Bloody Charity Accosters.
BUSY HIGH STREET- A GROUP OF YOUNG ADULTS WITH CLIPBOARDS ARE BEING ADDRESSED BY AN OLDER GUY (LEADER).
LEADER:
Who are we?
ALL:
Save The World!
LEADER:
WHO ARE WE?!
ALL:
SAVE THE WORLD!
LEADER:
And what do we want?!
ALL:
Everyone's money!!!
LEADER:
And when do we want it?!
ALL:
At the most inconvenient time possible!
LEADER:
Yeah! Well done, team. Now, we've got a couple of newbies starting with us today, so I'm relying on you guys to show them how to...?
ALL:
Accost! Accost! Accost!
LEADER:
You're all hunters! You're all he-beasts and she-beasts! You're at the top of the food-chain and you'll DEVOUR every, single, passer-by!
ALL:
YEAH!
LEADER:
If they look tired: are you gonna waylay them?!
ALL:
YEAH!
LEADER:
If they're having an obviously intimate conversation with a loved one: are you gonna accost them?!
ALL:
YEAH!
LEADER:
You! You're a lion!
PRETTY GIRL INDICATED NODS.
LEADER:
Roar!
PRETTY GIRL ROARS.
LEADER:
You! You're an eagle!
INDICATED PRETTY BOY OBLIGINGLY FLAPS HIS ARMS AND SQUAWKS.
LEADER:
You! You're a shark!
INDICATED GIRL HESITATES... THEN SINGS THE 'JAWS' THEME.
THE GROUP IS PUMPED!
LEADER:
Hunters need weapons; what are yours?! First: charm!
LEADER POINTS AT ANOTHER OF THE PRETTY GIRLS: SHE RESPONDS BY BRUSHING HAIR OUT OF FACE, SMIIILES AND SAYS PROVOCATIVELY:
GIRL:
Hi... Can I have a moment of your time, sir?
LEADER:
Second: body-block!
LEADER POINTS AT ANOTHER PRETTY BOY: HE RESPONDS BY STRETCHING WIDE HIS ARMS.
LEADER:
Third: LIES!
LEADER POINTS AT A DIFFERENT PRETTY GIRL:
GIRL:
I won't take more than a minute of your time-I'm not asking for money-You could make a Real difference!
LEADER:
Stop at nothing! Get those bank details! Girls: stuff your bras and flirt with guys! Guys: stuff your pants and flirt with girls! Gays: pretend you're straight and flirt with gays! Lesbians: go home.
LEADER STARTS MARCHING ON SPOT.
LEADER:
ACCOST! GET THOSE DONATIONS! MAY YOUR OPENING-LINES BE PRESUMPTIOUS! MAY YOUR MANNER BE PUSHY! ACCOST! ACCOST!
ALL:
ACCOST! ACCOST!
LEADER:
FLYYY!!!
THEY DASH INTO CROWD WIELDING THEIR CLIPBOARDS.
LEAVING ONE YOUNG PRETTY GUY LOOKING UNSURE.
LEADER SMILES SYMPATHETICALLY.
GUY:
First day.
LEADER CLAPS A REASSURING HAND ONTO FIRST DAY GUY'S SHOULDER AND LOOKS HIM IN THE EYE.
LEADER:
FLYYYYYY!!!
GUY FLEES.
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FIRST DAY GUY IS STOOD AGAINST A PILLAR IN MIDDLE OF BUSY HIGH STREET, CONCENTRATING...
GUY (VOICE OVER):
Since the dawn of time man has hunted his prey; a primordial contest with only one winner: the victor.
Man has learnt to wait for his prey; he stalks it, searching for the vulnerable, waiting for the... perfect moment!
Strength of the bear!
Courage of the lion!
GUY STEPS FORWARD AND ACCOSTS A LADY.
GUY:
Good-morning, can you spare...
LADY PASSES, IGNORES HIM.
GUY STEPS BACK:
GUY (VOICE OVER):
...Bitch...
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MISERABLE DAY. PISSING DOWN.
GUY IS ON A VERY BUSY PAVEMENT NEXT TO A VERY BUSY ROAD. HOLDS OVERLARGE 'SAVE THE WORLD' UMBRELLA. HE EYES-UP PASSERSBY.
ONE ATTRACTS HIS ATTENTION: A BEAUTIFULLY DRESSED LADY HOLDING HER HANDBAG PROTECTIVELY OVER HER NEWLY DRESSED HAIR. SHE'S TRYING TO SNEAK PAST GUY BY WALKING IN THE ROAD ON THE DOUBLE YELLOW LINES DURING MOMENTARY LULL IN TRAFFIC.
GUY WIDENS HIS ARMS INTO BODY BLOCK, STEPS OFF PAVEMENT TOWARD LADY WHO IS GRADUALLY HERDED FURTHER AND FURTHER OUT INTO THE ROAD IN AN EFFORT TO AVOID HIM.
GUY:
You look like you've got a moment to spare!
A CAR ZOOMS BY. LADY DRENCHED.
LADY:
BUGGER!!!
GUY:
Have you ever considered donating to Save The World?
LADY, RUINED, SCREAMS LONG INTO HIS FACE.
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GUY ON BUSY HIGH STREET; HE SPOTS A LADY WHO'S WALKING AND EATING A BURGER.
GUY STEPS BEHIND A PHONEBOX THEN STEPS INTO HER PATH WITH ARMS WIDE.
GUY:
Hell...
LADY, SHOCKED, DROPS BURGER.
LADY GIVES GUY EVIL LOOK AS SHE WALKS OFF.
GUY (POINTING AT BURGER):
There're children in Africa who'd kill for that!
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GUY ACCOSTS A MAN WHO'S WALKING PAST.
GUY:
Hi. Can I have a minute of your time?
MAN:
Look, buddy; if I gave a minute of my time to everyone that asked I'd be dead. Sorry.
MAN WALKS PAST.
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GUY SPOTS A LADY MEANDERING ALONG PEACEFULLY.
ERGO HE ACCOSTS HER.
GUY:
You look like you've got a moment to spare!
LADY BREAKS OUT OF REVERY AND FROWNS.
LADY (ANIMATEDLY):
Oh, bloody thank-you! 'Cause that was the look I was going for when I got dressed this morning. I looked at every item of apparel I own and selected only those which made me look like a spare-timer. Oh! "What do you do in your spare time, spare-timer?" Oh, I spend my time talking to slightly insulting strangers!
GUY:
I'm from Save The World.
LADY LOOKS ALL AROUND BRIEFLY.
LADY:
Seems alright to me.
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THE MID-DAY TEAM MEETING.
LEADER ADDRESSES THEM.
LEADER:
How much money?! Signatures?!
LEADER POINTS AT EACH IN TURN: EACH BARKS A NUMBER...
GUY IS POINTED AT.
GUY:
One...
THE PRETTY GUY WHO SHOUTED OUT THE HIGHEST NUMBER BREAKS RANK AND INTERPOSES HIMSELF 'TWEEN GUY AND LEADER.
PRETTY GUY:
But it's his first morning, Boss!
LEADER:
...Then one is a good number. Very respectable. In only one morning, and on your first day! Brill!
PRETTY GUY GETS BACK IN LINE.
LEADER:
... Just as long as it isn't your own!
GUY BELATEDLY FORCES A LAUGH.
LEADER:
The rules to Save The World 'basic pay' are: there are no rules, except get at least ten signatures before you go home.
Holly, you've only two to go, so you'll be finished soon, you lucky dog: what will you do with yourself?
HOLLY:
Oh, I'm going to rush straight home and stand in front of the mirror practicing this job!
TEAM LAUGH UNCERTAINLY AT THIS...
PRETTY GUY BREAKS RANK AND INTERPOSES HIMSELF AGAIN...
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GUY, LOOKING DESPERATE, STOPS CHILDREN AND TRIES TO GET THEIR PARENT'S ACCOUNT DETAILS.
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GUY ACCOSTS A PERSON WHO WORKS FOR A DIFFERENT CHARITY.
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IT'S EVENING NOW. AND GUY SPOTS A FAT MAN CARRYING LOADS OF PARCELS AWKWARDLY.
GUY APPROACHES HIM, AND FAT MAN TRIES TO GET OUT OF GUY'S PATH WHILE BALANCING ALL THE PARCELS.
GUY SPREADS WIDE HIS ARMS, AND THE FAT MAN TRIES TO AVOID GUY. FAT MAN DROPS THE PARCELS AND THERE IS THE SOUND OF SHATTERING GLASS ETC.
GUY:
I'm collecting for Save The World!
FAT MAN PICKS UP THE PARCELS AND HURLS THEM AT GUY, ONE AFTER ANOTHER, CHASING GUY AWAY.
FAT MAN:
Just take it! Take the lot! Take it all!
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GUY SPOTS A LADY AND TRIES A NEW TACTIC.
GUY:
Hello, darlin'; ever considered donating to Save The World?
LADY:
Sorry, no.
GUY:
Well, hows about a drink, then?
LADY SPITS IN HIS FACE.
LADY:
Consider it a donation! There're children in Africa who'd kill for that!
thought I'd write all this crap down in rough and see if a story was amongst it all...
remember armando ianucci saying that for the thick of it he'd film loads of footage and then, when he was editing it, he'd see if a story presented itself; and that's how I write.
so if you've got to the end of this then waddya think? crap, no? the only reason I wanted to write it was cause I hate the new breed of charity accosters.