Crap @ topical - need help (sketch incl)

How do?

Right then - never cracked Treason Show, though Mark has emailed about a couple of sketches so they must've got close. 2 sketches in NewsRevue. I'd guess I've sent 30 in total.

However, all is not lost, I've got myself a new system, which produced the following. ANY tips, including yours Empty, would be grand xxx

ELLIE runs onto the stage from the left, scared.

ELLIE
Help! Help! He's gaining on me. If only there was some sort of believable superhero on hand to save me.

iMan steps out from stage right. He wears a cardboard box on his head and stands magnificently.

ELLIE
Thank God you're here, er, Iron Man?

iMAN
Iron Man? That decrepit, drug-happy hunk of junk? No! I'm iMan. Here: buy this phone.

ELLIE
Er, no thanks. I'm being chased.

iMAN
Then buy this phone; call for help.

ELLIE
Look, is Iron Man not about?

iMAN
Alright. Forget about the phone. How about this iPad? iPhone, iPod & iMac, all in one.

ELLIE
I don't want an iPad. Period.

(BEAT)

iMAN
You sick bastard.

Iron Man steps out from stage right. He's knackered and wears a far inferior cardboard box.

ELLIE
Argh! That's him!

iMAN
Iron Man, you rough-edged sack of shit. Is that a banana box?

ELLIE
What? If you're Iron Man, why were you chasing me?

IRON MAN
To save you. From iMAN.

ELLIE
Ah. That didn't really work out for you, did it?

IRON MAN
Not as well as I hoped, no.

ELLIE
He wants me to buy his iPad.

IRON MAN
Pah! Nothing but an electronic sanitary towel.

iMAN
Then your mum should really get one. Robofanny.

IRON MAN
You bastard.

iMAN
Your day is done, old man. Look how sleek I look. Feel my rounded edges.

IRON MAN
Get to safety girl, I'll handle him.

IRON MAN robotically moves towards iMAN, who laughs and pulls back his coat to reveal a t-shirt encrusted with buttons. He presses one, and IRON MAN slaps himself across the face. This happens again, then again before iMAN presses some different buttons.

IRON MAN
Drugs, drugs, lovely drugs. Yes, I'll do Ally McBeal. Sequel! Sequel! Iron Man Seven. I'm a cock.

iMAN
See, girl? There really is an app for just about anything.

ELLIE
Let me see.

ELLIE presses a button and her boobs visibly largen.

ELLIE
My hero!

I'll be honest, I've never written a sketch for either of the shows (I'd never even heard of them until about a month ago), but from what I can gather sketches need to be very simple and minimal. I just think that a sketch with Iron Man and a woman's boobs visibly increasing in size may be a bit too difficult to pull off, and may be passed up for something simpler. So maybe try to simplify it a bit to make it easier to produce?

Cheers CJ. I'm not sure. I'm not too concerned about production values, the cardboard boxes are alright I reckon - and you'd be amazed what can be achieved in the breastal department with a coathanger (I may very well change the ending) - it's more the actual writing I worry about.

It's very rare I see or hear something topical that I find all that funny, and then, charlatan that I am, I try to write it. It's all a tad formulaic for me, but I'm really working to get a bit better at it.

Quote: Rick Allden @ April 8 2010, 8:04 PM BST

I'm not too concerned about production values, the cardboard boxes are alright I reckon

View original

Hi Rick

Sorry, I disagree, I think any costume/props would get you straight into the no pile regardless of the quality of the sketch.

Some funny lines in there.

I thought the sketch didn't really have a specific target though. Are you making fun of iPads? Or Iron Man? If so I'd go after them a bit harder. iPads came out of this looking quite good. One criticism of iPads is that everyone wants one but no one knows what they're going to use it for.

And the lines I enjoyed the most were the more subtle lines which potentially might only get smiles instead of belly laughs when performed on stage. e.g.

Quote: Rick Allden @ April 8 2010, 8:04 PM BST

ELLIE
Ah. That didn't really work out for you, did it?

IRON MAN
Not as well as I hoped, no.

View original

Made me chuckle. Good luck!

Critique Disclaimer: I literally don't know what the hell I'm talking about when it comes to topical news comedy!!

Cheers Shoepie.

The thing about costume or props is that it works if you make a joke out of it - the cardboard boxes seem fine to me if I'm being completely objective. I've seen similar staged, I've stage similar and stuff I've seen them do has had similar. I agree with the sentiment, mind - but I reckon the boxes at least work and would look funny, if the material warranted it...

And that's the other point - you're absolutely right - I've juxtaposed a couple of ideas and the bridge between them is knackered. I'll definitely work on that - give the iPad some more grief - nice one.

I'll have to cut some of the rest of the sketch mind - as they tend to be a 2 page ish limit. Gah!

Hi Rick.

I think CJ has hit on a valid point. I don't think you will get this on stage. Because of that. Its a stage show. They have to change costumes in almost seconds. Anything complex like breasts getting bigger is out the window.

I personally didn't find the sketch funny. But that is just me.

The IPad theme is good. But NR / Treason normally like to use celb characters. Is Steve Jobs head of apple? Not sure. If so, write it with him as the iMan.

I think you have the crude factor about right. NR have only used my crudest sketches

I also think it was a bit long for the show.

Sorry not many tips on the "writing" but hope it was of some help.

Not a problem, Bigfella, I appreciate it.

I won't repeat my previous points, as I'll sound like a T**t. I suppose I see there being no issue as I work in theatre meself, and put plays/sketches on with that sort of basic prop all the time. But there I go, repeating myself again...

Fair point on unfunniness. I don't find it that funny, but in honesty, I struggle to think of a topical sketch that I've ever found funny. I know, I know - that should stop me writing them but I've had tiny success before, and I've seen some absolute shoite too.

You're right about length too, I reckon. I've seen longer, but they've been far better.

Why don't you try working on a genre you DO find funny? Re props, if the sketch is funny enough it can justify the effort in making some props. But I don't think this is, and what's more, I don't think you do either.

I know what you're saying Krusty, and I do work in other areas that I enjoy and I do ok out of it.

This is an area though where you can get paid, and I have, so I want to work at it. It's a fair point though - the sketch has to be funny enough to warrant the extra work of the props, something I was missing.

Good idea but to complex and to much explanation.

Also iron man to iman is a bit of a mouthful. Maybe if he was just iman without the iron man references?

Also the prop budget is about 20 quid and they generally spend it on sketches that really interest them.

Cheers Sooty - I think you've hit nail on head about complexity. I'm trying to fuse two things that aint working - and the length is dictated by the need to explain it all.

And it's not funny of course, but I'm working around that

I think with satire you have to be trying to say something simple, but definitely say somehting.

In this case maybe iman is the superhero expects everything from but; his battery runs out, he's useless or you have to pay for the app?

Perhaps his villain is the blackberry?

Soots - exactly the kind of advice I'm after - great suggestions - ta very much.