Skit Comp 8-15.5.10

Sorry for the delay, but congratulats to ANGIEBABY for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

5 - 10 - Angiebaby
3 - 5 - Nigel, Gerry McDonnell
2 - 1 - Will Cam, Giggle-o, Nil Putters and Otterfox

Your new subject: AMBITION (chosen by Will Cam)
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 15.5.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

124 - Mr Sunshine
118 - Cool Mikado
111 - Chris Forshaw
107 - Otterfox
103 - Frankie
99 - Nigel Kelly
98 - Fred Peters
85 - Michael Monkhouse
82 - Charley Rance
78 - Timbo
78 - Kasm
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
54 - Scratchyr
50 - Angiebaby
37 - Gerry McDonnell
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Ellie
16 - Alex Mahon
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
12 - Badge
11 - Steven
11 - Will Cam
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - The Giggle-O
07 - James
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - Nil Putters
05 - Drew
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Stephen Birch
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

INT. SCHOOL CAREERS OFFICE.DAY

A CAREERS OFFICER IS SITTING AT HIS DESK READING NOTES IN A FILE. THERE'S A KNOCK AT THE DOOR WHICH THEN OPENS AND A SCHOOLGIRL WALKS IN

CAREERS OFFICER
Hello... Cheryl?

CHERYL
Alreet

CAREERS OFFICER
Come on in, take a seat

CHERYL
Ta very much

CAREERS OFFICER
Now then, have you given any thought to what you might want to do when you leave school?

CHERYL
Naa, not really like, Aa was thinking maybe Aa'll be a singa or a songwriter or an actress, or a dancaa or a TV personality or, Aa dunno, maybe all of those things like

CAREERS OFFICER
Hmmm... you know that Greggs in the high street are hiring

CHERYL
Oh and Aa want to be a WAG and the face of L'Oreal un all

CAREERS OFFICER
Cheryl, forgive me but without any relevant experience or qualifications coupled with your almost indecipherable Geordie accent, what makes you think any of those things will be in any way possible?

CHERYL SMILES

INT. SCHOOL CORRIDOR. DAY

THE DOOR TO THE CAREERS OFFICE OPENS AND CHERYL EXITS. IN THE BACKGROUND WE SEE THE NOW DISHEVELED AND EXHAUSTED LOOKING CAREERS OFFICER SLOUCHED IN HIS CHAIR

CHERYL
Ta'ra hinny

CAREERS OFFICER
Call me!

UNEMPLOYMENT OFFICER INTERVIEWING A YOUNG MALE, JOB APPLICANT:

UO: Last job didn't work out, eh?

YM: Nah I couldn't see meself doin' all that borin' office stuff;
couldn't see the sense in the filin' system, neeva.

UO: You look like a fit young man, what about a job on a building
site?

YM: Nah, can't see meself runnin' up'n dahn laddas all day. I wanna
job where I don't afta do bugger-all an get loadsa loot, to boot.
Got one like that?

UO: Can you play football?

YM: Can't see meself chasin' after balls. I ain't a friggin dog.
Sunfink more laid-back'd be more up my street, an gettin' paid
bundles fer me efforts, like.

UO: You can't see yourself doing office work. You can't see yourself
doing building work and you can't see yourself playing football.
Help me out here; just what CAN you see yourself doing?

YM: Can't see meself doin' nuffink, BUT I wanna be a boss, like, an
earn meself a fortune.

UO: If you can't see yourself doing anything, how the hell can you
expect to be a boss!!!???

YM: Got blind ambition, ain't I.

PAUL: So it's decided. We strike tonight.

SARAH: Yes!

PAUL: And by lunchtime tomorrow, we'll have brought down the Government.

LIAM: Yes!...erm....Hang on...What?

PAUL: The corrupt so-called rulers of our noble country must be deposed!

LUCY: When did that become part of the plan? I thought that we were doing this for charity.

PAUL: Bringing down the Government has always been the plan.

LUCY: But I've got sponsorship forms and everything. I've raised nearly three hundred pounds.

SARAH: I thought we were protesting about Japanese whaling fleets. I spent ages making these placards and now you're telling us we don't need them after all?

PAUL: Placards?! How is a picture of a whale on a stick going to help us storm Parliament?

LIAM: I have to say, I didn't realise that storming Parliament was part of the plan either. I thought we were here for a 5-a-side football match against the local pub team.

PAUL: But there's only four of us!

LIAM: Yeah...I've been meaning to ask about that.

PAUL: So none of you are ready to overthrow the Government?

SARAH: Well...if I'd had a bit more warning...

LIAM: I think it might be a bit late by the time I've gone home and changed out of my shorts and football boots.

PAUL: I don't believe you lot! All our planning, all the preparation, everything wasted! Well that's just bloody marvellous, isn't it? Sod the lot of you.

PAUL STORMS OUT, SLAMMING DOOR BEHIND HIM

LUCY: (PAUSE) I knew we were supposed to be storming Parliament really.

LIAM: (LAUGHS) So did I. But he's so easy to wind up.

SARAH: Well that was fun. See you next week?

When Will I Be Sexy?

to be enjoyed with http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eS44KtUh22g

Enter LADY GAGA, looking typically horrific.

LADY GAGA: When will I, will I be sexy?

Aaaaaah - oh pooooooh...

So I've had two number ones,

My number twos could make 'The Sun'.
I'm a star!
'Paparazzi', 'Let's Dance', 'Poker Face', 'Bad Romance,'
They're the best by far!
But they keep asking the question
One they're not supposed to mention, hey yeah, whoah...
When will I, will I be sexy?

LADS: (OFF) We can't answer,
You're too gross for that.

LADY GAGA: When will I get my tits out and they'll care?

LADS: (OFF) We can't answer
You're an ugly twat.

LADY GAGA: When will I, will I be sexy?

You keep asking me, boys.

I sell crazy fashion, I'm poutin', bleedin', lashin',
Like a funny farm!
I'm made up like a tart, sell my farts like works of art,
My gonads shootin' stars!
But you keep asking the question

LADS: (OFF) Poooh.

LADY GAGA: One you're not supposed to mention.

LADS: (OFF) But we gotta mention.

LADY GAGA: When will I, will I be racy?

LADS: (OFF) We can't answer,
We're too sane for that.

LADY GAGA: When will I get my tights out of my anus?

LADS: (OFF) We can't answer,
Our pants we've just shat.

LADY GAGA: Guys can't tell me when my CD 'Fame' will give them wood.
When will I, will I be randy?

You keep asking me, bastards.

LADS: (OFF) What a dog!

Enter a LAD, dances to LADY GAGA but looks scared the more she comes on to him:

LADY GAGA (LAD): Flash my vag on the TV (I suffered)
Like Sharon Stone
Why does no one notice (It's grotesque)
I'd like to be a sex bomb (oooh)
A big hit, not a fright! (I'm just scared)
I can't answer your question (Shit myself)
It's driving me insane (ooooh)
And my impossible red stockings
Tearing at my anus!

LAD: (SCREAMS)

LADY GAGA: I can't take it, fake it much more,

Got my willy all sore.

Enter LADS.

LADS: When - will you - will you...?

LADY GAGA: When, when, when, when...

When will I, will I, will I, will I...?
When will I, will I be red-hot?

LADS: We can't answer
You look like a frog.

LADY GAGA: When will I, will I be gorgeous?

LADS: We can't answer
We like Megan Fox.

LADY GAGA: When will I, will I be steamy?

LADS: We can't answer
There's nads in your box.

LADY GAGA: When will I see my pictures looking racy?

LADS: We can't answer.

Won't you just piss off?

LADY GAGA: Okay. (hobbles off)

LADS watch, pause.

LAD: Nah.

us Scots are ey getting slated in sketches on eer!

______________________________________________________

VISUAL - A DOOR WITH "INTERVIEW ROOM"

INTERVIEWER
So Mr. Jones, tell me, where do you see yourself, say, 5 years from now?

CUT AWAY : WE SEE A FERRARI SPEEDING DOWN VEGAS, GIRLS IN BIKINIS HANGING OUT OF IT AND A HAND THROWING CASH OUT OF THE WINDOWS AT PASSERS BY.

INTERVIEWER (trying to get Mr. Jones' attention)
Mr. Jones...

WE NOW SEE MR JONES IS ABOUT 100 YEARS OLD WITH NO TEETH AND IS LAUGHING LOUDLY

CAPTION "THATS AMBITIOUS"

FADE TO - THE ENGLAND TEAM LIFTING THE WORLD CUP :-)

CAPTION "AND THAT....ISN'T GONNAE HAPPEN"

V/O:For as long as humans have roamed the earth, we have carried hopes and aspirations. Until recently, we placed the blame for a stifled ambition on the fickle finger of fate, but now we know the truth. An evil villain roams the streets feeding off the shattered dreams of the people around him. This is 'I Don't Think So Man'.

CUT TO 'I DON'T THINK SO MAN', AN EVIL LOOKING COLOSSUS OF A MAN, WEARING A CAPE WITH 'IDTS' EMBLAZONED ACROSS THE MIDDLE.

V/O:'I Don't Think So Man' will do anything in his power to destroy the dreams of good, hard-working, honest people. Even the handicapped.

GORDON BROWN:
I just wanted to help the world recover from recession.

CUT TO 'I DON'T THINK SO MAN' SHAKING HANDS WITH NICK CLEGG, DAVID CAMERON AND SATAN.

V/Oport is an area where 'I Don't Think So Man' often thrives.

BOBBY ZAMORA:
I've scored 19 goals this season; I really wanted to help England win the World Cup.

CUT TO 'I DON'T THINK SO MAN' LAUGHING WITH EMILE HESKEY AND FABIO CAPELLO.

V/O:'I Don't Think So Man' doesn't just prey on celebrities, he'll happily feed off the sorrow of the young and the hopelessly optimistic.

LITTLE GIRL:
I'd just like to lead a long and healthy life.

CUT TO 'I DON'T THINK SO MAN' WITH HIS ARM AROUND KATE McCANN.

A Yorkshire Tale. Skit comp entry. Ambition as the theme.

At the risk of embarrassing myself further;

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sXLG5qr40Z8

Be kind and excuse the rustling in the background, the new kitten was attacking a plastic bag.

INT. DAY. OFFICE OF PETER STAMP.

INTERCOM (LADYS VOICE):
Mr. Stamp, a Dennis Frost to see you.

MR. STAMP:
Send him in.

DENNIS ENTERS.

DENNIS:
Hello Mr. Stamp.

STAMP:
Take a seat. Ok, I want you to wow me. What can you offer that can make us both millionaires?

DEN:
Right. I have an idea for a book full of amazing feats and records.

STAMP:
Riiight....(dubiously)

DEN:
For instance, the hungriest man to run a marathon..was Jeffrey Thomas who said he was "absolutely starving" before the 1996 Olympics.
Aam, we have the tallest man to wind a baby.
The nicest man to go blind, the 1st person to buy a packet of digestive biscuits, the tallest swan, the....

STAMP:
Very Good. The idea isnt entirely original though is it.... what do you call this book?

DEN:
The Dennis Book of Records.

STAMP:
Hmm... You see both in content and name its quite similar to the Guinness Book of Records there.

DEN:
The what?

STAMP:
The Gui- Nevermind. What say we leave that in the 'maybe' pile. What else have you got?

DEN:
A documentary on a some of my more interesting friends. Steve Jurassic: He looks like a disappointed caveman; Tom Johnson: He has the frostiest back I've ever seen. Like a cold winters morning, constantly.

STAMP:
MmmHmm...

DEN:
Dragons Den.

STAMP:
Oh yes?

DEN:
Yes. I Dennis Frost go in search of dragons in the hope of becoming their pet for a week and will therefore become Dragons Den/Dennis... I have the failed salmon, the jungle head of...

STAMP:
If I may just cut across you at this point and ask, have you anything good?

DEN:
Oooh good... Aam 'I Dolphin'.

STAMP:
Dare I ask what that is?

DEN:
We get a group together and they spend 6 months working as dolphins on the shores of Mexico and we document the trials and tribulations that they encounter.

STAMP:
Can I just take that folder away from you........ I'll call out a few ideas and you explain them to me. Ok, 'Alan Johansson: The mediocre wolf'.

DEN:
Oh yes,that's a childrens story about a wolf who doesn't do anything even remotely interesting.

STAMP:
Right. Not am....not...... Gerry the Pim?

DEN:
Just....just a name.

STAMP:
Great. Nappies Ahoy?

DEN:
Save your baby the bother of having to go himself with pre-soiled 2nd hand nappies.

STAMP:
Excellent....and 1 more.... North Pole?

DEN:
A Polish man goes North a bit....kinda steps in a northerly direction... in a way.

STAMP:
Ok. So what do you think? Have any of your ideas got any chance of making it?

DENNIS LOOKS SHEEPISH.

CAPTION: SIX MONTHS LATER.

CUT TO TV PRESENTER.

PRESENTER:
And that was the smash hit name from the smash hit show 'Gerry the Pim'!!

THEME TUNE...

'Whats his game, Gerry the Pim. Its just a name, Gerry the Pim. Gerry the Pim, Gerry the Pim. This is him!

PRESENTER:
And now our story of the month.

CHILDRENS READER:
Today we're going to learn about Alan Johannsson; the mediocre wolf and the amazing and magical adventures he doesn't get up to.

Alan Johannsson was a mediocre wolf of the highest order. He slept and slept for what seemed like seconds. Alan suddenly awoke but there was nothing there.

"What was that"? Thought Alan mediocrely. "That sounded like what may have been a noise". His eyes were reclosing, then his eyes fully closed. He was asleep.

He slept and slept and slept and slept......and slept and slept (TURN PAGE) and slept and slept. Suddenly he slept some more. Alan slept. After 2 days he was awakened by his eyes. They opened.

Alan found it very hard to sleep when his eyes were open. Alan walked, he saw a tree, he heard a leaf. Then Alan burped, yawned and got sick on a mouse for aswell as being mediocre Alan was also a complete dickhead and an ignorant prick.

THE END.

Quote: Gerry McDonnell @ May 12 2010, 12:54 PM BST

V/O:'I Don't Think So Man' doesn't just prey on celebrities, he'll happily feed off the sorrow of the young and the hopelessly optimistic.

LITTLE GIRL:
I'd just like to lead a long and healthy life.

CUT TO 'I DON'T THINK SO MAN' WITH HIS ARM AROUND KATE McCANN.

View original

WHY OH WHY OH WHY?!!!!!

INT. ATTIC - DAY.

PINOCHIO AND GEPPETTO ARE RUMMAGING THROUGH BOXES.

PINOCHIO:
I want to be a real boy.

GEPPETTO:
(sighing) What do you think I am, pine nut? A miracle worker? Now keep looking through that box and see if you can find my old pipe.

PINOCHIO:
Well, can I be a father?

GEPPETTO:
(Rolls eyes)You've got a wooden pecker. The only thing that's going to come out of it is sawdust. Now shut up or I'll use you as a coconut shy.

PINOCHIO FINDS AN AUNT SALLY.

PINOCHIO:
Look! What I've found. A woman.

GEPPETTO TURNS ROUND AND SEES PINOCHIO SHAGGING IT.

GEPPETTO:
Oy,leave your mother alone!

INT. CLASSROOM. DAY.

TEACHER:
You are approaching the end of your schooling, an uncertain future awaits. In recent weeks we have explored various career options. Today our final presentation will involve a friend of mine.... Come in, Roy.

ROY WALKS IN TO THE CLASSROOM. HE IS A TRAMP.

ROY:
Vagrancy, is it for you? If you have a penchant for booze, drugs, sex and lie-ins, then perhaps it might be.

RANDOM PUPIL:
What qualifications do you need?

ROY:
Forget about exams, it's personality we seek. Especially the ability to sell. Years ago I arrived at Kings Cross station as a raw wannabe tramp, and believe you me, I learnt to sell and quick.

RANDOM PUPIL:
What did you sell?

ROY:
Me.... on the plus side though, I'll never suffer from constipation.

RANDOM PUPIL:
What does a typical tramp earn?

ROY:
Uncapped earnings potential... One young woman who got fast-tracked from the tramp apprenticeship scheme, now begs onboard Ryanair.

RANDOM PUPIL:
Wow!

TEACHER:
I recall you saying recently Roy, that you are hoping to attract more females into the industry.

ROY:
Why yes, they are a tad under represented and they do make excellent carers' for baby tramps... Any more questions?

RANDOM PUPIL:
No.

ROY:
In concluding, you'll find we offer a debt-free destitution with minimal overheads.

TEACHER:
Thank you Roy for, if you don't mind me saying, your rather grubby presentation.

ROY:
One tries.... oh, and before I forget, could you spare me some change for a cup of wine?

BLIND AMBITION

V/O
No discernible talent? Don't worry, Blind Ambition can help you fulfil your wildest, most incredible dreams. Just pop your soul in an envelope, send it to us, sit back and watch the accolades roll in.

ONSCREEN DISCLAIMER;
Experiences my vary. Talent subject to availability.

END

EXT. NARROW ALLEY. DAY

A SMALL, FAT MAN (LARKIN) WITH A PRONOUNCED BULGE UNDER HIS DARK COAT IS OFFERING CASH TO AN ANGRY YOUNG WOMAN.

LARKIN (Desperate)
Look, £25 - it's got to be worth it.

WOMAN
What do you take me for? You drag me off the street and start offering me cash...

LARKIN
You're... you're a beautiful lady. It'll only take two minutes - max. Then you can walk away like it never happened. (His chubby fingers take another fiver from his wallet) How about thirty?

HE POPS HIS HEAD OUT FURTIVELY FROM THE ALLEY TO LOOK ALONG THE STREET AND QUICKLY DUCKS BACK IN

LARKIN
He's coming. (He fishes the last £10 out of his wallet and thrusts it at the woman) £40 - that's all I've got. Pleeease!

SHE PEERS OUT OF THE ALLEY

WOMAN (Resolve weakening)
Weee..ell. He does look pretty dishy.

LARKIN (Looking at his watch)
It's a quick job. A minute and a half - tops!

WOMAN (Suspicious)
You're not paparazzi, are you?

LARKIN
No! Now, you just need a small adjustment.

HIS CLAMMY HANDS HITCH HER SKIRT UP ABOVE HER KNEES. SHE SLAPS HIS HANDS AWAY BEFORE TAKING A DEEP BREATH AND SWEEPING OUT TO CONFRONT A GUY IN AN ARMANI SUIT AND RAY BANS

MEANWHILE, LARKIN FURTIVELY OPENS HIS COAT AND STARTS FIDDLING AROUND WITH HIS EQUIPMENT. SATISFIED, HE LEAPS OUT FROM THE ALLEY AND DASHES IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION FROM THE WOMAN AND THE GUY, HIS STUBBY LEGS PUMPING AWAY AS FAST AS THEY CAN.

SUDDENLY, THE SMARTLY DRESSED MAN REALISES HE'S BEEN CAUGHT IN A HONEY TRAP AND PUSHES THE WOMAN AWAY TO GIVE CHASE.

IT'S TOO LATE - THE FAT TRAFFIC WARDEN LAUNCHES HIMSELF AT A YELLOW LAMBORGHINI, LANDING ON THE BONNET AND THRUSTING A PARKING TICKET UNDER ITS WINDSCREEN WIPER JUST AS THE PARKING METER CLICKS TO RED

THE WARDEN PUNCHES THE AIR AND TAKES OUT HIS CAMERA TO SNAP HIMSELF WITH THE TICKET ON THE SPORTS CAR. THE SMARTLY DRESSED CAR OWNER CURLS HIS LIP AND KICKS THE PARKING METER IN CONTEMPT

LARKIN
Ha ha haaaaaa! Finally! Wait till they see this back at base. No more loser Larkin - it's Lambo Larkin from now on!

A FEW PASSERS-BY GLANCE OVER INDIFFERENTLY

INT: LIVING ROOM
MAN AND WOMAN (BARRY AND RACHEL) ARE READING THE NEWSPAPER.

BARRY: Look, you've been nominated.

RACHEL: Where? Let me see me.... <disappointed> Oh!

BARRY: What's wrong?

RACHEL: It's for Best 'Female' Comedian of the Year.

BARRY: That's great!

RACHEL: Why can't I be Comedian of the Year, period?

BARRY: <snorts>

RACHEL: <angry> You think that's funny?

BARRY: Yes, I mean No.

RACHEL: You don't think I could be Comedian of the Year, do you?

BARRY: You've got it all wrong...

RACHEL: You think women doing comedy is funny?

BARRY: No.

RACHEL: So, why did you laugh?

BARRY: You...you... said 'period'

RACHEL: See! I am funny.