ALISTAIR DARLING working in office. Enter SATAN, carrying briefcase, marked, "FORCES OF HELL".
SATAN:
Gordon told me to drop by and have a word....
DARLING:
(Not looking up) What is it, Mr um...?.
SATAN:
Satan.
DARLING:
Mr Satan.
SATAN:
(Putting briefcase on table) Gordon says, and I quote, "Get your bloody act together, Darling. Stop dissing the economy. We'll lose the sodding election." Or would you prefer your balls fried in molten lava?
DARLING:
I suppose you represent some sort of offshore tax haven?
SATAN:
Not exactly a haven.
DARLING:
Well, this country is bust. We have fewer natural assets left than Jordan's chest. I mortgaged Buckingham Palace yesterday to pay the Commons gas bill.
SATAN:
(Taken aback) Jesus. (Claps hand over mouth)Whoops!
DARLING:
Everyone thinks I can just print money...
SATAN:
So what are you doing?
DARLING:
Just printing money. But we can't go on or the whole country will go to hell.
SATAN:
We haven't got the resources!
DARLING:
Exactly. So I don't know why Gordon sent you, Mr um...
SATAN:
I was unleashing the forces of hell but now I've heard this, may the forces be with you.
DARLING:
No problem. Oh, and if Gordon kicks off again you might find this useful (Hands paper).
SATAN:
Thanks. (Picks up phone) Hello, is that the National Bullying Helpline?
END
