British Comedy Guide

Follow that...

EXT. A ROAD. DAY.

A MAN (TRACKER) IS SQUATTING IN THE ROAD STUDYING A RED SUBSTANCE ON THE FLOOR. ANOTHER MAN (COMPANION) STANDS NEXT TO HIM OBSERVING.

THE TRACKER LIFTS SOME OF THE SUBSTANCE TO HIS LIPS AND SNIFFS IT.

TRACKER:
Strawberry Sauce...

THE TRACKER TASTES THE SUBSTANCE

TRACKER: (CONT"D)
..and a hint of hundreds and thousands. Come on.

THEY RUN TO A NEARBY AREA AND COME TO A HALT. THE TRACKER LOOKS DOWN AT THE PAVEMENT, KNEELS DOWN AND RUNS HIS HANDS OVER THE SURFACE OF THE PAVING SLABS.

TRACKER:
Look scuff marks. Pretty recent too. Maybe as many as seven children were here.

HE FOLLOWS SOME OF THE MARKS ALONG THE PAVEMENT.

TRACKER: (CONT"D)
Someone's Zoom was melting...only got as far as the orange bit. Come on we may be too late.

FX: DISTANT ICE CREAM VAN MUSIC.

TRACKER:
Quiet. You hear that? He's calling to the herd.

COMPANION:
Distress....?

TRACKER:
I fear you may be right.

THE TRACKER NOTICES A WHITE SUBSTANCE LEADING AWAY. THE TRACKER BENDS DOWN AND TAKES A SMALL AMOUNT ON HIS FINGERS AND PLAY WITH IT THOUGHTFULLY.

TRACKER :
Still some firmness left, we're getting closer.

THEY RUN A SHORT WAY DOWN THE ROAD. THE COMPANION STOPS, GRABS THE TRACKER AND POINTS.

COMPANION:
Sir! You might want to see this.

ON THE FLOOR IS ARE PILE OF SCATTERED CHOCOLATE FLAKES

TRACKER:
He's dumping his flakes.

COMPANION:
Sir. Shall we go back and have a 99?

TRACKER:
There's no time.

THEY BOTH PICK UP SOME CHOCOLATE FLAKE. PUT IN THEIR MOUTHS AND CHEW.

COMPANION:
Too crumbly.

TRACKER:
I have taught you well.

COMPANION:
Maybe in trouble?

TRACKER:
He's wounded, Others will have picked up the scent. He could be desperate... dangerous.

SCENE TWO:

THE TRACKER AND COMPANION ARE HIDDEN BEHIND A SAND DUNE, LOOKING OVER THE TOP. THE ICE CREAM VAN IS STATIONARY, IT'S TUNE PLAYING SOFTLY AND SLOWLY LIKE A CASETTEE PLAYER WITH IT'S BATTERY RUNNING OUT. A GROUP OF PEOPLE DRESSED IN BEACH WEAR ARE CRAWLING ALL OVER THEVAN AND HELPING THEMSELVES TO ALL THE ICED GOODS.

COMPANION:
We're too late sir, too late.

THEY CHASE AND SHOO AWAY THE BEACH GOERS.

COMPANION:
Such a senseless waste. Why must it be this way?

TRACKER:
Life's savage game. It is not yours to question anymore than it is mine to answer.

HE PATS HIS COMPANION ON THE BACK IN A COMFORTING GESTURE.

TRACKER:
Come on, we may have lost this one but there are more out there that we can still save.

THEY RUN PURPOSEFULLY INTO THE DISTANCE

END.

Why did this come up as Bigfella's sketch before?

There was a lot to like about this, the dialogue towards the end is very nice and the image of people crawling over the ice cream van like zombies is good too.

(I think it needs reading twice to fully appreciate what's going on tbh, that's not a criticism)

Quote: scratchyr @ February 17 2010, 12:10 AM GMT

EXT. A ROAD. DAY.

A MAN (TRACKER) IS SQUATTING IN THE ROAD STUDYING A RED SUBSTANCE ON THE FLOOR. ANOTHER MAN (COMPANION) STANDS NEXT TO HIM OBSERVING.

THE TRACKER LIFTS SOME OF THE SUBSTANCE TO HIS LIPS AND SNIFFS IT.

TRACKER:
Strawberry Sauce...

THE TRACKER TASTES THE SUBSTANCE

TRACKER: (CONT"D)
..and a hint of hundreds and thousands. Come on.

THEY RUN TO A NEARBY AREA AND COME TO A HALT. THE TRACKER LOOKS DOWN AT THE PAVEMENT, KNEELS DOWN AND RUNS HIS HANDS OVER THE SURFACE OF THE PAVING SLABS.

TRACKER:
Look scuff marks. Pretty recent too. Maybe as many as seven children were here.

HE FOLLOWS SOME OF THE MARKS ALONG THE PAVEMENT.

TRACKER: (CONT"D)
Someone's Zoom was melting...only got as far as the orange bit. Come on we may be too late.

FX: DISTANT ICE CREAM VAN MUSIC.

TRACKER:
Quiet. You hear that? He's calling to the herd.

COMPANION:
Distress....?

TRACKER:
I fear you may be right.

THE TRACKER NOTICES A WHITE SUBSTANCE LEADING AWAY. THE TRACKER BENDS DOWN AND TAKES A SMALL AMOUNT ON HIS FINGERS AND PLAY WITH IT THOUGHTFULLY.

TRACKER :
Still some firmness left, we're getting closer.

THEY RUN A SHORT WAY DOWN THE ROAD. THE COMPANION STOPS, GRABS THE TRACKER AND POINTS.

COMPANION:
Sir! You might want to see this.

ON THE FLOOR IS ARE PILE OF SCATTERED CHOCOLATE FLAKES

TRACKER:
He's losing flakes and fast.

THEY BOTH PICK UP SOME CHOCOLATE FLAKE. PUT IN THEIR MOUTHS AND CHEW.

COMPANION:
It's crumbly sir.

TRACKER:
Yes. I have taught you well.

[remove]COMPANION:
Sir. Shall we go back and have a 99?[/remove]

I would replace this with something quick fire after the flakes to drop another hint as to what they are trying to save.

COMPANION
Oh no. Look sir (pause) bon..bons!

TRACKER (taking a deep in-take of breath)
No. No it can't be. It's trying every trick in the book. He must be wounded, others will have picked up the scent.

SCENE TWO:

THE TRACKER AND COMPANION ARE HIDDEN BEHIND A SAND DUNE, LOOKING OVER THE TOP. THE ICE CREAM VAN IS STATIONARY, IT'S TUNE PLAYING SOFTLY AND SLOWLY LIKE A CASETTEE PLAYER WITH IT'S BATTERY RUNNING OUT. A GROUP OF PEOPLE DRESSED IN BEACH WEAR ARE CRAWLING ALL OVER IT AND HELPING THEMSELVES TO ALL THE ICED GOODS.

COMPANION:
We're too late sir, too late. There's allsorts everywhere.

CUT TO LIQUORIS ALLSORTS SCATTERED ALL OVER THE BEACH

THEY CHASE AND SHOO AWAY THE BEACH GOERS.

COMPANION:
Such a senseless waste. Why must it be this way?

TRACKER:
Life's savage game. It is not yours to question anymore than it is mine to answer.

HE PATS HIS COMPANION ON THE BACK IN A COMFORTING GESTURE.

TRACKER:
Come on, we may have lost this one but there are more out there that we can still save.

THEY RUN PURPOSEFULLY INTO THE DISTANCE

END.

Thought it was excellent Dan. The dialogue was really good. Hopefully my ideas can be of help.

Cheers
Craig

Quote: The Giggle-o @ February 17 2010, 12:17 AM GMT

Why did this come up as Bigfella's sketch before?

There was a lot to like about this, the dialogue towards the end is very nice and the image of people crawling over the ice cream van like zombies is good too.

(I think it needs reading twice to fully appreciate what's going on tbh, that's not a criticism)

Cheers Giggle-o. The people were meant to be more like hyenas at a carcass. Do you think this gets lost?

Quote: Craig H @ February 17 2010, 8:26 AM GMT

Thought it was excellent Dan. The dialogue was really good. Hopefully my ideas can be of help.

Hi Craig, I don't think that allsorts really fits into the idea of an ice cream van, seems just there to make a pun on all sorts. Who is Dan?

That's excelent but maybe if you finish at the point they find the icecream van?

Thanks sootyj, so you think leave the last section of dialogue out?

Quote: scratchyr @ February 17 2010, 9:39 AM GMT

Cheers Giggle-o. The people were meant to be more like hyenas at a carcass. Do you think this gets lost?

I personally don't think this gets lost at all - definitely reads the way you intended. I think you should drop more subtle hints into the dialogue to allow for laughter during the scene without giving away the joke (because if you don't know what your laughing at/for!?)

Hi Craig, I don't think that allsorts really fits into the idea of an ice cream van, seems just there to make a pun on all sorts. Who is Dan?

Yea, your probably right. Was good all the same.

What's up with Dan? not suit you? :). Sorry! got you mixed up with swertyd!

Is it a van then? I thought it was giant Ice cream. Clarification scratyr!

Shit! missed out the all important word in the stage direction. cheers Godot. I shall edit. Who is scratyr? Clarification Goot!

Quote: scratchyr @ February 17 2010, 11:18 AM GMT

Shit! missed out the all important word in the stage direction. cheers Godot. I shall edit. Who is scratyr? Clarification Goot!

I noticed it before Godot. If you read my re-write :P

Dan definitely suits you though.

Quote: scratchyr @ February 17 2010, 11:18 AM GMT

Shit! missed out the all important word in the stage direction. cheers Godot. I shall edit. Who is scratyr? Clarification Goot!

You nob Scratchy. I shall re-read it.

Quote: Craig H @ February 17 2010, 11:23 AM GMT

I noticed it before Godot. If you read my re-write :P

I did read your re-write Craig, but what you wrote don't matter shite all to the integrity of the original sketch, now does it...

Quote: Godot Taxis @ February 17 2010, 11:45 AM GMT

You nob Scratchy.

I have the certificate to prove this.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ February 17 2010, 11:47 AM GMT

You nob Scratchy. I shall re-read it.

I did read your re-write Craig, but what you wrote don't matter shite all to the integrity of the original sketch, now does it...

...No. But scratchyr thanked you for pointing it out when in fact I had spotted it out prior to you.

At least neither of us can get names right.

Quote: Godot Taxis @ February 17 2010, 11:47 AM GMT

You nob Scratchy.

I have the video to prove this

Sorry for the bump BCG types. I was humbly hoping for some more feedback on this one as found this very difficult to piece together and wan to know if flows and if the ending could be added to as suggested so far better off chopped.

Nice one Bigfella, sorry I mean Dan.

I've read it once, I thought it was good but it felt like part of something more.
Or rather it takes a little while to work out what's going on.
I was enjoying coming along for the journey but I didn't quiet get exactly what their point was.
Perhaps If I read it again it will make more sense but that's never a good sign for me If I need to read it several times to understand it, even though I'm slow ;-)

Once again though some lovely funny lines/exchanges & nice grounded sillyness.

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