Sketch Comp 7-15.3.10!

SUPERB crop this week so extra spesh congrats to... ANGIEBABY for winnin'! Enjoy, have 10 points and PM me for next week's subject please...
Hence:

Votes - Points - Name

6!!! - 10 - AngieBaby
3 - 5 - Kasm
2 - 1 - Nigel Kelly, The Giggle-0
Very special mention: Otterfox, Cool Mikado, James
Special mention: Steve, Badge, Bushbaby, Scratchyr, Timbo

Your new subject: CASH
Rules:
One entry per person. Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines. Please try and only post your entry/vote and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: 15.3.10

Overall Leader Board is now:

Points - Name

116 - Cool Mikado
111 - Chris Forshaw
104 - Mr Sunshine
103 - Frankie
102 - Otterfox
98 - Fred Peters
89 - Nigel Kelly
82 - Charley Rance
80 - Michael Monkhouse
77 - Timbo
66 - Jude
65 - Baumski
63 - Kasm
47 - Scratchyr
35 - Afinkawan
32 - Swerytd
32 - Paul Watson
28 - Leevil
22 - Blobster
21 - Mikey J
26 - David Chapman
20 - Angiebaby
20 - James Harris
20 - Blobster
20 - Roscoff
20 - Kevin Murphy
20 - Dannyjb1
20 - Niteowl
20 - Lazzard
18 - Tom
17 - Gerry McDonnell
17 - Ellie
16 - Eggie
15 - Bushbaby
15 - Cinnamon
15 - Dale
12 - Geoff Mutton
11 - Badge
11 - Steven
10 - Robo
10 - Nitram Skir
10 - Socrates
10 - Tom Campbell
10 - Tommy Power
10 - Waring
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Stylo
07 - garyd
07 - Winterlight
06 - Little Jersey Devil
06 - Hellboy
06 - Wayne Lewis
06 - John Kelly
06 - Andrew Lynch
05 - James
05 - Pedros
05 - Summer G
05 - Mannikin Bird
05 - Tumble
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
05 - Rob B
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
04 - Nil Putters
02 - Stephen Birch
02 - James
02 - Stu R
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
02 - Gavin
02 - Craig H
01 - The Giggle-O
01 - Alex Mahon
01 - Ming The Mirthless
01 - Minty
01 - Shpadoinkle
01 - Shaggy292
01 - amillionpounds
01 - Jake How
01 - David Bussell
01 - Charisma
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Batman
01 - Ray Dawson
01 - Marion
01 - Tooting Jo

Spot any mistakes? There may well be, I'm a tinker's cuss, so PM me. Thanks...

Me again!

INT DAY, AN UPMARKET DEPT STORE.

A SHOP ASSISTANT TENDS TO A MANNEQUIN.A MAN WALKS IN. CLEARLY A LUNATIC, HE APPEARS SUDDENLY BEHIND THE ASSISTANT.

LUNATIC:
I've bought some undies

ASSISTANT:
Excellent, sir.

HE CAN SEE THAT THE MAN IS EMPTY HANDED.

ASSISTANT:
Just pop them on the counter and I'll take for them, sir.

LUNATIC:
I'm wearing them.

HE PULLS DOWN HIS TROUSERS AND REVEALS SOME HORRIBLY SOILED UNDERPANTS.

ASSISTANT:
Oh! I think sir has had an accident.

LUNATIC:
It was deliberate. Here's the bar code.

HE GIVES THE ASSISTANT THE PACKAGING.

ASSISTANT:
Well, the model you're wearing is 10.99. How would you like to pay? Credit card?

LUNATIC:
Stolen.

ASSISTANT:
Debit card?

LUNATIC:
Lost it.

ASSISTANT:
Cash?

LUNATIC:
Soiled.

HE REVEALS SOME HORRIBLY DOILED CASH.

LUNATIC:
Barter?

ASSISTANT:
Yes. You piss off and I won't kill you.

ASSISTANT:
No, Give me your wife there and I'll give you my car.

HE POINTS TO THE MANNEQUIN.

ASSISTANT:
My wife? Ok, take my wife. And go.

LUNATIC:
Thanks. Here's my car.

HE HANDS HIM A RICE KRISPY CAKE IN THE SHAPE OF A CAR. FADE TO THE ASSISTANT MAKING CAR NOISES AS HE PLAYS WITH THE RICE KRISPY CAKE CAR ON THE COUNTER, AS A QUEUE OF PEOPLE FORM.

FADE

Georgeous

HOUSEWIFE enters, bored; she lights a cigarette and switches on the telly:

TV: (OFF) Look at these harrowing images of Haiti...

HOUSEWIFE: So what?

TV: (OFF) Look at this poor kid, he's lost everything and everyone...

HOUSEWIFE: Ah who cares?

TV: (OFF) Please phone to give any money you can spare...

HOUSEWIFE: Ah piss off will you?

TV: (OFF) The lines will be manned by George Clooney...

HOUSEWIFE: (SCREAMS, takes out phone)

INT. OSTENTATIOUS OFFICE. DAY

JOHNNY CASH'S MANAGER SITS AT HIS VAST DESK PUFFING ON A CIGAR. JOHNNY STANDS OPPOSITE, LOOKING UNHAPPY.

MANAGER
...Johnny, Johnny, Johnny. Your audiences love you, this great nation loves you and... well, big guy - Godammit, I love you.

JOHNNY
But why does nobody ever pay me?

HIS MANAGER GOES OVER AND PUTS HIS ARM ROUND JOHNNY'S SHOULDER AND USHERS HIM TO THE DOOR

MANAGER
Money, schmunny! You're an artist - the man in black. You've walked that line! I don't give a damn about those idiots. I'm happy to take a hit on my favourite artist 'cos I just love your songs. Now, go buy yourself something nice, you big lummox.

HE HANDS HIM A COUPLE OF TWENTY-DOLLAR BILLS, CHUCKS HIM UNDER THE CHIN AND SHOWS HIM OUT. HE THEN SAUNTERS BACK TO HIS DESK WHERE HIS PHONE STARTS RINGING.

MANAGER (PICKING UP THE PHONE)
Mr Spinetti! Great show last night, eh? Yeah, Caesar's Palace always brings out the best in Johnny... No, usual routine thanks: just make the cheque out to Cash, send it to me and I'll see he gets it.

INT. PUB. NIGHT.

A MAN (BOB) WALKS IN AND SITS AT THE BAR. HE IS SERVED BY THE LANDLORD. (JACK).

BOB:
Usual please Jack.

JACK:
Alright Bob... You know that bloke has money to burn.

BOB:
Who's that?

JACK:
The arsonist who won the lottery.

BOB:
Gettoutofit! Do you save up all your abysmal jokes for when I come in?

JACK:
No, not just you... but seriously mate, I saw the rarest sight the other day round the park.

BOB:
Go on then, spoil me.

JACK:
These two lads had a cash machine in a giant catapult and were aiming it towards the duck pond.

BOB:
This better be good.

JACK:
I think they were doing a bit of skimming.

BOB LOOKS AT HIS PINT, SHAKES HEAD, GULPS SOME BEER AND THEN LOOKS UP.

BOB:
Foreign, by any chance?

JACK:
Dunno Bob, I didn't see the currency.

BOB GAZES AT HIS BEER FOR A FEW SECONDS THEN TAKES A LARGE GULP.

BOB:
Sherlock Holmes I'm not Jack but you seem to have a thing about money at the minute.

CAMERA PANS AROUND PUB REVEALING A GROUP OF BAILIFFS REMOVING FIXTURES AND FITTINGS, GAMING MACHINES AND A POOL TABLE FROM THE PUB.

JACK:
You know Bob, every punter that comes in, I tell them jokes to get them to stay and they all drift off after a pint.

BOB FINISHES HIS BEER.

BOB:
I think I'll mosey on Jack, I've a bird to see.

JACK:
That's what they all say... bloody birds. (PAUSE) Here, take this two quid, it's all I've got left.

BOB:
What's that for?

JACK:
Johnny cash.

BOB STOPS A BAILIFF WALKING PAST WITH A CONDOM MACHINE AND PUTS IN THE TWO QUID. JACK FILLS A PINT GLASS FROM VARIOUS SPIRIT OPTICS AND DRINKS IT.

INT. A BANK. DAY.

A MASKED MAN BRANDISHING A SHOTGUN WALKS INTO THE BANK AND APPROACHES A CASHIER.

ROBBER:
This is a stick up. Put all the money in the bag.

CASHIER:
Sorry sir, but we don't have any actual cash at this branch anymore. It's all done by computer now.

ROBBER:
Hmmmmm.

CASHIER:
I can pay it into your account if you like?

ROBBER:
I don't have a bank account, mostly deal with cash in my job.

CASHIER:
Well if you've got five minutes we can set up one today.

ROBBER:
Ok but no funny stuff.

CASHIER:
Don't worry you're too old for our Jolly Junior Savers account. Current or savings?

ROBBER:
Er...current account. Might have to make a sudden withdrawal...holiday or something you know?

CASHIER:
Of course, it's nice to get away isn't it? How about we set up a standing order? Then you won't have to make all these trips.

ROBBER:
That could be helpful actually. This balaclava does itch a bit.

CASHIER:
Ok then, all I need is some ID?

ROBBER:
I've got this?

HE PASSES THE CASHIER A SMALL CARD WITH 'BAD GUY' WRITTEN ON IT.

ROBBER: (CONT'D)
It's a calling card. Use it for PR mostly.

CASHIER:
I really need something with an address on.

ROBBER:
Like a letter?

CASHIER NODS AND SMILES. THE ROBBER LOOKS AROUND AND WALKS AWAY.

SFX: SCREAM

ROBBER:
Gimme the gas bill and the Blockbuster card and no one gets hurt.

THE ROBBER RETURNS TO THE CASHIER WITH SOME I.D.

CASHIER:
Excellent. Right, that's all in order, I'll transfer..how much did you want again?

ROBBER:
All the money. When will it clear?

CASHIER:
Four to five working days.

ROBBER:
Can you do it in two for good behaviour?

END.

A desperate thief left tills untouched amd made off with thousands of pounds worth of long gloves during a daring raid in Hartlepool earlier this week.

A Police spokesman warned the public not to approach the raider as he is believed to be heavily armed.

EXT: A PAVEMENT WITH A LARGE QUEUE OF PEOPLE LOOKING IMPATIENT.
THE WOMAN AT THE FRONT IS GETTING PARTICULARLY AGITATED.

WOMAN:
Excuse me, but are you going to be much longer?

THE CAMERA PANS TO A MAN STANDING ON ONE LEG AT A CASHPOINT MACHINE WITH HIS ARMS OUTSTRETCHED.

MAN: (TURNS HIS HEAD AROUND TO FACE THE WOMAN)
I won't be a minute, I'm just checking my balance.

INT. DAY - GAMESHOW SET. CHRIS TARRANT IS SAT OPPOSITE A YOUNG MAN LOOKING NERVOUS.

FX. INTRODUCTORY JINGLE.

TARRANT
Welcome back. Before the break, Dean McGuire answered C. Pork Pie, to the question 'What type of hat did Gene Hackman wear in the film 'The French Connection'?'. Are you confident, Dean?

DEAN
Kind of, but less so now you're dragging things on.

TARRANT
Well, you should be confident! It's the right answer!

FX. TRIUMPHANT JINGLE.

TARRANT
Well done, Dean, you've done fantastically so far. You stand to become the first contestant to answer all the questions without having used a single lifeline.

DEAN
Don't jinx me Chris!

FX. THE AUDIENCE LAUGHS

TARRANT
Ok Dean, this is it, for the big prize. The Top Hat Abraham Lincoln was famed for wearing is in which museum? A. The American Hall of Heroes, Colorado B. The Smithsonian Institute, Washington C. Miracle of America Museum, Montana or D. The New York Historical Society.

DEAN
B. The Smithsonian Institute. I've been there!

FX. EXCITED MURMURS FROM THE AUDIENCE.

TARRANT
Take your time, Dean. This is for the big prize.

DEAN
No, I'm sure of it. B. Smithsonian museum. That's my final answer.

FX. FINAL ANSWER JINGLE.

TARRANT
Dean [HUGE PAUSE] You're wife chose C. So it's a good job you're in the seat! Congratulations, you've won!

DEAN
Yeees! In your face Mr Piper. I told you I'd become a millionaire!

TARRANT
Err, no, Dean you haven't won a million, you've won a job as a hat maker.

DEAN
What the f...

TARRANT
Sorry Dean, I think you're confused. This is 'Who wants to be a milliner'. [PAUSE] Didn't you wonder why all the questions were about hats?

DEAN
I just thought I got lucky.

END OF SKETCH

ANN:
That'll be 70 pounds please.

LYNN:
What? For a haircut?

ANN:
That's including tips.

LYNN:
Tips are discretionary.

ANN:
No they're for the girl who washes your hair...

LYNN:
That's a liberty.

ANN:
No, Liberty is the coat-check girl, and there's the towel lady...

LYNN:
I'm not paying for all that.

ANN:
You also ordered a cappuccino.

LYNN:
No, I 'accepted' a coffee.

ANN:
And you used the bathroom.

LYNN:
I put a pound in the dish.

ANN:
For the paper towel...,Sylvie doesn't sit in there all day for her health you know.

LYNN:
I want to speak to the manager.

ANN: Fine! <SHOUTS> Dave, got another one for ya!

DAVE:
Hello there.

ANN:
I'd like to complain....

DAVE:
Not about the haircut I hope.

ANN:
No, the haircut's fine.

DAVE:
It's more than fine, it's stunning. It really brings out your eyes.

ANN:
<TO LYNN> I suppose you're charging me for this too?

LYNN:
Nah, he's complimentary.

LOCATION: A PUBLIC TOILET IN A STYLISH QUAYSIDE PRECINCT.

ARTHUR PUSHES THE BIG GREEN BUTTON AT THE ENTRANCE OF AN ULTRA-MODERN TOILET FACILITY. AS THE DOOR SLIDES OPEN, HE LOOKS AROUND BEFORE STEPPING INSIDE.

COMPUTER
Welcome aboard, ship mate.

ARTHUR
Yes I do.

COMPUTER
Then take a seat.

A TOILET EMERGES FROM A HATCH IN THE WALL. ARTHUR DROPS HIS PANTS AND ATTEMPTS TO SIT DOWN...

COMPUTER
You haven't paid!

THE TOILET GLIDES BACK INTO THE WALL AS ARTHUR TRIES TO SIT ON IT. HE FALLS FLAT ON HIS ASS, AND WALLOPS THE BACK OF HIS HEAD AGAINST THE METAL HATCH: BOOM!

ARTHUR
Shit! Shit! Shit!

COMPUTER
Of course you can, but it will cost 87p.

ARTHUR GETS UP, AND PAYS THE MACHINE.

ARTHUR
OK, here's the cash.

HE SITS DOWN CAUTIOUSLY WHEN THE TOILET REAPPEARS.

COMPUTER
You've got 4 minutes. We hope you enjoy this product.

ARTHUR
Only four minutes, this could be a strain.

COMPUTER
The longer you stay, the more you pay.

ARTHUR
Scandalous! How do you work out the extra cost?

COMPUTER
I've got a cistern. Option A is the 25p per minute tariff, pay as you go. And Option B is the constipation tariff: £2 for half an hour. (PAUSE) Three minutes remaining.

ARTHUR
Maybe I'll splash out. OK, how much money have I got? Phew ... I'm flush.

THE TOILET FLUSHES, COMPLETELY SOAKING ARTHUR, WHO SCREAMS AND JUMPS TO HIS FEET.

COMPUTER
That was quick.

ARTHUR
(SHOUTS) I haven't finished!

THE TOILET VANISHES INTO THE WALL.

COMPUTER
Please wash your hands.

ARTHUR
Bring it back now! Bring it back, or I'll use the floor.

COMPUTER
I'll lock the door if you use the floor. The police will come at once. And you, my friend, will be fined £5,000 and charged with illegal dumping.

DEFEATED, ARTHUR FASTENS HIS TROUSERS AND WASHES HIS HANDS. A MOP-WIELDING ROBOT ARM DESCENDS FROM THE CEILING AND BEGINS VIGOROUSLY CLEANING THE FLOOR WHICH IS ALREADY AWASH WITH SOAPY WATER. THE DOOR OPENS, AND ARTHUR DANCES AND SCREAMS AS HE IS CHASED OUT BY THE ANGRY MOP.

INT. BAKERY - DAY

A BAKER IS STARING INCREDULOUSLY AT HIS ASSISTANT

BAKER:
Why are you eating the bread?

ASSISTANT:
I thought you wouldn't mind me grabbing a quick snack, especially as you've just had a little windfall.

BAKER:
You misunderstood. I said I'd come into a little dough.

EXT. NIGHT. A DARK ALLEYWAY.

A DODGY MAFIA TYPE GUY IN HIS 40'S CALLED SAM IS TALKING TO A YOUNG LAD OF ABOUT 17 CALLED DANNY.

SAM:
Sonny. I hear you want to join our little...ahem, company.

DANNY:
That's correct sir. I feel I could be very helpful to you.

SAM:
So I've heard, but before you can join you will have to pass a little series of tests. If you pass these we will consider your request and we will also make it worth your while.

DANNY:
(NERVOUSLY) W-what do you want me to do?

SAM:
This is no ordinary company so what I'm asking you to do might be a little, shall we say different. If you succeed in this. You're in. If you pass, you're in. If you prove yourself, you're in. If you can do it, you're in.

This has come directly from the boss so it is imperative you are successful and we will certainly make it worth your while.

We need you to...kill a squirrel, take out the bin, soften your cough, cheer up a monk, move to Monaco, become an artist, steal a bridge, peel an onion, chew down a tree, play chess with a soldier and look embarrassed in front of an electrician. In that order.

You have two weeks. We will then meet here for payment. If you succeed, you get paid. If you achieve it, you get paid. If you-

DANNY:
I get it.

DANNY RUNS OFF INTO THE DARKNESS.

2 WEEKS LATER. DARK ALLEY AGAIN.

SAM:
Well son, I have to say that we are very impressed. You achieved everything we set in front of you and you even achieved some tasks we didnt ask you to do such as biting an ostrich, sweeping the legs of a shrew and throwing tennis balls into the sea.

The time has now come for your payment...

HE TAKES OUT A BIG WAD OF CASH PRESENTING THEM TO DANNY ONE NOTE AT A TIME.
SAM LOOKS SHIFTY WITH HIS EYES DARTING IN DIFFERENT DIRECTIONS.

SAM:
Here, put that in your boot, quick before anyone comes. Put it in your boot. Now the 20, put that in your sock. Good lad. Hold out your neck. Put that inside your collar, come on! Come out with it.

Where are your sleeves? I've a hundred here. Lift out your boot. Take off your sock. Quickly. Will you come on! Put your sock up your sleeve.

DANNY:
What - whe-?

SAM:
UP..your sleeve. Quickly Now put that hundred into your boot. Up by your toes. Take a sip of water. Now fold this 50, hand it back to me and I'll give you this hundred. Hurry up.

Have you got a back pocket?

DANNY:
Yes.

SAM:
Good. Ignore it. Hold out your hand. Put this 20 down your back. Do it a bit nicer. Like you respect it. Take this envelope. Put all the money I've given to you and put it into the envelope.

DANNY:
Now?

SAM:
Of course now! Quickly.... Okay. Now hand me the envelope with the money in it. Will you come on?!

DANNY DOES SO AND SAM HANDS IT STRAIGHT BACK TO HIM.

SAM:
Now get out of here!

SAM SPRINTS UP THE ALLEY, FALLING OVER A BIN IN HIS HASTE AND RUNS DOWN THE STREET. DANNY JUST LOOKS ON UTTERLY CONFUSED. HE SHRUGS HIS SHOULDERS, TURNS AND CASUALLY WALKS OFF.

INT. BANK - DAY

ROBBER RUSHES INTO AN EMPTY BANK AND WAVES A GUN AT THE MAN BEHIND THE GLASS PARTITION

ROBBER:
Gimme all your money

MAN:
But I'm skint.

ROBBER:
Not yours, clown. From the safe.

MAN:
I don't have the combination.

ROBBER:
Then take money out that drawer in front of you.

MAN:
I don't have the key.

ROBBER:
You don't have the combination or a key. Then what the hell are you doing here?

MAN:
(Lifting mop). I'm the cleaner

SCENE 1

ROBBIE, a cleaner, is finishing mopping a floor.

Alice (another cleaner) walks passed with a flamethrower. ROBBIE looks surprised.

ALICE (happily)
Rust

ROBBIE raises an eyebrow none the wiser.

ALICE
Adams car, duh. It has some rust underneathe.

ROBBIE produces a scared look

ROBBIE (unsure)
Oh, okay, well. Thanks for doing that for helping me out.

SCENE 2

ROBBIE takes a deep breathe before knocking on a door with the words "Boss" on it. The boss is called Adam.

ADAM(O.O.V)
Come in! Come in!

ROBBIE enters. There is bundles of cash stacked high (thousands) on Adams desk, his head can barely be seen over the top of it. ROBBIE doesn't know where to look.

ROBBIE
You...you wanted to see me sir?

ADAM
Robbie, Robbie, Robbie.

Adam picks up a bundle of cash

ADAM (shaking the bundle of cash)
How are you?

ROBBIE
I'm fine sir

Adam nonchalantly throws the cash into the fire as if it were rubbish before sitting down.

ROBBIE
Sir, you just, you know you just...

ADAM
I mean you, you really work for your money Robbie. You really do. I've seen you. I mean who dusts the top of vending machines? I'll tell you who...you do Robbie. You do. That, for me, is just -

Adam takes another bundle of notes from the desk and throws it basketball style into the fire.

ADAM (contd)
It's determination to get the job done.

ROBBIE
Thanks sir. I do try.

Adam is now holding a golf club as he strikes another bundle of cash into the fire

ADAM
How long have you worked here Robbie?

ROBBIE
90, since we opened sir.

ADAM
Ahh yes. Since we started. Determined and loyal.

ROBBIE
Yepthat's me sir

Adam picks up a cricket bat from behind his desk and nods to ROBBIE to throw the cash at him. He bats a bundle into the fire.

ROBBIE throws the final bundle of cash towards Adam.

A puff of smoke goes up as the cash hits the fire

ADAM
You could have done a lot with that money Robbie.

ROBBIE
Sorry, did you say my money sir?

ADAM
Yes Robbie, your 20 year loyalty bonus is in the fire because you decided to clean my Rolls Royce with a f**king brillo pad.

ROBBIE
But sir, it was Alice who cleaned your car not me.

ADAM picks up the phone unphased.

ADAM
Sandra! Transfer Alice's bonus to Robbie's account please and have Alice come to my office immediately.

SANDRA
Sir this is Alice's first week in the job she isn't due that bonus for 20 years.

ADAM
Very well. Where do we keep the fire extinguisher?

SANDRA
I believe Alice is using it.

END