Okay, here's the whole thing so people can decide if it's going anywhere. It's actually only meant to run for 15 mins - the minimum requirement. The only change here is SAM is now called SHAUN.
GUFFING ON THE RADIO
Written By:
Marc Paterson
SCENE 1: INT. RADIO HERON - MORNING
GRAMS: A JINGLE PLAYS: 'HERON RADIO, MEDIUM WAVE! GUFFING ON THE RADIO!'
A CHEERFUL VOICE speaks
MATT: Good morning you're tuned to Heron Medium-wave, the voice of West Lummock, Matt Guffing here and if you've just joined us we're talking tripe, aren't we, Shaun?
SHAUN: Well one of us is.
MATT: And we wanted to know; what's your experience of tripe? What's the best way to serve it? And are old ladies swimming caps really made of it? Call or text us on the usual numbers. Speaking of old ladies, here's another lady - although I wouldn't like to imply that she's old, far from it, she's lovely and young, not a wrinkle in sight. In fact I wouldn't mind seeing her in a swimsuit-
LUCY: Can we get on with it?
MATT: Yes. Here's Lucy with the travel.
LUCY: Travel updates for you now. Reports of a black hole going northbound on the B12120, so wind up your windows if you're passing that way. Not sure that's entirely factual but take care none the less. And there's a ram and lamb jam on the B4444414, that's causing tailbacks. Also of course there's still road works around the new Co-Op in Stywater while building work continues on the car park there. More travel soon.
MATT: Thanks Lucy. I hope you didn't think I was being crude before. It was meant as a compliment.
LUCY: (GRITTED TEETH) It's fine.
MATT: I don't spend all my time imagining you semi-naked.
LUCY: Good.
MATT: We don't want the feminists calling in and complaining that I'm some kind of sexist pervert, going around undressing women with my eyes. I believe deeply in sexual equality. If I didn't I'd never get any!! (WEAK LAUGH)
SHAUN: Er... Lucy, any plans for the weekend?
LUCY: I don't know. I'm thinking of getting my locks changed now though.
ANT: (OFF MIC) Oh, new hairdo?
LUCY: (TITTERS) Very funny, Ant.
MATT: Ant, our producer there, being his usual wisecracking self.
SHAUN: Yeah you really should be on the stage with an act like that.
ANT: (OFF MIC) Bitter, Shaun?
SHAUN: No thanks I'm a lager man.
LUCY: How about you, Ant?
ANT: (OFF MIC) I like to start with Sex On The Beach.
LUCY: (TITTERS) No! I meant what are you up to at the weekend?
ANT: (OFF MIC) I don't know. What would you like me to be up to?
SHAUN: Your neck in cement?
ANT: (OFF MIC) What?
MATT: Talking about the weekend, I've been invited to the opening ceremony of the new Co-Op in Stywater on Saturday.
SHAUN: And you've only been harping on about it for a fortnight.
MATT: Well to be fair, Shaun I've only known for a fortnight.
SHAUN: Silly me.
MATT: (LAUGHS) Yes. Anyway my old comedy chum, what's in store for your weekend?
SHAUN: Less of the old, thanks.
MATT: Oops. Sorry.
SHAUN: And the 'chum'.
MATT: Honestly! These young upstarts, eh Ant? What are we going to do with them?
ANT: (OFF MIC) I'm actually younger than you.
MATT: That's true.
ANT: (OFF MIC) By about ten years isn't it?
PAUSE
MATT: This is Texas.
GRAMS: A TUNE BY TEXAS BEGINS
FADE OUT
SCENE 2: INT. STUDIO - MORNING
GRAMS: JINGLE: "HERON MEDIUM WAVE!"
MATT: Okay, who have we got lined up for the wind up today, Shaun?
SHAUN: I've got the reception number for a firm in the Numbton area, so watch out if you're working there. And if you live there, my condolences.
MATT: Did you hear what I did there? 'Lined up for the wind up'.
SHAUN: You can rhyme, there's no denying it. Puff Daddy is quaking in his thirty million dollar mansion.
MATT: ("RAPS") Guffing on the mic, Guffing on a... bike. Guffing near a dyke-
SHAUN: You can stop now.
MATT: Thanks. I thought I might give my Irish accent an airing.
SHAUN: That won't stop it from stinking.
MATT: Tarp atha marnin' taeya! How's that?
SHAUN: Wow. Forget Puff Daddy; meet Duff Paddy.
MATT: (UNEASY LAUGH) Lucy, you like my Irish accent don't you?
LUCY: Do I?
MATT: Yes. At the office Christmas party you said I sounded rugged and sexy.
LUCY: I said you sounded buggered on whiskey.
PAUSE
MATT: This is the Pogues.
GRAMS: A POGUES SONG PLAYS
FADE OUT
SCENE 3: INT. RADIO STATION - MORNING
GRAMS: JINGLE: RADIO HERON! GUFFING FROM BREAKFAST TILL NOON!
MATT: We've had a text from Barney in Thrim: 'I'D LIKE TO FORMALLY INVITE YOU TO OPEN MY PICKLED EGG JAR. I HAVE ARTHRITIS' and yet you're able to operate a mobile phone, aren't you? Dear old Barney, we do enjoy your witty texts every single morning. The news is coming up shortly and we're still talking tripe, so please join us.
SHAUN: Sandra from Groin has emailed, asking if you're going to be signing autographs in Stywater?
MATT: Stop it you're making me blush! But yes I always make time for my ever-growing fan base.
SHAUN: And your ever growing head.
MATT: Pardon?
SHAUN: Sorry, I meant you're forever giving head. Shots! Forever giving out headshots. That you've signed.
MATT: Yes, the life of a celebrity eh? You have no idea how hard it is being this popular.
SHAUN: Yeah, I can imagine that for you, writing your name would be taxing.
MATT: It can be, Shaun. But it's the least thing I can do.
SHAUN: And the only.
LUCY: A text here from Cameron in Little Smelling: 'When's your next blog entry going to be posted?'
MATT: Funny you should ask that question, Cameron. As you know we had a bit of trouble with prank commenting recently but we seem to have weeded out the culprits and my next post will be Friday. I recently met her Royal Highness at the West Lummock Show, where I was hosting the Horse Jumping - for those of you that have never seen it, it's a West Lummock tradition where men in nothing but shorts attempt to Frosby flop the county's finest nags, and I've written an account of the year royalty came to West Lummock. I've called it, 'Guffing In The Presence of the Queen'. I must confess, Shaun gave me the title. Thanks, Shaun.
SHAUN: My pleasure, Matt.
MATT: Okay, coming up soon we've got the Windup, so beware it could be you! But now it's over to Charlie Harrow with the news.
LUCY: Do you picture her in her swimsuit too?
MATT: Yes. I mean no. I mean...
GRAMS: SERIOUS NEWS MUSIC
CHARLIE (FEMALE): Good morning. Workers at a plank factory in East Runt have had a brush with stardom this week when it was announced that they would be providing the wood for the new TARDIS. The MD for the firm said that he was, 'proud to be a planker.'
In other news, Stywater's mayor is looking forward to the opening of the new Co-Op, which, along with further plans to build a retail park, will bring new jobs and boost the economy of the town.
A man has been injured during a protest in Numbton town centre. The crowds were protesting against a wall being built around the town park when their combined weight sent it falling onto the unsuspecting forty-one year old, who was feeding the pigeons.
And the weather, dry with highs and lows and wet with occasional periods in between. Sixteen, breezy with a chance of lightness. Frisky, but warm. And that's the news at just after five past nine.
GRAMS: SERIOUS NEWS MUSIC
MATT: Welcome back.
CHARLIE: I'm Charlie Harrow.
MATT: Yes, thanks Charlie. During the news we somehow got onto the subject of childhood and where we went to school, college etcetera.
LUCY: I studied ballet if you can believe that.
SHAUN: Did you get a 2.2?
LUCY titters
GRAMS: MUSIC FROM SWAN LAKE STARTS UP IN THE BACKGROUND
SHAUN: You've got a great laugh. I love making you laugh.
LUCY, MATT AND ANT, ALL NOW LAUGH UPRORIOUSLY
LUCY: (STILL LAUGHING) Sorry, Shaun; Ant was messing about doing a swan lake impression. What did you say?
SHAUN: (SIGHS) Nothing.
F/X: SWAN LAKE MUSIC ABRUPTLY ENDS
MATT: Ant you're such a card!
SHAUN: Yeah, two dimensional and full of empty sentiment.
ANT: (OFF MIC) What?
LUCY: He said you're such a card, Ant.
SHAUN: Have I died and nobody's noticed?
MATT: So Lucy, you must have had plenty of stamina when you were a dancer?
LUCY: Where in God's name are you going with this?
MATT: Well... (SHAKEY) do you still know all the moves?
LUCY: No. A bit like you.
PAUSE
MATT: And what about our Anthony; I had no idea that he was privately educated.
LUCY: WOOOH!
ANT: (OFF MIC) Well, you know what they say? Public school, hung like a m-
SHAUN: Mouse!
ANT: (OFF MIC) Hey! When did you develop Tourettes?
LUCY: Mouse!
F/X: GENERAL SCUFFLING, SHOUTS MICROPHONES BEING KNOCKED, FEEDBACK, SQUEAKING
LUCY: Catch it! Catch it!
F/X: MORE SCUFFLING, SHOUTS, SQUEAKS ETC.
MATT: It's alright, I've trapped it under a cup.
LUCY: We can't leave it there!
ANT: (OFF MIC) I'll take it outside.
LUCY: Oh, you're a hero Ant.
SHAUN: I'll do it.
ANT: No, I said I'd do it.
SHAUN: I'm nearer I'll do it. Give it back!
ANT: Get off!
F/X: SOUNDS OF A STRUGGLE, A CUP SMASHES, A LOUD SQUEAK
ANT: Now look what you've done!
LUCY: Agh! Get it off me!
MATT: (SIGHS) Looks like it'll have to be Matt to the rescue again.
LUCY: It's gone down my top!
SHAUN: I'll do it!
MATT: If you jiggle up and down you might shake it loose.
F/X: LUCY SCREAMING WHILST BOUNCING UP AND DOWN IN HER SEAT, ANOTHER SQUEAK
SHAUN: It's alright. It's gone under the skirting board.
RELIEVED LAUGHTER FROM ALL
MATT: Well that was exciting. Apologies for that listeners; one of our furry friends fancied a career in radio I think.
LUCY: I refuse to work with rodents.
SHAUN: Sorry, Ant; you heard the lady.
SCENE 3: INT. RADIO STUDIO - DAY
GRAMS: JINGLE: 'GUFFING IN THE KITCHEN, GUFFING IN YOUR CAR, GUFFING WHILE YOU EAT YOUR TOAST, HE'S GUFFING NEAR AND FAR!'
MATT: Who writes these jingles?
SHAUN: That would be me.
PAUSE
MATT: Okay coming up soon we've got the windup lined up - little play on words there.
SHAUN: Oh God.
MATT: But now we've got the events guide. Lucy?
LUCY: Are you sure the mouse has gone?
MATT: I've blocked the hole, Lucy don't worry.
LUCY: Thanks, Matt. On Thursday night this week, there's the twice-monthly Cheese Swap in - oh God, cheese, mice... sorry, that's in Fryburn. On Friday it's the Women of Thrim's Charity Horse - not quite sure what that involves but I'm sure it'll be fun all the same. And the weekend; Saturday morning you can pop along to the Dimmock Thistle Eating Contest; there's an all day Crayon in Rummage and Heston Boyd plays the Lithesome Porker at seven thirty in Poot, tickets still available for that.
MATT: Heston Boyd, great band he plays with. If you like your rock and roll with a little bit of Estonian nose harp then get along and see them. Are you a bit of a rock and roller, Lucy?
LUCY: Not really, Matt.
MATT: I don't know, I could picture you in leather.
LUCY: Please don't. I've just had breakfast.
MATT: Don't forget, also on Saturday you can catch me at the opening of the Stywater Co-Op and who knows, you could even get your picture in the paper somewhere behind me. Bring a big hat and you'll get seen easier.
SHAUN: Or bring a crossbow and really make the headlines.
MATT: Incidentally, I was rubbing shoulders with members of the Stywater council last week and apparently the Mayor, who enjoys the show, is a great lover of tripe.
SHAUN: Which is essentially the same thing.
MATT: So come on all you tripe lovers, give us a call and let us know you're out there.
SHAUN: And if you really do love tripe, you are definitely 'out there'.
MATT: Okay, I feel a wind up coming on. Drum roll please.
F/X: DRUM ROLL
MATT: Comedy partner in crime, Shaun, the number if you please?
SHAUN: (OFF MIC) Yep, just let me... it was here somewhere...
MATT: Sorry about this folks. The youth of today, eh? Who'd have them?
ANT: (OFF MIC) We've got tripe on line one!
MATT: At last. Well, while Shaun fumbles around on the floor next to me, let's take the call. Hello there, what's your name?
NORMAN (40s-50s): Norman. But everyone calls me Rambo.
MATT: Oh, why's that? Is it because you look like Stallone? Or are you just sly? (LAUGHS)
NORMAN: It's on account of me strippin' to me waist during the summer months I think. That and I carry a knife.
MATT: Right. And you like tripe?
GORDON: Can't stand the stuff. My old man used to have it in his tuck box.
MATT: Aha.
GORDON: Waste of space he was.
MATT: That's great, well thanks for-
GORDON: Loved his tripe though.
MATT: Yep.
GORDON:More than his kids.
MATT: Well, thank you Gordon.
GORDON: Call me Rambo.
MATT: Will do. Bye then.
NORMAN: You don't care.
MATT: Yes we do. Caring, sharing radio, that's us. Right, bye then.
F/X: DIAL TONE
MATT: Call off the hounds, I've found the number, no thanks to Dr. Watson over there.
SHAUN: Sorry.
MATT: Never mind. Okay, let's dial it.
F/X: TOUCH TONE PHONE SOUNDS. A PHONE RINGS
GODFREY: (GRUMPY, SLEEPY) Hello, who's this?
MATT: Hello, I'd like to make a complaint.
GODFREY: I'm sorry, I don't understand.
MATT: My carp have got four eyes.
GODFREY: That's fascinating but I don't see-
MATT: My mother-in-law has grown a flipper. What are you going to do about it?
GODFREY: Look how did you get this number?
MATT: This is Numbton chemical works, is it not?
GODFREY: It is not.
MATT: Oh.
GODFREY: It is the personal number of Mr. Godfrey Leighton, Mayor of Stywater. Me. Now who are you?
MATT: Erm... nobody. No deal. Neil Edmonds. No Noel Edmonds.
GODFREY: Noel Edmonds?
MATT: Yes. I'm a prankaholic. Just forget I called.
GODFREY: Your voice sounds familiar.
MATT: No it doesn't.
GODFREY: Your not Noel Edmonds at all are you?
MATT: (PAUSE) No it doesn't.
GODFREY: You're that irritating fellow off of the radio aren't you? Who kept up a constant dialogue on the subject of tripe until I professed falsely to enjoy the ghastly stuff in the hope that you might leave me alone. And now here you are whittering about mutant carp and the like. Now look here, if you don't stop harassing me I'll be forced to make this a police matter, and as for you being a suitable guest of honour at the opening of the new Co-Op I think I'm right in saying that you're a long way short of it. What do you think?
MATT: No it doesn't.
F/X: DIAL TONE
SHAUN: So... Any plans for the weekend?
GRAMS: EURYTHMICS: "THORN IN MY SIDE"
END
