Sketch: Restaurant Critics

Alright guys. What do you think of this?

INT. KITCHEN. DAY.

A man in a kitchen. He's working a frying pan and a hot hob. He intermittently switches his attention from the pan to looking directly into the camera at us.

CHEF
So that's in there now. Lubbly-jubbly! (stirring) You wanna fry that water up for a good five to six minutes at a high temperature. Really thicken it up.

He stirs the contents of the pan.

CHEF
A real classic, this dish. But remember: fold the water, don't stir it about like a nutter.

He retrieves a small egg cup.

CHEF
Toss in a bit of aqua (he tosses the liquid contents of the egg cup into the frying pan). Bosh! Really spice that water up.

He tastes some of the pan's contents with a spoon.

CHEF
Mmm-mm! Lovely! Some people like to use Buxton Spring, but I find ordinary Thames Valley tap water works just as well, especially if you're on a tight budget, eh Mums?

He tosses the contents of the pan a few times.

CHEF
Finishing touch -

He dips his fingers in a bowl and flicks them at the pan: some liquid flies off.

CHEF
H20. Really important, this: really brings out the subtle flavours of that water.

He takes in the aroma of his pan deeply.

CHEF
Hmm, pukka. But remember: don't overdo the H20, you could make the dish too heavy.

INT. RESTAURANT. DAY.

An eldery, obviously well-bred chap - MALE PATRON - and who we presume is his WIFE. They are sitting opposite each other with pursed lips.

CHEF arrives on the scene with a bowl.

CHEF (into camera)
Let's see what our diners make of it.

CHEF places the bowl on the table in front of MALE PATRON whose eyes widen in approval. MALE PATRON picks a fork up and proceeds to eat the water with it.

CHEF (CU)
So, what do you think?

SFX: BANG!

CHEF falls to the floor out of shot with a thud.

REVEAL: MALE PATRON is holding a smoking revolver.

WIFE
Why did you do that, darling? I thought it looked rather good.

MALE PATRON
Quite right: it's delicious. Very smooth.

WIFE
Then--?

MALE PATRON
(snort) The bread plate was on the right!

WIFE
(realising) Oh. What a bastard.

She withdraws a second revolver from her bag and shoots at CHEF (OOS) again.

END.

It's well written with some nice bit's but as a whole I don't think it quite works.
It goes from cookery show type thing to a restaurant quickie.
And I couldn't really engage with it.

Some good ideas though & funny lines.
I'd try to split it into two sketches.

Agree with what Steve says about it falling somewhere between a cookery sketch and a waiter gag. I didn't understand how the chef making the dish from water fitted into the scheme of things either.

As others have said this is two largely unrelated sketches, the first has promises but needs a less bolted on ending; there might be something to the second, but it needs working up.

I thought it was excellent up until the bread plate bit. I thought from that point it went off in a different direction that didnt have any correlation with the frying of the water(which had me giggling).

I think the punch needs to be related to the water in some way.

Hi Steve, David, Timbo, and Otterfox.

Thank you very much for your responses. I know I'm four months late(!), but I've been so busy that I haven't had time to post on this board at all; jobs, stress, life, etc-- you know how it is. But I just want you to know that I really appreciate your feedback.

On to specific criticisms...

The genre switching. I can see what you guys are saying, but my conception was that it was one of those shows where we see the food cooked and then people eat the food and critique it. But in any case, I don't see a problem "genre" switching, in itself, altho in this case you guys are actually spot on about the tacked-on-ness of the second scene. I didn't have a punchline, nor could I think a decent punhcline could be found, so I followed the Monty Python school of comedy and just ended with a random moment and a gun shot for good measure!

A mate of mine said the sketch was a plagiarism of the "Dirty Fork" sektch from Python. But this is not fair since only the second scene is Pythonesque and, apart from being set in a restaurant, has little to do with that sketch. But as I told my friend, "it's an homage, darling, not 'plagiarism'" ;~D

David, about your specific criticism that "I didn't understand how the chef making the dish from water fitted into the scheme of things either", I'll confess: there is no high concept behind this sketch. It's simply me being silly and running with it. Sorry

I'll think about changing the ending, but I might just do well to move on to the next sketch.

Many thanks, folks!!

B.

An obvious water-related punchline would be for the customer to ask for a small glass of water with his meal and the chef to get confused.
Maybe he doesn't like the meal and asks for water to wash away the taste.

Or you could cut out the restaurant entirely and at the end of the first scene have the chef say "And now the final step: make the rest of this delicious stir fry that I made earlier! EASY AS PIIIIE!"

There's a lot of really funny, silly stuff in the water preparation bit and it would be a shame to lose it

Definitely two sketches as everyone has pointed out. The waiter one seems very reminiscent, although I can't remember a precise match. Liked the cooking bit though, although it may lack a punch.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ May 15 2010, 12:00 AM BST

It's well written with some nice bit's but as a whole I don't think it quite works.
It goes from cookery show type thing to a restaurant quickie.
And I couldn't really engage with it.

Some good ideas though & funny lines.
I'd try to split it into two sketches.

View original

Spot on.

The first scene was interesting, I was ready for the punch. Do something with that. Stay in the kitchen with the chef, you may stumble onto something even more interesting.