A wee radio play opening...

Hi there all

I'm toying about with a wee radio play - maybe sitcom and have laid it all out. My first bash at the dialogue - I've kept it short as I dinnae want to irritate.

All comments, even the borderline violent, are welcomed. I can take it.

Also, I've tried to make it clear, but know that the Castella flits inbetween typical Noir monlogue, and speech.

Thank ye kindly

CASTELLA (narrating)

The drizzle, mixing with eight years grime, oozed down my window pane as I looked across the sleeping city. A distorted vision reflected in the slick. I hadn't shaved in days and, if perspective was to be believed, my nose was bigger than my head. I put a shaking hand to my head as fresh shards of pain stabbed at the pink parts inside. Drink can do bad things to a man and ugly women far, far worse.

FXA knock at the door, followed by it swinging open.

The perfume hit me first, an explosion at the vivisectionists'. Invisible, fragranced fingers whirled me around by the nostrils to see a woman in my office. I rubbed my eyes. This one was real.

MARTINE

Hi.

CASTELLA (N)

I knocked back the last of my drink, only to find there was nothing left. Our eyes locked through the bottom of my empty glass.

CASTELLA

(mumbles )

MARTINE

I'm sorry?

CASTELLA (N)

I took the glass from my mouth and spoke again.

CASTELLA

I said 'Hi'.

MARTINE

People say you're a man who gets things done.

CASTELLA

People say oysters make pearls. Why are you here?

MARTINE

My husband.

CASTELLA

Not me, doll face; I'd remember.

MARTINE

He's having an affair.

CASTELLA (N)

She sat in the broken chair and reached for a tissue. I knocked the box away. It was my last one, and I'd been making do with my sleeve. A tear dropped from her thick eyelash to a thicker top lip, inexplicably broadened with blood-red lipstick.

CASTELLA

Is it the lips?

MARTINE

I'm sorry?

CASTELLA

What can I do about it?

MARTINE

I want you to follow him. You're a private eye, aren't you?

CASTELLA

Was, Big Lips, was. I don't do that anymore.

CASTELLA (N)

She reached into her purse and carefully laid down more green than you'd find on a mouldy Leprechaun's back garden.

MARTINE

Maybe you do? Here's our address. He leaves every night for work at Nine. Follow him. Dress...nice.

CASTELLA (N)

I watched as the words formed between her inflated lips. I hadn't done this sort of thing for years. Truth is, I liked drinking through the day and remembering when things were different. But it didn't come cheap.

"Sam Spadeyness" has been done to death. Your dialogue will need to
be a lot sharper and or funnier to make this work. BUT that's just my
mumbled opinion; maybe our comedy writing peers will opine differently.
Welcome aboard and welcome to the world of Critique.

"She reached into her purse and carefully laid down more green than you'd find on a mouldy Leprechaun's back garden"

Loved this a lot.

Quite liked it all really. This would work quite well on radio - you can get away with narration more than on TV. I like jokes that could only work on radio too like your gag about Castella talking with the glass still in his mouth.

I have to confess, I didn't understand the lips gag. I assumed he was making an unflattering remark about them, and that that was the husband's reason for straying? It wasn't 100 percent clear. Maybe a simile would work better in the narration.

Apart from that I liked it though. Post more if you've got it.

Fair enough.

Too done & too dull.

I can work on the dialogue, but if it's too done, I may well be up a creek. I'll see what the other kind folk think and then I'll shred the bastard.

Ah, but cheers M Paterson.

I'll tighten the lips thing if I do rework.

It's true that the Sam Spadery is a well-worn format, but that's because it's a formula that works. What you need to do to make yours stand out is to come up with a brilliant twist on the norm. That and sparkling dialogue.

I also enjoyed this.

I thought some of the dialogue/narration was terrific, some a little loose/unclear (as pointed out by Mr Paterson). Though I have to say I wasn't sure about the Leprechaun line myself: I would've gone with something a little simpler like, 'more green than you'd find in a Leprechaun's closet'.

I think it's an idea worth persevering with. As long it's well written I shouldn't think that the familiarity of the genre/format would work against you. I'd certainly want to read more anyway.

Where's it going?

Is it going to be a standard detective noir story, or are you going to bounce off in a fresh new direction? I kept hoping it would take a left turn into the unexpected, but it didn't.

Cheers all.

There's a few places it could go at the moment - 98% likely to be the bin.

I wouldn't go into the unexpected yet mind (though I may hint at it), but I'd want to establish genre first, especially on radio.

I've read about etiquette of not deleting posts, so I'll leave it on - but I doubt I'll do much with this, ta to all those who commented.