Hi,
Here is a radio sitcom I'm writing. I've finnished the first episode. Here are the first few scenes. As this is all that will probably ever get read by somone (BBC writers room only read first 10 pages) I thought I'd try it out on you lot.
Let me know what you think:
History Repeating
A non-audience radio sitcom.
Description:
The year is 2110. In a post apocalyptic world where survival seems to be all that matters one man is determined our cultural heritage will not be forgotten.
Characters:
Gordon (Museum owner - in his late forties)
Professor Hugo Stevenson-Smyth (A history professor - in his seventies)
Monkhouse (Museum assistant - seventeen)
General Greer (A camp military dictator)
Insurgent (A crazed gunman)
Man
Woman
SCENE ONE
GORDON: Ready?
PROFESSOR: Indeed I am sir.
GORDON: Get on with it then.
PROFESSOR: Good evening. My name is Professor
Hugo Stevenson-Smyth. I'm an
historian, botanist and world champion
in equestrian knitting. I'd like to
joyously extend filicitations to you
and bid you welcome to Earth World.
The Third World War badly damaged this
planet. Our mission here is to try and
preserve as much of our endagered
heritage as possible. We have
collected many important artefacts and
...
GORDON: (IMPATIENT) Get to the important
bit...
PROFESSOR: (CLEARLY READING) It's a fun day out
for all the family. If you're feeling a bit
depressed by the nuclear winter
you'll be pleased to hear that a cup
of tea or coffee and a small piece of
battenberg is included in the price of
the entrance ticket.
GORDON: Turn over the page...
PROFESSOR: Please only take either tea or coffee,
not both, and only one piece of
batternberg. We do withhold the right
to expel anyone who behaves greedily.
GORDON: Good. Monkhouse?
F/X: DOOR OPENING
MONKHOUSE: Yes sir.
GORDON: Put this on the website.
MONKHOUSE: Yes sir.
SCENE TWO
F/X: AVIARY SOUND EFFECTS
GORDON: What is all that mess? Clean it up
Monkhouse. I'm going to look at what
we've got in stock here. There must be
some way of sqeezing some more cash
out of this dump.
F/X: SWEEPING
MONKHOUSE: How does she produce so much?
F/X: SWEEPING STOPS
PROFESSOR: Well, you see, poor Dorothy the
penguin has a delicate bowl system
whose enzymes need to be kept in
equilibrium. The onset of nuclear
radiation has...
GORDON: Stop waffling on. I'm trying to
concentrate.
MONKHOUSE: She's got it all up the walls.
PROFESSOR: Well, you see, you've really got to
admire the geometric patterns. It's
like a cry for help - a poem of
survival squeezed from her tiny
cheeks. Each line is a stanza of...
GORDON: Professor shut up. Don't you have a
tour to write for me? Go and find some
pots to look at.
F/X: DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING
MONKHOUSE: I think the professor was only trying
to take the time to...
GORDON: Well I wish he wouldn't take the time.
The amount he takes can only be
measured on a geological table. Now
sweep. What do you think I keep you
for?
MONKHOUSE: Well, you employed me after reading me
CV.
GORDON: Yes I remember it. A total pile of
excrement. Good preparation for this
moment.
F/X: SWEEPING V/O
MONKHOUSE: Do you think she's unhappy here sir?
GORDON: Of course she is. That's what life's
all about.
MONKHOUSE: The professor says she's designed to
exist in a complex arctic ecosystem...
GORDON: She's fine. She's got a bit of white
polystyrene.
MONKHOUSE: Not white anymore, sir.
GORDON: Now... Let's have a look at these
records... Let's see... What have we
got in stock... General Greer is
clearly never going to fund us
properly. So we'll have to do it the
old fashioned way. Charging people
lots of money to look at something
exciting.
MONKHOUSE: I've been reading on the internet
about General Greer. He says money for
his government is short.
GORDON: Monkhouse, his museum funding comes on
his government priority list just
below the cabinet meeting biscuit
allowance.
MONKHOUSE: You've got to admit he needs to
prioritise sir. There are awful
shortages.
GORDON: The main shortage General Greer seems
to suffer from is brain cells.
MONKHOUSE: Let's hope he can't hear us. The
rumour is he's now running death camps
up near Norwich.
GORDON: Some would say that Norwich hasn't
changed much over the years.
MONKHOUSE: The word is he's throwing anyone that
disagrees with his regime in there.
GORDON: All military dictators seem to be
overly sensitive to criticism. You'd
think a life in the army would toughen
them up a bit. By the time they get to
dictator level they should be happy
not to get shot at.
MONKHOUSE: Well I do think he's right to say that
tough times call for tough leadership,
sir. If he wasn't in charge we
probably still wouldn't have any
electricity.
GORDON: Well, we will never know what life
would have been like under any of his
political opponents since his first
act on restoring power was to wire it
to the chairs they were sat on.
MONKHOUSE: Sometimes I think I should join the
General and fight for the Republic
against the insurgents.
GORDON: I'm sure he's got enough incompetent
fools to die for him. If it's the
excitement of being attacked you're
after I can supply that.
F/X: SLAP
MONKHOUSE: Ouch.
GORDON: What we need to do, Monkhouse, is put
on a great exhibition. It's time to put this museum on the map.
MONKHOUSE: I had an idea for a new exhibition
once.
GORDON: (WITH SCORN) What you? You're hardly
qualified to broaden the minds of the
public. Unless it's to show them
previously unimagined levels of
stupidity.
MONKHOUSE: I've made a sign for it.
GORDON: What does that say? 'The World of Lady
Gaga?'
MONKHOUSE: She was an important detail of ancient
life in the year 2010.
GORDON: Hardly. She was hardly a lady either.
The clue is in the name Monkhouse. If
someone has to have Lady in front of
their name it demonstrates an
insecurity about being one. It's like
Boy George. He had to stick the boy
bit on so we knew.
MONKHOUSE: It's something the popular masses will
love.
GORDON: The answer is no Monkhouse. It's not
proper history. I think we can do
better than that. How about 'The
Treasures of Ancient Egypt?'
MONKHOUSE: Do we have any treasures from ancient
Egypt?
GORDON: No, but according to our records we do
have a big pile of wood and some gold
paint. Get on the internet and put up
a big advert. It's time to get the
punters into this museum and their
cash into my wallet.
F/X: DOOR BELL BING BONG
GORDON: Speaking of which. That'll be today's
tour. Time to work my magic.
Monkhouse, get my cape.
SCENE THREE
F/X: MURMURING AND CHATTERING OF
PEOPLE
GORDON: Welcome to Earth World. An exhibition
of the history of our planet. Let me
transport you back to what life was
like before World War Three.
F/X: MURMURING AND CHATTERING OF
PEOPLE
GORDON: Now this first exhibition shows how
hell was portrayed through the ages.
These images of hell are from Dante's
Inferno produced in the fourteenth
century.
F/X: MURMURING.
GORDON: The pictures depict souls being
hideously tortured for eternity. Later
in the twenty first century television
viewers could experience something
similar by watching Noel Edmonds. This
is a picture of him here.
F/X: GASPS
GORDON: The very embodiment of evil. Some say
he was responsible for the eventual
apocalypse that engulfed this planet.
GORDON: (PAUSE) But it's not all doom and
gloom at Earth World. Follow me into
the next room which is just full of
pictures of kittens.
F/X: MURMURING. FADES.
SCENE FOUR
F/X: MURMURING.
GORDON: And this is a picture of what became
known as Stone Henge. It was believed
to have been built in the stone age
and bemused archaeologists for
centuries as to it's purpose until, in
2083, it was discovered to have been
built in late medieval times and was
merely a badly designed rockery.
F/X: MURMURING. FADES.
SCENE FIVE
F/X: MURMURING
GORDON: And now ladies and gentlemen in the
next room is the zoo. My assistant
Monkhouse will pull back the curtain
to reveal the Lost Animals of Earth.
F/X: CURTAIN PULLED BACK
GORDON: (pause)
MAN: I can't see anything.
WOMAN: It looks like an empty cage.
GORDON: Well madam I can assure you they are
all in there.
MAN: What every animal that used to live on
this planet?
GORDON: Yep. Well - all the important ones.
Rock Badger, Pelican, Colorado Potato
Beetle, Whale. Shy creatures though. Probably hiding under that fern.
F/X: MURMURING
GORDON: Moving on. In the next room we have
The Wonders of Ancient Assyria.
F/X: BREAK MUSIC
And so on.....
What do you think? 
