Skit Comp 7-14.7.9

Superb batch this week so special congratulats to NIL PUTTERS for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

2 - 10 - Nil Putters
1 - 5 - Alex Mahon, Otterfox, me, AngieBaby, Kasm
Speckled mention: Mr sunshine.

Your new subject: OPERATIONS (chosen by Kasm)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 14.7.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

139 - Mr Sunshine
123 - Cool Mikado
122 - Otterfox
112 - Chris Forshaw
103 - Frankie
103 - Kasm
99 - Nigel Kelly
98 - Fred Peters
95 - Michael Monkhouse
82 - Charley Rance
79 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
56 - AngieBaby
54 - Scratchyr
42 - Gerry McDonnell
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Alex Mahon
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
22 - Craig H
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Nil Putters
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
12 - Badge
12 - Will Cam
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O
07 - James
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Karlos the Great
05 - Drew
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stephen Birch
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

EXT. NORTHUMBRIA FARM - DAY

TWO SAS SOLDIERS ARE LYING BEHIND A HEDGE

SOLDIER 1:
This is a f**king joke. We should be in Iraq or Afghanistan, not f**king about with this shit.

SOLDIER 2:
I hear you man, but orders are ord...

SOLDIER 1 (INTERUPTING):
I've got a visual; get the OK.

SOLDIER 2 (INTO WALKIE TALKIE):
Sandstorm, this is Renegade, over.

RESPONSE FROM WALKIE TALKIE:
Come in Renegade, over.

SOLDIER 2:
We have a visual on the objective. Requesting permission to begin Operation Moat-Kill, over.

RESPONSE FROM WALKIE TALKIE:
Permission granted, good luck boys, over.

SOLDIER 2:
Roger that, over.

THERE'S A SLIGHT PAUSE AS THE TWO SOLDIERS SHARE A NERVOUS GLANCE.

SOLDIER 2:
Let's do it.

THE TWO SOLDIERS CLIMB OVER THE HEDGE AND BEGIN FILLING A LARGE HOLE WITH WATER.

OPERATOR FOR OPERATIONS

_______________________

GEORGE SITS BY THE PHONE (ITS ON LOUD SPEAKER) - JEAN (HIS WIFE) SITS ON THE COUCH READING A PAPER.

PHONE
WELCOME TO FREEDOM TV. WHERE TV IS SIMPLE, TV IS GREAT, TV IS FLAWLESS -

GEORGE
Aye. When it bloody well works.

PHONE
(CONT)FOR TV THAT GIVES YOU FREEDOM, IT CAN ONLY BE FREEDOM TV

GEORGE
Freedom my arse. I've got a blank screen and -

PHONE
Press 1 for sales. Press 2 for technical. Press 3 for enquiries. Press 3 for bills and payment

GEORGE PRESSES A BUTTON

PHONE
Thanks. What type of sales are you looking for?

GEORGE
I pressed 2 for technical!

PHONE
1 for telephone. 2 for TV. 3 for internet.

GEORGE
I pressed bloody 2 for technical!

PHONE
Did you say 2?

GEORGE
Yes

PHONE
Okay. In order for us to transwer you to the right person we'll need to know where your calling from. Please tell us which city you are calling from after the tone.

GEORGE
Glasgow

PHONE
Did you say...MIDDLESBOROUGH?

GEORGE
What!? No. I said GLASGOW!

PHONE
Main menu. For sales press 1 -

GEORGE
Jesus Christ Jean. It's like a bloody operation!

PHONE
Transferring you to...OPERATIONS

GEORGE
What!? No!

VOICE ON PHONE
Hello. Mr Jones?

GEORGE
Finally. Yes. I am Mr. Jones.

VOICE ON PHONE
Thank you Mr. Jones. How may I help you today?

GEORGE
Well, my TV has a blank screen with an error code 21657.

VOICE ON PHONE
Okay Mr. Jones. I'm afraid you have came through to the wrong department. You'll need to re-dial a different number.

GEORGE
Listen son. I've been pressing numbers for the passed 10 minutes and every single time it's been wrong. I type in 1 and it gives me 2. I type 2 it gives me 3. There's no way I'm going through all that again.

VOICE ON PHONE
Okay Mr Jones. Not to worry. It appears you have a common fault.

GEORGE
Oh well, that's a relief.

VOICE ON PHONE
(CONT) With your phone.

SCENE 2

DOCTOR
Okay guys, looks like another Freedom TV procedure.

CUT TO : GEORGE LYING UNCONSCIOUS WITH A TV ATTACHED TO HIS LEG AND A PHONE CORD ROUND HIS NECK

Surgeon Fecker

DOCTOR'S STUDIO.

PATIENT: Hello Doctor.

DOCTOR: Yes, what seems to be the problem?

PATIENT: Well I have an excruciating pain that stabs into my stomach then shoots up through my chest and explodes out of my sinuses.

DOCTOR: I don't care.

PATEIENT: I'm sorry?

DOCTOR: You're looking for the psychiatric orthopaedic neurosurgery department. This is the couldn't-give-a-tinker's-cuss-I-make-more-dosh-as-a.plastic-surgeon-so-kiss-my-ass department.

PATIENT: I don't get it.

DOCTOR: Then I shall explain in terms so simple even an NHS medic could understand...

(gets up, sings to the tune of 'Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts' Club Band')

It was twenty months ago today,
Surgeon Beckett had his bills to pay.
The recession going on a while,
It was guaranteed to raise his bile.
So may I introduce to you
The act I've grown to be this year:
Surgeon Fecker, Lonely Farts' Dab Hand.

I'm Surgeon Fecker, Lonely Tarts' Fab Man,
Ensure your breasts won't swing so low.
Surgeon Fecker, Lonely Bastards' Fan,
Sit back and let your penis grow.
If you're feelin' lonely, all you need's new gonads,
Surgeon Fecker accepts cash in hand.

It's wonderful to treat you,
You've run up a huge bill.
You've such a lovely bod right now
Someone will bear to look at you,
Might get you on a show.

PATIENT: I don't really want to stop your flow
But I thought that you might like to know
That the pain is gonna singe my dong
And I need you boy to bring a thong.

DOCTOR: Then let me introduce to you
The one and only Willy Shears...

PATIENT: But Surgeon Fecker, Lonely Farts' Dab Hand...

DOCTOR: (calls) Willy Shears!

MADMAN enters with shears, attacks Patient, leaves him lying there.

PATIENT: (warbles) What would you think if I sang out of tune...

INT. HOSPITAL SURGERY

A PATIENT LAYS ON A TABLE, A CRUDELY APPLIED, BLOODY BANDAGE WRAPPED AROUND HIS HEAD. A DOCTOR AND NURSE SLOWLY WORK AROUND HIM, CHECKING INSTRUMENTS AND PREPARING FOR SURGERY. BEHIND THEM THE PATIENT SUDDENLY LOSES CONSCIOUSNESS, HIS EYES ROLLING BACK AND HIS ARM FLOPPING OVER THE EDGE OF THE OPERATING TABLE. THE NURSE NOTICES AND SOUNDS THE ALARM.

NURSE
Doctor! The patient has lost consciousness!

THE DOCTOR SLOWLY WALKS OVER. HE BENDS, LOOKING CLOSELY AT THE PATIENT'S FACE.

DOCTOR (SHINING A LIGHT IN THE PATIENT'S EYE)
Mr Davies...? Can you hear me?

MR DAVIES LAYS THERE OPEN-MOUTHED, OBVIOUSLY OBLIVIOUS TO ANYTHING.

DOCTOR (SHAKING THE PATIENT'S ARM GENTLY)
Mr Davies...?

STILL GETTING NO REACTION FROM THE PATIENT, THE DOCTOR TAKES MR DAVIES'S JOWLS IN ONE HAND AND WOBBLES THEM VIGOROUSLY. THEY SLAP ABOUT LOUDLY. THE DOCTOR STOPS AND, LOOKING AROUND FOR INSPIRATION BUT FINDING NONE, TAKES TO SHOUTING.

DOCTOR (INTO THE PATIENTS EAR)
Mr Davies?!

HE PRODS A FINGER, SOFTLY, INTO THE PATIENT'S EYE THEN LOOKS AT THE TIP ABSENTMINDEDLY.

DOCTOR (STILL LOOKING AT HIS FINGERTIP)
You'd best fetch Dr Richards, Nurse.

THE NURSE RUSHES OUT OF THE THEATRE. THE DOCTOR STANDS THERE ALONE, REDUNDANT. HE LOOKS AROUND CASUALLY, THEN TOUCHES THE TIP OF HIS TONGUE TO HIS FINGER INQUISITIVELY.

DOCTOR
Hmm tart...

END.

INT
Nurse and doctor having a brew in the staff canteen.

Nurse
So Dr Tite you have another two breast reduction operations this afternoon.

Doctor
Its a chance to cop a feel of a little titty.

Nurse
You mean hold them profesionaly while you perform the operations.

Doctor
Nah its a perk to the job. A tweak of a nipple here & a flick of the areola there.

Nurse
I would have thought you were sick of breasts by now. Surely a man of your good looks can get a grope of a little boob from conscious women.

Doctor
They are a curse to be fair.

Nurse
Breasts?

Doctor
No

Nurse
Conscious women?

Doctor
No my extreme good looks.

Nurse
I want to be a cock reducer. I would have so much fun.

Doctor
You would get teribly bored after a while. There would be only so many cock reductions you could bare.

Nurse
I doubt that very much indeed.

Doctor
Why not apply to the British Medical Council.

Nurse
Nah no need to bother them. I shall perform the operation right now.

Nurse puts on her gloves, grabs a stapel & stabs the doctor in the heart.

Nurse
(Rubs her hands together) One cock reduced, a million to go.

END

CAVITY SAM FROM THE 'OPERATION' GAME COMPLETE WITH LIGHTBULB NOSE HAS GONE TO SEE THE CHIEF OF SURGERY.

CHIEF:
Ah Mr Sam, I believe you have a complaint to make.

SAM:
Not just one mate, I've got loads! Your surgeons have been butchering me.

CHIEF:
Nonsense, they're just doing their job. It's was a very delicate operation removing your Charley Horse.

SAM:
I don't even know what a Charley Horse is.

CHIEF:
Its a cramp in the leg or foot apparently, but you're ok now.

SAM:
To be honest Chief, I'm not sure all these operations are necessary.

CHIEF:
I think you'll find it's our job to ascertain what is or isn't necessary Mr Sam.
Who knows where you'd be now if we hadn't had the foresight to remove your Spare ribs & your Wishbone

SAM:
Don't think I'm not grateful. But it's the way they do the operations though, it's like a Game to them.

CHIEF:
I'm not sure what you mean.

SAM:
They've got all these fancy tools to choose from & they always end up using massive tweezers.

CHIEF:
Well to be quite honest Mr Sam, you do have a very unique physiology.

SAM:
Is it the Lightbulb like nose?

CHIEF:
Lightbulb like nose? I can't say I'd ever noticed that, It's more the strange shaped Metal ridged gaps that you have all over your body.

SAM:
Well wasn't that why I was admitted here in the first place? Y'know, to have my hideous metal plates removed.

CHIEF:
Yes I know, but ironically they have provided a vital role in identifying all your very strange aliments.

SAM:
Oh I see.

CHIEF:
And it really is quite fun.

SAM:
Quite fun? Quite fun? I'm having to undergo wave after wave of bizarre surgery & you call it quite fun.
HE DOUBLES OVER IN PAIN

CHIEF: PULLS OUT A HUGE PAIR OF TWEEZERS.
I think you've got a ruptured Bread Basket. leave this to me

WE SEE SAM SCREAMING AS HIS NOSE FLASHES.

END

INT. HOSPITAL THEATRE.

A MAN IS LYING ON A STRETCHER UNCONSCIOUS.

SURGEON 1:
What's wrong with him?

SURGEON 2:
It appears he got intoxicated, climbed up a tree, dislodged a wasp's nest then fell into some nettles.

SURGEON 1:
I see, it's a sting operation then.

ANOTHER SURGEON APPEARS, HE LOWERS HIS SURGICAL MASK TO REVEAL HE IS IN FACT POPSTAR STING.

SURGEON STING:
Looks like it.... Nurse scalpel.

SURGEON 1:
I'm afraid Nurse Scalpel isn't working today Surgeon Sting.

SURGEON STING:
Who's on then?

SURGEON 2:
It's Nurse Inga Hangover.

NURSE INGA HANGOVER WALKS GINGERLY INTO THEATRE.

SURGEON STING:
I hope you haven't been drinking again.

NURSE INGA HANGOVER:
I'm just feeling a bit giddy after our marathon sex session, Surgeon Sting.

SURGEON STING:
You're Giddy? I had you perched on my penis for the entire 26 mile run.

INT.FRONT ROOM.DAY

A YOUNG WOMAN AND HER DAD ARE SITTING QUIETLY ENJOYING A CUP OF TEA AND A BISCUIT. WE HEAR THE FRONT DOOR OPEN AND SLAM. AN OLD WOMAN WEARING A BANDANA ON HER HEAD AND CARRYING A DJ RECORD BAG WALKS IN

OLD WOMAN
Yo, yo what's up!

THE OLD WOMAN PUTS HER HAND OUT AND TOUCHES FISTS WITH HER HUSBAND AND HER DAUGHTER

YOUNG WOMAN
Hello Mum, been shopping?

OLD WOMAN
Fa-sho, scored some phat off the hook shit, mad rhymes for mad times, you feel me?

YOUNG WOMAN
I think so?

OLD MAN
Would you like a cup of tea Doris?

OLD WOMAN
Chill baby G, a sucka wants to battle me old school so I gotta check out this ill shit before the crew pick my funky bad ass up. Peace out!

THE OLD WOMAN TAPS HER CHEST WITH HER FIST, GIVES THE PEACE SIGN THEN LEAVES THE ROOM. AFTER A FEW MOMENTS WE HEAR A RECORD BEING SCRATCHED THEN START PLAYING LOUDLY

DAD
Your Mum just hasn't been the same since she had her hip hoperation

YOUNG WOMAN (nodding)
Fo-real!

THE FATHER GIVES HIS DAUGHTER A PUZZLED LOOK

INT A patient is laying on the operating table with a nurse and surgeon stood over him.

SURGEON
Ok Mr Daniels we are just going to put you under now, Nurse, anaesthetic please

NURSE
We don't have any anaesthetic doctor, government cut backs

SURGEON
Well what do we use then?

SHE HANDS THE PATIENT A FLANNEL AND SOME EARPHONES

NURSE
Just bite on that and listen to this

PATIENT
An MP3 player?

NURSE
No it's a cassette player

SURGEON
Scalpel

NURSE
Oh sorry no scalpels, we're sharing the knives with the canteen now

WALKS OVER TO SINK, PICKS OUT A KNIFE AND BRINGS IT BACK

NURSE
There you go

SURGEON
Seriously

NURSE
Oh sorry

SHE LICKS IT CLEAN AND HANDS IT OVER

SURGEON
Ok, retractors

NURSE
Yes we have got those!

SHE RUNS OVER TO A BUCKET

NURSE
Oh no we're all out

SHE PICKS OUT A CAR JACK

NURSE
We've been using this

SURGEON
Ok, nurse forgive me but I'm a little nervous about this, could you just mop my brow before we start

SHE TAKES THE FLANNEL FROM THE PATIENTS MOUTH AND MOPS HIS BROW

PATIENT
Doc level with me, these cut backs have taken us into the dark ages, what are my chances?

SURGEON
I have absolutely no idea, it's the first time I've carried out this procedure

PATIENT
You mean they're letting trainee surgeons carry out major operations with medieval tools

SURGEON
Absolutely not, I have been at this hospital for 45 years

PATIENT BREATHES A SIGH OF RELIEF AND NURSE PLACES THE FLANNEL BACK IN HIS MOUTH AS THE DOCTOR BEGINS HIS INCISION

SURGEON
I'm a handyman

INT. HOSPITAL RECEPTION AREA. THE NURSE WAVES THE DOCTOR TOWARDS HER

NURSEoctor Hutchens, Mr Stevens is a concerned about his operation this afternoon, would you mind setting his mind at ease?

DOCTOR HUTCHENS LOOKS AT HIS NOTES AND NODS

NURSEtraight through, bed number three

DR HUTCHENS APPROACHES MAN LYING IN BED

DR. HUTCHENS:Mr Stevens, some last minute jitters I hear?

MR STEVENS:Just a little

DR HUTCHENS:There's no need. This is a very common procedure nowadays. Basically, the right cartridge requires removal, a quick clean, and back it goes. Easy.

MR STEVENSeems painless enough

DR HUTCHENS:Exactly. I presume everything you are all set to go?

MR STEVENS STANDS UP REVEALLING A DOCTORS COAT

MR STEVENS:Well, I best get on with it then

END

STEVE IS PRESENTING A SURVIVAL SHOW.

STEVE:
Hey there, for years I was a member of the SAS and was part of their special ops team. These operations sent me all around the world into dangerous and inhospitable places, now I'm going to use my skill and experience to attempt to survive a night in the jungles of Peru.

Now its very important when building a shelter that you elevate it above the level of the forest floor because the forest can get very very dirty. To do this you find two trees that are about seven feet apart, you take your hammock out of your backpack and tie it onto the trees, with your hands.

The next thing we need to do is find something to cover you because the forest can get quite cold and yuchy at night. You could use leaves but there could be absolutely anything on them so I'm going to do the next best thing.

You just hold your mouth open and wait for a flea to fly in. You catch it in your teeth and tear its wings off, beautiful... Another 904,000 of those babies and I've got me a duvet.

Firstly we need to catch us some dinner so we're going to set a few traps. The first trap involves holding a stone over some ground and wait for something to pass. If nothing passes after 10 minutes or so we just keep waiting. We hold the stone for another 50 minutes, then we wait for something to pass, then all we have to do is wait.

WE SEE A FEW SHOTS OF STEVE IN VARIOUS STATES OF BOREDOM.

Another good technique is to just fling some stones into the jungle.

HE THROWS SOME STONES.

Lets see what I got. Excellent, I'm after uprooting this mushroom and I also took out that wasp. Mmm, wasped mushrooms, my favourite.

A third technique for catching food is to grab your cricket bat from your bag and just run through the jungle kicking and swinging wildly. Eventually you will discover something.

HE RUNS KICKING UNDERGROWTH AND SWINGING HIS BAT. EVENTUALLY HE KICKS A BIRD WHICH RUNS BACK AT HIM.

Ah look what I've got. The Wrestling Bird or Aves Hulkhoganus. He won't go down without a fight. He has me in a headlock so I'm going to have to loosen his grip somehow.

STEVE MANAGES TO SQUIRM AWAY BUT THE BIRD CLOTHESLINES HIM CAUSING STEVE TO FALL TO THE GROUND.

Now he's going for his signature move. A leg-drop off the tree. I'm going to have to get out of the way of this one and counter quickly.

THE BIRD JUMPS FROM THE TREE BUT AT THE LAST SECOND STEVE ROLLS OUT OF THE WAY. THE BIRD IS NOW LYING ON THE GROUND STOMACH DOWN. STEVE CROSSES THE BIRDS LEGS AND GETS HIM IN THE SHARPSHOOTER(SUBMISSION MOVE).

You have to hold this as tight and as for as long as possible. If you let him go he will fly back at you like a bastard or if its too loose he could just reverse the move.

THE BIRD STARTS SQUAKING IN PAIN.

Tap out! Juuust tap out!!!

THE BIRD EVENTUALLY TAPS ITS WING OFF THE GROUND IN SUBMISSION.

......And finally we need fire. So again we get a couple of stones and rub them together. We get little bits of very dry timber and put them directly underneath, maybe a few dry leaves as well. Now you just get your matches from you backpack and light the lot.

Now we need quite a big fire to scare predators so we will throw another log or two on it.

THE TREE NEARBY STARTS TO GO ON FIRE AND THE FIRE SPREADS RAPIDLY TO THE OTHER TREES.

Lovely...This is very important to keep dangerous animals at bay.....

CUT TO MORNING WITH STEVE STANDING WITH HANDS ON HIPS.THE FOREST IS NOW JUST A HEAP OF SMOULDERING ASH.

...And it makes it pure simple to find my way out.....Easy.

END.

INT. OPERATING THEATRE. AN OLD MALE PATIENT IS ON THE TABLE HAVING SOME SORT OF FIT. HIS HEAD IS JERKING ABOUT UNCONTROLLABLY. THE SURGEON AND HIS TEAM ARE OBVIOUSLY MID-OP BUT ARE STANDING BACK.

OLD PATIENT:
...ee, by gum I remember when Fred Trueman were on't show side by side wi' Geoffrey Boycott, it were a reet neet... oh, ah an' Fred Dibner an' all!

THE OLD PATIENT SHUDDERS, OPENS HIS EYES AND STARES AROUND.

OLD PATIENT:
Oh, I'm not feeling quite... ayup, wheers that ferret gone nah, up mi bloody trowzer leg I shunt wonder... raight enuff! Roy Hattersley, welcome.. Sir Ian Botham, come on and sit dahn lad, well done... tha's had a brilliant career... ohhhhhhhhh!

THE SURGEON SPEAKS SOFTLY TO A NURSE.

SURGEON:
Sad case, he's got Parkinsons of course...

INT. SURGEON'S CONSULTING ROOM. DAY

MIDDLE-AGED SURGEON SHOWS KATIE PRICE TO A CHAIR BEFORE SITTING DOWN AT HIS DESK

SURGEON
Morning, Jordan... I mean - Miss Price. I do beg your pardon.

KATIE PRICE
S'alright, I may go back to Jordan. I don't rule out nuffink, me. Now then - I want me tits changed again.

SURGEON
Again? You know, I worry that this surgical obsession is merely self-harming by proxy.

KATIE PRICE
S'nuffink poxy about it! Look I got the money - wassup with yoo?

SURGEON
This isn't about money, Katie. I fear you're being swayed by the opinion of others plus your own capriciousness.

KATIE PRICE
Don't compare me to that fackin' Capricious! She's a washed up loser wot touts Wunderbras only 'cos she can't afford the real things. (SHE NODS AT HER OWN CHEST)

SURGEON
Katie, I wish I could make you feel empowered; feel that your persona is truly in your own hands.

KATIE PRICE
Me own hands? Well, I bleedin' asked you to seal 'em with Velcro or zips so's I could do it all meself - but you said no! Come on Doc, I need 'em done - pleeeease!

SURGEON
(SIGHS) Oh, very well, I'll operate one last time. So which is it to be: smaller or bigger?

SHE PASSES HIM A PICTURE

KATIE PRICE
I wanna look like her.

SURGEON
Her? Miss Price, this is a blow-up sex doll with... air valves as nipples!

KATIE PRICE
Exackly! So's whoever I go out with can just blow 'em up or let them down to the size they wants.

SURGEON
This is ridiculous! Can you imagine the headlines? 'Air Jordan'. Or worse, 'Air-head Jordan'. Or even - 'Katie's daily blow job'!

KATIE GETS A DREAMY, FAR-AWAY LOOK IN HER EYES

KATIE PRICE
Jeez, yer right - the coverage will be endless...

SURGEON
Well, I won't do it, young lady. I'm a serious cosmetic surgeon and I won't pander to the sexual proclivities of you or your latest boyfriend. That's final.

KATIE PRICE
Wot? No money would tempt you?

SURGEON
No amount of money!

Katie Price
Not even fifty grand?

THE SURGEON NARROWS HIS EYES A LITTLE

SURGEON
One hundred.

KATIE EMPTIES SEVERAL STACKS OF BANKNOTES ONTO HIS DESK FROM HER HANDBAG. THE SURGEON PICKS UP A WAD AND FANS THROUGH IT

SURGEON
How does tomorrow at 9am sound to you for your pre-op, my dear Katie?

KATIE PRICE
That's more like it. (SHE GETS UP AND WALKS TOWARDS THE DOOR BUT STOPS HALFWAY) 'Ere, I've just thought of a headline meself, Doc: Surgeon Over-Inflates Price.

A cracking crop: Stevie S and Charley's efforts would be good enough to win in most weeks imo, but Nigel Kelly's was different class. A worthy victor.