British Comedy Guide

Radio sitcom - History Repeating

Hi,

Here is a radio sitcom I'm writing. I've finnished the first episode. Here are the first few scenes. As this is all that will probably ever get read by somone (BBC writers room only read first 10 pages) I thought I'd try it out on you lot.

Let me know what you think:

History Repeating

A non-audience radio sitcom.

Description:
The year is 2110. In a post apocalyptic world where survival seems to be all that matters one man is determined our cultural heritage will not be forgotten.

Characters:
Gordon (Museum owner - in his late forties)
Professor Hugo Stevenson-Smyth (A history professor - in his seventies)
Monkhouse (Museum assistant - seventeen)
General Greer (A camp military dictator)
Insurgent (A crazed gunman)
Man
Woman

SCENE ONE

GORDON: Ready?

PROFESSOR: Indeed I am sir.

GORDON: Get on with it then.

PROFESSOR: Good evening. My name is Professor

Hugo Stevenson-Smyth. I'm an

historian, botanist and world champion

in equestrian knitting. I'd like to

joyously extend filicitations to you

and bid you welcome to Earth World.

The Third World War badly damaged this

planet. Our mission here is to try and

preserve as much of our endagered

heritage as possible. We have

collected many important artefacts and

...

GORDON: (IMPATIENT) Get to the important

bit...

PROFESSOR: (CLEARLY READING) It's a fun day out

for all the family. If you're feeling a bit

depressed by the nuclear winter

you'll be pleased to hear that a cup

of tea or coffee and a small piece of

battenberg is included in the price of

the entrance ticket.

GORDON: Turn over the page...

PROFESSOR: Please only take either tea or coffee,

not both, and only one piece of

batternberg. We do withhold the right

to expel anyone who behaves greedily.

GORDON: Good. Monkhouse?

F/X: DOOR OPENING

MONKHOUSE: Yes sir.

GORDON: Put this on the website.

MONKHOUSE: Yes sir.

SCENE TWO

F/X: AVIARY SOUND EFFECTS

GORDON: What is all that mess? Clean it up

Monkhouse. I'm going to look at what

we've got in stock here. There must be

some way of sqeezing some more cash

out of this dump.

F/X: SWEEPING

MONKHOUSE: How does she produce so much?

F/X: SWEEPING STOPS

PROFESSOR: Well, you see, poor Dorothy the

penguin has a delicate bowl system

whose enzymes need to be kept in

equilibrium. The onset of nuclear

radiation has...

GORDON: Stop waffling on. I'm trying to

concentrate.

MONKHOUSE: She's got it all up the walls.

PROFESSOR: Well, you see, you've really got to

admire the geometric patterns. It's

like a cry for help - a poem of

survival squeezed from her tiny

cheeks. Each line is a stanza of...

GORDON: Professor shut up. Don't you have a

tour to write for me? Go and find some

pots to look at.

F/X: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING

MONKHOUSE: I think the professor was only trying

to take the time to...

GORDON: Well I wish he wouldn't take the time.

The amount he takes can only be

measured on a geological table. Now

sweep. What do you think I keep you

for?

MONKHOUSE: Well, you employed me after reading me

CV.

GORDON: Yes I remember it. A total pile of

excrement. Good preparation for this

moment.

F/X: SWEEPING V/O

MONKHOUSE: Do you think she's unhappy here sir?

GORDON: Of course she is. That's what life's

all about.

MONKHOUSE: The professor says she's designed to

exist in a complex arctic ecosystem...

GORDON: She's fine. She's got a bit of white

polystyrene.

MONKHOUSE: Not white anymore, sir.

GORDON: Now... Let's have a look at these

records... Let's see... What have we

got in stock... General Greer is

clearly never going to fund us

properly. So we'll have to do it the

old fashioned way. Charging people

lots of money to look at something

exciting.

MONKHOUSE: I've been reading on the internet

about General Greer. He says money for

his government is short.

GORDON: Monkhouse, his museum funding comes on

his government priority list just

below the cabinet meeting biscuit

allowance.

MONKHOUSE: You've got to admit he needs to

prioritise sir. There are awful

shortages.

GORDON: The main shortage General Greer seems

to suffer from is brain cells.

MONKHOUSE: Let's hope he can't hear us. The

rumour is he's now running death camps

up near Norwich.

GORDON: Some would say that Norwich hasn't

changed much over the years.

MONKHOUSE: The word is he's throwing anyone that

disagrees with his regime in there.

GORDON: All military dictators seem to be

overly sensitive to criticism. You'd

think a life in the army would toughen

them up a bit. By the time they get to

dictator level they should be happy

not to get shot at.

MONKHOUSE: Well I do think he's right to say that

tough times call for tough leadership,

sir. If he wasn't in charge we

probably still wouldn't have any

electricity.

GORDON: Well, we will never know what life

would have been like under any of his

political opponents since his first

act on restoring power was to wire it

to the chairs they were sat on.

MONKHOUSE: Sometimes I think I should join the

General and fight for the Republic

against the insurgents.

GORDON: I'm sure he's got enough incompetent

fools to die for him. If it's the

excitement of being attacked you're

after I can supply that.

F/X: SLAP

MONKHOUSE: Ouch.

GORDON: What we need to do, Monkhouse, is put

on a great exhibition. It's time to put this museum on the map.

MONKHOUSE: I had an idea for a new exhibition

once.

GORDON: (WITH SCORN) What you? You're hardly

qualified to broaden the minds of the

public. Unless it's to show them

previously unimagined levels of

stupidity.

MONKHOUSE: I've made a sign for it.

GORDON: What does that say? 'The World of Lady

Gaga?'

MONKHOUSE: She was an important detail of ancient

life in the year 2010.

GORDON: Hardly. She was hardly a lady either.

The clue is in the name Monkhouse. If

someone has to have Lady in front of

their name it demonstrates an

insecurity about being one. It's like

Boy George. He had to stick the boy

bit on so we knew.

MONKHOUSE: It's something the popular masses will

love.

GORDON: The answer is no Monkhouse. It's not

proper history. I think we can do

better than that. How about 'The

Treasures of Ancient Egypt?'

MONKHOUSE: Do we have any treasures from ancient

Egypt?

GORDON: No, but according to our records we do

have a big pile of wood and some gold

paint. Get on the internet and put up

a big advert. It's time to get the

punters into this museum and their

cash into my wallet.

F/X: DOOR BELL BING BONG

GORDON: Speaking of which. That'll be today's

tour. Time to work my magic.

Monkhouse, get my cape.

SCENE THREE

F/X: MURMURING AND CHATTERING OF

PEOPLE

GORDON: Welcome to Earth World. An exhibition

of the history of our planet. Let me

transport you back to what life was

like before World War Three.

F/X: MURMURING AND CHATTERING OF

PEOPLE

GORDON: Now this first exhibition shows how

hell was portrayed through the ages.

These images of hell are from Dante's

Inferno produced in the fourteenth

century.

F/X: MURMURING.

GORDON: The pictures depict souls being

hideously tortured for eternity. Later

in the twenty first century television

viewers could experience something

similar by watching Noel Edmonds. This

is a picture of him here.

F/X: GASPS

GORDON: The very embodiment of evil. Some say

he was responsible for the eventual

apocalypse that engulfed this planet.

GORDON: (PAUSE) But it's not all doom and

gloom at Earth World. Follow me into

the next room which is just full of

pictures of kittens.

F/X: MURMURING. FADES.

SCENE FOUR

F/X: MURMURING.

GORDON: And this is a picture of what became

known as Stone Henge. It was believed

to have been built in the stone age

and bemused archaeologists for

centuries as to it's purpose until, in

2083, it was discovered to have been

built in late medieval times and was

merely a badly designed rockery.

F/X: MURMURING. FADES.

SCENE FIVE

F/X: MURMURING

GORDON: And now ladies and gentlemen in the

next room is the zoo. My assistant

Monkhouse will pull back the curtain

to reveal the Lost Animals of Earth.

F/X: CURTAIN PULLED BACK

GORDON: (pause)

MAN: I can't see anything.

WOMAN: It looks like an empty cage.

GORDON: Well madam I can assure you they are

all in there.

MAN: What every animal that used to live on

this planet?

GORDON: Yep. Well - all the important ones.

Rock Badger, Pelican, Colorado Potato

Beetle, Whale. Shy creatures though. Probably hiding under that fern.

F/X: MURMURING

GORDON: Moving on. In the next room we have

The Wonders of Ancient Assyria.

F/X: BREAK MUSIC

And so on.....

What do you think?
Huh?

I didn't think it was too bad. Interesting premise, clearly drawn characters and some nice lines. I'd change the Death Camp to something else, though. Radio 4 might frown on that. And I prefered Scene 2 and thought that was funnier than the opening scene.

I see what you're saying.

The first scene is an attempt at explaining the premise up front so people understand where they are. I could probably do that better by swapping some of my other scenes around a bit and drip feeding it in rather than info dumping at the top.

Thanks for your help chip.
:)

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