'Ambition' comp entry.

Hi all.

a poem, think very strong Yorkshire / Derbyshire accent. Who's that guy who did 'Talking heads'? Alan Bennet! That's him. Imagine him reading it. If anyone tells me it doesn't scan, I'll send you Anthrax in the post!! It does and I've recorded it but am far too shy to post that.

When I were young I told me mam 'I'd be a pilot in a plane',
she just laughed and said 'don't be daft, tha was born wi'out a brain.'

After that I changed me mind and it were a sailors life for me
but Gran said 'tha's too dim and tha' canny swim, so tha'd be nay use out at sea.'

At age thirteen dad laughed at me when an office job were me goal,
he said 'Son the only office tha'd ever see were when tha's signing on't bloody dole.'

Through my teenage years, I changed me mind from one thing to another,
'give it up tha silly twat, tha'll get nay job wi' a face like that!'

Was the advice from me older brother.

I told me sisters I'd be a vet and they all said the same,
'with thy stinky breath and tha' spotty face, tha'd scare the horses lame.'

The teachers laughed and fell about when I stood up to say,
I'd like to make a better world and be like them one day.

When at 22 wi' nout to do a rich man spoke to me
'with your ugly face and lack of nous tha'd make a good MP'

So I packed my bags, and headed South to old Westminster Hall,
I lounged about, did a lot of nout and got paid for bugger all.

It couldn't have been a sweeter life or so it would appear,
until I sold some land for cash in hand and became a bloody Peer!

So listen well you ugly kids and those wi'out a brain,
you can be like me with an OBE and ride the gravy train.

This would be good read by Duncan Preston.

who the Sam Hill is Duncan Preston?

What do you mean by scan Karlos as we seem to have differing ideas. There's an idea here but the insults need to have some sort of logic running along with the narrative in my humble unless it is just a nonsense poem in which case I I guess it doesn't

Hi Marc, I suppose by scan I mean rhyme. It's a 'progression' poem. I thought it was fairly self explainatory? He has an ambitions, but get's knocked back for being useless and ugly by everyone he knows. Then one day someone says the very traits for which he's knocked back would make him a good MP. I.e. if you're f'ing useless Westminster is the place to be.

Seemed pretty self explanatory to me (and you spelled 'nowt' wrong BTW).

Quote: karlosthegreat1 @ May 12 2010, 10:24 AM BST

who the Sam Hill is Duncan Preston?

View original

Thanks for 'nowt'. I spelled it wrong becuase I'm a Staffordshire Brummy writing for Derbyshire / Yorkshire voices while living in Australia.....sooo confused.

Quote: karlosthegreat1 @ May 12 2010, 10:41 AM BST

Hi Marc, I suppose by scan I mean rhyme. It's a 'progression' poem. I thought it was fairly self explainatory? He has an ambitions, but get's knocked back for being useless and ugly by everyone he knows. Then one day someone says the very traits for which he's knocked back would make him a good MP. I.e. if you're f'ing useless Westminster is the place to be.

View original

Yes the gist was clear but not the logic of why, for one example, being ugly makes him unsuitable to be a vet if you see what I mean. Scan doesn't mean rhyme it's to do with the beat of the verse really, the rhythm not the rhyme and also a consistency, in the main, of the syllabic contents of each line - doesn't have to be slavishly so but more or less. Here's a more wordy breakdown for you if you have some ibuprofen ready.

Hope this helps.

SCAN IN POETIC TERMS

Scan the poem. Scanning poetry is different from skimming it. To scan a poem means to identify the rhythm, which in English poetry comes from the alteration of stressed and unstressed syllables.
Begin by looking at the polysyllabic words--the words of more than one syllable. Say each word aloud and try to determine which syllable you stress. If you are unsure, look up the word in the dictionary, where you will see an accent mark either before or after the stressed syllable. In The American Heritage College Dictioanry, for example, the accent appears before the stressed syllable. If you are using another dictionary, look up "pronunciation" in the dictionary's guide to reading entries. In your text book, place an accent mark (/) over each stressed syllable and a horizontal line over the unstressed syllables (-).
Now look for all the one-syllable structure words--words that have little or no meaning, but rather serve to connect other words and show their relationships. Structure words include articles (a, an, the), conjunctions (and, or, but), prepositions (of, in, on, to, etc.), and auxiliaries (have, may, do, will, etc.). Mark these words as unstressed.
Mark one-syllable nouns and verbs as stressed.
Read the poem aloud, using your marks as a guide to which syllables to stress. Look for one of the following patterns: iambic (- /), trochaic (/ -), anapestic (- - /), and dactyllic (/ - -). Most English poetry that has a regular rhythm is iambic. If you don't see one of these patterns, try to change a few of the marks on the one-syllable words. If you see a pattern now, write the name of the rhythm in your notebook. You probably still will notice a few anomalies, places where the rhythm changes from the regular pattern, but ignore these anomalies for now. If you still don't see a pattern, count the number of stressed syllables in three consecutive lines. If these lines do not have the same number of stressed syllables, the poem probably does not have a regular rhythm; in other words, it probably is written in free verse.
Draw vertical lines around each instance of a pattern. Each one of these units is called a "metrical foot" or simply a "foot." For example, if the line you scanned has the markings - / - / - / - / - /, you would recognize the iambic pattern and mark the line this way: - / | - / | - / | - / | - /. Count the number of units in each line. In most cases, this number will be the same for every line of the poem. In the previous example, you would count five units, or five feet. Use the following terms to identify the number of feet in the lines: dimeter (2 feet), trimeter (3 feet), tetrameter (4 feet), pentameter (5 feet), and hexameter (6 feet). You now have identified the overall pattern of rhythm in the poem. In our example, the rhythm is iambic pentameter.
Now look back at the anomalies, the places where the rhythm changes. A unit with two stresses is called a spondee, and a unit with two unstressed syllables is called a pyrrhic foot. Try to determine what role these anomalies play. For example, many times spondees call attention to important words, images, or ideas. Jot down your ideas in your notebook.

Thanks Marc,

I'm not a poet and not clever enough to understand that load of info let alone use it for any purpose. So I won't be adhering to the rules on scanning in poetry. It's a short poem, the way I read out aloud is both funny and understandable (to me). That'll do for me. As for the logic??? No logic to living in a yellow submarine under the sea with all your mates or proclaiming 'I am the Walrus!' Good songs none the less. And no I'm not comparing myslef to the Beatles.

Ta.

Quote: karlosthegreat1 @ May 12 2010, 11:13 AM BST

Thanks Marc,

I'm not a poet and not clever enough to understand that load of info let alone use it for any purpose. So I won't be adhering to the rules on scanning in poetry. It's a short poem, the way I read out aloud is both funny and understandable (to me). That'll do for me. As for the logic??? No logic to living in a yellow submarine under the sea with all your mates or proclaiming 'I am the Walrus!' Good songs none the less. And no I'm not comparing myslef to the Beatles.

Ta.

View original

Well glad you're taking things on board. I'm not a mathematical theoretician personally... this is why I don't put my maths theories up for critique on scientific forums.

But if it is for performance, as you say, you can make it work. This is the main thing I guess.

A fun little ditty
that wasn't so shitty.

Marc P's 7,400 (more than mine) postings makes him a wizer critique-er than I, tho. I bow to greater experience - but never bend over in the face of adversity.

Cheers Marc and Stephen. I do of course bow to experience but I just think it works well as it is. Even my girlfriend laughed and that's rare. Very rare.

Quote: karlosthegreat1 @ May 12 2010, 12:59 PM BST

Cheers Marc and Stephen. I do of course bow to experience but I just think ot works well as it is. Even my girlfriend laughed and that's rare. Very rare.

View original

Karlos if you think it works well as it is and can't be improved critique isn't really the place to post it. Best thing is to record it and put in on YouTube. Or paste it on the General Election thread or general thread or status thread I guess. Having said that lots of people post stuff here which they think is brilliant and could never be improved.

I presumed as you were going to enter this for something going by the title you were looking for thoughts on how to polish it up.

Hi Marc, I am after critique of course and I appreciate any comments received but before I go changing anything I'd like to get a broad range of opinions, So far we have 1 in the 'not sure' camp and 2 in the 'liked it' camp. We'll play first to 5. See my post 'something stupid', points taken and sketch changed.

I wrote it for the competition on here with the ambition theme.

A competition on BSG with ambition as the theme. Is this some kind of joke?