I wrote this sketch for a radio interview series called "The Shotgun Interviews". You can hear a production of the sketch on You Tube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qsnn2NeNqao
You can listen this and other Shotgun Interviews at the marzipanic website: http://www.marzipanic.co.uk/shotgun.html. Just click on the picture to play each sketch.
Hope you enjoy. Please let me know your thoughts.
INTERVIEWER: Of course a lot of people hold you responsible for the accident.
CAPTAIN: Well of course it depends who you ask. You've got to get the facts straight before you go bandying accusation about willy-nilly. But seeing as I'm getting paid for this interview I am prepared to hear you out.
INTERVIEWER: So who do you blame?
CAPTAIN: Well it's the Council's responsibility to ensure that the necessary safe-guards in place in the event of a catastrophe and clearly they were not.
INTERVIEWER: You mean the lack of life boats.
CAPTAIN: No I mean the total lack of a decent badger-boy.
INTERVIEWER: A badger-boy?
CAPTAIN: It's a nautical expression for some very junior member of staff who takes full responsibility for everything and can be easily blamed and fired. Sadly this wasn't the case which is why I'm having to sit here doing these f**king interviews.
INTERVIEWER: But surely as captain of the Titanic you must take some responsibly?
CAPTAIN: Yes I was captain, and I did go down with my ship. It's not my fault I was rescued. Not that I'm ungrateful to the Mother's Union Dingy Bathing Association. Quite what they were doing in the mid-Atlantic ice flows at twenty past three in the morning I can only guess at.
INTERVIEWER: And when did you first realise something was wrong?
CAPTAIN: (ponders) When I saw a f**king huge iceberg.
INTERVIEWER: And what went through your mind?
CAPTAIN: Well my first thoughts were: f**king, shit, bollocks! You see in training it's very hard to simulate a huge, giant iceberg. The closest we ever got was pushing some ice cubes around in a bucket. And as they said in training - if you should ever encounter a small bucket of ice cubes floating in the sea try and steer 'round - which makes a lot of sense. But at the time of the incident we had an insufficient number of crew at the wheel.
INTERVIEWER: So how many people were at the wheel?
CAPTAIN: Err none. They were all drunk. We were having a party as I recall and we'd forgotten to pack any fresh drinking water. An oversight I blame totally on the dockside badger-boy. We'd been on gin for the last 600 miles, consequently we were trying to distil sea water through my socks. Being Captain I had the finest socks in the crew.
INTERVIEWER: And where did the idea of "women and children first" come from?
CAPTAIN: Oh well that wasn't my initial suggestion. No, my initial suggestion was: Captain first! But one of the crew said that might not look very good when we got rescued so I changed it to: Captain, women and children first! But as I couldn't locate my socks I was forced to stay on board and eventually go down with my ship.
INTERVIEWER: Well thank you Captain Smith and as we're now both ankle-deep in water I think we'd better end the interview here.
CAPTAIN: Yes thank you. Life boats on the left as you leave. Captain first! Captain first! Wait 'till I get my hands on that bloody badger-boy.