Family Guy Cut Away #3 - Griffins Meet The

Hey all. This cut away is when the Griffins meet the Mandelas. Feedback greatly appreciated.

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Peter
Lois. This is Nelson. Word has it he's a pretty cool black guy.

Lois
Peter, Mr Mandela was in jail for over 25 years becau -

Peter
Sheesh! Lois would you quit hounding the poor black guy already. Me as a family have always given people second chances. No matter what Nelson has done in his past. We must learn to forgive.

Lois
No Peter. He was in jail for -

Peter
Lois. Don't make me repeat myself. I am so so sorry Nelson. Please accept my apology on behalf of my racist wife.

Lois
Peter

Peter
No Lois. Whatever happened to you sticking to Jews?

Meg enters

Peter (looking at Meg from a distance)
Jesus Christ what the hell is that?

Mandela
Who is this beautiful young lady?

CUT TO A BLUSHING MEG

CUT TO PETER LOOKING BEWILDERED.

Peter
You mean it

Lois
This is Meg, our daughter

Peter
I'm sorry Nelson. Lois hasn't had a Jew in about a week. Your blackness is quenching her vampire like thirst.

Lois
Peter

Peter
You see. She can't help it. She makes Hitler look like Mary fricking Poppins

Mandela
Peter. Lois was only telling me your daughters name. There's no need to -

Peter
Okay Nelson. No offence but that's my wife your talking to. Now if you don't mind.

Peter looks from side to side several times as there is a long silence

Winnie Mandela enters

Peter jumps on top of Lois.

Lois
Peter, get off!

Peter
No. I'm not taking any chances Lois. That funny looking black woman has done nothing wrong.

Mandela
Please, Peter. This is my wife, Winnie.

Peter
Haaa. Yea and I suppose your daughter is called Tigger, no, I bet it's Eyeore, no wait...I bet it's that one that looks like a piglet....what's it.....ummm...you know the one...

Mandela
No Peter. My wife's real name is Winnie.

Peter
Ooh. Awkward.

Any feedback would be much appreciated!

This one didn';t make as much sense as the other one, a few lines didn't ring true for me.

Peter
No Lois. Whatever happened to you sticking to Jews?
Peter
I'm sorry Nelson. Lois hasn't had a Jew in about a week. Your blackness is quenching her vampire like thirst

And from this bit onwards I had trouble understanding the logic of what was going on
Mandela
Peter. Lois was only telling me your daughters name. There's no need to -

Peter
Okay Nelson. No offence but that's my wife your talking to. Now if you don't mind.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 18 2010, 12:48 PM GMT

This one didn';t make as much sense as the other one, a few lines didn't ring true for me.

Peter
No Lois. Whatever happened to you sticking to Jews?

This was referring to Lois sticking to being a racicst towards just the Jews.

Peter
I'm sorry Nelson. Lois hasn't had a Jew in about a week. Your blackness is quenching her vampire like thirst

Again, this was supposed to be as if Lois hasn't attacked a Jew in a week

And from this bit onwards I had trouble understanding the logic of what was going on
Mandela
Peter. Lois was only telling me your daughters name. There's no need to -

Peter
Okay Nelson. No offence but that's my wife your talking to. Now if you don't mind.

This was classic Peter - it would look right on screen but pretty difficult to explain.

View original

Cheers again Steve. This definitely needs tightening up but I think it has potential to be a great scene.

Peter
No Lois. Whatever happened to you sticking to Jews?

This was referring to Lois sticking to being a racicst towards just the Jews.

I guessed that was the point, I just don't think the line is worded as well it could be

Peter
I'm sorry Nelson. Lois hasn't had a Jew in about a week. Your blackness is quenching her vampire like thirst

Again, this was supposed to be as if Lois hasn't attacked a Jew in a week

It was the jump from being just Racist to being violent/vamphyrric that left me behind.

Peter
Okay Nelson. No offence but that's my wife your talking to

This was classic Peter - it would look right on screen but pretty difficult to explain.

I just don't understand what he means with this line. is he trying to protect or reprimand Nelson?

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 18 2010, 1:07 PM GMT

Peter
No Lois. Whatever happened to you sticking to Jews?

This was referring to Lois sticking to being a racicst towards just the Jews.

I guessed that was the point, I just don't think the line is worded as well it could be

Cheers Steve. Will re-word this.

Peter
I'm sorry Nelson. Lois hasn't had a Jew in about a week. Your blackness is quenching her vampire like thirst

Again, this was supposed to be as if Lois hasn't attacked a Jew in a week

It was the jump from being just Racist to being violent/vamphyrric that left me behind.

[b] Yep. You're probably right. I'll re-word this too!

Peter
Okay Nelson. No offence but that's my wife your talking to

This was classic Peter - it would look right on screen but pretty difficult to explain.

I just don't understand what he means with this line. is he trying to protect or reprimand Nelson?

lol. He's basically interupting and cutting people up the whole scene and he does to Nelson without really knowing why. Again, will reword this and tighten it up.

View original

Thanks for all your constructive feedback Steve. Appreciate it

As steve said, this one is not as strong as the first one about the birds.

But you definatley have the style of writing down to a t!

keep it up

Here's a test for you, Graig.

Try writing another segment, but change the names of the characters. See if your readers can tell who's-who.

Quote: Jon Pearson @ February 18 2010, 3:05 PM GMT

As steve said, this one is not as strong as the first one about the birds.

But you definatley have the style of writing down to a t!

keep it up

View original

Thanks again Jon. Appreciate your feedback. Definitely needs tightening up.

Quote: Leevil @ February 18 2010, 3:12 PM GMT

Here's a test for you, Graig.

Try writing another segment, but change the names of the characters. See if your readers can tell who's-who.

View original

This is a good idea Leevil.

I'll give it a go.

I'm going to start uploading my scenes to 4shared.com in pdf format so it's better formatted and hopefully easier on the eyes.

I have 3-4 more scenes to come. Hopefully you can give me some feedback on those too.

Cheers again
Craig