A sketch I would like your opinion on.

SCENE 1. INT EVENING – TRAIN CARRIAGE

A MAN IS SAT ON HIS OWN IN A TRAIN CARRIAGE. THE TRAIN HAS STOPPED UNEXPECTEDLY IN A TUNNEL. THE LIGHTS SUDDENLY GO OUT, AND WHEN THEY COME BACK ON A MAN DRESSED ALL IN BLACK AND WITH A GOATEE BEARD IS SAT OPPOSITE HIM, GRINNING.

MAN (M)STARTLED) Jesus!

STRANGER (S)AMUSED) No. But he wishes.

MCONFUSED) Hum. Hi. Sorry about that. You made me jump.

S:That’s ok. I have that effect on everyone.

Mk.

THERE’S AN UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE.

SIMPATIENT) Well?

M:Well what?

S:Aren’t you going to ask me what I want?

Morry. I didn’t realise you wanted anything.

S:Well I do.

Mk.

ANOTHER UNCOMFORTABLE PAUSE. THE MAN JUST SMILES AT THE STRANGER, WHILE THE STRANGER STARES AT HIM AND DRUMS HIS FINGERS ON HIS LEGS.

Sh for Christ sake! Are you a bit backwards or something?

MOFFENDED) No! I’m a member of Mensa.

S:Goody for you. I used to be a member of Gods darts team, before the bastard threw me out for bragging about my 180. But you don’t hear me telling all in sundry do you?

M:God’s darts team?

S:Yes God’s dart team. Used to be the star player until the Angel Gabriel came along. Now he’s a smug bastard. Strutting around like he owns the place. The prick.

Morry, but what is it you want?

S:About bloody time! In short I want your soul?

M:My soul?

S:Is there an echo in here?

M:An echo?

S:If you’re trying to wind me up mate it’s working. Now listen. This train is going to crash any time now.

M:Cra…

Son’t interrupt. God you’re rude. Yes crash. And if you want to survive it, then you have to sell me your soul. I’ll give you a fair price for it. Honest.

MCONFUSED) Who did you say you were again?

S:I’m the Devil mate. You sure you’re not retarded?

M:Look, I’ve had a long day, and I just want to get home and see my wife.

S:Well sell me your soul then! Look I’ll give you 15 years of good fortune and unbelievable riches. That’s my best offer. You can’t get fairer and that.

M:15 years?

Sk then 20. That’s my final offer.

M:Good fortune and unbelievable riches?

S:Jesus. Yes.

M:Could that include giving me a bigger willy?

S:Why do you lot always want bigger willys? Yes, if you want.

Mk then. What do I have to do?

S:Well we shake on it and that’s it.

M:And that’s it?

S:Yep.

Mk.

THE TWO MEN STAND UP. AND JUST AS THEY GO TO SHAKE HANDS, THE CARRIAGE DOOR FLYS OPEN AND A WOMAN ENTERS.

Woman (W)ANGRY) There you are! I’ve been up and down this bloody train looking for you! (TO THE MAN) Sorry if he’s been bothering you. He’s a bloody nuisance.

SWHINNING) Mum! Don’t embarrass me in front of my friends!

M: That’s ok. We were just making a deal that’s all.

Weal?

M:Yes for my soul. I forgot to ask. Do you take part ex’s? My next door neighbors got a perfectly good soul that he doesn’t need. Shall we call it 30 years for the two?

WTO THE STRANGER) Right that’s it! What have I told you? No more souls. You don’t use the ones you have. They just clutter up the place. Plus all that wailing gets right on my tits. Now out!

THE WOMEN PUSHES THE STRANGER OUT OF THE CARRIAGE AND FOLLOWS HIM OUT. THE MAN RUSHES AFTER THEM.

MSHOUTS UP THE CARRIAGE) Wait! I’ll take 25 years for the pair. (PAUSE) Oi! What about my cock extension?

THE MAN WALKS BACK INTO HIS CARRIAGE.

MMUMBLING TO HIMSELF) Bloody time wasters.

THERE’S A LOUD CRASHING NOISE.

Mh fu…

END SCENE

Nice sketch - bit overlong though.

Some pedantic points.

Quote: Little Jimmy Junior @ October 18, 2007, 10:58 AM

MAN (M)STARTLED) Jesus!
STRANGER (S)AMUSED) No. But close.

View original

Jesus and the Devil. Not close at all - they are the exact opposite in anyone's book.

Quote: Little Jimmy Junior @ October 18, 2007, 10:58 AM

Woman: Sorry mate if he’s been bothering you. He’s a bloody nuisance.

View original

Would the Devil's mum address a stranger as 'mate'?

Plus the train crashes in far less than the twenty minutes indicated at the beginning.

Sorry, they are really piddly points but the sketch is a good idea. Kinda mickey taking the Hammer House of Horror genre.

Thanks for that. I've done a little updating. What do you think?

it was good but a bit long. You could perhaps strip out a few of the misunderstanding jokes but it's a good sketch, well done

I liked that once I got into it. Some great lines in there. My fav being:

Wait! I’ll take 25 years for the pair. What about my cock extension?

I'd alter it slightly thus to get the effect I had in my mind...

Wait! I'll take twenty five years for the pair (PAUSE) Oi, what about my cock extension?

Maybe it doesn't make any difference to the rest of mankind, but to me the 'pause and the oi' make it slightly funnier (to my twisted mind).

But good sketch, it's still a little long as has been said! But it gets going really well and the outcome was not quite as expected and that's what counts.

If it was in my little catalogue, I'd be proud of it!