This didn't quite turn out as manic or dark as I wished it to be. Oh well, constructive criticism always welcome.
The Health and Safety Supernanny Sketch
INT. HOME, BABY'S ROOM
A SUPERNANNY walks into the baby's room with a camera crew behind her, where MOTHER and FATHER are cuddling the baby.
SUPERNANNY
So you want me to deal with your baby, is that correct?
MOTHER
We just want our little baby to be safe, that's all.
FATHER
And get a proper education.
SUPERNANNY
I see. And how do you expect him to be safe with those arms?
MOTHER
I beg your pardon?
SUPERNANNY
Arms, arms!
FATHER
We thought you were a supernanny, not a beggar.
(MOTHER slaps FATHER on the shoulder.)
MOTHER
Oh please be quiet.
SUPERNANNY
How do you expect him to be safe with these arms around? He could pick up random glass shards from the floor and bash them against his eyes! He could put marbles in his mouth to choke! He could shove marmite up his ears!
FATHER
Marmite isn't dangerous.
SUPERNANNY
I'm a supernanny, shut up.
MOTHER
Well, what do you want us to do?
SUPERNANNY
Remove any possibility that he might pick up something dangerous.
MOTHER
You don't mean -
SUPERNANNY
Cut his arms off, that's what! Cut them off! Cut them off in the name of health and safety.
MOTHER
You can't be sure-
SUPERNANNY
I'm a supernanny, all right? I did that to twenty other babies before your son, and after that I got not even one complaint from parents saying that their babies cut themselves with glass shards. Questions?
MOTHER
Uh - if you say so...
(MOTHER embraces the baby differently so that the baby's legs might show up. SUPERNANNY gasps.)
SUPERNANNY
Huuuuhhhh! What are those?
FATHER
You mean legs?
SUPERNANNY
Legs?! I won't have legs with my babies! They could walk into glass shards and cut their own feet! They might bash their stubby feet against a door frame and break some toenails!
FATHER
But how can we prevent that from happening once you've gone?
SUPERNANNY
Cut his legs off, that's what! Cut them off! Cut them off in the name of health and safety.
FATHER
Bu-
SUPERNANNY
Shut up, I'm a supernanny. Those same parents didn't make even one complaint that their babies lost their toenail after bashing their foot against a doorframe. I have experience, dammit!
FATHER
Now look, I don't know what you're playing at, but -
(SUPERNANNY gasps one more time.)
SUPERNANNY
This baby has a head? With a brain inside that can think of a million ways to accidentally hurt himself? He could bash his head against the table! Cut himself with a knife!
MOTHER
How will he do that once you've cut off all his arms?
SUPERNANNY
Well he might think of kicking a ball the wrong way and blowing up his intestines with it!
FATHER
And he can do that without his legs?
SUPERNANNY
Cut the head off! In the name of health and safety!
FATHER
Hang on. May I ask what you were in your previous occupation?
SUPERNANNY
Employee of the Health and Safety Executive.
FATHER
I see.
(FATHER turns to the camera. It turns out that this was a public announcement.)
FATHER
With the current recession and the governmental budget cuts, thousands of Health and Safety workers who were kept safely away from society are now walking along the streets, attempting to make everything "safer." But we can change that. So the next time you see a Health and Safety worker, please make sure to kill the bastard with axes, guns, or even the rampant chainsaw.
SUPERNANNY
You can't do that! Unpasteurized flesh might contain bacteria!
FATHER
Will you shut up!
