Newsjack Series 3 Quickie Failures Page 5

I like that sixty-bloody-six very much

MILES:
(ONE-LINER) With the hot weather, people are finding it difficult to keep cool. I myself, have no problems as I stay uber-cool simply by snorting cocaine and sleeping with a lot of supermodels...

VOX-POP:
I see that the .xxx domain name has finally been approved for porn web sites. Hopefully that frees up.yyy for our coalition government.

GERMAN:
I'm not racist but all these Gerrards and Lampards appear the same to me.

BUILDER:
So the NHS have banned sugar in tea on health grounds, have they? Well, let's see how healthy their brand new IVF wing is if I don't get my six per cup! (F/X: HAMMERING/DRILLING)

VOX-POP:
Oprah Winfrey the most powerful celebrity in the world? I always thought it was Superman.

VOX-POP:
The Times charging for on-line news is a disgrace! I tell you something for free: paying for news will never catch on! I'm making a stand against it by going out right now to buy a paper copy!

VOX-POP:
Two people were turned away from Glastonbury trying to smuggle in drugs worth £100,000. Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse were told they weren't on the bill.

CORRECTION:
Newjack would like to apologise for an error made last week. The EU are set to make egg sales illegal by the dozen, not by the dozy.

Dan

Quote: swerytd @ July 1 2010, 6:53 PM BST

VOX-POP:
I see that the .xxx domain name has finally been approved for porn web sites. Hopefully that frees up.yyy for our coalition government.

View original

God only knows why that didn't get on. Nice quipping.

VOX-POP:
I see that the .xxx domain name has finally been approved for porn web sites. Hopefully that frees up.yyy for our coalition government.

Agree.

I wouldn't have been surprised to see that one get on.
But as it's a Miles line it may not have fitted in with his monologues & links that were already written.

Quote: swerytd @ July 1 2010, 6:53 PM BST

VOX-POP:
I see that the .xxx domain name has finally been approved for porn web sites. Hopefully that frees up.yyy for our coalition government.

View original

A few 'jokes' from me:

I like David Cameron's plan to relocate people without proper jobs. I wonder where he'll send Nick Clegg?

I'm looking forward to this new Derren Brown special: 'How I made Wayne Rooney disappear.'

FIFA should get Jack Whitehall to referee. He'll keep his eye on the line.

Goalline technology won't work in Ireland. We'll never put a chip in a ball.

I thought it was quite ironic that the England team came back on a Virgin plane.

The news that a convicted murderer has been awarded £45,000 in damages for a toothache is unreliable; it's come from a prison molar.

I wouldn't have paid 100 grand for Michael Jackson's glove. You don't know where it's been.

Kerry Katona's ex is threatening to release a sex tape. We should all club together to pay him off.

Prince Harry has fallen off a horse, he takes after his Dad.

Correction:

On last week's show, when we asked the England football team to adopt a German mentality, we didn't mean 'throw the towel in'.

I Like the throw the towel in.
But it doesn't quite work as a correction IMO

I really liked Dan's yyy one too.

My rejects this week:

WOMAN: (Posh, southern accent) Would I like Capello to stay? No thanks, love, I'd prefer a cappuccino to go.

MAN: (Posh, southern accent) Why's Prince Charles bought a house in Transylvania? Well, I suppose he wants somewhere he can have a real stake in.

MAN: (Posh, southern accent) To let one in was bad enough, but four! Still, I suppose they were always going to concede some Liberal policies in the Budget.

WOMAN: (Welsh) I don't think it's really practical to put a cap on fat cats, love, no. But they could spay them.

MAN: (Liverpool accent) I reckon they should introduce that goal-line technology to politics. On Question Time last night Balls really crossed the line.

Good stuff again John
I liked the first one & the Budget one bestest

Cheers all for the .yyy praise

Gerry -- like the Nick Clegg one. The others are a bit weaker but don't really feel like opinions, more one-liners. Maybe a bit of editing them -- the person that says them could add to the joke, so think about that angle a bit more in future.

John -- All excellent to your usual high standard. A couple are real groaners but with that consistency shouldn't be long before you're on this series too! Love the 'Balls' one, but maybe they'd had enough with the World Cup this week

Dan

Dan, really liked your uber cool one.

Other good ones on here too. Here are my crappy efforts. I was really struggling this week.

toff

I can't believe people still go on about Maradona's hand of god. It's her pointy metal bra that sticks in my mind.

old man

I hear they're using football as a way of stimulating memories in dementia suffers. How out of touch is that? Having seen Sunday's performance all I want to do is forget about it.

I see scientists at the large Halon Collider are excited at moving a step closer to unlocking the mysteries of the universe. Once they've cracked anti-matter and the big bang, they'll be looking into why there's no video ref at the world cup finals.

posh woman

It's ridiculous... spending £126,000 on one of Michael Jackson's gloves. What's the point in bidding if you can't afford the pair?

posh woman

I see they've been testing an electric car. I'd definitely be interested as long as they sort the infrastructure out but it'll be years before they've dug a slot down the middle of all the roads.

Can I come in late and say the .yyy gag is f**king ace? 'Cos it is.

Quote: John Kelly @ July 1 2010, 9:58 PM BST

MAN: (Posh, southern accent) To let one in was bad enough, but four! Still, I suppose they were always going to concede some Liberal policies in the Budget.

WOMAN: (Welsh) I don't think it's really practical to put a cap on fat cats, love, no. But they could spay them.

MAN: (Liverpool accent) I reckon they should introduce that goal-line technology to politics. On Question Time last night Balls really crossed the line.

View original

Love these too, especially fat cats.

Quote: swerytd @ July 2 2010, 8:24 AM BST

Cheers all for the .yyy praise

Gerry -- like the Nick Clegg one. The others are a bit weaker but don't really feel like opinions, more one-liners. Maybe a bit of editing them -- the person that says them could add to the joke, so think about that angle a bit more in future.

John -- All excellent to your usual high standard. A couple are real groaners but with that consistency shouldn't be long before you're on this series too! Love the 'Balls' one, but maybe they'd had enough with the World Cup this week

Dan

View original

Cheers Dan. I'll take that on board.

I often think reading people's failed attempts on here, that they're a bit too clever. The aim with Newsjack's vox pops usually seems to be to make the imaginary public seem as ignorant and stupid as possible. Dunno, open to disagreement.

Quote: M Paterson @ July 2 2010, 8:43 PM BST

Can I come in late and say the .yyy gag is f**king ace? 'Cos it is.

View original

Cheers M -- appreciate it.

Dan

I'm also a .yyy fan but I think that should come at the end e.g. leaving the coalition with .yyy (or maybe even re-casting as an EastEnders gag to use the 'dot').