Radio sketch that I'm very unsure of.

In my head it seemed a harmless, funny sketch. On paper I'm unsure and think maybe its not wise to touch on the subject in a jokey way and , more importantly, just isn't anywhere near as funny as it was in my head.

Would I be right in throwing this one out?

LIVING ROOM. INT

BOB is a camp sounding man, who has a distinguishably excited tone. BOB 2 is much more straight talking.

Bob 2:

Ready then Bob?

Bob:

Yep. Wait a sec.

Bob stops and examines his pockets, crossing his hands over from top pockets to jeans; back pocket; front pocket.

BOB:

Key. Money. Mobile. Rape alarm. Wallet.

BOB 2:

What?!

Bob repeats his actions slowly, emphasising the items.

BOB:

Key.. Money.. Mobile.. Rape alarm.. Wallet.

BOB 2:

(shocked)

What was that last one?

Bob:

Wallet?

BOB 2:

Before that.

BOB:

Mobile.

BOB 2:

No. Between mobile and wallet.

BOB:

(confused)

I don't think there was one was there?

BOB 2:

There definitely was. Back pocket.

BOB:

Oh! Yes. I am a silly sausage.(tuts) Rape alarm.

BOB 2:

You carry a rape alarm?

BOB:

Yeah. Don't you?

BOB 2:

Of course not.

BOB:

Oh Bob you simply HAVE to get one. They're brilliant!

BOB 2:

I think they're meant for women.

BOB:

No, no, no, silly. Definitely for forgetful men like me. Best £50 I've spent since that Boy George concert.

BOB 2:

Forgetful?

Bob:

Oh yeah Bob, I'm always forgetting things me. I'd forget me 'ed if it weren't screwed on.

BOB 2:

But why do you need a -

BOB:

Take last Saturday nigh for example.

BOB 2:

Right...

Bob:

Me and the lads went clubbing, as usual, and you know how it is. We've had a few.

BOB 2:

Naturally.

BOB:

Naturally, yes. And there's some really nice looking girls about. So I get dancing with a few , get a few new numbers and have a great time.

BOB 2:

Where's the problem then?

BOB:

Ahh you see, after I left. I was a little worse for wear, I literally didn't know what was happening. I was in a very vulnerable state, you know, anybody could've had their wicked way with me.

BOB 2:

You should know your limits.

Bob:

And as I stumbled down this alley, thinking it was just me and this girl in front, who had the most amazing green shoes you'll ever see, and looked equally worse for wear.-

BOB 2:

Someone jumped out on you?

BOB:

No, no, no. I went straight home. Didn't even think about taking advantage.

There are some structural failings here, it is too long, to much tell-rather-than-show and the punch somehow does not quite work.

But you are right, there is a problem with having an ordinary guy saying that they need something to stop them raping a complete stranger when they are pissed.

If you could find a way of turning it round to a feminine perspective, and perhaps putting it into a date rape situation, the idea of a male rape alarm might work.

how do I "show" via radio, i'vd never written for radio before.

Show-not-tell is a maxim that works for all performance media. This sketch is written as an anecdote, rather than as something occurring in the here and now.

Listen to some - get on iPlayer. Some cracking stuff floating about.

Would I be right in throwing this one out?

Yes. At this rate, the only star in your future will be on a McDonald's name tag.

BOB is a camp sounding man, who has a distinguishably excited tone. BOB 2 is much more straight talking.

Maybe so, but on the written page the two characters seem interchangeable. Their vocabulary is too much alike.

Make them different in some way. Think of Laurel and Hardy.

That whole "what was that last thing? No between mobile and wallet..." bit is incredibly old hat and I agree with the others that you need to show not tell - i.e. make the sketch about something that is happening, not just two people talking about something that has already happened. Oh, and calling them both Bob is a bit pointless as you aren't getting any humour out of it.

I'm sure rape is fair game for comedy, if you write something funny and not just spiteful but you haven't quite hit it with this.

Perhaps if your character was just confused about what a rape alarm was for - thinking it was for him to set off to warn a woman he was just about to rape her?

Oh, and calling them both Bob is a bit pointless

Agreed. You need to do a bit of Bob ... slaying.