Three's a crowd - Pilot

Hi guys, I have been working on this sitcom for a few months very on and off I have had a few problems with the timing of this episode. this is my first reall attempt at a sitcom as normally I'm a sketch man myself.

I only have 15 minutes so far and the pilots almost finished already so clearly there's a lot of re-writes to do. I am hoping to have a twist by adding mini sketches as a branch of the characters own imagination.

Anyway the script is about 3 blokes who are fresh out of uni and a few of the lads are lucky enough to get good jobs and with another well off friend have decided on buying a house together and this pilot shows them "moving in"... Enjoy... and all comments welcome. As this is still on paper I haven't made the full transition from paper to the screen hence why I haven't given you loads to read.

SCENE EXT. OUTSIDE THE HOUSE. TIME 09.00AM.

PAUL AND OLIVER ARE TALKING OUTSIDE AND SIMON IS PASSING THROUGH BETWEEN THE HOUSE AND THE VAN OUTSIDE THE HOUSE.

SIMON KEEP’S GIVING BOTH PAUL AND OLIVER ICY STARES AS HE PASSES WITH A LARGE BOX IN HIS HANDS.

PAUL – (LOOKING CONFUSED) What’s up with him?

OLIVER – ohhh I don’t know maybe it’s the fact that his religion has made yet another bullshit prediction, maybe it’s because the mortgage on this house will constrict his spending till the end of time or and this is my best guess, he’s been taking boxes into the house for the past hour while we’ve stood here talking about whether Nuts or Zoo is the best lads mag.

PAUL – I’m going to for the religion thing, it’s bad enough been a Jehovah’s Witness which is generally seen as an annoyance. Never mind the crappy predictions about the end of the world.

OLIVER – Anything else you want to say about someone’s deep seeded beliefs?

PAUL – Neh I’m good.

SIMON HEARS WHAT PAUL HAS SAID AND CONFRONTS HIM.

SIMON – Oh good, please tell me when you wish to continue your rantings about my religious beliefs.

OLIVER – I told him that.

PAUL – Oliver called your religion bullshit!

SIMON – I didn’t hear that did I? You better drop this now we are moving in together.

PAUL – Yes sir

OLIVER – (CHANGING THE SUBJECT QUICKLY) Ok lets have a mug of tea.

ALL THE LADS WALK INTO THE KITCHEN FROM THE BACK DOOR.

OLIVER IS RUMMAGING THROUGH THE BOXES, HE CAN’T FIND THE MUGS.

PAUL – Either you can’t find the mugs or you’ve found them and then you’ve found a great new way to annoy me.

OLIVER – (SARCASTICALLY) Oh yeah Paul I know where they are I’m holding back to annoy you. They’re clearly in another box in the van.

PAUL – why don’t we just go to a coffee shop?

SIMON – Because there kinda expensive and we don’t have much money now we have a house.

PAUL – (BOASTING) Speak for yourself.

OLIVER – Yeah we all don’t have granny’s dosh to live off.

PAUL – (POORLY ACTING SAD) Hey I loved my gran and by the amount she left me she loved me too.

OLIVER – You were her only grandchild and you barely ever visited her!

PAUL – I did visit her I just couldn’t see her as much as I wanted because I had a job then you see.

OLIVER PUTS ON A LAUGH AND SIMON SNIGGERS.

OLIVER – You with a job! Was it by any chance waiting for your grandmother to die?

PAUL – (LOOKING ANNOYED) To far dude. To far

OLIVER – Oh come on, what do you think Charles does all day?

PAUL – (LOSING INTEREST) Can we have a mug of tea yet?

I quite liked that, I think the bit about the religion could of been expanded a bit rather then flat out calling it bullshit, have a few jokes in there. On the whole the pace was nice it plodded which is what you want for this sort of thing I think not a joke a second, a bit more real. A promising start well done

I like the idea of the guys clubbing together to buy the house and all the conflict that implies; and, of course, like in any good sitcom, they're trapped. Stuck with each other whether they like it or not. I think Oliver's first speech is too long and the way it's written it would be very difficult to play. You should read this stuff out loud to see if you would get it then edit it accordingly.

Not to be pedantic but do you mean 'been' or being? The phrase is 'deep-seated' not deep seeded and when someone has gone too far it's 'too.' I'm telling you this because when I started going to meetings for Week-Ending and The News Huddlines all those OXbridge grads who worked at the BBC used to snigger and piss themselves at my pathetic grammar and lack of vocabulary. I learned on the job.

My final point is your joke at the end. I think it should go like this:

OLIVER - You were he only granchild and you hardly ever visited her.
PAUL - I did. Not as often as I wanted - she was my grandmother but I had my job...
OLIVER: What job was that? Waiting for her to die?
PAUL - Too far, dude.
OLIVER - Oh, come on. What do you think Prince Charles does all day?

I changed that because - I assume you mean Prince Charles and he's not waiting for his grandmother to die, but his mother and I think the original line could be confusing.

Forgive my pedantry and good luck with it

Clunky dialogue and not enough laughs, I'm afraid. And you might want to think about a title change. Three's a Crowd reminds me of a cheesy 1980s US sitcom (you know the kind, where uptight businessman John Ritter is forced to move in with his slacker brothers - Steve Guttenburg and Scott Baio - for some reason. Needless to say, they don't get along and hilarity ensues.

Quote: Wheeler @ January 15, 2007, 10:30 AM

Clunky dialogue and not enough laughs, I'm afraid. And you might want to think about a title change. Three's a Crowd reminds me of a cheesy 1980s US sitcom (you know the kind, where uptight businessman John Ritter is forced to move in with his slacker brothers - Steve Guttenburg and Scott Baio - for some reason. Needless to say, they don't get along and hilarity ensues.

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hahahahahaha that made me laugh more than the script,

possible episode, their aunt comes and stays at the apartment but john is away on work and tells his brothers to take care of her, only to come back to find a whole host of comical situations the aunt has been put through by the two hapless brothers.

Thank's for the comments guys, really bring's things down to earth, dyingtolive your comment wasn't really needed, keep it to yourself there was nothing that helped me change my script.

Charlie on the grammar and spelling I agree and this will be changed. Just want to say this is basically my first draft so in the way of spelling and storyline they are still being developed and that'll all be changed in good time just have to iron out the bugs, so you will have to bare with me on that one.

wheeler, a very "in your face" comment I think in a few re-writes I can make this funnier. I mean I purposely made these characters so that they would clash a lot.

three's a crowd is kind of a temp name for it until I can think of something better, I'm terrible with names as you can see.