Stand-up

AUDREY
I'm waiting for my friend Audrey, she's always late. Wait till you see her new chin and neck-lift. Four grand that cost......four grand! Well, I were gob smacked when she told me. I said yer must be mad, and are you happy with yer nose?
She said, 'what do you mean?' Well, I told her straight. You can't be two faced, can yer?
I said your nose would have been a better investment. Mind you, I said, once you've had your bags done and crows feet sorted, it might not look as long and pointed.
Between you and me, she sneezed at her wedding and cut the cake in half with it. She daren't use a cup.
She's having breast implants next 44g, she wants to look like Marilyn Monroe, I said, but Marilyn had charisma and she just said she couldn't afford that as well.
Her husband said the money'd have been better spent on renovating the front of the house. It'd look better, last longer, and wouldn't sag.
I wonder where she's got to. I bet she's having her bikini line waxed. She's going on a cruise for her hols. Imagine that, all 13 stone of her in a bikini. I mean, she retires next year, why does she bother at her age? I said why do constantly stuff your face with food and she said, because I'm addicted to it, just like you're addicted to nicotine. Not a lot I could say to that.
I hope she's in a better mood today. She broke two finger nails on Monday while she were typing. It cost her 30 quid to have them repaired.
She were furious. She had 'em done at a beauty salon where she has her hair extensions and botox injections done.
Eh, I forgot to tell you. It cost her ten grand to have her mouth fixed. Honest.....ten grand. She had them titanium rods drilled into her jaws with teeth screwed on top. It doesn't shut her up though and she looks like a contender for the Grand National.
She's going in for a glamorous granny contest next week, I said well, don't forget to wear....your swine flu mask.
She's having that laser treatment done on her eyes next. I think that were my fault though, I told her that she didn't suit contact lens'. Blind as a bat, she is. Well, I suspect she must be if she thinks she looks any better after spending all that money.
Oh, she's here now....... Hello Audrey love. Yer looking good.

Words 427

Oh, she's here now....... Hello Audrey love. Yer looking good.

Good stuff bush. Funny throughout. I think the faster you got through it the funnier it would be - you could really keep the crowd in a constant laughter at a good pace.

It's certainly not unfunny Bushbaby, however my main problem with it is it seems rather dated, it's not my thing but others may disagree.

Quote: Paul W @ May 24 2010, 6:19 PM BST

It's certainly not unfunny Bushbaby, however my main problem with it is it seems rather dated, it's not my thing but others may disagree.

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Yes I wonder about that Paul but I performed it in front of oldies and they loved it. We're not all youngsters. I don't understand the humour of today but I guess each to their own
In addition I dressed up like Marilyn Monroe, wig an' all. I missed the line out in the post, it is
'But I ask you, who on earth would want to look like Marilyn?' And then go into the famous pose where the 'wind' blows her skirt

Isn't this pretty much Victoria Woods set when she does her character who's waiting for Kimberley?

This is a Victoria Wood sketch with the names changes.

If true, this is highly illegal. It's plagiarism and a breach of copyright.

The piece needs to be amended (giving full acknowledgment to the original author), or removed completely.

I'd also move that either Bushbaby or Cotter be hanged, depending on who is at fault.

Critique isn't the place for jokes, David.

better spent on the front of the house, more people'd wanna enter it

it IS like a vic wood monologue (the sketch with vic wood and julie walters working in a spa comes to mind), it's her voice that I read it in after the first paragraph. but without the vic wood unerring knack of choosing ridic colloquialisms.
I reckon you don't exploit the fact that we never see her; maris, in frasier, was a monstrous conglomerate of other people's descriptions of her.
also, I don't end up with a very clear idea of the woman being spoken about, and that, surely, is something you should make crystal clear.
and, and, I don't reckon the put-downs are brutal enough. anywhere near brutal enough.
but, but, but you have managed to write well enough to force me to read the monologue in a particular voice, and that is a desirable achievment.

I thought it funny and like Bushbaby said, it's aimed at oldies.

Re: the comparisons to Victoria Woods. How many of today's comedians are original? Many, many jokes are the same except the name changes.

well, I truly have never seen nor heard of the Victoria Woods one. I wrote this about ten years ago but as a northerner myself, the voice possibly sounds like hers. There is no way I would plagiaries, what is the point of that. It is all my own work I put up on here.
Mcmanson..you can't get a picture of Audrey with her hair extensions, big bust long nails/fat in a bikini?? False teeth looking like a horse? LOL in fact everything false about her