'Frames' - a sample

This is a bit of my sitcom which i am currently writing and i would just like any feedback. The sitcom is set in a gallery and Oli and Katie are slightly in love. Thanks!

Frames

Episode 4- Theft

Act 1 Scene 1

INT. ALTERNATES BETWEEN THE GALLERY AND CASEY’S, NIGHT
[Oli, Ju, Nick and Katie are in Casey’s; Ju is playing pool against Nick while Katie and Oli awkwardly look at each other]

Ju
I call this next shot ‘The scream’, watch carefully. That goes for you two aswell!

[Ju lines up, flexes his fingers and pushes the cue forward. He pots 3 balls in one shot, Nick puts both hands on his face and opens his mouth in amazement clearly resembling ‘the scream’]

Katie
Why do you call it the scream?

Ju [Smiling]
No reason.

[CUTS TO THE GALLERY]

INT. THE GALLERY, NIGHT
[An unidentified figure moves slowly through the gallery looking from side to side at the artwork. He takes a piece of paper out of his pocket and shines a torch at it. It reads ‘A meeting of minds’, he continues into the gallery]

[CUTS TO CASEY’S]

Ju [slightly drunk]
Whose round is it?

Oli
I got the last one, Nick?

Nick
It’s Roger’s turn.

Katie
Who is Roger?

Ju
Well when Nick gets a bit tipsy, his friend Roger appears. He is like an imaginary friend that arrives when Nick is inebriated.

[A man is seen behind Ju, he is raising a glass of beer while looking at Nick. Nick raises his own beer to the man and smiles broadly]

Ju
Ok well, how about I get a round of Van Gogh’s in?

Nick
Good thinking!

[Ju approaches the bar and makes his order]

Oli
What is a Van Gogh?

Ju
Well its lemonade and lime cordial with a dash of rum, vodka and a measure of absinthe.

Katie
Sounds interesting [Pause] why is it called a Van Gogh?

Nick
Because when you’ve got through one of those the ringing in your ears will be so bad you will want to cut them off.

[Nick and Ju laugh maniacally, Ju returns to the table with 4 green drinks. Nick and Ju both pick theirs up and raise it to their lips before stopping and look at Oli and Katie.]

Nick and Ju [in unison, slightly eerily]
Join us.

[Oli and Katie look at each other and then the drinks, they stretch out trembling hands, background music turns dark. They both pick up their drinks which appear to be glowing and raise it to their lips]

[CUTS TO THE GALLERY]

[The unidentified man continues to search the corridors and duck under surveillance cameras. He passes a framed picture of Ju, Oli and Nick on the gift shop counter. He continues to walk and then turns his head and notices a picture. He approaches the picture and unclips the barrier and steps closer.]

[CUTS TO THE OUTSIDE OF THE PUB]

[Nick and Ju are arm in arm walking down the road]

Nick
You know its funny but my ears are fine, I must be getting used to the absinthe.

[The two laugh]

Ju
Maybe this is a sign Nick; our bodies are so used to these strangely colored poisons that they don’t hurt us anymore. We are [Pause] immune.

Nick
Like Superheroes!

[Nick stares at his hands]

Ju
More like mutants, we have been mutated into stronger beings and now are unaffected.

Nick
Maybe we should fight crime?

Ju
You just want to see me in Lycra, don’t you?

Nick
Not really, after the Christmas production last year.

[Flashback: A group of women in pink tutus enter the stage followed by Ju in a tutu and Lycra, they act out a routine]

Nick [To a member of the audience, as if Ju was his child]
That ones mine.

[Flashback ends, Nick frowns]

Nick
I was thinking more along the lines of Denim and satin? With some masks…

[Nick tales off as him and Ju disappear from sight, behind them Katie and Oli are holding their ears as they follow the path Nick and Ju have set. They are staggering]

Oli [in pain]
The pain!

Katie
Do you think we are close to the flat?

Oli [having misheard, he believes Katie said ‘do you think I’m fat?’]
No I think you’re a very well proportioned woman. I’d describe you as curvaceous.

Katie [having also misheard]
Yes it’s very spacious, great view aswell.

[CUT TO THE GALLERY]

[The man inspects the picture and once more checks the name on the paper. As he puts the paper back in his pocket the paper falls to the floor. He removes the painting from the wall. A voice is heard]

Night guard
I know you’re in here somewhere. When I get hold of you, you’ll be sorry. Come out and show yourself!

[The thief puts the barrier back up; he turns on some ‘Splinter Cell’ night vision goggles and locates the man. He crawls along the floor and slides through the man’s legs. The man who is carrying a torch continues to walk forward. The thief slides through the open front door and locks it again from the outside.]

[CUT TO THE FLAT]

[Everyone is asleep, in the foreground the clock changes from 3:46 to 3:47 then a distant sound is heard. Like a phone ringing. Ju sits bolt upright]

Ju
The art phone!

[Ju runs into the sitting room and pulls a book down on his book shelf, the shelf swings forward to reveal a secret room. Oli, Nick and Katie follow Ju in and they notice a red phone ringing. Ju clears his throat and picks up the phone.]

Ju [suspiciously]
Hello?

[Ju listens down the phone]

Ju
Oh my god.

[Ju listens down the phone]

Ju
No, we’ll be there straight away.

[Ju puts the phone down, he looks pale]

Katie
What’s going on?

[Pause]

Ju
I’ll explain on the way, to the art mobile!

I'm going to be honest it seems very smug and self aware I dunno it didnt do it for me, didn't really offer anything new, but other than that well written and I think it had good pace.

its just my opinion though

I loved the way it was written, I liked the title put forward, and the plot certainly sounds progressing, but the only bits I found myself laughing at where the mishearing, and why they were called Van Goghs...and slightly at the art phone...did I miss something? sorry

Here is some feedback. It may seem quite negative but is intended to be constructive. I think your sample is better written, and possibly better conceived, than some of the others I've seen on various forums.

Personally, I was confused by the introduction of the gallery. I didn't get that it was dark initially and thought that the man was just visiting. This is because you say he was looking from side to side at the pictures, then there is a framed picture of the staff on the counter, then he notices the picture he's after, but it's so dark he can crawl between the security guards legs without being noticed. This didn't ring true to me I'm afraid.

I liked the Scream reference but thought that the imaginary friend came out of nowhere and didn't serve any purpose.

I was a bit confused too by them deciding that they were like superheroes but then later they seemed to have a secret room with a secret phone and a special vehicle, like they were already some kind of art based super heroes.

Also so of the dialogue was a bit clunky. I think 'Who is Roger?' should be 'Who's Roger?' or even 'Roger?' similarly, 'What is a Van Gough?' 'What's a Van Gough?' or 'A van Gough?'. Incidentally, If they worked and socialised together, I think they would probably already know what a VG was.

Having said all this, I would like to read more to give it some context as basically I liked the idea.

Thanks for all your feedback, i dont really understand what smug and self aware means. i agree the crawling through legs bit needs changing andd that at times the language is very 'clunky'. oli and katie are actually quite new to the group so i hope this explains the ignorance towards the drinks. i disagree with the imaginary friends apperance but will take your comments on board, it is simply meant to be a very very brief joke. Im very glad you all thought it was well written and had a few laughs. finally i don't really understand how you mean did i miss something as you say you had a few laughs and this is (you have to remember) just a single scene in an episode. but if you feel for the length you didn't get enough comedy i apologse! Thank you all for your criticism!!! I want more!!!

oh-I just thought I might have missed something due to my terrible naivety

No this is just the first scene in ep 4 of my sitcom and if u thought it lacked comedy fair enough. but what you saw was what you got. thanks though for your other comments.

bump