Opening scene...

Maxine runs a Travel Agent brokers from home.

Scene opens with Maxine involved in a TELEPHONE CONVERSATION in her work office/spare bedroom.

Maxine:

No, no, it’s alright Mrs Worthington I have it here, hang on [shuffles papers on desk], yep here it is ‘Japan’ [holds travel brochure marked ‘Germany’]

It has a lovely… [Flicks through pages] …er, war museum.

[Pause as Mrs Worthington speaks, unheard]

I know you did Mrs Worthington, and lived to tell the tale, to everyone you meet. That probably wasn’t the best idea.
Personally I think Japan's best tourist attraction is… [ Flicks to a page showing two Germans in cycling shorts eating ice creams. Sounding desperate ] …the people.

Yes, uh hu, You'd like to meet who sorry? Chairman Mao? I think you’ll find he 's dead Mrs worthington, plus I think he was actually Chinese.

[Chuckles], I’m sure they say the same about us Mrs Worthington. [Changing subject quickly] Will Mr Worthington be going with you?

He’s not with you anymore, right. I’m very sorry, did he go peacefully?

[Listening] uh hu, yeah, really, out onto the street! Well good for you, he got what he deserved. That’s why a lot of them employ secretaries nowadays. It's not on, is it.

[Looks at wedding photo with oversized magazine cut out of Jose Mourinho's face blu tacked crudely over her ex-husband’s face]

Men can be such cheating ba- ...backstabbers.

I suppose it means more space around the house for you though hey [puts feet up on desk]. Anyway, how long were you thinking of going for Mrs Worthington?

OK. It is a very long way to go for a day-trip you know; it’s almost an 18 hour flight each way.

[A chubby young girl appears at the doorway to the office, trying to get Sara’s attention]

Yes, on a plane, that’s right.

[Turns to the girl in the doorway and rolls her eyes. Continues phone conversation]

No, no buses. Only planes.

How much will it cost? [Scrambles around on desktop through piles of disorganised papers, knocking most to the floor, out of reach.]

I’m afraid the system’s just crashed Mrs Worthington, can I call you back in ten. I just need to negotiate the best price for you with my colleague.

[Looks at girl in doorway]

Well that’s the kind of top class personal service you get from Stones. Don’t go anywhere Mrs Worthington. Ok. Bye for now.

[Hangs up phone, and swivels round on chair]

What is it Jenny? I’m pretty rushed here.

Jenny:
What’s for dinner?

Maxine:
I’m going out tonight so you’ll have to make yourself some fish fingers. Put them in the oven with some micro-chips.

Jenny:
Fish fingers. That’s not very healthy.

Maxine:
They've got 3 omegas in them now, and cod liver oil or something. It's brain food, so eat the whole box.

Jenny:
[pretends to smile] Where are you off to then?

Maxine:
I’m actually going to a speed dating night with Angie.

Jenny:
[Mockingly] Speed dating? [laughs]. That’s where loads of ugly single people go to find other ugly single people, isn’t it?

Maxine:
We prefer to be called ‘horizontally challenged’ nowadays Jenny. Anyway, sod off, I’m working.

Jenny:
You were chatting to some old coffin dodger for half an hour with your feet on the desk. I can't wait 'til I work for you.

Maxine:
I can't wait 'til your old enough to start paying for your own fish fingers 'cause the way things are going we're gonna be stealing food from next door's bird table pretty soon.

Jenny:
Well I'm not getting a job, I'm going to be a singer.

Maxine:
Really. Who you gonna be? Michelle McManus.

[Jenny storms out, banging the door. A cork memo board falls off the wall. Maxine holds her head in her hands. Title music begins to play]

High, Candice. I presume this is the opening scene from your sitcom. If so then, very nice indeed as far as I'm concerned. The telephone convo was brill. Loved it.

A good start.

Thanks guys. What didn't you like though?

Nothing in particular. I just think if you re-read it you'll do some editing automatically.

Candice

You've got a fresh situation and intriguing characters. The mother-daughter relationship has potential. I'm assuming mother-daughter. It's OK to say and you need to give the ages as well.

If this is the first episode of the series then I'm going to need some more hand-holding on what's going on. I'm sure travel brokers can work from home but I've never heard of it and not sure how it all works.

I was told by a director once that one-sided phone conversations wasn't very theatrical. I saw his point but felt it depended on how it was done. For me if it's done very well and both sides of the conversation are clear and obvious, then fine. I'm not sure that's the case here. I think it needs to be shorter and sharper.

For instance:

He’s not with you anymore, right. I’m very sorry, did he go peacefully?

[Listening] uh hu, yeah, really, out onto the street! Well good for you, he got what he deserved. That’s why a lot of them employ secretaries nowadays. It's not on, is it.

I didn't understand that on first read and now that I do, I think it's too wordy. You have to focus on the essential thing you need for a laugh and be ruthless in your cutting.

"He’s not with you anymore, right. I’m very sorry, did he go peacefully?

You kicked him out?

Oh I see, I bet men only employ secretaries for the hanky panky"

That's clearer and so more likely to get a laugh but I'm sure you can think of funnier dialogue. But that scene isn't just about trying to be funny, you're also trying to reveal what your main character is like for an audience who hasn't seen her before and are wondering if she's someone they're willing to spend time with.

You've gone for subtly showing her husband cheated on her as well but I wonder if it was clearer as well it might work better:

"Snap. I kicked my man out for cheating on me too!"

I love the systems crash gag. She appears to be incompetent at her job and indicates she isn't earning enough money which is more believeable. But unless she changes her job a lot you might want to make her more organised chaos rather than disorganised chaos.

Jenny:
[Mockingly] Speed dating? [laughs]. That’s where loads of ugly single people go to find other ugly single people, isn’t it?

Maxine:
We prefer to be called ‘horizontally challenged’ nowadays Jenny. Anyway, sod off, I’m working.

Horizontally challenged means fat but Jenny didn't call her fat. Having said that Maxine goes on to take the piss out of Jenny for being fat.

Insult humour has its place but this made me uncomfortable. It's difficult to care about characters who do it with serious intent whereas the gentle teasing common in relationships makes sense.

At the end of the day it has to psychologically true.

Good luck with it.

Wow! thanks for a very comprehensive and insightful critique.

I take your point that the phone conversation can be a little difficult to decipher and needs more clarity. I was trying to avoid Maxine having to say those lines 'You kicked him out!' etc as they were too easy and cheapen the humour in my view. But agreed that they should be a little less equivocal.

Maybe i am overestimating the 'intelligence' of viewers with the ex-husband picture. I think people will get it.

The horizontally challenged lines will be scrapped as i didn't realise it meant fat - I played it as a sexually deprived meaning - obviously wrongly. So I appreciate you telling me that.

I know what you mean about insult humour. Maybe i will make her more of a lovable failure. I dont want to isolate people with this peculiar relationship so maybe i will make Maxine seem momentarily stressed and just lashing out, then apologising. That would maybe emphasise her better nature and also show her losing control of life, i.e work, daughter & love life.

Many thanks again Robin. You have restored my faith in humanity.

EDIT: I just read your website. Brilliant.