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JOHN AND WILL ARE SITTING IN THE LIVING ROOM, WATCHING T.V. JOHN IS WILL'S FATHER AT AGE 47, HE IS A VERY OLD FASHIONED, CYNICAL MAN, WHO DOESN'T APPRECIATE ANYTHING OUT OF HIS ORDINARY. WILL IS AGED 18; HE IS AN AVERAGE STUDENT, WITH NOT MUCH OF A VIEWPOINT ON THE WORLD.
John: Turn it over, son. (He throws the remote to Will) I can't use the darn thing. Taggart is probably on, better than any of this shite.
Will: Dad its not "shite", its my favourite show.
John: Precisely.
Will: Loads of people in my school watch it.
John: The people in your school are a f**king disgrace to society!
Will: No they're not. We have some really clever people in our year.
John: Yeah, well, turn it over. My house, my rules.
Will: (huffing) Alright, alright.
ENTER SANDRA. SHE IS MOTHER TO WILL AND WIFE TO JOHN. SHE IS VERY PRETTY AND COMES ACROSS AS SLIGHTLY NAÏVE.
Sandra: (expecting a response) I'm home!
Will: What's for dinner?
Sandra: For god's sake I've just got in Will! A 'hello' could be nice...
Will: Hello, what's for dinner?
SANDRA PASSES THE LIVING ROOM AND CONTINUES INTO THE KITCHEN IGNORING WILL.
John: F**k sake Will.
JOHN GETS UP WITH GREAT EFFORT AND MAKES HIS WAY INTO THE KITCHEN. DISTANT MURMURING IS HEARD FROM THE KITCHEN. WILL SHOWS NO SIGN OF REACTION AND TURNS OVER THE T.V.
CUT TO KITCHEN.
Sandra: - and that weird man attacked me at the cash machine again today!
John: Which one?
Sandra: The one that thinks he's a plumber. The... you know he's not quite -
John: Retarded?
Sandra: (considering) Well...
CUT TO SANDRA OUTSIDE A CASH MACHINE ON THE HIGHSTREET. A MAN DRESSED IN RAGGED CLOTHES APPROACHES HER. HE HAS A THICK SCOTTISH ACCENT.
Man: Hi.
Sandra: Do you mind?
Man: I'm a plumber. Got any clogs need fixin'?
Sandra: (taken aback) No? I'm... I'm ok?
Man: Please?
Sandra: Excuse me I have to go.
Man: Please I can 'elp you.
Sandra: Go away!
Man: Let me show you my manhole.
CUT BACK TO KITCHEN.
Sandra: I ran.
John: I'm gonna go down there an' do him.
ENTER WILL AT THIS MOMENT.
Will: And you call me gay?
John: (to Will) As in beat him up.
WILL IS GETTING A GLASS OF WATER.
Will: Alright, Elton. Don't get defensive!
Sandra: Elton?
Will: Never mind. - Oh I meant to say, you know that sub-teacher I was telling you about? Mr. Liongate?
John: The guy you kept moaning about?
Will: He's been fired. I told you he was a perve!
Sandra: (shocked) Will!
Will: That's not all! He got fired cause he fingered this weird kid in our school!
John: Who?
Will: His name's Alex, no one really talked to him.
John: Why speak about him in the past tense? Its not as if he died?
Will: He may as well have. He came in yesterday; everyone was shouting stuff at him.
Sandra: Alright Will, that's enough.
John: (Ignoring Sandra) Like what?
Will: Can't really remember, someone wrote on his locker 'Bet you wish you'd clenched'. That was probably the fun-
JOHN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.
Sandra: You two are disgusting, that poor boy!
SANDRA WALKS OUT WITH HER BAG AND MAKES HER WAY UPSTAIRS.
Sandra: (Shouting from the landing) Will! You've got Parent's evening tonight, young man! Don't think I'd forget!
Will: (to John) Damn!
John: Good luck mate.
END.
