I've written a sitcom...

...And I've been led here for informed feedback. I've sent it to friends who like the same things I do, but everyone's being very complimentary, I want to know what's WRONG with it, not what's right.

I'm guessing this is the right place for that? I won't post it now, it's like 26 pages long, and I doubt anyone's willing to read the whole of something without knowing what it is... I'll post a synopsis, and if you'd like to read it, I'll post the rest.

Write What You Know - a sitcom.

Dan Young lied to his (now ex) girlfriend. He told her he was a writer, because his real job just wasn't interesting enough. After a drunken night out and some sage advice from a bathroom attendant he decides to actually try being a writer, but discovers the motto Write What You Know doesn't apply if you don't know anything. So with the help of flatmate Ellie, they set about having experiences worth writing about, based on the plots of other books.

So, that's my idea. I'm pretty happy with the script, but I'm convinced there's stuff I'm missing.. or stuff that is a bit shit but I can't quite see it.. If you'd like to read it, I'd be happy to post it.. and if no one replies, then I'll probably post it anyway. So there.

Thanks!

26 pages isn't a lot really, especially if it's for a 30 minute pilot. You'll need a bit more, usually about 50 pages, but post it anyway so people can get a look at your writing style.

Really? I've been going on the thinking that one page of script equals one minute of screen time.. Either way, here's a link to the .PDF hope you like it.

v.1 http://img341.imageshack.us/img341/9936/wwyk8.pdf
v.2 http://img15.imageshack.us/img15/3333/allchange.pdf

Word count is a better guide, aim for somewhere close to six thousand and you should be about right.

Hmm, it's 5000-ish - might need a bit of fleshing out..

..but in what areas?

If you're writing a sitcom, remember that they don't feature too many characters or settings. Your main setting should probably be Dan's house. You have an exterior setting (Amy's house); an office; a pub; a nightclub; a wine bar; interior shots at Amy's house; Alex and Annie's house and a Library. Phew! I reckon Dan's house, Ellie's workplace and the pub should do fine.

The premise seems interesting - a kind of cross between Be Kind Rewind and My Name Is Earl - but what are your characters fatal flaws that would make any situation they're put in comical? Dan lies to his girlfriend, could this be a flaw worth exploiting? A bad liar who keeps digging himself deeper and deeper is a good starting point for comedy.

An area where you could 'flesh out' could be the police man's visit after the burglary - you deal with this encounter in a single sentence, but a hapless liar being asked to describe the contents of his laptop's hard drive (She-male porn) and trying to skirt around the truth, is funny.

I liked the fact that Dan didn't know which house his girlfriend lived at, the Samaritans rant is good - Ellie's flaw is clearly that she is completely insensitive, but can't see it. You need to look at situations that draw out the worst (and the best, sometimes) of your characters for comic effect.

The script feels more like a film script than a sitcom, or maybe a comedy drama. Sitcoms usually don't move rapidly from place to place with tons of montages, flashbacks and the like. You finally get to Dan's house on page 13. Personally, I think you should start from here and let the 'back story' unfold through conversation and maybe some flashback, but keep that to a minimum. Do more with insensitive Ellie in her wholly unsuitable job.

Don't take any of this as gospel - there are plenty of other, much more qualified writers on this forum - this is just what I've picked up through experience and feedback from people in the business who know what they're talking about.

Keep writing and I look forward to reading more of your stuff.

Read upto page 8.

The lads in the pub have some nice witty bantery stuff going on. And I like the girl's personality also revealing her through her job is a nice touch well executed.

Issues.

1 the intro is 2 very very old jokes, the smashing windows joke may well predate the invention of glass

2 the lads discussion is riddled with exposition, which is a shame as you introduced the girl quite nicely.

3 by a 3rd in very little has happened. these kind of intro bits should be done in only a few pages.

4 samaritans rape rant was funny but very post watershed, theres not that many slots for peep show adult sitcoms.

Agree with Sootyj on the content. Remember that you're trying to get this on television.

Oh, thank you very much

That's all good stuff, actually thanks! I like the idea of the police questioning him, and I thought about having him be a compulsive liar but abandoned it.. might dig that one up again though. Not sure how to keep the locations down without completely uprooting the whole script and starting over - might not be a bad idea? Haven't thought about showing more of Ellie at work, I just liked the idea of the person on the other end of phone counseling her not the other way round..

Maybe what I'm writing isn't a sitcom? I was thinking tonally of something a bit like Free Agents mixed with a dash of Nathan Barley and a bit of Spaced. It would have a different theme each week, so each episode would have a different feel (a bit like My Life In Film but I'm trying to avoid comparisons with that - I much prefer my name is earl meets be kind rewind!)

Thanks very much for taking the time to read it. I'm changing stuff all the time, so I'll probably knock up a version with some extended Ellie, and try and remove some of the locations.

Nice one!

Cool, look forward to it.

"The lads in the pub have some nice witty bantery stuff going on. And I like the girl's personality also revealing her through her job is a nice touch well executed.

Issues.

1 the intro is 2 very very old jokes, the smashing windows joke may well predate the invention of glass

2 the lads discussion is riddled with exposition, which is a shame as you introduced the girl quite nicely.

3 by a 3rd in very little has happened. these kind of intro bits should be done in only a few pages.

4 samaritans rape rant was funny but very post watershed, theres not that many slots for peep show adult sitcoms."

Right, OK - so whittle some of that expo away.. Like do I need that opening with Dan breaking the window? (also, is that bit with the flowers from curb your enthusiasm? someone mentioned it was..) It could be a lot shorter.. having him waking up in a park or something? I also guess they don't need to be discussing what he did the night before if we've just seen it - it was just a setup for that 'its written all over your face' gag, which I thought was kind of funny.. You stopped reading about 4 pages before the concept is introduced - should I introduce it sooner?

Thanks so much for your comments, it's all really helpful

Quote: maffew @ April 18 2010, 9:23 PM BST

Right, OK - so whittle some of that expo away.

View original

All exposition should be concealed, rather than whittled down.

Quote: maffew @ April 18 2010, 9:23 PM BST

You stopped reading about 4 pages before the concept is introduced - should I introduce it sooner

View original

Take a look at the (yes, everyone knows what I'm going to say...) Frasier pilot. Opening scene clearly and quickly establishes the nature and tone of the brothers' relationship; their foibles (Niles' hygiene fetish, chair wiping, etc); the premise (Frasier's dream of his new life is to disrupted by his old ties - he's lumbered with his dad, a kooky live-in maid, and competitiveness with his brother is back stronger than ever). All this is set up in a masterclass of hit-the-ground-running writing with gags banging in and driving plot from the off.

I watch it regularly just for the Wow! factor.

Quote: SlagA @ April 18 2010, 9:41 PM BST

All exposition should be concealed, rather than whittled down.

Take a look at the (yes, everyone knows what I'm going to say...) Frasier pilot. Opening scene clearly and quickly establishes the nature and tone of the brothers' relationship; their foibles (Niles' hygiene fetish, chair wiping, etc); the premise (Frasier's dream of his new life is to disrupted by his old ties - he's lumbered with his dad, a kooky live-in maid, and competitiveness with his brother is back stronger than ever). All this is set up in a masterclass of hit-the-ground-running writing with gags banging in and driving plot from the off.

I watch it regularly just for the Wow! factor.

View original

It is amazing - Frasier is spectacularly written (by, I imagine a group of very talented writers) but it's also very different (and much better) than what I'm writing. that's not to say your advice isn't good, I watched a lot of sitcoms while writing this to try and get a feel of where things should go, and I'm still fiddling with it all.. I'll try and get the concept in earlier.. in fact, it might be better to have them do something at the end of the episode and get the concept out of the way in the earlier scenes..maybe they could get robbed in the middle instead of the end, and spend the rest of the episode trying to catch the thief?

thought I'd try getting rid of the first scene and sticking something totally different in there..Think maybe the bit with the trousers is a little obvious, but I think it's alright?

FADE IN

PLAYGROUND - MORNING

Children come running through the school gates making noise and shouting.

CLOSE UP

DAN YOUNG (26) His eyes open, saliva has dried around his mouth. We pull back - he is underneath a jungle gym, which kids have started climbing on and banging noisily.

Dan sits up quickly and children reach through the bars and pull his hair and poke his face.

Several half empty cans of strong lager roll out from under him, and into the hands of the playing children.

Dan, still dazed pats himself down and finds his packet of cigarettes in his jacket pocket, pops one in his mouth and lights it.

DAN
You know what?

SMALL CHILD
What?

DAN
Don't bother with women. They'll f**k you around and use you and before you know it... You're sat under a jungle gym talking to little kids. Do you have a girlfriend?

He offers the child a cigarette. But takes them back before the child can decide.

SMALL CHILD
No, girls smell!

DAN
Exactly. Don't you ever forget that, either. Girls do smell.

SMALL CHILD
Of poo and wee!

DAN
Spot on, matey - just keep that up, you'll live a long and happy life. Trust me.

The child laughs and pulls Dans hair.

SMALL CHILD
What's wrong with you?

DAN
How long have you got?

A TEACHER comes out into the playground ringing a bell and calling for the children.

DAN
Shit!

The teacher sees the children holding beer and Dan smoking under the jungle gym.

TEACHER
Excuse me? Excuse me!

Dan turns around.

DAN
Hi - don't mind me, we're just... Having a chat - I got dumped last night.

TEACHER
Where are your trousers?

Dan isn't wearing any trousers.

DAN
On the slide, I think. Should I? ...I'll go get them.
(to the child)
Thanks mate - good talk.

SMALL CHILD
Bye!

Nice scene.

When you talk of concept, what exactly are you referring to? For some reason I assumed premise.

Quote: SlagA @ April 18 2010, 10:09 PM BST

Nice scene.

When you talk of concept, what exactly are you referring to? For some reason I assumed premise.

View original

Did you read it? The concept is for Dan to become a writer, but he doesn't know anything worth writing, so him and Ellie take the plots of famous books and reenact them in order to have some experiences that are worth writing down.. at the end of the episode he gets robbed, and checks out a raymond chandler novel, and decides the first chapter of his book should be called the detectives, since the police couldn't help find the perpetrator the next episode would be him and ellen 'being detectives' and trying to find his missing stuff...