EXT. DAY.
PRESENTER:
Last week we met a man who was 7 foot 7inches and liked nothing better than standing on a footpath at night with a big torch on his head. We managed to prove that he is not in fact a street light.
This week on 'So You Think You're a Lamp post' we meet a mother and daughter Julie and Susie who claim to be descended from old-time footballer, Billy Lampost. We sample the evidence and attempt to discover if they are in fact related to the enigmatic football star. But who was Billy Lampost?
It could be said that William Liam 'Billy' Lampost was always ahead of his time. He was born in the town of Ashton on 4th November 1881 which would have made him four and a half months premature but after a stern talking to and the promise of polish for his hair the doctors convinced him to go back in.
Billy was born for the second time on 20th March 1882. The extra months of gestation were not kind to Billy and he was born with a full moustache and what the medics referred to as 'a deaf leg'. The doctors of Ashton it must be remembered were some of the poorest in the country and explained his leg defect as follows:
'His left leg will find it hard to hear what his head is thinking so his leg has to guess what his brain is telling his leg to do which results in an uncontrollable left leg'.
It kicked when he walked, it would stretch when he hopped or run when he sat. As you can imagine, things were not easy for Billy in school. A ten year old with a full moustache and a leg with a life of it's own. The other kids would tease him and call him names like 'dirt-lip' and 'haunted-leg' or 'Billie' instead of 'Billy'.
It meant that Billy became introverted and very much a loner. He would run to the local lake and would play strange games like attempting to climb the lake, he would throw rocks at stones and he would pretent his hair was grass.
After one particularly bad day of bullying, Billy fled the school and ran, hopped, jumped and knelt his way to the lake.
He began thumping the ground in rage with his wild leg and then he began to notice that he was moving vertically, downwards. He was falling. He kept falling until he landed, at which point he stopped and found himself in a dark cave.
It is said that the cave had been inhabited thousands of years previously by a strange race that were blessed with lightening-quick reflexes and speed. Some say they were an unknown race that died-off during the last Ice Age, others say that they were an alien race that just disappeared, more say.....other things.
No one truly knows what happened in the cave but when Billy emerged his leg was perfect and his moustache.....well his moustache was still there but a 50% improvement isn't bad.
An elderly neighbour asked Billy if he had had an epiphany but Billy did not know what that was so that question did'nt really go anywhere.
Billy was delighted with his new found freedom but he was still a loner and an outcast in school and the other boys would not let him play football with them so Billy would play football by himself every evening when he got home from school. After 2 years his parents bought him a ball. This was the turning point. Finally he had something to kick.
Billy was a natural and had the touch and skill of a man twice his age. It seemed as though the reflexes and speed of the mysterious cave-dwelling race had somehow tranferred to Billy.
He had always been a huge fan of local side Ashton Town and liked nothing better than showing up at their ground on a Saturday afternoon when they were not playing and would climb the length of the pitch, he would then leave bottles of milk all around the pitch and would take the milk on in a match.
If he was able to beat the milk without knocking a single bottle his award was to drink all the milk. If he lost or knocked a bottle over he had to drink the milk as punishment.
It was during one of these 'Milk Cups' that a few of the players showed up and were so impressed that they told him to bugger off but the manager had spotted him and the now 17 year old Billy went straight into the 1st team and became an instant hero in Ashton for his silky skills and lightening pace.
Those who saw him say he was the best footballer they had ever seen and that included all the players that they had not even seen or heard of. Even 'Blind' Sandy Macklin said he was by far the best footballer he had ever heard or smelled.
Billy seemed to have it all which was a far cry from a 10 year old Joseph Stalin look-a-like with a mad leg. He helped Ashton Town to 4 titles and 3 FA Cups between 1900 and 1905.
Billy didnt realise it at the time but the 1905 FA Cup final would be his last match for the club. Billy suffered a freak injury and due to the below par medical team, many of whom were also miners, and their inability to understand his leg, Billy was forced to retire at the age of 23.
He could regularly be seen after that passed out at local creamarys in the dead of night. It was after one of these nights that Billy ran into the darkness, never to be seen again. There are 47 theories put forward as to what became of Billy, perhaps we are now about to find out the answer....
Welcome Julie and Susie. You say that you are descended from Billy Lampost?
JULIE:
That is correct. Billy would be my grandfather and Susie's great grandad or vice versa, whichever appears most plausible to you.
PRESENTER:
(QUIETLY) and my faith in this undertaking has just dropped to nothing... (normal voice) Okay and what proof do you have that you are related?
JULIE:
Well I'm Susie's mum. I gave birth to her when I was 20. I was there and everything when it happened. If you...
PRESENTER:
No how do you know that the two of you are related to Bi-
SUSIE INTERRUPTS.
SUSIE:
She's my mum. She gave birth to a baby and that baby is now me, Susie.
PRESENTER:
Look I know you are mother and daughter but my question is how do you know that you are related to Billy Lampost?
JULIE:
Where do we start... I am so certain of it. I never knew my grandad. My grandmother was on the Titanic you know. She told us a story of how she survived the iceberg and made it to the U.S. She went down to Cancun with a few friends and fell in love with a man known as Billo Lamposto, which is Spanish for 'Billy Lampost'. She told us she had a brief liason with him. I suppose you could call it sex.
She told us she had 47 one-night stands with him. The exact same number as the amount of theories put forward as to what happened to him. One of these one night stands produced my mother.
My mother was born with a moustache and Susie always says she can never hear anything with her legs.
PRESENTER:
Ok we will perform a DNA test to prove this beyond doubt.
JULIE AND SUSIE AT THE DNA TEST:
I just know we are related. You know when you have that feeling in your heart of hearts. I always felt something and eventhough I only heard of Billy Lampost a few years ago I always had an inner knowing I was related to an old footballer. I always knew I felt importance in my blood. This is so thrilling..
GENEOLOGIST:
If I can just stick this little swab into your mouths. HE TURNS TO CAMERA
We use the swab sometimes when the people we are testing just won't shut the f**k up. Okay ladies if you just go into the next room they will perform the dna test.
PRESENTER:
Ladies the results are back.
THE LADIES GET EXCITED.
PRESENTER:
And I can tell you that you..................................are not related to Billy Lampost.
JULIE:
(dumbfounded) B-b-but all the evidence......I-is there anything you can do?
PRESENTER:
You mean make you be related? I'm afraid not andthat's not the only bad news. We also found out that you are not related to each other either.
SUSIE:
W-what do you mean?
PRESENTER:
I dunno you must be adopted or something. It will make for an interesting conversation on the way home.
WE CAN SEE JULIE AND SUSIE IN THE BACKGROUND IN UTTER SHOCK.
PRESENTER:
Thats all we have time for folks. Bye bye.
END.
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P.S. If you would like to find out more about Billy Lampost please visit your local library. Mary at the desk will direct you to this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDcosGgb3AU
