Hi
This was my Sitcom Saturday rejection. It's called 'Birthday Surprise'
I could put a character synopsis but it would be interesting to find out if they come out in the script.
(PS has EMPTY left the forum? I liked his POVs)
Birthday Surprise
SCENE 1. JOSH'S BEDROOM. INT. 10AM DAY 1
CHAMPSELISE IS SITTING IN FRONT OF A MIRROR AT A VANITY UNIT BRUSHING HER HAIR.
JOSH IS LOOKING THROUGH SOME MAIL RECEIVED.
JOSH
Oh fantastic, I've won the Reader's Digest prize draw.
And I never even entered it. I could win a brand
new sport's car, a fortnight on hedonism island or
small plastic flower pot.
CHAMPSELISE
Ooh I hope so, I've run out of flower pots.
JOSH GIVES CHAMPSELISE A DISTASTFUL LOOK AND OPENS ANOTHER ENVELOPE
JOSH
And Ben's invited us to a surprise party at his house.
Admittedly, he's not the brightest bulb in the box, it
wouldn't surprise me if it was his own surprise party.
CHAMPSELISE
Don't like surprise parties.
JOSH
Why not?
CHAMPSELISE
I was invited to Aaron Chippokatahesh's party when I
was 10. I thought it was his birthday. I spent the whole
day at his Bar mitzvah dressed as Tinker bell.
It was a surprise to me I can tell you.
SCENE 2. BEN'S HOUSE. INT. STUDIO 9PM DAY 1
BEN IS IN HIS HOUSE WITH BOTCH AND TIM
BOTCH IS STANDING LOOKING QUITE INDIGNANT AS THOUGH HE'D RATHER NOT BE THERE.
TIM IS WEARING A DRESS
BOTCH
(TO TIM) Can't believe I'm here. I've got so many
other things I could be doing. The drain outside my
house is overflowing for a start, I need to take a look.
TIM
(CAMP AND SLIGHTLY FLIRTY) Oh, entering a MAN
HOLE eh? Sounds like my kind of night in.
BOTCH
(CONFUSED) You what? You know I don't like Ben.
I've got loads of things I need to do.
TIM
Botch. I've known you for 5 years. You've got no job
and except for drinking, the only thing I've ever known
you to do is donate a teaspoon of your sperm. Name
1 other thing you need to do?
BOTCH
Err...Wash my hair!?
TIM
Botch. You once told me that you NEVER wash your
hair.
BOTCH
I meant pubic.
THE DOORBELL RINGS AND BEN GOES TO ANSWER IT.
HE HAS SOME TOILET PAPER UP BOTH NOSTRILS WHERE IT HAS BEEN BLEEDING.
IT'S JOSH AND CHAMPSELISE HOLDING A PRESENT
BEN
(SANCTIMONIOUSLY) Peace be with you both,
freedom in the name of Jesus. Welcome to my
humble home. Please come in.
CHAMPSELISE
(WHILST AT THE DOOR RIGHT IN FRONT OF BEN)
I thought you said he wasn't a weirdo.
JOSH GIVES BEN AN AWKWARD SMILE. HE AND CHAMPSELISE WALK IN ARM IN ARM -
CHAMPSELISE GIVING BEN A WEIRD 'KEEP AWAY FROM ME' LOOK
BEN
Allow me to anoint your feet with virgin oil from the
olive.
JOSH
(NOT SARCASTICALLY) Wow Ben. I didn't realise
the surprise to this party was that you wanted your
guests oiled and slippery.
BEN BENDS DOWN WITH A BOTTLE OF OLIVE OIL AND JOSH TAKES A STEP BACK.
JOSH
No thank you. I have a phobia about this kind of thing.
CHAMPSELISE
What kind of thing?
JOSH
It's about guys called Ben bending over in front of me
and dowsing my feet in oil before I go skating
uncontrollably around their living room......
But thank you anyway
JOSH AND CHAMPSELISE WALK TOWARDS THE LIVING ROOM.
AS CHAMPSELISE IS WALKING PAST A SMILING BEN, SHE DOES SMALL STABBING MOTIONS WITH HER HAND, (HER FOREFINGER AND MIDDLE FINGER POINTING AT HIM) WHILST MAKING SMALL HISSING SOUNDS.
THEY ENTER THE LIVING ROOM AND SEE THE OTHERS.
BOTCH SEES THEM AND WALKS OVER
BOTCH
Josh. Thank God you're here. Tim's the only other
person here and he looks like Lulu Von Tit from that
porno 'The Brown Mile'.
JOSH
(SLIGHTLY DISMISSIVE) Porno? Don't know what
you're talking about, I've never watched a
pornographic film in my life.
CHAMPSELISE
What about those DVDs in the drawer at home?
JOSH
(SLIGHTLY UNCOMFORTABLE) Champselise, in
my drawer at home, I've got a series of nature
documentaries by David Attenborough.
CHAMPSELISE
(INNOCENTLY) Oh so was that him with the whip in
the mask in that one called "Freaked Out Shit"?
JOSH
(NERVOUSLY) Erm yes.... So Botch, did Ben anoint
you when you came in?
BOTCH
He tried but when he bent over, I kicked him in the
face.
JOSH
Ah, I did notice his nose had been bleeding.
BOTCH
Oh no, I kicked him in the forehead, then when he
tried to hug me, nutted him and broke his nose.
JOSH CARRIES ON WALKING AROUND TO GREET PEOPLE.
HE SEES TIM WHO IS WEARING
A DRESS.
JOSH
Tim. Here by yourself I see.
TIM
(CAMP AND DEFENSIVE) Well observed.
JOSH
Waiting for Botch to go to the toilet so you can look
through the keyhole?
TIM
HUFF !!! TSK
TIM MOMENTARILY LOOKS AWAY IN A DEFENSIVE HUFF THEN LOOKS BACK WITH A "HOW DID YOU KNOW?" LOOK ON HIS FACE
JOSH
And by what you're wearing, I can only assume
(SHORT PAUSE)...... it's laundry day?
TIM
Thought it was fancy dress.
JOSH
Of course you did. So you probably aren't wearing
women' underwear then?
TIM
(DISMISSIVE) Lace knickers for me are purely for
comfort.
AS JOSH WALKS AWAY, TIM GIVES HIM AN EVIL GLARE. THEN HE ADJUSTS HIS UNDERWEAR.
BEN GETS A CALL... A COUPLE OF SECONDS LATER, HE HANGS UP.
BEN
OK everyone, I've been informed that Mel is just
round the corner and will be here any minute so lights
out and a big "surprise" when she comes in.
THE LIGHTS GO OFF.
CHAMPSELISE
Oh no, I forgot, I don't like the dark. Reminds me of
when I was in the womb. And I'm claustrophobic too.
BEN
OK everyone, quiet. She's here.
THE KEYS ARE HEARD IN THE LOCK. THE DOOR OPENS. MEL ENTERS THE HOUSE.
BEN
(QUIETLY) Get ready...
FOOTSTEPS ARE HEARD GOING STRAIGHT PAST THE LOUNGE WITHOUT ENTERING
BEN
(QUIETLY) Oh dear. She's in the kitchen
THE TV IN THE KITCHEN CAN BE HEARD SWITCHING ON.
EVERYONE WHISPERS TO EACH OTHER
BEN
Erm, could be here a while. If need be, do any of you
mind staying here until 6am, when she wakes up?
BOTCH
Sure, why not? and while you're at it, you want to all
line up and take it in turns to kick me in the bollocks?
CHAMPSELISE
I can't stay. My alarm is at home, I won't hear it from
here, I'll sleep right through it.
TIM
I can't stay either. I have stuff to do, places to go,
people to see.... my guinea pig'll miss me.... and
when he does, he gets all frumpy and poos all over
his cage, and not solid ones either.. those beige
watery ones.
BOTCH
Tim, you really need a girlfriend.
TIM
(DUBIOUSLY) Er yes Botch
(WHISPERS TO HIMSELF) My darling
TIM SOBS QUIETLY TO HIMSELF
JOSH
Hmmm, anticipation wise, I must say, this has to be
right up there with last month's royal gala tarts and
vicars party I went to. Tsk, and I thought nothing
would beat seeing the Queen dressed in
stockings and split crotch panties.
BOTCH
And I could be at home washing my pubes
FADE OUT:
"20 BORING MINUTES LATER"
FADE IN:
JOSH
(WHISPERING)....It must be a camel?
BOTCH
(WHISPERING) No.
TIM
(WHISPERING) We give up.
BOTCH
(WHISPERING) It's a kumquat.
TIM
(WHISPERING) What? A kumquat?
JOSH
(WHISPERING BUT SLIGHTLY ANNOYED) A
kumquat - Botcher Starling - is a fruit.
BOTCH
(WHISPERING) I know
JOSH
(WHISPERING) It's not an animal, it doesn't live in
the desert and it certainly does not have a hump.
BOTCH
(WHISPERING) I know. I thought it'd make the game a bit more
interesting.
THE TV IN THE KITCHEN CAN BE HEARD BEING SWITCHED OFF. AND MEL LEAVES THE KITCHEN.
BEN
(WHISPERING) Here she comes... get ready.
THE FOOTSTEPS WALK PAST THE LOUNGE AND INTO ANOTHER ROOM ON THE GROUND FLOOR
JOSH
(WHISPERING) Although I recall having more fun at
the royal gala party. For a start, I could see where the
hors d'oeuvres were.
BEN
(WHISPERING) Erm. She's gone to bed.
I'll phone her up on her landline, the phone's in here.
BEN TAKES HIS MOBILE PHONE OUT AND CALLS HER.
THE PHONE STARTS RINGING IN THE LOUNGE
BEN
(WHISPERING) I hear her coming. Get ready everyone.
THE LOUNGE DOOR OPENS, THE LIGHT GOES ON.
EVERYONE
S U R P R I S E
MEL - A 75 YEAR OLD LADY -
SCREAMS, RECOILS IN HORROR FROM THE IMMENSE SHOCK AND FALLS BACKWARDS ON THE GROUND.
BEN
OH NO..... Grandma.
BEN RUNS OVER TO HER ON THE GROUND
EVERYONE ELSE
(IN EXTREME CONFUSION) Grandma?
BEN
CALL AN AMBULANCE, SHE'S NOT BREATHING.
BOTCH
Calm down everyone... I've got a taser I nicked from a
copper I mugged yesterday.
(POINTS THE TASER)
CLEAR
EVERYONE STANDS BACK.
BOTCH ZAPS HER WITH THE TASER.
MEL'S FEET LIFT OFF THE GROUND FROM THE SHOCK.
BOTCH
CLEAR
BOTCH ZAPS HER AGAIN. MEL'S GETS THE JOLT. SHE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS AS SHE COMES BACK TO LIFE.
SHE GROANS A LITTLE.
BEN
Oh thank the lord... she's.........
BOTCH
CLEAR
EVERYONE
BOTCH ..NOOOO
BOTCH ZAPS HER AGAIN.
MEL JOLTS AND FALLS BACK DOWN TO THE GROUND.
BEN
OH NO.. She's dead again.
BOTCH
CLEAR...(ZAP).. CLEAR.. oh bugger. The battery's
flat. Shouldn't have used it so much on those kids
yesterday........ But it's ok.. I know HIV
TIM
You mean CPR
BOTCH
Duh, no way... that's the gay robot from Star Wars. I
think not.
BOTCH STEPS FORWARDS OVER MEL. HE LOOKS AT HER AND WITH AN AIR OF UNCERTAINTY, LOOKS AT BEN.
BOTCH
Erm...how old did you say she was?
BEN
75 years young.
BOTCH
(LOOKS AT HER AND WITH UNCERTAINTY)
Erm..... Not 20?
BEN
No
BOTCH
Erm.. I think I'd better leave it to someone else.
BEN
What? but you know CPR.
BOTCH
Well I'm not very good at it. In training I never
managed to bring that dummy back to life.
JOSH
Oh stand back you working class yob... I'll do it.
JOSH GETS DOWN AND STARTS PUMPING HER CHEST... THEN HE CLOSES HER NOSE AND GOES TO GIVE HER MOUTH TO MOUTH.
A COUPLE OF BREATHS INTO IT, HE STRAIGHTENS UP WITH A DISGUSTED LOOK AND SOME FALSE TEETH IN HIS MOUTH.
HE SPITS THEM OUT AND CARRIES ON.
MEL STARTS COUGHING AND WAKES UP. SHE SITS UP - HER FACE IS BLACK AND HER HAIR IS STANDING UP FROM THE TASER SHOCKS.
BEN
SHE'S ALIVE. THANKS BE TO GOD.
JOSH
What do you mean - thanks be to god? It wasn't God
who came down and copped a mouthful of old
woman - it was ME.
MEL COUGHS A COUPLE OF TIMES AND SEES JOSH. SHE SMILES, GRABS HIM AND DRAGS HIS FACE TO HERS FOR AN ENORMOUS SNOG.
JOSH IS DRAGGED TO HER, HIS ARMS FLAILING ABOUT.
SHE LETS HIM GO AND HE PULLS BACK STUNNED.
CHAMPSELISE
(SHOUTS) JOSH.....
LOOKS AWKWARDLY AT CHAMPSELISE
JOSH
Erm - She's just a friend.
CHAMPSELISE STARTS CRYING
MEL LOOKS AROUND IN WONDER
MEL
Thank you so much but I'm just out of hospital.
The doctor said I should rest.
A surprise party is probably not the best way to help
me recover.
JOSH
What were you in hospital for?
MEL
I've got a very weak heart, I had a heart attack.
JOSH
And Ben thought it might be a good idea for everyone to scream
SURPRISE at you when you weren't expecting it?
BEN
Well glad you're out of hospital gran. Welcome home.
HOLDING A PARTY POPPER, BEN PUTS IT IN THE VICINITY OF MEL'S FACE AND PULLS THE STRING.
AS IT POPS, MEL SCREAMS AND RECOILS IN TERROR AGAIN.
END OF EPISODE