Sitcom: "January" E01, 3rd Draft

Hello everyone,

I am currently aspiring to write my own sitcom. The following are Scenes 1 & 2 of episode 1. This is the third draft, not the finished artical. Although seeing as everything I know about comedy and creative writing is self-taught I would really appreciate some early feedback. The story and setting of the series aren't properly introduced until the start of Scene 3 but I would find any opinions, thoughts and criticisms based on this introduction extremely useful.

Thank you for reading.

SCENE 1:
INT. GENERIC STUDENT BAR / NIGHT
Two students, GEORGE and LEE are sat at a table having a drink George is the weird nerd one, Lee is the cool smug one.

LEE
So George, it's been almost two months since first year started. Why haven't you got with any girls yet?

GEORGE
Lee, you're my best friend at university but seriously, mind your own business!

LEE
Look mate, you're just hopeless. Retire your penis, buy some tissues, that's what I'd do!

GEORGE
Well that's just where you're wrong isn't it?! Because I actually met a girl last night. We exchanged numbers and we're meeting for drinks tonight!

LEE
She'll dump you soon enough.

GEORGE
What are you talking about?! We just met! There is no way I'm going to get dumped so soon!

George's phone rings, he picks it up and listens to it. After a few seconds he hangs up.

GEORGE
So who does the best tissues, Morrisons or Tescos?

CUT TO -

SCENE 2:
INT. 106 ELTON ROAD / LOUNGE / DAY 1 09:00PM

It transpires that the exchange between Lee and George is actually a sitcom being shown on TV that is currently being watched by ROBIN and GRACE, who are sat next at opposite ends of the sofa. Both are watching the TV but Grace has her phone out and Robin has his laptop on his lap.

Robin is pessimistic, dressed to blend in. Grace sees herself as "proper". She is narcissistic and condescending.

GRACE
No Robin I've told you, We're not watching BBC three any more.

ROBIN
It's only started, give it a chance will you?!

GRACE
Already I can tell it is awful. It's shallow, it's predictable and it's in that sort of style that's been done better before. [Beat] Now hand over the remote I think Will and Grace is just about to come on on Channel Four.

Robin reluctantly passes the TV remote to Grace. Grace snatches it and changes the TV channel. There is a brief silence while Robin focuses his attention on his laptop.

ROBIN
I don't get the point in this. Brigit has just created a Facebook event for her birthday that's going to start in less than thirty minutes.

Grace is trying to watch TV and is really unenthused and unengaged in this conversation.

GRACE
Who?

ROBIN
You remember Brigit. We've been out for her birthday for the past two years.

GRACE
Really?

ROBIN
What do you mean "really"? She was in our block in first year! We practically lived with her!

GRACE
Don't remember her.

ROBIN
Oh she's that poncy art student. She comes across as though she thinks art is more important than oxygen but take her to an Art Gallery and try to strangle her and she just gets upset. I don't even want to go to this thing! She comes from a cosy middle class background and sneers at anyone who doesn't work and lives on benefits but sees no irony in then living on hand outs from Daddy and only having three lectures a week. She's just unbearably pretentious and is always boasting about how wealthy and fashionable she is.

Robin does some typing on his laptop and finds his way to the webpage of Brigit's Facebook event.

ROBIN
Right, so we're meeting at the Whistling Rat for pound drinks and it looks like it's fancy dress. Golf-themed.

GRACE
You sure?

ROBIN
It's a student girl's birthday party, it's always fancy dress. Do you think we'll end up at that awful obscure RnB club again?

Grace suddenly appears to be making more of an effort to engage in the conversation.

GRACE
Did we all wear fancy dress for her birthday in first year? I can't remember.

ROBIN
Erm, I think most people were dressed as Smurfs. I didn't dress up. I dunno, for some bizarre reason I thought it would make me look like a dick.

GRACE
So we were all dressed as Smurfs apart from you?

ROBIN
Er... wait, Alan wasn't either.

GRACE
Oh yeah! Alan, my boyfriend, and me got together that night didn't we? Do you think my boyfriend felt a bit self-conscious that night?

ROBIN
I felt a bit self-conscious that night. Then again I was in a group of fully grown adults dressed up as Smurfs so you can't blame me can you. Brigit was loving it of course, Smurfed up to the eyebrows. After years of acting like a twat she had finally succeeded into turning the rest of us into them. Then of course she went round the room high-fiving everyone. Why do people do that? High fives are American. We're British. Americans high-five when they're relaxed and like each other, we don't like each other. The way she held her arm up in the air to me that night, I didn't know whether she was greeting me or saluting to a new government under Avatar in the name of tyrannical art.

GRACE
I think Alan felt a bit self-conscious that night.

ROBIN
Really?

GRACE
Yeah, I mean before we got together my boyfriend was very shy. I mean my boyfriend is better now of course because we work so well together.

Robin now un-engages from the conversation.

ROBIN
Right.

GRACE
We've been thinking about having sex together for the first time, although we still think we're not ready yet.

ROBIN
Mmm.

GRACE
A couple of night ago we were laying together on the sofa and I felt something hard near my...

ROBIN
Okay.

GRACE
So I asked my boyfriend "is that you I can feel?" and he said "not if you can feel me through the cushion."

Robin responds to this by moving over to sit in the middle of the sofa, abandoning his laptop, as there are two cushions at the side of the sofa where he was sat. He then takes a fearful look around the room and realises that the consequence of living with a woman means that there are cushions everywhere in the room. He wonders which one of these cushions is the offender and does his best to maintain a distance from them all.

GRACE
What are you doing?

ROBIN
Just... nothing.

Robin grabs his laptop and immerses himself in it. A few moments pass.

GRACE
You know sometimes, I just lie in bed awake at night and watch Alan sleep.

Robin's eyes glance fearfully and briefly at Grace and then he looks away again.

GRACE
I think me and my boyfriend have been going out so long now that we know we can be absolutely honest with each other about anything.

ROBIN
Uh-huh.

GRACE
We think honesty is important in any relationship.

Robin gives Grace another nervous glance.

FLASHBACK SEQUENCE:

INT. ROBIN'S PARENT'S HOME / ROBIN'S ROOM / NIGHT

Robin is sat by his computer. He opens an email, it reads:

"Dear Matt,

Your tutee failed EG2110 and did not attend two resits EG2050 and EG2130 this September. The Engineering exam board has interpreted his absence as a neglect of his academic obligations and is recommending his course to be terminated.

We have no medical certificate covering this student for the exams he was absent.

Could you please contact the student (email, telephone, mobile) to make sure he has given us all information he deems relevant towards making a fair evaluation of his examination performance. Please note that the Board of Faculty of Sciences meets on Thursday 18 September 2010, p.m., so any information needs to be with me before this meeting.

With thanks
Aldo"

When Robin sees the email he feels as though his entire world is crashing down.

END FLASHBACK

INT. 106 ELTON ROAD / LOUNGE / CONTINUOUS

GRACE
Honesty is very important.

ROBIN
Not that important.

GRACE
We are comfortable enough with each other for you come for advice to me about anything.

ROBIN
Well... not anything.

GRACE
That night my boyfriend was with these cushions for example.../

ROBIN
/... I still haven't received my results for my resits by the way. I'm... although I'm fairly confident.

GRACE
Aww bless.

ALAN enters the room. Alan wears designer glasses and is relentlessly and annoyingly cheerful. He can be seen as a "Grace-Lite".

ALAN
(In the style of Papa Lazarou, League of Gentlemen)
Hello Dave!

ROBIN
(Unenthusiastically)
Hello Alan.

ALAN
Did I tell you that me and Grace have been going out for two years now?

ROBIN
Yes.

ALAN
Have you failed your degree?

ROBIN
What? No, I haven't... I mean, I haven't got my results yet.

ALAN
Oh brilliant! Will and Grace is on!

Alan goes to sit in the small gap between Robin and Grace. This forces a disgruntled Robin to move across to the other end of the sofa to accommodate him. Once sat down Alan and Grace begin groping and intimately touching each other, which leads to Robin feeling very disgusted and annoyed.

ROBIN
But you hate Will and Grace!

ALAN
I did used to really dislike it but now I'm actually getting quite into it.

ROBIN
I wonder why that is.

ALAN
So what's the plan tonight guys?

ROBIN
The usual. Go to some horrible cheap-o bar for pints in plastic glasses and then off to some noisy and overcrowded club.

ALAN
It's some girl's birthday party tonight isn't it?

ROBIN
Yep.

ALAN
So it'll be fancy dress then.

ROBIN
It certainly appears that way. I hate fancy dress!

ALAN
Yeah, fancy dress is stupid.

GRACE
Oh no! I think it's a lot of fun!

ALAN
Yeah... actually it is if I think about it.

ROBIN
Alan, do you ever think for yourself any more or have you just given up?

Alan turns to Grace.

ROBIN
Well don't look to her for your answer! This is... ugh!

Robin turns his full attention back on his laptop.

GRACE
It's really bad for you to spend so much time on that computer. Why don't you watch some TV with us?

ROBIN
Because you've got Will and Grace on it!

ALAN
You on Facebook?

ROBIN
Yep.

Robin takes a few moments to look at the photos.

ROBIN
You know, I think the time has finally come for me to accept that our bathroom just has a very flattering mirror.

GRACE
Wait a minute, let me just show you this really funny photo I found.

Grace snatches Robin's laptop away from him without his permission and then takes an uncomfortable amount of time in looking for the photo that she mentioned.

GRACE
Here.

Robin and Alan lean over to look at the photo.

CLOSE UP - We see Robin, Alan and Grace sat at a sofa in the same order that appears to be in a student bar. Robin and Alan are dressed casually. Alan is wearing more nerdy-looking glasses and looking nervous about being there. Grace is dressed as a Smurf and doing her best to look attractive to the camera.

GRACE
Oh dear! Look how awful I look!

ROBIN
I'm sorry, how is this funny? I don't get it?

ALAN
Wiggles is dressed as a Smurf.

ROBIN
Oh please don't call her that when you're talking to me! It's embarrassing. Those girls just thought we were weird.

ALAN
What girls?

ROBIN
Remember, when we were at Divine Darkness we dumped into two goth girls.

ALAN
Oh yeah! That was the night I got completely smashed!

ROBIN
You're still proud of that aren't you?

ALAN
I really want to get drunk more often. I'm actually very attractive when I'm drunk, girls come on to me all the time. I let them down gently because I've found my soul mate of course!

GRACE
But am I still your soul mate when I look like that?

Alan looks directly into Grace's eyes.

ALAN
Of course you are Wiggles!

GRACE
But I...

Grace gestures down at the photo until Alan and Robin are looking at it.

GRACE
But I look terrible there!

ALAN
Oh no! No, you don't! You look fine, you look like you're enjoying yourself, you look.../

GRACE
I'm so ugly...

ALAN
No, no! You're look beautiful, you look like an angel...

Alan continues to appease Grace's sense of vanity. Grace catches the disgusted expression on Robin's face and this annoys her.

GRACE
What's the problem Robin?

ROBIN
Sorry, I didn't mean to...

ALAN
Aww bless him!

GRACE
You must get lonely.

ROBIN
Not this again.

GRACE
You know there are some great people out there if you just go and look.

ROBIN
Could you spare me this lecture please? I've heard it all before.

ALAN
You've find your soul mate one day mate. I'm always here if you need advice.

GRACE
Seriously, you'll know when it happens. It's hard to explain to someone who has never experienced it but love makes you do strange things like stay up all night crying because you're so happy. I don't know it's just like we were made for each other. Our souls are in perfect harmony.

Sorry Cernus, but I'm really not sure about this piece. For me, there was nothing original about the characters or their situation. It was starting to read like just another flat share sitcom.

The dialogue, for me, contained too much exposition and was not very natural and difficult to read in places. It is sometimes necessary to put across information in the dialogue but this should be done much more subtly. There were far too many references from Grace to 'my boyfriend' when they had been in their relationship for 2 years and Robin would have known who she was talking about if she'd used his name.

Maybe it's just me, but I didn't believe that, as adults and students, Grace and Alan would have been going out for 2 years and not have had sex. If this aspect of their relationship is important to the story, then I think it needs to be reinforced, maybe a religious thing or a strange new age hippy 'sex is so last millenium - we achieve a tantric climax through transindental meditation... and Horlix' standpoint.

The character descriptions should, in my opinion, be restricted to their appearance, if it is relevant to the story, and not give an indication of their intended personality. This should be portrayed by the way they speak and act/react to the situations they find themselves in.

In the middle there was a flashback, which is actually one of my pet hates, but, putting that aside, you have to bear in mind that, from a production point of view, this would require a new set to be constructed just for this one small scene, which is not cost effective. In any event, I was unclear how you intended the email to be put across, I got the impression that we were supposed to be reading it on the screen and this, in my view, would not work particularly well as it was long and complicated, taking too much time. In this instance, I couldn't see it's relevance to the story in any case. If it is relevant, I would suggest getting the information across in another way. I wasn't entirely sure that Alan didn't cover it in the subsequent scene anyway. Incidentally, I would avoid making references to other shows, particularly when indicating how a piece of dialogue is spoken or how someone looks as you want a reader to believe that everything is fresh and original, so pointing out where your insparation comes from is contrary to this. It is also irrelevant if the reader is not familiar with the reference.

On a positive note, you've written 3 scenes and had the balls to post it on here, so that's a good start. I would suggest you get to the end of the episode before you worry too much about polishing it as you will almost certainly find that, as the plot unwinds, things that you wrote initially will fall be the wayside.

If you haven't read 'How to be a Sitcom Writer' by Marc Blake, I'd recommend it as a good guide for beginners with a lot of useful advice.

Hi Cernus, it's a neat idea, but I would like to offer some criticisms to help you make this as best as it can be.

Just my humble opinion, but I think you overdo the 'she won't dump me', 'oh yes she will' stuff before the punchline at the very beginning. Even tho the joke *is* funny, it doesn't feel as funny as it should, or even at all. I thought to myself 'why should this be?'. And I think the reason is that the pay-off of the joke doesn't quite match the heavy build up. Does that make sense to you?
Also, I feel it would be a greater moment of bathos if his phone merely bleeped (as per a text), he looks at it, and then delivers the punchline. But that's just me.

I don't exactly understand the following. Perhaps you could reword it...(?)
"Robin is pessimistic, dressed to blend in. Grace sees herself as "proper". She is narcissistic and condescending." There are a few other places where you get a bit of a jam going on, and it's not altogether easy to see what's being said. Have a think about that.

Robin seems to loathe Brigit but nonetheless seems to be the one who's keen on going to the party. What is the motivation for this? Seems a tad odd to me. I mean to say, what is the compelling motivation for us, the audience, to go along with this and be interested in this kind of situation which is developing? I'm not saying the scenario is fatally flawed, only that as it stands at present I don't feel like it's working for me in the ways I just outlined.

When Grace asks 'did we all go in fancy dress last year', you could maybe put a joke here. Feel free to disregard this (LOL!), but something like the following (I am not giving an exact wording of how I would put it in the scriptl this is just the idea): Robin then says that most people went as Smurfs, but you [=Robin] went as MenInBlack [or James Bond], to which Robin replies "I did?"........ If you don't get the joke, then perhaps it's a shit one anyway, so feel free to burn it on the fire ha! :-D

I love long, mindless, innane, what I guess you could call "reality" dialogues along the lines of something Tarantino would write. Indeed, I tend to write this way myself... which is a bad thing, really, considering Tarantino can only pull this off because he is such a brilliant writer. I feel generally it is better to be economical with words -- in fact, it's needful to be unrealistically economical with words! The key is to write dialogue that FEELS natural but, when you analyse it, is actually anything but natural, especially in terms of its clipped nature. No mean feat, but that's really what you need to do. Please look at some scripts of actual successful sitcoms and see how much is conveyed without words or with very few, and then look at your script. I'm not being cryptically callous here, I promise! I'm only offering my ha'p'orth's advice.

Also, what steve by any other name said. I especially especially agree with his forelast paragraph: writers write. That's how come they (and by "they", I mean "us") are writers. You'll only get better by practising your craft and having the balls to put your stuff out there. So well done!

Welcome aboard.
Sorry Cernus, It left me unsatisfied - a bit like 2 years without, as it were.
Go with "By Any Other Name's" comments and observations and you will benefit.

My own mumble opinion is that it's YET another Bed-Sitcom. I did like your dialogues, even tho they need to be somewhat butchered and sharpened up.
From what I've seen you have every reason to be optimistic and to keep going.
I wish power to your pen and strength to your scripts. Write on, baby.

Thanks very much for your feedback, I have found it extremely useful. There are a few points and responses I would like to give:

I should point out that the inciting event that defines the situation occurs directly after these first few scenes. I chose not to reveal what the situation is as I am very concerned about how an audience will react based on the introduction and you have confirmed my worst fears that initially it comes across as just another appartment share sitcom. I've completely rewritten the start and changed the location to a bar instead of the house.

Believe it or not Steve but Alan and Grace are actually a real couple that I have encountered. The constant "my boyfriend" stuff is an upshot of her sense of narcissism that she needs to stress the point that she has a boyfriend to everyone she meets. But I think you make a valid point and I dealt with this far to heavy handedly and I have toned it down.

The flashback sequence has been removed and instead is explained through an exchange of dialogue.

The "Generic Bar" joke/scene has been rewritten and instead the viewer sees video camera footage of Robin and Alan during Fresher's Week. The joke still works (and hopefully works better) doing this and it is more relevant to the plot and also gives me an opportunity to reduce the extensive exposition.

I've rewritten the character descriptions based on advice given.

You are right in pointing out that Robin's motivation seems unclear as why he wants to go to Brigit's birthday Bryan. The answer is down to peer pressure, although I didn't get this across in the script. This is something that I will address.

Thanks once again for your honest appraisals, I can't stress enough how useful it's been! Perhaps if it isn't too cheeky I'll post my rewrite sometime soon, although on reflection maybe I'll post a smaller snippet...