Pirates sketch

An almost-but-not-quite-good-enough for RFTP sketch.

ATMOS: SEA SHANTY

BOTH: Yaaaarrr!!!

CAPTAIN: So ye be looking for a place on me crew, eh?

SCURVY JIM: Aye Cap'n. Scurvy Jim's the name. I've been pirating 30 years, man and cabin boy.

CAPTAIN: I can't be having no lily-livered curs on me crew matey. Have ye ever had to chew the lips from a dead man's face to avoid starvation while stranded on a desert island? Have ye ever been made to walk the plank armed with only your bare teeth and a soggy parrot to fight off the sharks?

SCURVY JIM: Aye cap'n. It's all on my CV there, see?

CAPTAIN: Well you certainly look like a scurvy knave. That's a fine eye-patch you have there matey. (BEAT) Two fine eye-patches in fact.

SCURVY JIM: Aye Cap'n. I was trying to put my eye patch on in rough seas and I accidentally gouged out my good eye with this hook I have instead of my right hand.

CAPTAIN: Yaarr, 'tis truly one of the occupational hazards of pirating, especially when you have two hooks instead of hands...

SCURVY JIM: 'Tis a long and tragic tale Cap'n but with these two hooks I can slit a gizzard twice as fast as any man alive (BEAT) and they're great for picking up corn-on-the-cob.

CAPTAIN: Aye, I can see that from the 'hobbies' section of your CV... and the fact you continue pirating with so many bits missing just shows what a callous sea-dog ye be. But tell me matey - does the peg-leg give you much trouble?

SCURVY JIM: No Cap'n.

CAPTAIN: And having two peg-legs doesn't bother you at all?

SCURVY JIM: Yaarr. Saves me a fortune in shoes, Cap'n. Leaves more booty to be spending on grog and wenches.

CAPTAIN: And is there a reason why your peg-leg has an eye-patch?

SCURVY JIM: Just a couple of the lads havin' a laugh Cap'n. They'll get a lick o' the cat for it later.

CAPTAIN: Stap me vitals, matey. I've never seen a more piratey pirate. I mean, you even have two incredibly piratey beards...

SCURVY JIM: Aye Cap'n. One blue beard and one black beard, yaarr.

CAPTAIN: Well I've just got a couple of aptitude questions. Can't stand 'em meself but HR insist ye know?

SCURVY JIM: Aye Cap'n.

CAPTAIN: What's the correct response to hearing of a merchant ship laden with gold less than a day's sailing away?

SCURVY JIM: (SHOUTING) Hoist the Jolly Roger and keelhaul the cabin boy - we sail at dawn!

CAPTAIN: Textbook answer matey! What say we celebrate with a bottle of champagne?

SCURVY JIM: Yaaar, 'tis a trick question. Just a ship's biscuit and grog for me Cap'n.

CAPTAIN: You're truly a man after me own blackened, pus-filled heart, matey. You're hired.

SCURVY JIM: Thankee Cap'n. Just one question - does your ship have any exercise facilities?

CAPTAIN: Aaarrr, a gym, lad. Welcome aboard.

BOTH: Yaaarrr!!

My favourite pirate sketch. The double beard line really got me. Really good.

The missing bits is a great idea for radio, and I love the corn on the cob line; the final gag is a groaner, but a good one - my criticism there would be that the set up does not arise naturally out of the sketch.

I thought some of the lines dragged their length a little. This could possibly be fixed by changing the word order round, e.g.

Have ye ever had to chew the lips from a dead man's face to avoid starvation while stranded on a desert island? Have ye ever been made to walk the plank armed with only your bare teeth and a soggy parrot to fight off the sharks?

could become:

Have ye ever staved off starvation while marooned on a desert island by chewing the lips from a dead man's face? Have ye ever been made to walk the plank armed with nothing to fight off the sharks but your bare teeth and a soggy parrot?

(note: pirates are marooned not stranded.)

But a fun sketch all the same.

I loved this. Silly and very funny.

You could change the last line[s] to joining the Israeli military and seizing aid convoys and send it to NR. Would work nicely as a topical sketch.

I laughed so loud when I got to the 2 eye patches, that Mr. Keewik came to see what was wrong. He's the least easily amused person I know, but he thought it was funny, too.

I've vague thoughts that there were too many pairs of things. Cut one? But can't suggest which.

The line that did it for me:

CAPTAIN: And is there a reason why your peg-leg has an eye-patch?

SCURVY JIM: Just a couple of the lads havin' a laugh Cap'n.

Good stuff.

*Double thumbs up* Very good use of a strong concept.

Well written with lots of funny lines.
Good stuff Afinkawan!

I loved it. Funny and clever, well done.

Thanks all. I was pretty pleased with the idea (it was actually based on a Live Role-Playing character I came up with. Running round Chislehurst Caves with two eye-patches on and trying to read a scroll with two hooks instead of hands was interesting...)

Fubsy - it did originally have a lame-ish topical ending which didn't really fit. I think the sketch stands better as it is without a clumsy pull-back/reveal.

Thanks for the technical correction Timbo. 'Marooned' it is. And somewhere in the process I seem to have misplaced the Captain's last line which was "HR be requiring me to ask if you have any questions to ask us, matey," which made the ending groaner fit a bit better. No idea when or where that line vanished though!

yep, do see your point. it would be nice to see it performed though,i think it would get a really good reaction. do you have another outlet for it?

Not at the moment but I'm not going to ruin it just to get it on NR/TS.