Chess Wags

Hi, Ok so this is the second offering from the collaborative efforts of Scratchyr and Bigfella, the first being the tracker sketch. But anyone who read it I think worked that out pretty quickly. As ever, thoughts welcome.

SCENE 1 INT. DAY
A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG GIRL (JENNIFER) IS SAT ON A SOFA SMILING

V/O : First it was rock stars, then footballers. Now it seems young girls only have one objective in mind when searching for a potential husband. They all want to hook a chess player. Jennifer tells her story.

Jennifer : My old boyfriend was just a draughts player. He meant well but looking back I knew I wanted something more, move up a grade. I messed about on the Ludo circuit a while, but it was inevitable that I would move in on chess players. I've been out with five so far, I'm still looking for my own shining knight.

V / O : What would be the ultimate for you and girls like you?

Jennifer : I want a grand master. I don't care what it takes. Even if I have to sacrifice some of those little ones with the big round heads.

V / O : Pawns?

Jennifer: Grandparents.

V / O : Of course whenever there is a major international tournament, theres a mountain of press attention on the chess WAGS

Cut to :

SCENE 2 EXT. NIGHT

SHOTS OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN WALKING INTO POSH HOTEL WITH EXPENSIVE SHOPING BAGS. FLASHES OF CAMERAS GOING OFF ANYWHERE.

V / O The most famous of the Chess WAGS, is, of course, Tiffany Bells, reality TV star and wanna-be fashion icon. We caught up with her out to dinner with her husband, the reigning world champion, Alexi Rookenov.

Cut to :

SCENE 3 INT. NIGHT

RESTAURANT. TIFFNEY ( V.BECKHAM LOOK ALIKE) AND ALEXI ( THIN GEEKY MAN, GREASY HAIR) ALEXI IS HOLDING HIS KNIFE AND FORK AND STARING INTENTLY AT HIS PLATE, AS THOUGH IT WERE A CHESS BOARD.

V/O Tiffany, you are one of the most envied women in the world. Tell me, what is it like to be married to such a superstar.

Tiffney : Life is a non-stop roller-coster with Alexi. He knows how to move a woman's rook to her Queen's bishop 2, which is a first as far as men go. There is so much to do, so much to talk about.

ALEXI IS STILL STARING AT HIS PLATE, THEN HIS FACE LIGHTS UP LIKE HE HAS HAD A WAVE OF INSPIRATION. HE PUTS DOWN HIS KNIFE, PICKS UP THE SALT AND MOVES IT A FEW INCHES LIKE HE IS MOVING A CHESS PIECE. HE GIVES A LOOK OF STATISFACTION AND LOOKS FIRMLY AT TIFFANY AS THOUGH HE IS PLAYING HER IN A GAME.

Tiffany : (SQUEALS IN DELIGHT) : Good one Darling. (TO V/O) See, we laugh a lot too.

V / O: As with all social circles there divisions. Poland's Joanna Szymiec finds herself at odds with the other WAGS as she is currently dating the super computer, Kingmaker 5000.
Cut to

SCENE 4 EXT. DAY

JOANNA IS SITTING BY AN OUTDOOR SWIMMING POOL. ON A SUN LOUNGER LAYS A LARGE ELECTRICAL BOX.

Joanna: Some people may think I'm only in it for the lifestyle but I love him to bits...and bytes.

Kingmaker 5000: Affirmative. Running programme mutual adulation.

Joanna: He's got over five hundred terabytes, he can predict an opponent's move three weeks before the opponent even knows he wants to be a chess player.

Kingmaker 5000: Running programme abashed false modesty.

Joanna: The other girls, they think they are better than me because Kingie can't enter tournaments. Point is, he can beat all their men hands down. And of course Kingie is in almost every chess lover's house in the world. The wonders of software licensing.

Kingmaker 5000: Running programme count the dosh.

JOANNA STROKES THE BOX

Joanna : I love it when you talk dirty.

Cut to:

SCENE 5 INT.NIGHT. RESTAURANT.

V/O: Of course there are downsides to dating someone with the kind of mind it takes to be a grand master.

ALEXI IS HANDING OVER A CHEQUE TO PAY FOR THE MEAL AND GIGGLING.

Tiffany: Every time we go out you have to make your little joke.

Alexi: Sorry.

Cut to:

SCENE 6 INT. DAY. LOUNGE AREA

TIFFANY AND ALEXI ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA IN THEIR HOME HOLDING HANDS.

Tiffany: Of course we want to start a family. I'd like a little boy.

Alexi: I'd like a little girl. Boys can only move one square at a time.

Tiffany: Remember what the doctor told you? A little boy. Yes? The Bishop
presiding over the baptism.

Alexi: The black one?

Tiffany : Yeah, I don't care as long as the pictures are in KO.

ALEXI LOOKS ALL DREAMY

Alexi : King's Opening Magazine! My favourite read.

Tiffany: I know....shall we....you know...go upstairs and try for that little boy.

ALEXI AND TIFFANY STAND AND LEAVE

Cut to

SCENE 7 INT. NIGHT.BEDROOM

ALEXI AND TIFFANY ARE UNDER THE COVERS, GIGGLING IS TAKING PLACE AND THEN A LITTLE MOAN OF PLEASURE ALEXI'S HAND REACHES OUT AND TAPS THE CHESS CLOCK ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE.

Alexi : Your move.

ENDS

Nice idea, with some good gags, but I think it could use tightening.

Some ideas...

I'd probably rework it so that the supercomputer's WAG reveal is the punchline. E.g. cut to six months later and Tiffany has traded in her grandmaster for a machine. No need for any of the rest of that scene.

The current punch is good, but I'd stick it somewhere else, and I'd make it clearer that he's just gone down on her, now she is expected to go down on him. He pops out from under the covers, hits the clock, "Your turn", she goes under the covers.

"He knows how to move a woman's rook to her Queen's bishop 2" I'd change to "He knows how to move his Bishop into Queen's Rook" or something, if you want to make the phallic imagery work.

It took me a couple of minutes for me to figure out what the "cheque" joke was about. If you're going to use it, you may want to make it clearer. "Can you take a check, mate? (GUFFAWS)" or summingk.

When he moves the salt pot, you could make it in response to "pass the salt" or something.

Cheers Kevin. Some good points in there. Agree about the phallic imagery and the response to pass the salt for sure.

The reason the "check mate" line is not explicit is because it felt too groany and wanted to reduce it to a "think about it" one hoping that people could work it out, even if it only sunk in later, which was what happened for you, so it came out as intended but can see that not everyone will be a fan of this so will definitely take the comment on board.

Can you tell this is written by two people with different styles? As we are both new to collaboration I winder if you can see the joins or if it blends ok?

Thanks for the feedback. most appreciated

Hi Kevin,

Would agree with scratchyr, some good points made there.

Thanks for your thoughts.

I like the idea, and the girl going out with the Chess computer is inspired.
It does seem as if there are two styles competing in there, but I can't be sure without knowing who wrote which lines.
But I feel that the wordplay & the realistic docu parody elements don't always blend so well in places

This line didn't really make sense for me
Jennifer : I want a grand master. I don't care what it takes. Even if I have to sacrifice some of those little ones with the big round heads.

Although the grandparents line was funny.

Also I wasn't sure about this on
Joanna: Some people may think I'm only in it for the lifestyle but I love him to bits...and bytes.

Maybe love him to megabits, Bits & Bytes seems a little forced.

Also this line didn't quite make sense to me
Alexi: I'd like a little girl. Boys can only move one square at a time.

Ok I've just worked that one out as I wrote it down
so forget that

I liked This line, it did make me laugh.

Joanna: He's got over five hundred terabytes, he can predict an opponent's move three weeks before the opponent even knows he wants to be a chess player.

Also the opening line seemed quiite natural & set up the style of the sketch well
Jennifer : My old boyfriend was just a draughts player. He meant well but looking back I knew I wanted something more, move up a grade. I messed about on the Ludo circuit a while, but it was inevitable that I would move in on chess players. I've been out with five so far, I'm still looking for my own shining knight.

There were some good bits in there & the style was nice.
But it seemed like a bit too much was crammed in.
When collaborating I imagine that the problem is often keeping the sketch tight as It's not so easy to cut the other persons lines out and keep the premise simple.

I thought this was reminiscent of the Python docu-style sketches. I liked lots of it. I would keep the 'little ones with the big round heads'joke. That made me laugh.

I think it might be a little long and I would agree with rewording the line 'love him to bits....and bytes.

But plenty of lol moments and overall very strong.

I think the collaboration worked and will get better the more you work together.

Nick work lads!

Quote: scratchyr @ February 18 2010, 9:50 AM GMT

SCENE 1 INT. DAY
A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG GIRL (JENNIFER) IS SAT ON A SOFA SMILING

V/O : First it was rock stars, then footballers. Now it seems young girls only have one objective in mind when searching for a potential husband. They all want to hook a chess player. Jennifer tells her story.

View original

Nice docu-style start, I'd probably lose the last sentence.

Quote: scratchyr @ February 18 2010, 9:50 AM GMT

V / O : What would be the ultimate for you and girls like you?

Jennifer : I want a grand master. I don't care what it takes. Even if I have to sacrifice some of those little ones with the big round heads.

V / O : Pawns?

Jennifer: Grandparents.

View original

It's a nice gag but it feels shoe-horned in to me. Why would she sacrifice grandparents and why would the V/O automatically think she meant pawns? She is a wannabe WAG not the chess player so would she necessarily be using chess terminology? Maybe I'm being too literal.

Quote: scratchyr @ February 18 2010, 9:50 AM GMT

SCENE 4 EXT. DAY

JOANNA IS SITTING BY AN OUTDOOR SWIMMING POOL. ON A SUN LOUNGER LAYS A LARGE ELECTRICAL BOX.

Joanna: Some people may think I'm only in it for the lifestyle but I love him to bits...and bytes.

Kingmaker 5000: Affirmative. Running programme mutual adulation.

Joanna: He's got over five hundred terabytes, he can predict an opponent's move three weeks before the opponent even knows he wants to be a chess player.

Kingmaker 5000: Running programme abashed false modesty.

Joanna: The other girls, they think they are better than me because Kingie can't enter tournaments. Point is, he can beat all their men hands down.

View original

Very nice scene but I don't think the following lines( quoted below ) serve much purpose and I can't imagine a WAG saying something like this, unless as it's chess the WAGs are meant to be posh, well-turned out and not orange? Once again maybe me being too literal.

Quote: scratchyr @ February 18 2010, 9:50 AM GMT

And of course Kingie is in almost every chess lover's house in the world. The wonders of software licensing.

View original

Quote: scratchyr @ February 18 2010, 9:50 AM GMT

ALEXI AND TIFFANY ARE UNDER THE COVERS, GIGGLING IS TAKING PLACE AND THEN A LITTLE MOAN OF PLEASURE ALEXI'S HAND REACHES OUT AND TAPS THE CHESS CLOCK ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE.

Alexi : Your move.

ENDS

View original

Very nice ending!

Overall thought it was a nice idea but it felt as though it didn't know whether to be a realistic mockumentary-style piece or a gag heavy, play on words type sketch with references made to chess and relating everything to the game.
I think it could go in a number of directions, a Bellamy's people kind of idea which would allow the cutting between scenes but then I'd recommend sticking to one character and chart the break up of her relationship with one player then she goes off with the chess computer at the end. Alternatively, a short film/mockumentary but that would probably work better if there wasn't so much word play by the WAGs. But considered just as a 'sketch' it feels like there are two dialogues, the sensible, naturalistic angle and the word-play, surreal angle.

Hope you can make sense of my wittering.

(I like the underlying idea lots, it offers a lot of possibilities)

All wittering gratefully received Giggle-o. Over riding theme seems to be positive so a good place to start.

Well I knew I was going to love it when I read it was a Scratchy and Big Fellatio collaboration, and it didn't disappoint.

It did remind me of the Somerset Championships in '97, you guys weren't there were you?

I loved 'Your turn' and I agree with the previous feedback, it's a good sketch, but needs to be jiggled about to make it slot into place.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 18 2010, 3:07 PM GMT

I like the idea, and the girl going out with the Chess computer is inspired.
It does seem as if there are two styles competing in there, but I can't be sure without knowing who wrote which lines.
But I feel that the wordplay & the realistic docu parody elements don't always blend so well in places

This line didn't really make sense for me
Jennifer : I want a grand master. I don't care what it takes. Even if I have to sacrifice some of those little ones with the big round heads.

Although the grandparents line was funny.

Also I wasn't sure about this on
Joanna: Some people may think I'm only in it for the lifestyle but I love him to bits...and bytes.

Maybe love him to megabits, Bits & Bytes seems a little forced.

Also this line didn't quite make sense to me
Alexi: I'd like a little girl. Boys can only move one square at a time.

Ok I've just worked that one out as I wrote it down
so forget that

I liked This line, it did make me laugh.

Joanna: He's got over five hundred terabytes, he can predict an opponent's move three weeks before the opponent even knows he wants to be a chess player.

Also the opening line seemed quiite natural & set up the style of the sketch well
Jennifer : My old boyfriend was just a draughts player. He meant well but looking back I knew I wanted something more, move up a grade. I messed about on the Ludo circuit a while, but it was inevitable that I would move in on chess players. I've been out with five so far, I'm still looking for my own shining knight.

There were some good bits in there & the style was nice.
But it seemed like a bit too much was crammed in.
When collaborating I imagine that the problem is often keeping the sketch tight as It's not so easy to cut the other persons lines out and keep the premise simple.

View original

Thanks for this Steve. Again, all good points. We're scrapping the bits and bytes.

Interesting you say that there seemed to be two styles. I didn't think it came over that way. But no doubt that will improve. Interestingly the opening paragraph is a real mix of both of us.

Quote: Otterfox @ February 18 2010, 5:46 PM GMT

I thought this was reminiscent of the Python docu-style sketches. I liked lots of it. I would keep the 'little ones with the big round heads'joke. That made me laugh.

I think it might be a little long and I would agree with rewording the line 'love him to bits....and bytes.

But plenty of lol moments and overall very strong.

I think the collaboration worked and will get better the more you work together.

Nick work lads!

View original

Thanks Otterfox - yeap we hope it will get better.

Giggle-O - thanks for this, very detailed feedback, and not wittering at all. Appreciate your thoughts

Angie - glad you liked it. Just getting the slotting into place.

If you liked this one try this https://www.comedy.co.uk/forums/post/586168/ our first effort together.

Great idea but way to much into.

You need to trust your funiness more.

Quote: bigfella @ February 18 2010, 9:25 PM GMT

Interesting you say that there seemed to be two styles. I didn't think it came over that way. But no doubt that will improve. Interestingly the opening paragraph is a real mix of both of us.

View original

I think it was more a clsah of documentary type realism & silly word play.
both of which were good & would work seperately but seemed to clash slightly in places in this particular sketch.

So it wasn't neccessarily a clash of writing styles.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 18 2010, 9:28 PM GMT

I think it was more a clsah of documentary type realism & silly word play.
both of which were good & would work seperately but seemed to clash slightly in places in this particular sketch.

So it wasn't neccessarily a clash of writing styles.

View original

I see what you mean. We are getting our little choppers out on it.

Quote: sootyj @ February 18 2010, 9:26 PM GMT

You need to trust your funiness more.

View original

Then we're in real trouble!!!

Thanks for your thoughts Soots.

I just mean "chess wags" is an original idea that jumps off the page and probably the stage even more.

Having a line introducing it kills a lot of the laughs for no appreciable gain.

Quote: bigfella @ February 18 2010, 9:32 PM GMT

...We are getting our little choppers out on it.

View original

Speak for your own chopper!