Hello,
I've written a script that I'm going to try submit a few places. It will likely end in abject failure, so I thought no harm in sharing it here for people to remark upon if they had the time.
Cheers for any feedback
[Updated] http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/attachment.php?attachmentid=110053&d=1270637260
Hi KDancin,
I wasn't sure about a lot of this to be honest. I was confused by the whole war aspect which seemed to occupy the first half of the script but was almost never mentioned once it moved into the dating. It was confusing. I only read on from about page 18 to see if the Dom storyline was resolved but it was never mentioned again. As a consequence, it didn't really work for me, it wasn't cohesive and felt like two different scripts had been tacked together. I didn't think there was an obvious plot or story that ran through the entire piece.
I know you stated at the start that Butler was a servant but, particularly at first, he seemed to be just one of the others, chipping in and bantering with the rest and this, to me, seemed at odds with his position. I'm not sure when it was supposed to be set, in the near future?, but butlers aren't particularly common and yet you have two in your script and it isn't made clear why their employers take them everywhere as if they were just mates.
All of the main characters seemed very similar and it wasn't possible to tell who was speaking without looking at their name. More deffinition in speech patterns and characterisation is needed.
There were, I felt, inconsistent references to the bombing, twice stating that the bombs were smart and that there was not a single casualty in 200plus days of conflict, and then somone saying that people might have been killed in the attacks on China. This just felt as if it hadn't been thought through.
On the whole, there wasn't much that made me laugh but a standout was 'From tum to bum in 30 minutes.' Laughed out loud.
The spooning bit at the end was also funny but seemed completely at odds with everything that had gone before.
There also seemed to be some typos and instances where the character name may have been wrong.
Sorry, just not for me.
Hi Steve.
Sometimes it can be difficult taking criticism, but thanks.
I don't enjoy criticism, but I know I thrive on it. So bring it on.
I accept much of what you say. I suppose I was trying to have the war as a "backdrop" as it were - and hence the intro being weighted towards it - to help paint a picture.
I also somewhat concur about characters being perhaps somewhat homogenous, but I don't know - lots of characters in shows are similar on paper - the way they are acted and developed is important
Really appreciate the comments though. Much to think about. I really hope other people can add to the commentary.
ps.
regarding the specifics -
the butler thing I just think could be interesting. the whole thing is surreal anyway.
the bomb issue I must rectify.
Didn't have time to read all but main comment (apart from echoing Steve) is that the long long radio dialogue doesn't seem a great way to start a sitcom pilot. You can say it's setting a scene but it's hard to cram in the jokes and you're leaving one of the main avenues for TV comedy (the visuals) unused or, at least, not fully exploited. Just having silent food fights for several minutes isn't going to work, in my mind. There are probably more elegant ways to set up the premise quickly and less obtrusively. My suggestion below probably isn't one of those ways though.
Perhaps one way would be to have the main characters in a setting like the old RAF Battle of Britain control room but modernised. They could be discussing the stocks, having the cutaways, etc while the butler moves stocks and armies over the board. At least, you'd avoid the lengthy setting up of premise by putting them in a setting that we all recognise and you could cut to the meat of the matter faster?
Hello,
I've taken on advice here and on another forum and updated this script.
Specific items
- character personalities brought out further in speech and behaviour
- increased character conflicts
- strengthened core story arc significantly
- removed any radio pieces
I'd be very very grateful for anyone who takes the time to read it.
Attachment http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/attachment.php?attachmentid=110053&d=1270637260
Introduction
SCENE 1 - Introduction to the war
OPEN TO COMPLETE DARKNESS.
BLACK SCREEN. SOUND ONLY.
NEWSREADER USA
(AMERICAN ACCENT, IN WHISPERED INCREDULOUS TONE)
Incredible scenes, I'm on 5th Avenue in Manhatten, on the 55th floor of the strikingly tall Envoy building.
(SOUND OF EXPLOSIONS)
Oh my God, incredible - the sky is pockmarked with amber and gold explosions. The initial explosions are giving way to a cascade of submunitions descending in arcs into the desolate and ravaged city of New York.
I don't know if you can capture the sounds, but - my God, it's incredible.
It's a POW-POW, WHIIISP, CRAKKK.
The explosions are followed by a sharp hissing and cracking, and the bomblets, like embers, are dropping almost elegantly into the city below.
CUT TO TV NEWSREADER
NEWSREADER (PRIMARY)
(DISTINCTLY BRITISH ACCENT, CIGAR CHEWING SATISFACTION)
Ah hah. We got em!
CUT TO THE OFFICE.
MARTIN, BUTLER AND DOM WATCHING THE TV.
SITTING ON COUCH WITH CRISPS AND SNACKS ON COFFEE TABLE.
MARTIN
(GENUINE EXCITEMENT, DOES GUN SOUNDS AND ACTIONS. JUMPING UP AND DOWN. TRYING TO ENCOURAGE OTHERS)
Whoo. Peow Peow! Peow Peow! Peow Peow!
DOM
(DOES GUN SOUNDS AND ACTIONS, BUT NOT NATURALLY AS ENTHUSED AS MARTIN)
Yea. Peow Peow! Yea yea.
BUTLER
(VERY EXCITED BUT RESTRAINED)
Good Heavens!
FACES RETURN TO WATCHING TV.
NEWSREADER (PRIMARY)
(BRITISH ACCENT)
The war is now 150 days old. At last we have struck! - at the heart! - of the enemy!
Ah hah.
(CUPS HIS EAR AS RECEIVING WORD IN EARPIECE)
Word now is that it is our allies in Russia are credited for the scenes in New York City...
(SOME STATIC IS HEARD)
oh oh... oh oh... Ah. Ah very good. Our Russian correspondent is on the line, Viktor Viktor Putin:
NEWSREADER REMAINS ON SCREEN BUT A PICTURE OF RUSSIAN CORRESPONDENT TAKES UP HALF THE SCREEN. CLICHED RUSSIAN PHOTO.
RUSSIA CORRESPONDENT
(RUSSIAN ACCENT, VERY SLOW WITTED)
Viktor, -- Viktor, ---- Viktor. Can you hear me?
NEWSREADER (PRIMARY)
Yes Viktor. I can hear you.
And yes, my name is also Viktor.
Greetings.
RUSSIA CORRESPONDENT
Ah good. Viktor.
We have struck! - at the heart! - of the enemy!
NEWSREADER (PRIMARY)
(INCREDULOUS)
I just made the very same observation.