Missing

EXT. WOODED AREA - DAY

JAMES AND SARAH STAND NEXT TO A THICKET. OTHER PEOPLE ARE LOOKING IN THE BUSHES NEARBY.

SARAH

(DESPERATE) We're not going to find him alive are we?

JAMES

Don't say that Sarah! We've only been looking for a week.

SARAH

I don't...I just don't think we're going to...(SHE FALLS IN TO JAMES' ARMS AND SOBS)

SUDDENLY LOUD DANCE MUSIC IS HEARD APPROACHING. PETE AND LARS COME IN TO SHOT, THEY ARE A PAIR OF DESPERATE-LOOKING CLUBBERS (LATE 30s), WITH DAYGLO PAINT STREAKED OVER THEIR FACES. SARAH IS AGHAST.

JAMES

(SHOUTS OVER MUSIC) What in god's name are you doing?!

LARS AND PETE DANCE SUGGESTIVELY UP AGAINST ONE ANOTHER TO THE LOUD MUSIC. JAMES SNATCHES THE GHETTO BLASTER AND TURNS OFF THE MUSIC.

LARS

Whoa, Chief Superintendent Boring of the fun police, what are you up to?!

JAMES

That's what I just asked you idiots!

PETE

Isn't it obvious? (HE POINTS TO THEIR CLUBBING CLOTHES)

JAMES

No.

LARS

We're here for the search PARTY! (DANCES WITH PETE) Woop, woop, woop!

JAMES

No, this is the search party. (HE POINTS TO THE PEOPLE LOOKING IN THE BUSHES)

PETE

So where's D.J. Freddie Smith?

JAMES

Freddie isn't a D.J. he's our ten year old son and he's gone missing, that's why we're searching for him!

LARS

But we got this flier. (HOLDS IT UP) 'Search party. 3 o'clock on the far field'. And in the picture he's wearing super cool, big D.J. headphones!

SARAH

They're not headphones they were his favourite ear muffs! (RESUMES SOBBING)

JAMES

Look, you're upsetting my wife; just leave!

PETE

Well, now we're here we'll help you! (BEATBOXES) Boom, chick, boom, chick!

JAMES

Fine, we haven't checked the copse over there yet. But don't get in people's way!

LARS

Cool!

LARS AND PETER WALK OFF.

JAMES

(SHAKING HEAD) I can't believe they thought this was an actual party! Hopefully, I won't regret letting them...

ALL OF A SUDDEN THERE IS AN INTERMITTENT LOUD WHISTLE. SARAH SHOOTS OUT FROM JAMES' CHEST.

SARAH

Freddie?! Have you found Freddie?!

CUT TO:

LARS BLOWING ON HIS PARTY WHISTLE WHILST PETE WRITHES; THEY TURN AROUND AND PUT THEIR HANDS UP APOLGOGETICALLY.

THE END

Another cracker. Flowed really well. Could picture this in my head. I really like the ending with the whistle and hands up apology.

Cheers Craig.

I was hoping I'd painted a clear enough picture of what I had in mind. I can't help but feel the dialogue could do with a nip/tuck though.

Yeah quite liked this. The ear muff joke was good and so was the ending

Cheers Ric.

Does anyone have any pointers of how to make this better or just harsh criticisms? because it isn't quite working how I'd hoped. I think it feels a bit hurried once it's established that it isn't actually a party. Dunno.

I'd think you could cut the middle out to make it a bit quicker. It's quite good though a little dark.

Cheers Gav. Having read it again and again Lars and Pete are effectively the same character so I could probably just write it with just one of them. Thinking out loud.

I do like it but although I like dark and it is dark, It seems a little blunt to me. Could you set it at some kind of registration for joining the search?

Still like though, Gavin's probably right about a bit of trim,

>SARAH SHOOTS OUT FROM JAMES' CHEST.

Blimey I thought this was a scene from ALIEN !

Quote: billwill @ March 31 2010, 7:18 PM BST

>SARAH SHOOTS OUT FROM JAMES' CHEST.

Blimey I thought this was a scene from ALIEN !

View original

Cheers Rich. I'll try to be more considerate towards my fictional characters next time.

Quote: The Giggle-o @ March 31 2010, 7:25 PM BST

Cheers Rich. I'll try to be more considerate towards my fictional characters next time.

View original

Nice and dark, I liked it a lot.

I reckon you could take out the first 3 lines, they are repeated elsewhere. Just start with James asking what they think they're doing.

"Whoa, Chief Superintendent Boring of the fun police, what are you up to?!"

This line didn't seem very convincing IMO

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ March 31 2010, 9:25 PM BST

"Whoa, Chief Superintendent Boring of the fun police, what are you up to?!"

This line didn't seem very convincing IMO

View original

Nope. I hate it, it makes me cringe.

Cheers AB and SS.

Quote: The Giggle-o @ March 31 2010, 9:29 PM BST

Nope. I hate it, it makes me cringe.

View original

I wouldn't go that far, It's a funny line, it just seemed a bit out of character.