An exercise

This is the first scene of a sitcom-writing exercise because I've never really tried sitcoms before. All pointers are appreciated. It isn't too clear what the story is going to be from this scene but I'm hoping it establishes r/ships. It is going to take one of two directions, I'll post the second scene when I've written it!

INT. GENERIC LIVING ROOM - EVENING

ADAM AND MADELINE (EARLY 20's) SAT ON SOFA LOOKING AT A MAGAZINE.

ADAM

(READS MAG) 'Ten ways you know your boyfriend's a loser'. Christ, I can't believe you read these things.

MADELINE

Number 10, 'When he eats dinner, he undoes his trousers.' Number 9, 'He's not wearing any trousers...'

ADAM

Ok, stop there. This already sounds too much like me.

TINA (20's, OVERWEIGHT AND MONOTONE) ENTERS FROM BEHIND.

MADELINE

Number 8, 'He doesn't want you to read any more because you'll realise what a loser he is'. (LOOKS TO ADAM) Spooky!

ADAM

Give me that!

HE TRIES TO TAKE THE MAG FROM HER; THEY ROLL AROUND PLAYFULLY ON THE SOFA. TINA SITS FACING THE COUPLE AND WATCHES THEM WITH A HANG DOG EXPRESSION.

MADELINE

(BREAKS FROM PLAYING; TO TINA) Uhm, I thought we had the place to ourselves, tonight.

TINA

No, you haven't. Don't let me stop you; I don't mind watching.

ADAM

We do!

MADELINE

Haven't you got anything else to do? Maybe you could do the dishes?!

TINA

Nah.

ADAM

There's a tub of ice cream in the freezer, if you want, you can have that, but could you... (FLICKS HEAD TO DOOR)

TINA

Oh right. (TINA EXITS)

MADELINE

(WATCHES TINA LEAVE) Did you have to give our ice cream away?

ADAM

(WITH MOCK SYMPATHY) Aww, liddle Maddy wan-ed ice cweam! Well, it got rid of her. Anyway, give me that! (HE POUNCES ON MAD PLAYFULLY)

TINA RE-ENTERS WITH ICE CREAM, ASSUMES HER POSITION AND EATS MESSILY.

ADAM

(LOOKS UP) What are you doing?!

TINA

(MOUTH FULL) Eating. (STARES AT ADAM SILENTLY; HE STARES BACK)

ADAM

But I thought that would get rid of you!

MADELINE

Come on, let's just go upstairs.

TINA

(ABRUPTLY) Can I have a kiss?

ADAM

What?

TINA

Can I have a kiss?

ADAM

Who are you asking?

TINA

You; I want a kiss. I like kisses.

ADAM

But you've got ice cream all around your face.

MADELINE

You're not considering it?!

TINA WIPES AWAY THE ICE CREAM, CLOSES HER EYES AND PURSES HER LIPS.

ADAM

No! I just want to know what she's up to.

TINA

I'll tell them you touched me.

ADAM

What?!

TINA

The police; I'll tell them what you did.

MADELINE

Come on, she's just being stupid.

THEY GO TO GET UP; TINA SUDDENLY BUNDLES ON TOP OF THEM.

MADELINE

What are you doing? Get up!

ADAM

Why do you smell of Pritt stick?

ENTER DARREN (LATE 20's; SLOBNOXIOUS), TINA'S BOYFRIEND. SHE CONTINUES TO WRITHE ON ADAM AND MAD.

DARREN

Anything on telly...?

TINA GETS UP.

TINA

(FAKE SOBBING) Darren...they forced themselves on to me...and touched my sponge volcano.

DARREN

You should've called me. I don't mind swapping. (LOOKS AT MAD LECHEROUSLY; SHE SQUIRMS)

ADAM

(PULLS MAD CLOSE) In your dreams!

DARREN

How did you know? Have you been reading my diary?!

TINA

Aren't you going to hit him?

DARREN

I think it's only fair now you've touched my girlfriend, you return the favour.

MADELINE

I'm not a bargaining tool like a camel!

DARREN

What about an innocent little kiss?

ADAM

What's innocent about a kiss?

TINA

There's nothing innocent about my kisses.

MADELINE

No one is kissing me, ok?!

DARREN

Right, come on then Tina, this has got me all worked up. (HE LEADS TINA OUT)

TINA

Can we use the suits?

DARREN

If you want; but don't forget the safety word again. (EXIT DARREN AND TINA)

ADAM

Remind me, why do you live with them?

MADELINE

Rent's cheap...

Love it. Hilarious. More please...

Couldn't help but notice your own name in it though - suspicious!

My highlight

"Why do you smell of pritt stick?"

and the end "Rent's cheap"

Why did you call it an exercise?

Glad you liked it Craig. I say exercise because it is just as practice, I don't necessarily think anything will come of this, partly because I haven't got anything in mind for what it is eventually going to be! Adam is as good a name as any , when I first think of naming a male character the first one that pops in my head is Peter, I don't know why.

It was good at the start but I felt it started to move a bit too fast and get confusing towards the end. It's funny but you're right, it doesn't seem to go anywhere.

Damn you're good. You'd be a great writing partner.

Cheers Chris, hopefully a story might develop with the second scene and I might try and tighten up the middle of this.

You're far too kind Mr Paterson! I've written plenty of rubbish and my best work appears to be a cartoon about Pac-Man!

Quote: The Giggle-o @ April 28 2010, 7:27 PM BST

Glad you liked it Craig. I say exercise because it is just as practice, I don't necessarily think anything will come of this, partly because I haven't got anything in mind for what it is eventually going to be! Adam is as good a name as any , when I first think of naming a male character the first one that pops in my head is Peter, I don't know why.

View original

Re Chris saying it not going anywhere - I guess this probably went like that due to you NOT knowing where you wanted to go with it? which makes sense really.

Anyway...first male character that comes to mind for me is Jim. Jane being the female.

* off to make new thread about first name that comes to mind *

The pritt stick line had me laughing out loud. That was the highlight for me. Nice idea. I liked.

Hotly unanticipated second scene. Mad and Adam want to move out so view a new flat.

SCENE 2

INT. PLUSH FLAT: KITCHEN - DAY

JOAN (ESTATE AGENT; EARLY 50's; BESPECTACLED AND STRAIGHT-LACED) SHOWS ADAM AND MADELINE AROUND; THEY CHECK CUPBOARD DOORS.

JOAN

So will you be moving in together?

ADAM

That's what I've been told. (MAD GLARES)

JOAN

The landlord only wants professional couples. He had a bad experience with his last tenants.

MADELINE

What was the problem?

JOAN

They were both fishmongers.

ADAM

It takes guts to do that job.

JOAN

What do you mean?

MADELINE

Nothing, he means nothing.

ADAM

You know, fish mongers, guts...

MADELINE

(GRITTED TEETH; HUSHLY TO ADAM) We're a professional couple.

JOAN

So what do you both do?

MADELINE

Well, I work in finance...

ADAM

Finance?! You work on the checkouts! (MAD SEETHES) Oh yeah, finance...and I work in imports and exports.

JOAN

Oh, my son does that. Who do you work for?

ADAM

Uhm, EBay.

JOAN

What do you deal in?

MADELINE

(INTERJECTING) Rare graphic novels and figurines.

ADAM

Yeah, mostly comics and toys(MAD DESPAIRS); but I also sell trading cards, top trumps, Star Wars bubble bath, Incredible Hulk fists, you know the ones...(PUNCHES FISTS TOGETHER; DEEP VOICE) Hulk smash!

MADELINE

Could we see the living room, please?

JOAN

Yes, it's just through here. (SHE GOES THROUGH PASSAGE)

MADELINE

Look if you want "alone time" and you know what I'm talking about; you'd better start acting like we're a professional couple, ok?!

CUT TO:

INT. FLAT: LIVING ROOM - DAY

JOAN STANDS IN THE CENTRE; MAD AND ADAM ENTER.

ADAM

(FLINGS ARMS OUT; DEEP POSH VOICE) What a positively, wonderful room! (LOOKS TO MAD FOR APPROVAL; SHE STARES AT THE GROUND) These cabinets look just like the ones ma ma and pa pa used to have!

JOAN

Yes, they're from Ikea; newly fitted. The units all had to be replaced when the fishmongers left.

ADAM

(FAUX ANNOYANCE) Ooh, those bloody...buggers.

MAD GESTURES TURNING DOWN THE VOLUME TO ADAM; JOAN CATCHES SIGHT OF HER.

MADELINE

(CONTINUING GESTURE) Uhm, dimmer switches! Are there any dimmer switches?

JOAN

Yes, so you can have mood lighting for romantic evenings. (SNEERS)

ADAM STARTS TURNING THE LIGHTS UP AND DOWN.

MADELINE

I should be so lucky! (LAUGHS; LOOKS TO JOAN WHO CONTINUES SNEERING AT ADAM)

JOAN

I trust everything you've seen is to your liking?

MADELINE

Oh yes, I love it!

MAD PULLS ADAM AWAY FROM THE DIMMER SWITCHES.

JOAN

When would you be looking to move in?

MADELINE

As soon as possible, really.

JOAN

Well, rent is one thousand, three hundred a month but I think the landlord may be willing to move a little on that price.

ADAM

By 'a little' do you mean a thousand pounds?

JOAN

Is the price going to be a problem?

ADAM

Er, yes! We're poor. I've been wearing the same socks for three days and you don't even want to know about my undergarments.

JOAN

Well, have you considered duel tenancy? We have another couple interested and the large study could easily be used as the third bedroom.

MADELINE

(LOOKS TO ADAM) It's an idea.

ADAM

Aww, but I wanted to put my Lara Croft in there!

MADELINE

Oh no, you're not bringing her with us!

ADAM

Who will I confide in if I haven't got Lara?!

MADELINE

Uhm, me!

ADAM

Pfft! Lara doesn't go blabbing all my secrets to her bitchy friends.

MADELINE

That's because she's a blow-up doll!

ADAM

Don't you ever talk about her like that!

JOAN CLEARS THROAT.

JOAN

Do you need to discuss this in your own time and get back to me?

MADELINE

No. We'll take it!

ADAM CROSSES HIS ARMS HUFFILY.

END OF SCENE

Thanks.

You can certainly do dialogue, but the characters need more defining - it is all a little banter-ish at the moment. Persevere though, if a plot emerges that will help throw the characters into relief and you can always go back and edit.

Cheers, Tim. I've got a slightly flimsy plot in mind but you're right about the banterish quality.

Thanks.