Newsjack Series 3 Quickie Failures Page 7

Please feel free to laugh, smile, smirk or none of the above as Newsjack apparently does.

MAN:I've heard a lot of chess jokes about Bobby Fischer's body being exhumed in Iceland. Personally, I find them a bit tasteless, just like their frozen pawns.

LIBERAL WOMAN:I don't have a problem with porn being made in hospitals. Everyone needs to loosen up and stop being so stiff. No, wait... not everyone.

MILES JUPP:I'm glad the BBC is thinking of publishing its stars salaries. Finally you'll be able to see I'm worth it, dam it.

WOMAN:I think the Pope has a lot of explaining to do when he comes here. Mainly, what was he doing in Hitler's youth? As a member I mean, a member.

CORRECTION #1:Last week we reported on a hospital hiring out a ward for a big budget porn movie to be shot. We incorrectly stated that the hospital was hard up. It turns out they just needed a cash injection. A money shot, if you will.

Like the Jupp/ salary - seems to tick all the boxes - unlucky.

In the show this week I liked the gag about criticism of the climate change report being one sided - eveyone knows should be double sided. - did that come from someone on here?

Re headache/ nausea/ Simon Cowell - yeah, that was in the show but as a link. Such an obvious one though I expect they had about ten versions of it.

teenager

Apparently the police have caught the guy who threw a joke arm out of a car and caused the M62 to grind to a halt. (trying not to laugh) He hasn't got a leg to stand on. (laughs) Sorry.

butch lorry driver

'Yeah, I agree short prison sentences aren't a good idea. I was banged up for a fortnight... It was only a minor indiscretion in a public toilet. Heavy handed. I'd go for three strikes and you're out every time.'

uneducated man

'Wot about that scientist who reckons 'e can see the light from the birth of the universe on a photo 'e took six months ago? Doesn't 'e know the universe is hundreds of years old?... Planck.'

teenage girl

'So what if she's got 10 million fans on face book? Who cares? All we here is Lady GaGa. Lady GaGa? Lady who?... Who?'

teenage girl

'I fink it's a disgrace. My daughter's only two yeah. But I ain't gonna let 'er cycle to school on 'er own when she's five. No way. Don't these people realise that sometimes you're just too young? And anyway... by the time she's five, I'll be eighteen. So I'll probably take her in the car.'

Woman: Tony Blair is receiving a peace medal from the American government? Would that not be like Bill Clinton receiving an award for sexual abstention...from the England football team?

Quote: steve by any other name @ July 9 2010, 9:02 AM BST

teenage girl

'I fink it's a disgrace. My daughter's only two yeah. But I ain't gonna let 'er cycle to school on 'er own when she's five. No way. Don't these people realise that sometimes you're just too young? And anyway... by the time she's five, I'll be eighteen. So I'll probably take her in the car.'

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This one is a . I knew the story but maybe is wasn't widely known.

Wow! Reading the above, looks like a lot of good ones didn't make the grade this week - frightening!

My message in a bottle this week was:

Of course it's unfortunate when asylum seekers have to be returned, particularly when they face harassment or even imprisonment at home because of their sexuality - but I guess that's just Sod's Law.

Prescott just won't shut up, will he? I think it's a shame we made him a peer - I was hoping we could make him disappear.

I think it's great that Nick Clegg is asking us which laws we'd like to scrap, because we already know which laws they wanted to get rid of - David Laws!

If the government just let's Civil Servants go on strike, it still works out cheaper than making them redundant, doesn't it?

Secret or not secret, I think this whole inquiry is a ridiculous smear on the Secret Service. Of course we weren't complicit in torture .... AAAAARGH! OK, WE WERE! WE WERE!

Poor Cheryl Cole ... lucky, lucky mosquito!

Quote: steve by any other name @ July 9 2010, 9:02 AM BST

teenage girl

'I fink it's a disgrace. My daughter's only two yeah. But I ain't gonna let 'er cycle to school on 'er own when she's five. No way. Don't these people realise that sometimes you're just too young? And anyway... by the time she's five, I'll be eighteen. So I'll probably take her in the car.'

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Quote: RobJ @ July 9 2010, 12:31 AM BST

WOMAN:I think the Pope has a lot of explaining to do when he comes here. Mainly, what was he doing in Hitler's youth? As a member I mean, a member.

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Some quality material this week, I particularly liked these

Here's mine:

(Hyperactive Woman) That eBayer who was bidding in his own auctions should have been sent down for six months. Eight months. Ten months.

(Posh Woman) I see Katie Price has been driving around in an A-Team van. After marrying Alex Reid, she's probably on a mission to save face.

(Posh Woman) I've just received a text message from Ashley Cole. I'm not sending him a picture of my aunt.

(Posh Woman) I've just heard that Al Qaeda are going to launch an online magazine. Oh great, more stories about Jordan.

Like your first two. First one in particular is the sort of thing they normally quite like.

Dan

I agree with Dan Gerry, the first two were as good as any that were on.

Quote: RobJ @ July 9 2010, 12:31 AM BST

A money shot, if you will.

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reallly liked the Face joke too, Gerry.

Here are mine...looking back they seem a bit clunky. Oh well, there's always next week.

It seems that Paris Hilton's arrest was a case of mistaken identity. The 'sickly-sweet' aroma that sniffer dogs detected in her handbag was actually a mix of her new fragrance and Chihuahua poo.

As a Dr Who fan, I thought Christopher Eccleston's portrayal of John Lennon was outstanding. I was quite shocked at the nudity, though, I can only hope that like the TARDIS it's bigger on the inside. All I am saying is give penis a chance!

Have you heard that they've found the remains of a Female Gladiator? She'd run the Gauntlet but was knocked out on the Eliminator and buried under a huge cotton wool bud.

Quote: Ishy @ July 8 2010, 11:27 PM BST

My failures this week

Vox Pops

Angry sounding man - I'd like to introduce my wife to a proportional voting system. Then maybe I wouldn't have to sit through Midsomer Murders ever bloody night.

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Ishy, I really liked this one. For me there's something about it that's funnier if it's said with the right voice in my head than just reading it.

That's probably completley rubbish feedback for writing for a radio show. But still I liked it!

Some good near misses on here as usual. I liked Bomsh's Cheryl Cole one and Gerry's openers too. Here are my vox pops from this week.

It was no surprise to read that Katie Price's marriage has been blessed - it must have been to have lasted this long.

I thought they already had Men's Hour on Radio Five? It's on every day at one o'clock. And two. And three. And four...

I don't see how we can dive in and have a referendum on an alternative vote - we haven't even had a vote on an alternative referendum.

So you can't buy anything with an old twenty pound note any more - what's the big deal? You can hardly buy anything with a new one.

So what if it costs thousands for bodyguards? Anything that protects us from Tony Blair is alright with me.

Nick Clegg's confused me saying he wants to get rid of laws all of a sudden - I thought he resigned weeks ago!

I've nothing against them cutting back on anti-terror policing, but it's a bit late for Jean Charles de Menezes.

They're pretty much all good, Badge. Like the 'old twenty' one best though.

Dan

Cheers Dan.

Agreed.
Some very good stuff there Badge.