'Ambition' comp entry. Page 2

I think these verses are ok...

The teachers laughed and fell about when I stood up to say,
I'd like to make a better world and be like them one day.

When at 22 wi' nout to do a rich man spoke to me
'with your ugly face and lack of nous tha'd make a good MP'

So I packed my bags, and headed South to old Westminster Hall,
I lounged about, did a lot of nout and got paid for bugger all.

They make sense and there is poetic rhythm.

The other verses either need have words taken out to make the number of syllables fit the line (e.g. 2nd verse has too many words in the second line... take out the "tha's too dim" and it'll ring better)

or they need tweaking to give a bit of logic (as Marc said).. e.g. the pilot one might be linked to a fear of flying. the vet one - an allergy or somthing.

It's ok but it needs a fair amount of work to make it a nice looking and ringing poem The very last line is good though... don't change that one.

at the risk of embarrassing myself further;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXLG5qr40Z8

Be kind and excuse the rustling in the background, the new kitten was attacking a plastic bag.

Quote: karlosthegreat1 @ May 13 2010, 2:17 AM BST

at the risk of embarrassing myself further;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXLG5qr40Z8

Be kind and excuse the rustling in the background, the new kitten was attacking a plastic bag.

View original

It actually comes across a lot better when you recite it.
It sounded pretty good & the accent was great.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ May 13 2010, 10:09 PM BST

It actually comes across a lot better when you recite it.
It sounded pretty good & the accent was great.

View original

Cheers Steve,

I've got five years in Leeds and 20 smokes a day to thank for the accent.

It's okay Karlos. The narrative still doesn't work for me because it is still as it was. The joke is that politicians are ugly lazy people with no brains and that is patently untrue so I am not sure what the target is. If you are going to do satire you have to be sharper I reckon. Which isn't a negative criticism the form is good work on the content.

Well I say this for you Marc, you're a tough audience. I understand that politicians aren't all lazy and stupid, most of them are ugly though, you have to give me that. But I'm playing to the public perception of the lazy, money grabbing MP that's all. If you can't accentuate peoples normal behaviour and make a bit of stuff up, where is comedy? I can't see how I could make this poem work if I changed the line to 'when at 22 with nout to do a rich man spoke to me, with your knowledge of books and splendid looks, tha'd make a good MP'. What's funny about that?

'Spitting Image' worked for years painting politicians as sleazy, brainless, grotesque, cheating, suspender wearing, crooked, greedy and more. We all know that Ronald Raegan didn't have a labotomy, Gorby didn't have a hammer and sickle on his head and Roy hattersly didn't soak the room when he spoke but I was still funny.

While I welcome critique and acknowledge your experience I just don't agree that the message is confused, I think it's fairly easy to follow. Whether it's funny or not is a matter for personal choice and I'll never question your opinion on that.

Cheers Karlos.

I'm not really a tough audience just trying to be helpful. Tough Love Karlos - remember I am not your girlfriend. If this is only for the BSG comp then fair enough and good luck with it.

Hi Marc,

It's really only for the comp on here, I don't know what else I could do with it to be honest or anything else I write. I've only been playing around with stuff for a few weeks so I don't know what the next step is or even if any of my stuff would be good enough to send to whereever it could be sent. The main reason for posting anything on here is because I've always been able to make people laugh in the pub etc but being funny and writing funy are two different things. It seems the more I write the more stuff I come up with. I spend most of my days now thinking of gags and sketches etc. I must say it's the first thing in a long time that I can concentrate on and enjoy. I'm a plasterer by trade.

By the way, I know you're not my girlfriend, maybe if you were a bit nicer to me you could be one day .

Karlos.

Quote: karlosthegreat1 @ May 16 2010, 12:29 PM BST

Hi Marc,

I've only been playing around with stuff for a few weeks so I don't know what the next step is.

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Taking criticism on board.