Drawn apart. Page 2

Agree with Matthew. Also the dialogue's a little show-don't-tell. But a nice concept for a sketch and some nice jokes.

Very good, but I would lose the bit where he accuses her of faking the pregnancy, as it confuses rather.

Quote: sootyj @ May 10 2009, 3:21 PM BST

JILL IS ASLEEP AND PREGNANT TONY SITS BY HER SIDE ON THE BED.
TONY STICKS HIS HAND UNDER THE DUVET AND PULLS OUT A CUSHION AND IS ABOUT TO PUSH A BIGGER ONE IN IT'S PLACE.

JILL SITS UP (WITHOUT A BABY BUMP)

JILL
I bloody knew it you faked our pregnancy! But why Tony? It's horrible.

TONY
I just thought if you thought were pregnant you wouldn't leave me.

JILL
How long Tony? How long? We've been married for 15 years we've had 3 kids.

TONY
About that...haven't you ever wandered why Julian, Edgar and Winifred are always playing at the end of the garden?

JILL
They're healthy out doorsy kids. Oh you didn't you wouldn't, you couldn't could you?

JILL GOES TO THE WINDOW PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN THERE ARE 3 CHILDREN CRUDELY PAINTED ON THE WINDOW.
SHE RUBS ONE OF THE PAINTINGS.

JILL
You bastard they're painted on! Get out you liar! Mother said I'd end up with a man just like dad.

TONY
Fine I'm going. And I'm taking the cat! Mr Whiskers. Fine stay you ingrate.

WE SEE THE CAT IS DRAWN ON THE WALL.
HE STORMS OUT.

JILL
Oh thank God I thought he'd never go, you can come up from the end of the garden Fabio.

SHE PULLS BACK THE OTHER CURTAIN TO REVEAL A CRUDE DRAWING OF FABIO ON THE WINDOW.

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Very good.

I think this could potentially be a really funny T.V. sketch. I thought it might have worked better if it was the wife rather than the husband being the underhand one faking the pregnancy. He wakes up next to her as she is replacing a cushion with a pillow up her night gown. The painted on family is a really nice visual, would get a laugh from me if I saw on't telly.

*thumbs up*

Haven't seen this before Sootyj. Really liked it. Wicked idea. Have you got a finalised version after all the feedback?

Sort of I think. Didn't I post it?

Like most of my stuff does anyone want to film it?

There's also a sequel.

Further drawn apart.

I liked it. Can see it as a Life and Times of Tim style animation quite crude, it'd suit it better the Real Life I think.

Quote: sootyj @ March 18 2010, 9:09 AM GMT

Sort of I think. Didn't I post it?

Like most of my stuff does anyone want to film it?

There's also a sequel.

Further drawn apart.

View original

Yeah ok, Missed it first time around. A lot tighter and better for it. Have you sent this anywhere?

Nah had it read at LCW where it went down well.

But send it where?

I don't know where you could send it. You'd have to find an opportunity that fits.

Or just do what I do and sit on them weeping.

Tree-mendous creativity. Loved it. Agree with the Slags re the pussy.

Like it. Needs tightening though. Too much explanation. For example here:

TONY
About that...haven't you ever wandered why Julian, Edgar and Winifred are always playing at the end of the garden?

JILL
They're healthy out doorsy kids. Oh you didn't you wouldn't, you couldn't could you?

JILL GOES TO THE WINDOW PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN THERE ARE 3 CHILDREN CRUDELY PAINTED ON THE WINDOW.
SHE RUBS ONE OF THE PAINTINGS.

JILL
You bastard they're painted on! Get out you liar! Mother said I'd end up with a man just like dad.

I'd trim to:

TONY
About that...haven't you ever wandered why Julian, Edgar and Winifred are always playing at the end of the garden?

JILL GOES TO THE WINDOW PULLS OPEN THE CURTAIN THERE ARE 3 CHILDREN CRUDELY PAINTED ON THE WINDOW.
SHE RUBS ONE OF THE PAINTINGS.

JILL
Get out.

Also I found the cushion pregnancy a bit 'meh'. The main funny, for me, is the fact the kids are painted on the window. So I think there's potentially a better execution. Anyway good idea !

PS we'll consider producing/ filming it for you Sootj if you like?

Quote: Simon B @ March 18 2010, 10:56 AM GMT

PS we'll consider producing/ filming it for you Sootj if you like?

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You are on!

Perhaps the hidden shorter edit?