Hi guys, so what's the funniest way to kill a cat? ... no, just bear me out, please!!
Basically, I want you to help me write a joke... I said bear me out, c'mon!! 
One of the scripts I'm working on is a kind of screw-ball gross out spoof. At one point, the boyfriend character accidentally kills his girlfriend's cat. I've got some ideas, of course, but I was curious about what other people think would be the funniest way for a cat to be killed.
Sootyj will be along shortly to help you out...
Quote: Bryan Parry @ April 24 2010, 10:13 AM BSTHi guys, so what's the funniest way to kill a cat? ... no, just bear me out, please!!
Basically, I want you to help me write a joke... I said bear me out, c'mon!!
One of the scripts I'm working on is a kind of screw-ball gross out spoof. At one point, the boyfriend character accidentally kills his girlfriend's cat. I've got some ideas, of course, but I was curious about what other people think would be the funniest way for a cat to be killed.
In a way which resonates with the rest of the plot. Have there been any conspicuous props introduced? Maybe use them. What quirks has the character got? Have the death as an ironic twist on those quirks.
Or if all else fails, use a steamroller driven by a clown.
Quote: Nogget @ April 24 2010, 10:56 AM BSTOr if all else fails, use a steamroller driven by a clown.
That's how Uncle Neville went 
Hi,
I've never written anything before, know nothing about the context etc but if this guy a bit of a waster, maybe he doesn't work, always getting grief from his GF about doing nothing / living of her etc?
Maybe??
She's walking around a messy lounge hurridly trying to get ready for work, eating toast off a plate on the sideboard and slurping coffee from a cup in her hand, she slips and dissapears from view behind the sofa, she emerges, covered in coffee and holding a copy of penthouse (implying this is what she slipped on). Angry, she opens the door to the bed room, he's still in bed, she throws the magazine at him and shouts, 'will you please tidy the flat today!!! I've been asking you for a week now.' he groans half asleep and she leaves buttoning a new blouse on her way.
Fast forward to him walking around the lounge stepping over beer cans and half eaten plates of food etc like someone trying to avoid cowpats in a field. Back in the bedroom he says 'I know, I'll do some washing, minimum effort maximum effect....just let the machine do all the work!'
He picks up some socks and pants and cramms them with both hands into an already full wicker laundry basket, forces on the lid and carries it (like a heavy stone, legs apart etc) to the washing machine in a very messy and dirty kitchen, opens the door and tips it stragight in, cramming it, at first the door won't close so he uses his foot to ram the clothes in, still won't close, he sits on his backside using the kitchen units opposite (galley kitchen) as leverage and manages to force the door closed. Content he presses the on button and walks off.
Fast forward to him in a sparklingly clean kitchen, washing up drying in the draining rack, on the phone to his GF, the phone tucked between his head and shoulder as he uses his hands to empty machine.
Telephone conversation
'.....yes, I've cleaned the lounge.(she speaks).....and the kitchen..(she speaks).......yesss....and the bathroom....(she speaks)....what that?.....Oh I just used your dads squash racquet and poked it down..(she speaks)...well I'll wash it won't I !!.(defensively).....(she speaks)...you know once you start it's quite theraputic really.........(he holds one of her blouses up to look at it)...(all through the conversation he's been reaching in, pulling out, holding aloft, folding and putting the clothes in the basket on the work surface) (back to the phone conversation)
she speaks).....the cat?....no I haven't seen her all day......must be out.....(she speaks)...well I haven't heard the cat flap go...(she speaks)..haven't you (implying that she has just told him that she hasn't got a catflap)....maybe she's alseep somewhere then.......(she speaks).....does she...aaaaahhhhhh...(as in aint she cute)...what....in the washing basket? (half laughing)...(she speaks)......(his face turns serious as he looks down at the empty laundry basket on the kitchen floor) .(she speaks) he bends down still listening to her speak, and slowly, dreading, tentatively reaches into the washing machine and pulls out the flattened, sodden corpse of her black cat, flattened spread eagle).............
where it goes from there I don't know.
Anyway if you like it do what you want with it, if not don't worry, I can't tell if it's funny or not but you have to have a go at least.
Sorry about the spelling and gramma too!!!
People seem to like rape gags. Raped to death?
Smugged to death by Bussell?
Ah, Bussell, I was going to type 'raped by a dog' earlier, but I thought better of it. I'm learning!
Noggett,
Cheers man! Excellent advice. On this point, there **are** two "conspicious props" that I was considering involving. Have to think about it a bit more...
Karlos, that was funny stuff! The only thing is, this character is like the opposite of your character: the b/f in my screenplay is super neat and tidy LOL! Oh well, good ideas anyway, man 
David, I've actually got some rape gags in this screenplay. Yes, it's not the higest brow thing I've written to date, but it's good knockabout fun.
Nice one, Rick. 8)
Quote: Bryan Parry @ April 24 2010, 10:13 AM BSTHi guys, so what's the funniest way to kill a cat?
Bumming it.
Quote: karlosthegreat1 @ April 24 2010, 12:34 PM BSTHi,
I can't tell if it's funny or not but you have to have a go at least.Sorry about the spelling and gramma too!!!
Allow me to help.
No, it's not.
And if you are going to apologise for your grammar, at least learn to spell it.
Hmm you guys really can't do this stuff without me.
1 Cat litter tray filled with cement.
2 Over spring loaded cat flap decapitates cat.
3 Cat sticks it's head through slot in DVD tray, decapitated when it closes to fast.
4 Cat litter tray filled with quick sand.
5 Man drives by in a Lamborghini cat flys into it and is splattered (it's a literal pussy magnet).
6 Cat jumps on trampoline and flys into next door's shelter for hungry pit bulls.
7 Gets it's bottom taped up and explodes taking a shit.
8 Hunted by an undaventurous hunter who substitutes it for a tiger.
9 Vet picks up the cat and you ask them to put him down.
10 Your hit man chum is by the door and you ask them to take take the cat out.
Quote: Oldrocker @ April 24 2010, 11:28 PM BSTAllow me to help.
No, it's not.
And if you are going to apologise for your grammar, at least learn to spell it.
re spelling of 'gramma' I thought this was a comedy website? How apt you should have a picture of Hancock on your I.D. He was a miserable git too.
Oi, Hancock's a legend. But come on - lay off the grammatical nit-picking.
And Sootyj...what can I say? Ever worked with animals, at all?
Well "worked over" maybe.
I was a debt collector for Chappy.