Particularly like the old chestnut where two men meet up after a period of time and one of the men says 'whatever happened to that woman you used to hang around with?' and proceeds to insult them before finding out they're married to the other man. Seen it in loads of comedies but never fails to make me smile.
This one made me smile !
A man and his wife were awoken at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.
The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.
"Can't you Remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk...
I was watching Rude Britannia on BBC4 last night. It featured a comedian called Frank Randle who was famous in the 1950s. One of his gags was:
I supped some stuff last night! I sent some of this to be analysed and got a Telegram back saying "your horse has diabetes".
That's about 50 years old that joke and it's a beauty. 
Working For the Council
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office.
The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"
He replies, "Yes, caffeine."
"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"
"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."
The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward
employment."
Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"
The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost
both of my testicles".
The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm... ...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting
at 10.00am every day."
The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to
4.00pm, why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any
special treatment y'know"
"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the
interviewer says,
"For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and
scratching our bollocks. There's no point in you coming in for that."
===================================
Swiss joke
15 crash survivors manage to make it to a small deserted island. The
survivors are:
* 3 Italians (two men and a woman)
* 3 French (two men and a woman)
* 3 Germans (two men and a woman)
* 3 Greeks (two men and a woman)
* 3 Brits (two men and a woman)
Six months later....
* One Italian man had killed the other, and was living with the
woman.
* The French had a delightful menage a trois.
* The Germans had a system of strict rotation. Hans on odd days,
Franz on even.
* The Greek men were living together and had the woman doing the
housework.
* And the Brits were still waiting to be introduced to each other.
=============================
SATAN
One Sunday morning everyone in a small town went to the local church.
Before the services began they sat in their pews talking to each other.
Suddenly Satan appeared, in a puff of smoke at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling
each other in a frantic effort to escape the evil incarnate. Soon everyone
was evacuated from the church, except for one elderly man, who sat quietly
in his pew, not moving.
This confused Satan, so he walked up to the man and said, "Don't you know
who I am?"
The man replied, "Sure do".
Satan said, "Aren't you afraid of me?"
"Nope,sure ain't" replied the man.
Satan was a little perturbed,and asked, "Why aren't you afraid of me?"
The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for over 43 years".
Quote: Damn His Duckpond @ June 16 2010, 12:02 PM BSTI was watching Rude Britannia on BBC4 last night. It featured a comedian called Frank Randle who was famous in the 1950s. One of his gags was:
I supped some stuff last night! I sent some of this to be analysed and got a Telegram back saying "your horse has diabetes".
That's about 50 years old that joke and it's a beauty.
If you can get hold of the radio series 'How Tickled Am I?' there's an episode dedicated to Frank Randle. What a man !
Didn't Bob Monkhouse put a case forward for there being only old jokes, continually recycled.
And didn't he also say there are only about seven jokes anyway? Or is it five? I don't suppose it matters.
Anyway, here's my favourite 'old' joke:
---------------------------------------
Vicar: (to village idiot) Ah, beautiful day.. spring in the air, Tom!
Tom: (disgruntled) Spring in the air yourself, vicar!
Hopeful shots
My uncle Joe and his best mate Tim went hunting in Canada a couple of
months ago. Somehow they got lost. Uncle Joe reassured his friend,
though: "Don't worry. All we have to do is shoot into the air three
times, stay where we are, and someone will find us."
They shot in the air three times, but no one came. After a while, they
tried it again. Still no response. When they decided to try once
more, Tim said, "It better work this time. We're down to our last
three arrows."
An old Max Miller joke. I've probably not got it completely correct.
"I met this woman on a narrow mountain path. There was no room to pass. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off."
OK - here it is.
Quote: Chappers @ June 16 2010, 4:43 PM BSTAn old Max Miller joke. I've probably not got it completely correct.
"I met this woman on a narrow mountain path. There was no room to pass. I didn't know whether to block her passage or toss myself off."
OK - here it is.
I know that's on the MMAS site (I'm a lapsed member) but I still have serious doubts that Max would ever have said that. Bob Monkhouse also said he didn't.
All the MM stuff I've got. about nine CDs. plus whatever I've seen on tele, plus Dave Sealey's masterful 'Solid Gold of the Music Hall' one man show, indicates that he was so clever that something as obvious as that , to me, just does not sit with the Maxie I've heard.
Perhaps someone knows differently but I don't think anyone has ever come out, hand on heart, to say they ever heard him tell that joke.
I suspect you are correct there, Oldrocker. Not a Max Miller gag.
Quote: Frankie Rage @ June 16 2010, 1:43 PM BSTDidn't Bob Monkhouse put a case forward for there being only old jokes, continually recycled.
And wasn't Bob known as 'the Thief of Badgags'
"They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. They're not laughing now." Bob Monkhouse.
"I met my wife in Hong Kong. I said, what the bloody hell are you doing here?" Alexei Sayle AKA Bobby Chariot.
"Married. Children. Should have married an adult." Alexei Sayle AKA Bobby Chariot.
A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said "I haven't seen you in a long time"
The man replied, "I know I've been ill". Tommy Cooper.
"I want to die like my father, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming and terrified, like his passengers." Bob Monkhouse.
"When the inventor of the drawing board messed things up, what did he go back to?" Bob Monkhouse.
Monkhouse was something of a comedy genius.
Quote: Michael O'Connor @ July 15 2010, 11:59 PM BSTMonkhouse was something of a comedy genius.
I think you are right.
Quote: Oldrocker @ June 16 2010, 11:44 PM BSTI know that's on the MMAS site (I'm a lapsed member) but I still have serious doubts that Max would ever have said that. Bob Monkhouse also said he didn't.
All the MM stuff I've got. about nine CDs. plus whatever I've seen on tele, plus Dave Sealey's masterful 'Solid Gold of the Music Hall' one man show, indicates that he was so clever that something as obvious as that , to me, just does not sit with the Maxie I've heard.
Perhaps someone knows differently but I don't think anyone has ever come out, hand on heart, to say they ever heard him tell that joke.
My dad told me something very similar and I was surprised - but he never had access to the internet or anything. I think it was in Max's little blue book.
A joke I heard when I was a kid and still makes me laugh today. (Not sure if it's a Northern thing).
A teacher was asking her young class about what words they knew.
"Now class, who can give me a sentence that contains the word "champion"?
Scruffy Tommy threw his hand up but the teacher knew better than to go to straight to him, so she chose the class swot, Emily.
Emily said "My father has a trophy for playing polo spiffingly, so that makes him a champion".
"Very good Emily" said the teacher. "Now who can guive me a sentence that contains the word 'champion' twice?
Again, Scruffy Tommy's hand flies up. The teacher looks around the class but nobody else is offering an answer. She sighs and relents.
"Alright Tommy, let's hear it then" she says.
Tommy says "This morning when we were havin' breakfast, me sister who's 14 came downstairs cryin' "I'm pregnant!" And me Dad went "Champion. F**kin' champion."