EXT. COBBLED STREET - EVENING
'OSCAR WILDE' WALKS ALONG CHEERFULLY, SPINNING HIS WALKING STICK. SUDDENLY A COMMOTION CAN BE HEARD THROUGH THE CANDLELIT WINDOW OF A SMALL TUDOR HOUSE. 'OSCAR', INTRIGUED, PEERS IN.
CUT TO:
INT. KITCHEN - EVENING
WE SEE OSCAR PEERING IN, UNBEKNOWNST TO YEDDA AND CLYDE (TWO DRUNKEN PEASANTS). YEDDA, LIMP-ARMED, TRIES TO THROW A MUG AT CLYDE.
YEDDA
You f**king great, bloody... that money was meant to pay for our food.
CLYDE
Oh, I'll get money. Just stop shouting at me you bloody, great bitch.
YEDDA
Bitch?! You went and gambled all our money away!
CLYDE
I tell you, Yedda, I was so close, I just needed five different cards for a full house and I'd've won.
YEDDA
I told you not to go there again, you old shit!
CLYDE
Yedda, you should know by now, I can resist anything but... (HICCUPS) temptation.
YEDDA
I'm not young enough to know everything...(VOMITS IN TO TUREEN)...but you're a f**king lush!
CUT TO:
THE WINDOW, 'OSCAR'S' INTEREST IS PIQUED.
CLYDE
Me, a lush? (HE FALLS AROUND LAUGHING; SMASHING POTS WITH HIS ARMS)
YEDDA
What are you doing you bloody idiot?!
CLYDE
You...you, you see you, the difference between you and me, right, is we're both in the gutter but one of us is looking at the stars.
CUT TO:
'OSCAR' IS EAGERLY WRITING ON PARCHMENT WITH HIS QUILL WHILST LOOKING UP INTERMITTENTLY.
FADE OUT
FADE UP:
INT. DINING HALL - EVENING
A NUMBER OF WELL-HEELED MEN AND WOMEN SIT AROUND A TABLE WITH FOOD AND DRINK. 'OSCAR' SITS AT THE HELM SWILLING HIS GLASS.
TARQUIN
So Oscar, managing to keep the wolves from the door?
'OSCAR'
(BRIEFLY LOOKS AT HIS HAND) If you were one, you'd realise genius is born, Tarquin; It isn't paid.
EVERYONE TITTERS APPRECIATIVELY.
ELIZABETH
Oh, Oscar, you are a wag.
'OSCAR' LOOKS PLEASED WITH HIMSELF, TARQUIN SNEERS JEALOUSLY. ENTER CLYDE CARRYING A TRAY OF PRECARIOUSLY PLACED CHEESES. HE WALKS OVER TO THE TABLE AND DROPS A LUMP OF STILTON IN ELIZABETH'S LAP.
CLYDE
Oh shit, sorry, I mean...look, let me...
HE GOES TO TAKE THE CHEESE FROM HER LAP; SHE SMACKS HIS HAND AWAY.
CLYDE (cont'd)
Please forgive me, miss; It's only my first day.
SHE THROWS THE CHEESE IN HIS FACE.
ELIZABETH
Get back to the gutter, where you belong!
'OSCAR'
(QUICKLY CHECKS HAND) We are all in the gutter, dear, but some of us are looking at the stars.
ELIZABETH
(LAUGHING) Bravo, Oscar, another great line!
CLYDE
'ang on, what did you say?
'OSCAR'
What do you mean?
CLYDE
What you just said; I'm sure I said it the other day; how'd it go?
EVERYONE LOOKS TO 'OSCAR'.
'OSCAR'
Uhm...We're all born...in the gutter, (HE LOOKS AT HIS HAND) but some of us are looking...
CLYDE
You've got it written on your hand! I knew it! You've nicked my words. What else you got written on there?
CLYDE GOES TO GRAB HIS HAND; WE SEE 'OSCAR'S HAND COVERED IN WRITING.
TARQUIN
He's right! Oscar, really, passing off the words of a peasant as your own.
'OSCAR'
No, come now, this is ridiculous. You're not going to believe a cheese-dropping peasant over me?
CLYDE
I want 'im arrested! He's nicked my words!
TARQUIN
(TO MEAN LOOKING MAN TO HIS SIDE) You heard the man.
'OSCAR'
(LAUGHS) You're not actually going to arrest me for this, surely?
TARQUIN
It's as clear as the writing on your hand, old boy, you plagiarised; a crime punishable by imprisonment.
MEAN LOOKING MAN BEGINS HANDCUFFING 'OSCAR'.
TARQUIN
What have you got to say now you can't see your hands, Oscar?
OSCAR
Nothing, I'm clearly f**ked!
'OSCAR' IS LED AWAY.
TARQUIN
Oh! And Oscar, remember, when you're in the showers don't drop the so...oh no, as you were.
EVERYONE LAUGHS.
END OF SKETCH
