Newsjack Series 3 Quickie Failures

Use this thread to share your rejected vox pops and corrections for series 3. I'll dig out mine in a sec.

For sketches just start your own thread for each sketch.

My failures:

I'm not going to buy this new I-phone. I'll wait for the smaller German version - the I-littler.

I think it's wrong that convicts are converting to Islam for an easier life. If they're not careful the prison population will explode.

I'm glad that Adrian Chiles is the new face of ITV sport. I welcome anything that gets the kids out of the house.

I don't know why Obama's moaning about BP. He normally has to invade a country to get free oil.

After missing England's goal against the USA, ITV have apologised to their hi-def customers. I guess you'd have to be high or deaf to watch Adrian Chiles.

I'm sick of it already. A bunch of grown men chasing after a round inanimate object. Why can't they leave Kerry Katona alone?

I hear Charlie Brooker is going to marry Konnie Huq. I bet he celebrated his engagement with a sheet-wipe.

I tell you what was out of order, that lad who's always on the telly disrespecting that bald geezer. Shame on you Jack Tweed.

loved most of these Gerry particularly the Hitler one - very clever.

Quote: Will Cam @ June 17 2010, 6:06 PM BST

loved most of these Gerry particularly the Hitler one - very clever.

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Cheers Will, that was my fav too Oh well, onwards and downwards.

My failures for the week...

MAN - I've never used a dishonest porn site in my life. They've all been completely bona fide.

WOMEN - I see they're fitting Police with new video head cams, what channel is that going to be on?

MAN - No I wouldn't say I suffer from sexomnia, I just take my chances.

MAN - I've had enough of them blaming it on the ball; Hitler was a bad man regardless... Oh you mean the Jabulani!

MAN - What's up with these super slow motion world cup replays they look like Marks and Spencer's have started advertising injury claims.

Unlucky CKY88. It's probably too early to spot a pattern developing, but I'll probably play it safe and steer clear of Hitler gags next week

Very good gags Gerry but Hitler, f**king Huq and suicide bombs are a tough sell. But those were plenty sweet.

Here's my quickies. I was busy at work, that's my excuse.

The American would be assassin found wandering Pakistan armed with a pistol and a sword has been handed over to the CIA.
Who have promised to give him food, medical treatment and the address of the head of BP

23 cough sufferers in Belgium have been attacked.
After being mistaken for Flemish separatists.

The Israeli international paintballing team have returned in disgrace they found their paintball guns not effective enough.
And ended up killing 9 members of the Turkish team.

Chris Ecclestone has admitted he left Dr Who after mistakenly thinking an episode was prowar on terror.
The episode was to be entitled The Axons of Evil.

A debate in the EU about the dangers of civil war between the Walloons and the Flemish has taken over 6 hours.
The first 5 being for the participants to stop laughing.

A new Flemish version of TinTin has been released.
He has now been renamed (sound of throat clearing) Tcchhhinnn Tccchhhhinnn

Senior civil servants are to be allowed to keep their generous 8 pound a day fruit allowances.
In related news Whitehall is to be moved to Monkey world in Dorset.

News that dirty Straw can lead to BSE.
Has lead to the former home secretaries' expenses being incinerated.

My Ep1 disasters

1.
WOMAN:These coalition tax rises are going to cost me an arm and a Clegg

2.
PROUD PARENT:My four year old son just graduated from nursery to primary school. He got a BA in CBBC.

3.
TEENAGER:Yeah right. If Sarah Ferguson thinks she was in a bad place she should try living round my way, it's a dump.

4.
BLOKE:If we're lucky, these are the English version of the vuvuzelas were going to be selling for 2018. Listen.

FUMBLES AND PRESSES BUTTON

GRAMSD) Chas n' Dave: "Rabbit, rabbit, ra ra, rabbit, rabbit..."

GRAMS OUT.

5.
MAN:It would seem that Sarah Ferguson "does you does' use Access wouldn't it?

Jayaitch number 5 is sweet.

Some good gags from Gerry, CKY88 and Jay; unlucky, chaps.

My sole submission this week basically took Clegg's "megaphone diplomacy" comment and turned it into "vuvuzela diplomacy".

It wasn't very good. I expect I wasn't the only person to make that connection.

I had a far better sketch based on the same premise, but it required an England victory on Saturday, and... f**kers.

Quote: CKY88 @ June 17 2010, 6:25 PM BST

MAN - I've never used a dishonest porn site in my life. They've all been completely bona fide.

View original

One thumb up!

For what it's worth, here are some of mine. Will comfort self with knowledge that this week also sees pilot script for what will certainly be the next big thing, sitting in InBox of comedy commisioner for major broadcaster.

ditzy young woman

'It's the first time I've voted. I'm 23 and I always thought my vote would really count for something you know? The last ten years or whatever has really shaped my ambitions, my aspirations. And now... well... it's all gonna change isn't it... And Davina was bloody brilliant. What's gonna happen to her?'

scotsman

'I think it's a bit over the top... the Red Cross piling into this Gaza business, you know? It was only a minor car crash and he's gonna be fine.'

old lady

'Robert Green? No. I don't think it was a silly mistake at all. I really like Unchained Melody actually.'

old man

The Saville Enquiry was £195 million? Well... good luck to him I say. That's a hell of a lot of London Marathons.

middle aged scottish biker

'Must admit I've got some sympathy for Obama's position. Last week I was draining the sump on the Harley. Got distracted by Mrs C next door hanging out the washing. Next thing I know... oil all over the kitchen floor. It's hell to shift. Still not totally clean now. After a week.'

I nearly forgot and dashed off a few Vox Pops lines (a couple of which are so obvious that hundreds of people probably sent in similar variations)...

It's time that the England squad got behind Robert Green, in case he spills any more shots.

Disappointed that Graeme Garden didn't get a knighthood in the Queen's birthday honours list, wanted his wife to become "Lady Garden".

The commentators were saying that the England team isn't "offensive enough"? With John Terry, Ashley Cole and Steven Gerrard I find them pretty offensive.

I'm not sure whether I agree with 'Assisted Suicide' but if Piers Morgan wants to give it a go I'm willing to assist.

I just tried to get onto the British Tennis Association's website but they're having trouble with their server.

I think that Capello should've included Parker in the squad, in case a match goes to pens.

I'm struggling to complete our World Cup Panini album, has anyone got any stickers of Italian toasted sandwiches?

I'm getting annoyed with the constant droning at the World Cup matches, why do the BBC insist on employing Mark Lawrenson?

I don't know much about football but we're supporting Vuvuzela in the World Cup!

Quote: Tony Cowards @ June 18 2010, 9:23 AM BST

I'm getting annoyed with the constant droning at the World Cup matches, why do the BBC insist on employing Mark Lawrenson?

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Good one.

Quote: Timbo @ June 18 2010, 9:38 AM BST

Good one.

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Cheers Timbo but it's a variation on a theme that I've seen done loads of times during the World Cup so not surprised it didn't get on.

Quote: steve by any other name @ June 18 2010, 8:42 AM BST

scotsman

'I think it's a bit over the top... the Red Cross piling into this Gaza business, you know? It was only a minor car crash and he's gonna be fine.'

View original

Proper made me laugh.