New SitCom ~ Criticisms Wanted!

Hi guys!

[EDIT]
A REDRAFTED VERSION OF THE FIRST TEN PAGES: http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/4554/woidraftepextractedit2.pdf

So, this is the first ten pages of an episode of one of the sitcom ideas I'm working on. This is not the pilot, but a "mid-series" episode. I'm only going to put up the first ten pages at the moment. The reason? BBC Writer's Room says they will read the first ten pages of all unsolicited scripts (providing they meet the various criteria, e.g., it's an original creation of your devising); if they like what they see, the script'll get a full read-through. Therefore, no matter how brilliant the last 20-30 pages may be, the first ten are what crucially count. What's more, I think one of the major areas where I need to improve is the beginning of a script in any case.

So, if anyone would be so kind, I would like any kind of feedback, advice, compliments, and crucially, criticism that anyone wants to give me.

I hope you fellows will oblige me.

Kindest regards,

Bryan

[EDIT]
So I just noticed one typo: the name of the shop changes once in this extract. Ha! A carry-over from when I actually changed the name. Just disregard that error. Whoops.

Aside from some clunky descriptive passages and the odd grammatical error, it's well written. Probably would have been better to read the first episode, it's a bit strange having all the characters established already.

It's not particularly a laugh riot, is it? I quite liked the progression of loud and clear (although I think it's Dolby Digital Surround Sound, not how you put it) I also like 200% and 'yup. wanking' - which leads me to another criticism. In 10 pages there were at least 5 references to wanking, two to pissing and one to cocks. That is a LOT of toilet based material. Seems a bit narrow in terms of comedy, and it's not really something I find particularly funny. If I were you, I'd leave it at the gag in the toilets.

I would have liked to see the scene's during the day expanded, get a look at some odd customers (I'm assuming you did this as a job? I work in retail and could write a whole sitcom just about the customers that you have to deal with)

I also wasn't sure exactly where it was they worked? Was it a supermarket? I DIY store like Homebase? I was a bit confused..

There's a long section about pirate DVDs.. It's not funny, and unless it sets up some gag later on, I'd get rid of it.

I think it could do with making the descriptive passages a bit more snappy - something I got told to do in the early stages of my script, it really helps move things along, just start deleting stuff you'll wonder why they were there to begin with..

for example:
instead of:

INT. JAMES' BEDROOM. DAY.
A mobile phone on a shelf. Nerve-shredding jangle of its alarm. JAMES instinctively grabs it and presses a button. Silence. A second later it goes off again, vibrates off the shelf and lands on his head. He hurls it against the wall. Silence. He smiles contentedly. From across the room, another alarm begins to blare out.

try..

INT. JAMES' BEDROOM. DAY.

A mobile phone on a shelf emits a piercing alarm. JAMES instinctively grabs it and silences it. It goes off again vibrating off the shelf and on to on his head. He hurls it against the wall and smiles contentedly. From across the room it blares out.

That's not a great example, but I just mean there are unnecessary words clogging up the page.

I also think there's some missed comedy with this:

EXT. STREET. DAY.

JAMES is stumbling along in an attempt to run. He raises a pint of milk into shot and swigs it. Then he raises a box of cereal into view and gobbles some. He alternates gobbling, swigging, and swishing.

Have you tried running and drinking? It's hard. He'd almost definitely be in a mess by the time he got to work.

Overall, I quite like it. The characters could do with some fleshing out, they all kind of speak the same and don't have much of a personality. And that bit with the head instead of his knob? I think that's pretty old, and not all that funny. On the strength of these first ten pages, I'd say don't send it to the writers room yet, do some re-writes, approach the scenes in a new way and rethink some of the dialogue

Hey maffew, cheers for your rather generous criticism.

First off, yes, it's an imagined major DIY store.

This is definitely the most atypical of the scripts I've been working on for this sitcom idea, and it's definitely one that needs a lot of work. Indeed, I don't think I ever will post anything on this board that I feel 95% happy with -- why would I? When I post my own stuff, I personally want criticism and help to make it better, not praise at how something I've done is so perfect or whatever. Anyway...

When I say "atypical", I mean in a few ways. One is that this episode takes place almost wholly at night... which loses an interesting element to this sitcom idea, and that is the customer stuff (which you mentioned). You should know that for me, having been moving around in this world for a while, the nightshift was interesting new territory to explore, but for someone coming to this concept for the first time, maybe not such a good idea. Yes, I think I was silly posting this particular script up, but hey-ho.

Would you like me to post up the first ten pages of the "pilot" script to see how it compares? Probably should've posted that up instead, as you say... lol!

I 100% agree with you. The whole first ten-ish pages of this script just drag a bit. And you're definitely right about cutting the description stuff; whenever I go back and start cutting stuff out, I'm always surprised by just how little I, in fact, really do need to write.

"There's a long section about pirate DVDs.. It's not funny, and unless it sets up some gag later on, I'd get rid of it."
Furry muffs. I did find it quite funny, tho not side-splittlingly so or anything. Either way, it does lead to gags and story progression.

The pirate DVD stuff does go somewhere; it's a major plot point...

I was thinking of dropping the running/drinking scene altogether. But maybe I could keep it in but verbally **spell out** the joke when we next see him in store, i.e., covered in milk with cornflakes in his hair, say. That's the kind of thing I'm seeing in my mind, I think I ought to put it in explicitly.

I personally found the wanking stuff to be hilarious when I wrote it, and still hilarious now (and it's been months and months and months since I first put finger to keyboard). One of my favourite sitcoms is Bottom, so... ha! But I do think that the wanking/knob/toilet stuff is just taking up way too much time that frankly could be punchier and funnier in just a fraction of the space. Just having trouble getting perspective on where to ruthlessly scythe the shizzle out of it.

So anyway, man, in summary, thank you for your very very generous criticism. I need to think on it, but I think it may help me.

Also, would you be interested to see the current draft of the first ten pages of the pilot? I ask, because that is mostly set during the day, and has more "character" stuff and customer stuff.

Whatevs, Trevs!

Post a bit of everything. I think the Pilot episode is pretty essential reading really, it sets up the characters, the concept - being thrown in at the deep end was a bit weird.. I'd rather read the first episode.

LOL! Okay, should I start a new thread then? ha!

Sorry Bryan, it didn't light my laugh bulb - not even a flicker. My main criticism would be the lack of plot/story. This is a "mid-series" extract that conveys the impression that it's a sordid little set of cliched visuals. You can MAYBE get away with a "wank" or two, but to have the entire episode onanistically oriented kills it stone dead.
You are able to write reasonable dialogue so I would suggest you apply your mind to creating new ideas and let your dialogue-abilty shine through something that's unsusual/original.
Re the BBC: They receive mountains of dross and the use of non-creative masturbatory material will get anyone's effort binned. What they look for is creative/original writing. SO to get past the 10 page stage your script needs to shine with these values. IT'S NOT EASY.
Besta luck and keep writing - it's the only way forward.

I pretty much feel the same way as Stephen. Try your hand at something else, trying to get more gags in the mix and with characters that stand out.

The Giggle-O, Stephen Birch, maffew, and others,

I have redrafted the first ten pages pretty significantly. I thank you very much for your initial feedback. This first redraft still has some wanking it in, but it is quite a bit different now, especially in terms of characterisation and plot.

http://img143.imageshack.us/img143/4554/woidraftepextractedit2.pdf

It would mean so so much to me if you three guys would be so wonderful and read this new draft. I understand if you don't want to, but it would mean so much to me to hear how you think I have improved or got worse with this redraft.

And you three are all right: the first draft had some neat bits, but was was mostly too long, too uncompelling, too boring, too unfunny. I hope this first redraft is a great improvement. And Stephen, I agree; sometimes my dialogue (in general, not specifically here) is clunky, sometimes is decent, and sometimes it is very good, but my weaknesses are those you three gents have laid plain.

Agree with Giggle-o and Steve. Not enough well-crafted gags and no story. Try writing short one-liners or sketches to improve your joke writing - there's several radio shows and theatre companies that accept submissions from new writers.

In regard to storylines, think character, character, character. Who are James or Dave or Vijay? Dave seems the strongest as a kind of wheeler-dealer. Are there any hierarchies that can be exploited? Who's in charge? Do they lord it over the others, like a little Hitler? Do the others resent this and mock them behind their back? What flaws do the characters have that are forever getting them into trouble?

You need to answer some of these questions if you want strong characters.

i don't have time to read it all now, but those first few pages seem MUCH MUCH better. I'll read the rest later and let you know what I think, but I'm much more engaged with this.

Quote: M Paterson @ April 27 2010, 8:41 PM BST

Agree with Giggle-o and Steve. Not enough well-crafted gags and no story. Try writing short one-liners or sketches to improve your joke writing - there's several radio shows and theatre companies that accept submissions from new writers.

In regard to storylines, think character, character, character. Who are James or Dave or Vijay? Dave seems the strongest as a kind of wheeler-dealer. Are there any hierarchies that can be exploited? Who's in charge? Do they lord it over the others, like a little Hitler? Do the others resent this and mock them behind their back? What flaws do the characters have that are forever getting them into trouble?

You need to answer some of these questions if you want strong characters.

View original

Hi man, are you refering to the v1 or v2? Sorry, just to be difficult I have not long ago edited my posts with an updated version. v1 starts with JAMES waking up. V2 starts with JAMES serving CUSTOMER 1. But M Paterson, your advice is still good whichever draft you're refering to (but of course knowing which draft you read would help me).

As I said before, this script was probably a daft one to put up, as it foregrounds a secondary or even tertiary character (VIJAY), takes places at night and not during the day (as per all other scripts), and does not involve centrally one of the series main characters (DARREN) who, along with JAMES, MAUREEN, and DAVE does have some interesting "hierachy" stuff going on. Bums.

Another thing you said that is crucially important is... flaws! Flaws is why it's funny, flaws is why we care. Basil Fawlty's a stuck up, high strung snob, Blackadder is a scheming coward, David Brent is... unique. I keep returning to flaws in my mind, what they are for these characters (and others I am working on), and how to work off that for comic effect.

Quote: maffew @ April 27 2010, 8:42 PM BST

i don't have time to read it all now, but those first few pages seem MUCH MUCH better. I'll read the rest later and let you know what I think, but I'm much more engaged with this.

View original

Cheers man, I look forward greatly to your crits whenever you have the time.

At least you're thinking about character flaws and trying to find out who your characters are, that's exactly what you should do. I've received good advice from members of this forum and acted on it.

I still don't see a storyline? It's still just a bunch of blokes doing and saying all the same old things. It seems more like a vehicle for a series of unoriginal jokes/situations than a sitcom. Take it back to the shop where you got it and ask them to change it for something that crackles, fizzes, has a thread and holds your interest. BUT DO TAKE HEART IN YOUR DIALOGUE-ABILITY. BESTA LUCK.

Hi Stephen, cheers for the support and guidance.

My plot for this episode, to boil it down, is JAMES trying to escape the drudgery of his life but needing money for it - hence the nightshift extra hours - but the night turns more into him eventually just trying to keep his marbles and survive the night; as for DAVE, it involves his rivalry with another dodgy peddlar bloke, and his deciding that this other bloke (SIMON) has taken the mickey for too long -- in short, he goes to war, and triumphs.

Now, maybe that is a crappy plotline. I dunno, works for me. But I know I'm not getting that across very well in the early pagws of the script. But even with my changes you're not seeing any of that...? How depressing. Of the extract I've shown you, what do you think would be a better scene-by-scene take on it? That is, scene 1 x happens, scene 2 so-and-so does whatever, scene 3 y, etc.

Re: Version 2.

Takes too long to get to any funnies, the opening scene seems completely incidental you don't need it, as does the scene with him sat at the computer, which is a bit of a tired cliché now (the whole African bank account details thingy - see Face/Phonejacker).

Your stage directions are too flowery at the beginning, cut to the chase; if it isn't directing the action then don't include it. (as nice as the comparison to pot pourri is)

A lot of the dialogue seems to establish character but doesn't really address what is meant to be happening, so doesn't progress the story.

The Vijay character is where most of the humour would come from and he is a bit reminiscent of other characters I've seen before, BJ Penn, IIRC, put up a script about an Asian lad in court and it was quite similar to 'Vijay'. So I'm not sure how original the character is, but I suppose that isn't always the biggest drawback.

I must admit I didn't read all of it, but I hope you can use the crits to good effect on your next script.