my first ever sketch

hello, as most of you probably know, i only write stand-up comedy but i was reading my siganature and i thought "wait i can write a sketch based around that", so i have, this is the first sketch i have ever written so i want you experts to guide me, here go's

A smartly dressed lady is walking along a corridor with a smartly dressed man with a name tag saying Mr. Taylor

Smartly dressed woman:
so Mr. Taylor, what class are we visiting next?

Mr Taylor:
(he looks at a sheet of paper)
next is a year 10 class and they are learning about sex education, now as the headteacher of this school i personally think that there is to many girls going and getting pregnant, so therefore we teach sex education to every year.

(they enter a room, a woman stood up in front of the class writing on a blackboard in what looks like a typical classroom)

Mr. Taylor:
(he looks at the teacher smiles and says

don't mind us, were here to observe

Teacher:
o.k. class, now just because you have sex in a safe way doesn't mean you can't enjoy it, we are now moving on to a new topic, about how sex can be fun, now lets just give you a example, sex experts say that both the male and female will get more out of sex if the female go's on top and leans slightly back, while bobbing backwards and forwards

(she is interupted by a scruffy looking girl sat at the front of the class)

girl:
actually miss, i think it is better when the girl leans forward, and bobs up and down,

(she turns around to face the rest of her class)

:what about you Darren, did you like it when i leant forward?

(darren nods and smiles like he is imagining it the scruffy girl continues)

:what about you Ross, did you prefer it when i leant forward?

(yet again he nods like he is imagining it she continues)

:what about you Julie did you prefer it when i leant forward?

(every boy nods and closes their eyes,she looks around the class to see who else she has shagged, she continues)

w and what about you, Mr. Taylor did you prefer it when i leant forward?

(Mr Taylor has his eyes closed, he is smiling and slowly nodding like he is imagining it, he opens his eyes and see's the suited woman with a look of shock on her face)

Suited woman:
Mr. Taylor, i would like a word please, OUTSIDE NOW

(he and the suited woman open the door and start to walk out)

scruffy girl:
i'll see you tonight Mr. Taylor

(yet again he closes his eyes, smiles and nods slowly)
End of sketch
so what do you guys think, this is my first sketch ever so i need tips on what i should be doing differently, you'll notice that it is similar to my stand-up quote set as my siginature thanks for reading
Lewis Roberts

Hi Lewis, as a concept, I really liked it. I think the dialogue needs to be reworked and pruned to make it easier to say. Also, words like 'that' I find, make sence when you write them, but when we speak, we tend not to bother with them. Or maybe that's just me. You could possibly drop her asking one of the boys in the class too as I think the point was made by the second time of asking. Hope this doesn't come across as too negative, I really liked the idea and I did laugh.

Hi Lewis

Like the idea very much and is written very well for a first-time ever sketch. Think a bit of pruning is necessary. Have a look at some other scripts on here for layout examples as in places it's a bit difficult to read (most people tend to put stage directions in capitals, people's names in capitals and their dialogue in 'normal' case underneath (to be fair, the last one you have done).

That's more for the readers than anything else. Script is very good and just needs a rewrite or two to cut the superfluous words and lines.

Incidentally, if you think about your stand-up in a different way, I'll bet a lot of it translates to sketches.

Well done

Dan

Clever, funny - made me smile lots. But I agree that the dialogue could be tightened up and it could be 40% shorter. You don't need the long preamble about sex education: the set-up is just that they enter a class where sex education is going on - e.g. Mr Taylor says "This is year 10. They're doing sex education".
He doesn't need a name tag either, or to explain he is the head teacher. The fact he is showing someone round is enough.
Hope this helps. On this basis you shouldn't be branding yourself as only writing stand-up material. Keep going with the sketches!

thanks for the feedback, some of the things you've mentioned have just smacked mee.g. Mr Taylor says "This is year 10. They're doing sex education".
He doesn't need a name tag either, or to explain he is the head teacher. The fact he is showing as friggin' obvious,
it now hits me as obvious, i don't know i might go through the many many pads of stand-up i have written and see what ones could be sketches, just going through the work in my recent pad, i can find 6 or 7 possible sketches, i suppose because i'm quite character based and what i do best is put another side to things, i thank you for your comment as you know more about this sort of thing than i do, and any other feedback would be appreciated, thanks guys

I really enjoyed this and given that the layout needs serious attention, I felt the construction was really quite good. Obviously I am not alone in finding this funny and would like to see the revised version.

o.k so i'll take all of your advice and change it in lay out and shorten i abit, thanks for the advice, expect a revised version soon!

I thought it was good also for a first stab and I'm in agreement with the advice already given by the others.

As swerytd said you can adapt many different things from routines and articles into sketch format.

I think my only real problem with it is that it is really similar to the monty python sketch in the film "The meaning the life". Where John Cleese is a teacher and he asks he's students things you can do before actually having sex with a girl (foreplay). But i think you've got ability to write comedy, so i definitely suggest carrying on with your sketch writing

well arn't you a clever and nice bunch, thanks for the advice, as i said it's good to get the advice from people who know more about the subject then me, i shall turn my sttand-up into sketches (while still writing stand-up,,i'm adicted to it) thanks guys,

I liked it. It's worth remembering, though, as with stand-up material the god-given rule of three. I would have gone with 'Did you like it...Darren?' 'Did you like it...Ross?' 'Did you like it...Mr Taylor?' And got out somewhere round there. You lose the 'Julie' bit.
I've always thought a gag is a little sitcom, anyway. It's got a location, characters, action and a plot with the funny bit at the end.
CA