Trampoline

TRAMPOLINE

INT. KITCHEN - DAY

DAD IS BUSYING HIMSELF. SUDDENLY HIS LITTLE KIDS (WENDY AND WILL) COME RUNNING IN FROM THE GARDEN.

WENDY

Dad, Dad! Next door have got a new trampoline!

WILL

Yeah, and it's bigger than ours!

DAD LOOKS ANGRY.

CUT TO:

VIEW OF THE GARDEN FROM THE KITCHEN; NEXT DOORS' KIDS INTERMITTENTLY APPEAR ABOVE THE DIVIDING FENCE.

CUT TO:

DAD

Right! We can't have that!

FADE TO:

EXT. FRONT OF HOUSE - DAY

DAD WAVES TO A MAN GETTING IN A VAN.

FADE TO:

INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY

CAMERA SHOOTS ABOVE WAIST HEIGHT. WENDY AND WILL ARE SEEMINGLY BOUNCING UP AND DOWN, THEY EMIT SQUEALS OF DELIGHT. ENTER DAD, BOUNCING IN TO THE ROOM.

DAD

Good, isn't it?!

KIDS

(IN UNISON)Yeah!

DAD

Much better than what they've got next door?!

KIDS

(IN UNISON)Yeah!

FX:

FRONT DOOR SLAMMING. MUM BOUNCING IN TO THE LIVING ROOM. THE FAMILY ALL BOUNCE UP AND DOWN AS THEY CONVERSE.

MUM

What in god's name is going on? What's happened to my wood floors?

DAD

It's a trampoline floor!

MUM

What?! Why?!

DAD

Oh, next door got a bigger trampoline than us.

MUM

So?

DAD

So I had all our floors converted to trampolines.

MUM

Upstairs as well?!

DAD

(PROUDLY) Yup!

FADE TO:

INT. KITCHEN - NIGHT

MUM IS BOUNCING UP AND DOWN AT THE WORK TOP HOLDING A KNIFE AND TRYING, BUT FAILING, TO CHOP A CARROT.

MUM

Daaaaaave! (DAD BOUNCES NEXT TO HER)

DAD

You called?

MUM

(ANGRILY) This isn't going to work!

END OF SKETCH

Like it but it might be slightly too long. How about:

MUM

What in god's name is going on? What's happened to my wood floors?

DAD

Trampoline floor! That'll shut that ponce up next door. Where's the baby?

A BABY SUDDENLY FLIES INTO VIEW

BABY

Weeeee!!!

*********

(The baby would have to be a plastic one I think. I don't think under 1s are eligible to join equity.)

It's a lovely idea, but you could definitely cut it down a bit.

Yes, nice idea. By the way it was written I thought he was ging to have torn his house down and put up house-size bouncy castle.

Thanks for the feedback.

General consensus = cut it down, I can see where you're all coming from but in my head it all makes sense and each little scene serves a function, I suppose the final scene is the most at risk of being cut but I like the thought of someone pretending to be on a trampoline and trying to chop vegetables at the same time.

The other alternative was that the kids bounce up and hit their heads on the ceiling a the end of the penultimate scene.

Thanks again!

Quote: The Giggle-o @ April 20 2010, 12:43 PM BST

Thanks for the feedback.

General consensus = cut it down, I can see where you're all coming from but in my head it all makes sense and each little scene serves a function, I suppose the final scene is the most at risk of being cut but I like the thought of someone pretending to be on a trampoline and trying to chop vegetables at the same time.

View original

I think for me it was Neighbour rivalry. I know that it is the reason for the Trampoline floors but after that It doesn't seem to be needed.
Or rather It get's mentioned 3 times or so but it doesn't really play much of a part.
I think I'd find it a bit more satisfying if we were given some kind of impression that there is an ongoing rivalry between the Neighbours about a number of things. or if not just see if the mentions are all necessary.

Also the Wife doesn't really have much of a reaction either way.

Id either have her as angry as a normal person would be.
Or Instantly know what it was all about because she's seen it so often.
Oh Trampoline Floors! Is it next door again?

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ April 20 2010, 1:09 PM BST

I think for me it was Neighbour rivalry. I know that it is the reason for the Trampoline floors but after that It doesn't seem to be needed.
Or rather It get's mentioned 3 times or so but it doesn't really play much of a part.
I think I'd find it a bit more satisfying if we were given some kind of impression that there is an ongoing rivalry between the Neighbours about a number of things. or if not just see if the mentions are all necessary.

Also the Wife doesn't really have much of a reaction either way.

Id either have her as angry as a normal person would be.
Or Instantly know what it was all about because she's seen it so often.
Oh Trampoline Floors! Is it next door again?

View original

Great help Steve, thanks! I was thinking of it as a part of a 'competitive neighbours' kind of runner, so your suggestions are really helpful! Mum's nonplussed reaction, as she is used to it is a good one.

Thanks

I like it Adam. Good bit of advice from Steve there too.

I was let down by the ending if anything. I was expecting another twist or a remedial reponse from dad. For an alternative ending - I like the idea of the next door neighbours entire house bouncing up and down? ...and the kids shouting "Daaaaaaaad" in unison.

Definite runner with competitive neighbours.

You could cut it down but it is a lovely idea and dad is very nicely realised