This is the longest sketch I've ever written, it has two scenes. I'm sorry it's the old customer/shop assistant type formula but I really would appreciate anybody's comments as to which bits work, which bits don't and the tying together of the two scenes (does it work?). Please feel free to be as abrupt or in depth as you like and don't pull the punches!!! I shan't complain about anybodys rudeness (if anybody were to be rude.. 
) as this is my thread and I can take it!!! Frankie (no, it's me Hattie xxx)
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INT. GUN SHOP. DAY. A CUSTOMER READS LABORIOUSLY FROM A PIECE OF PAPER.
CUSTOMER:
I’d…like to…buy…
CUSTOMER LOOKS UP FROM THE PAPER AND SMILES BROADLY
...an attempted suicide!
ASSISTANT:
Attempted suicide? You can’t buy an attempted suicide, sir...
CUSTOMER:
Well I don’t want a fully paid up one, not straight off...
ASSISTANT:
You can’t buy any kind of suicide, sir
CUSTOMER LOOKS AT THE PIECE OF PAPER ON BOTH SIDES AND LOOKS UP AGAIN.
CUSTOMER:
Well, that’s me stumped then!
CUSTOMER STARES AROUND AIMLESSLY AND TAPS HIS FINGERS ON THE COUNTER. ASSISTANT STARES INTENTLY AT THE CUSTOMER.
ASSISTANT: (TENTATIVELY)
I can sell you a gun, sir…
CUSTOMER: (STRAINING FOR SOMETHING)
Pills? …aren’t they something to do with suicides?
ASSISTANT:
Pills? …that maybe so sir, yes …but it’s guns I’m mindful of here sir. At “Haughty’s” we pride ourselves upon our guns… (PROUDLY) The best a gentleman can buy!
CUSTOMER: (SHAKING HIS HEAD SPEAKS TO HIMSELF)
I can’t take a load of pills, I have to break them in half as it is…
THE ASSISTANT IGNORES THE CUSTOMER AND PRODUCES A HUGE 12 BORE SHOTGUN FROM UNDER THE COUNTER
CUSTOMER: (HORRIFIED)
Good Lord no, I was thinking more of a table knife if it came to it.. plastic maybe.. I don’t want anything too sharp or pointy!
THE ASSISTANT STANDS THE GUN ON ITS END ON THE COUNTER TO DISPLAY IT. THE CUSTOMER STARES AT THE GUN IN FASCINATION
ASSISTANT: (CRAFTILY)
I wasn’t going to sell you any rounds sir, that way you couldn’t do any real damage…
(JOKILY)
…as long as you don’t let it fall on you head of course…
CUSTOMER:
Could it?
ASSISTANT:
Could it what, sir?
CUSTOMER:
Fall on my head…
ASSISTANT:
Unlikely in the extreme, sir
CUSTOMER:
Mmm. I’m liking it’s big shininess.. How much did you say?
ASSISTANT:
Two thousand guineas, Sir ..per barrel
CUSTOMER:
That’s either quite reasonable or far too pricey… don’t you have any plastic table knives?
ASSISTANT: (LOSING PATIENCE)
What kind of twat do you think I am, sir?
CUSTOMER:
I couldn’t answer that for sure… Are you being offensive?
ASSISTANT:
Are you Sir? I didn’t think so myself…
CUSTOMER:
I’m sorry
ASSISTANT:
No harm done sir ..shall I wrap it?
CUSTOMER:
Funnily enough, I don’t have that kind of money on me, can you put it on my account?
ASSISTANT:
Do you have an account at Haughty’s Mr er…
CUSTOMER:
No
ASSISTANT:
Mr No?
CUSTOMER:
No
ASSISTANT: (LOOKS IN HIS ACCOUNTS BOOK)
We have no accounts under the name of Mr No, sir.
CUSTOMER:
Have you tried looking for my name?
ASSISTANT: (PULLS A FACE)
And what is your name, sir
CUSTOMER:
Glen Onnabanjo
ASSISTANT:
I’m sorry…
CUSTOMER:
I said, Glen Onnabanjo
ASSISTANT:
..I meant I’m sorry about your name
CUSTOMER:
Glen? ...well can I pay you a deposit instead - I’ll have to see my Bank Manager about the rest.
ASSISTANT:
I’d need £500 as a deposit sir.
CUSTOMER:
I’ve got a twenty, a fiver and 45p
ASSISTANT:
Done!
THEY SMILE AT EACH OTHER.
CUT TO. INT. BANK MANAGERS OFFICE. DAY. THERE IS A SIGN ON THE WALL: “IS YOUR BANK DRIVING YOU TO SUICIDE?” SAME CUSTOMER AS PREVIOUS SCENE.
CUSTOMER:
I came in for a loan but it’s quite a coincidence this new service you offering, "Driving People To Suicide", how does it work exactly?
BANK MANAGER:
Well, we can simply provide a chauffeur driven limousine, where we pick you up and deliver you to a suitable location for a suicide bid. Or we can do more.
CUSTOMER:
I see the benefit to me but what's in it for the bank?
BANK MANAGER: (SMILING)
Our research shows that there is a growing trend in people being driven to suicide by banks, and as (PROUDLY) ‘The Leading High Street Bank’ we are committed to providing a full portfolio of services for our customers. (CHEST OUT) You don't need to switch banks to be driven to suicide, we are more than capable to do this for you!
CUSTOMER:
I'd like to hear more.
BANK MANAGER: (IN HIS STRIDE NOW)
We can assist further by providing heavy weights to help in bids from bridges into rivers or rubber hoses for car exhaust bids… but there is a premium if you want to use our car... may I enquire, are you a car owner yourself?
CUSTOMER:
Yes, I am as a matter of fact.
BANK MANAGER:
Well, that would mean quite a saving for you if an exhaust bid were your forte.
CUSTOMER:
Mmm, I came in to borrow money for an attempted suicide but you’re making me feel more confident…
BANK MANAGER:
Then this may well be the plan for you. Let me show you the paperwork..
CUSTOMER:
I'd like to think it over for awhile…
BANK MANAGER:
Many of our customers feel the same way until they actually see this...
BANK MANAGER POINTS A HANDGUN AT THE CUSTOMER AND HANDS OVER AN APPLICATION FORM.
CUSTOMER: (EYES THE GUN IN A DISINTERESTED WAY)
I’m looking at something far bigger than that…
BANK MANAGER LOOKS UNEASY. CUSTOMER STARTS READING.
CUSTOMER:
What’s this, if I sign this you’d have a charge on all my assets and they’d immediately revert to you on my death… (LOOKS UP) Are you mad? I’m not signing this… what would I live on?
CUSTOMER GETS UP AND PLACES BOTH HIS HANDS ON THE BANK MANAGERS DESK AND LOOKS HIM IN THE EYE.
…and I’m not buying that gun either…
BANK MANAGER: (NERVOUS)
Now sir lets not be hasty…
CUT TO BANK MANAGER PRESSING A BUTTON.
CUSTOMER:
Will you lend me the money or not?
BANK MANAGER:
Well my mother always said ‘Never a Lender or Borrower be’...
TWO SECURITY GUARDS APPEAR AND ESCORT THE CUSTOMER OUT.
That's it!
so the fact that I still liked it must mean it's good hehe
it sort of it makes it all worthwhile if somebody likes it. I am a big Python fan and saw their TV series first time around and of course in those days you couldn't help but be influenced by them, they were so huge! 