Church Games

Here is the opening scene of a sitcom I've just started writing set in a Catholic church. Hopefully it is as different from Father Ted as I can possibly make it. Like most things I put up on here, it's the first draft so any feedback is greatly appreciated.

Int. church

AN ELDERLY PRIEST AND A MAN IN HIS LATE TEENS WEARING CASUAL GEAR ARE IN CHURCH CLEANING AND TIDYING, AND GETTING IT IN PRISTINE CONDITION

DAVID

What time's midnight mass?

FATHER MCNALLY

8 o'clock

DAVID

Oh, later this year then?

FATHER MCNALLY

Well, the Gavin and Stacey special was on last year, remember? You know how much The Bishop loves his Gavin and Stacey, so we had to re-schedule.

DAVID

I hate Christmas. It's always so busy. Where are all these Christians the other 364 days a year. Nowhere. But come Christmas, they come crawling out the woodwork. Like Jesus to a cross.

FATHER MCNALLY

That's unfair! They crawl out for Easter too.

DAVID

363 days then!

FATHER MCNALLY

Easter lasts a whole weekend David. You'll never make a good priest if you don't learn these things.

DAVID

I've already told you Dad, I don't want to be a priest.

FATHER MCNALLY

How many times David? Don't call me dad at work.

DAVID

Sorry, Father.

FATHER MCNALLY

That's better.

DAVID

No, I'm going to be a rock star.

FATHER MCNALLY

Christian rock I hope?

DAVID

Not entirely.

FATHER MCNALLY

Well, as long as it isn't that Hop Hop music. The language. Satan's music I tell 'ya.

DAVID

Predominantly African American music actually.

FATHER MCNALLY

Satan's music.

DAVID

How long is mass going to last this year?

FATHER MCNALLY

Depends on whether the Bishop falls asleep, if he doesn't, then we're in it for the long haul I'm afraid.

DAVID

Maybe we should slip sleeping pills in his tea?

FATHER MCNALLY

I don't think they'd mix well with the whiskey already in there.

DAVID

It's just the man from the record label is coming round at half nine.

FATHER MCNALLY

I can't cancel Christmas David, now can I? Invite him along to mass.

DAVID

He can't come to mass, that's just not cool. He doesn't even know my Dad, well adopted Dad, is a priest.

FATHER MCNALLY

He will soon. The church 'll be a give away.

DAVID

He mustn't know.

FATHER MCNALLY

Whatever. Have you finished that nativity scene yet?

DAVID

Yes.

DAVID BRINGS OVER THE BOX HE'S BEEN WORKING ON TO FATHER MCNALLY. THEY BOTH INSPECT IT

FATHER MCNALLY

Where's Jesus?

DAVID

You see the shoe-like thing Mary is holding?

FATHER MCNALLY

Yeah?

DAVID

There.

FATHER MCNALLY

Oh, David.

DAVID

Well, they're all so small and Jesus was a baby when he was born, so he has to be even smaller than them. It needs to be accurate.

FATHER MCNALLY

What are those things?

DAVID

Horses.

FATHER MCNALLY

Horses!

DAVID

You can't have a stable without horses.

FATHER MCNALLY

Horses weren't around then! Jesus Christ David, this wouldn't even get you a blue peter badge.

DAVID

Don't blaspheme father.

FATHER MCNALLY

Son's shouldn't preach to their fathers.

DAVID

I bet Jesus preaches to God all the time.

FATHER MCNALLY

How can he? God is omnipotent. He is all knowing

DAVID

So is Jesus then 'cos he's part of God.

FATHER MCNALLY

Yeah, the indecisive part that he takes away to make God all knowing.

PINGING NOISE, LIKE A MICROWAVE

FATHER MCNALLY

Good, the turkey is ready. Come on, you can help me stuff it.

DAVID

God, I hate Christmas. I wish it got canceled.

FATHER MCNALLY

Don't blaspheme.

DAVID

I wasn't, I was praying.

END SCENE.

Can catholic priests adopt children?
Hearing the microwave when they're cleaning in church? Pretty loud microwave ping.

Quote: RobJ @ March 15 2010, 9:48 PM GMT

Can catholic priests adopt children?
Hearing the microwave when they're cleaning in church? Pretty loud microwave ping.

View original

Doesn't it happen in Da Vinci Code? The albino fella is adopted by the naughty priest man? Do protestants have midnight mass? If they do I'll just make 'em protestant. I'm fairly sure some church's have kitchens attached to them, even living quarters in some of them. What with the acoustics in such venues, it's not that far fetched now is it?

Is he properly adopted in the da vinci code or is he just someone he treats like a son? I'm not sure, only watched the film and didn't pay too much attention to it while I was watching it. But I wouldn't use facts that you just see in films incase they aren't facts. Though this is a first draft so I would assume you would check stuff like that before finalising stuff.

I suppose the microwave could be possible, but most catholic churches I've been in, where living quarters are attached, the kitchen isn't accessible straight from the main part of the church.

Quote: RobJ @ March 15 2010, 10:09 PM GMT

Is he properly adopted in the da vinci code or is he just someone he treats like a son? I'm not sure, only watched the film and didn't pay too much attention to it while I was watching it. But I wouldn't use facts that you just see in films incase they aren't facts. Though this is a first draft so I would assume you would check stuff like that before finalising stuff.

I suppose the microwave could be possible, but most catholic churches I've been in, where living quarters are attached, the kitchen isn't accessible straight from the main part of the church.

View original

A very quick Google search has informed me that it is extremely rare, you need permission directly from the Pope, but it is possible. An episode could be dedicated to the very subject of petitioning the Pope and how he adopted him, I guess. As long as the psyche of the general public perceive it as being possible then I don't think it is too much of a problem. As with the microwave,, it's all semantics that get ironed out over the course of re-drafting.