The first extended sketch/monologue for my character Michael Grey. I'm planning on recording a radio version and sending it out to a few production companies just wanted to get some feedback before I record the show rather then after.
Synopsis: Michael Grey a young welsh Conservative with aspirations on becoming a MP outlines his ambitions to represent his local constituency but we soon discover Michael's life is blighted with anti-social behaviour, a lack of friends and a demanding mother.
SCENE: 1
GRAMS: GENTLE CLASSIC MUSIC. EST. AND FADE.
F/X: ATMOS: INT. MICHEAL'S BEDROOM. MORNING. SUBURBIA THROUGH DOUBLE GLAZED WINDOWS
MICHAEL (zealously) Well, I've just renewed my annual membership to the Conservative Party. I plan to become an MP. First thing I'll do is crack down on under-age and binge drinking.
F/X: THE FAINT SOUND OF SHOUTING
MICHAEL (apprehensively) There's a real problem in our country with drunken yobs, roaming the streets, preying on law-abiding citizens, throwing stones at your window.
(belligerently)
"Shouting Michael, Michael you weirdo!"
ACTION: SIGHS
MICHAEL (dismissively) And then we need to improve the education system, these yobs are so uneducated.
(forcefully with venom)
"Michael you Gaylord! Are you in there shagging your mum again?" Now, that doesn't even make sense.
ACTION: WE HEAR MICHAEL PULL BACK HIS BEDROOM CURTAIN THEN SIT BACK DOWN ON HIS CHAIR.
MICHAEL (upbeat) At only £5 a year for under 23s I don't know why more young people don't join up. Well I do, because it's not 'hip' or 'cool', but so many youngsters today are brainless morons.
(a tirade of anger)
With their tattoos and hatchbacks and their backpacking in Thailand. Yes, well Steven and Dan and the others, you didn't invite me on the holiday because you thought my mum wouldn't let me go. She wouldn't have, but that's beside the point. I'm mature enough to respect my mother. And her agoraphobia.
(with true and unbinding sincerity)
Mothers are important. They deserve more respect. When I first mentioned that some friends were thinking of travelling in the gap year mum said "Michael, go if you like. But if you leave me here alone with my panic attacks I will probably kill myself."
F/X: A DISTANT LAUGH FROM DOWN STAIRS. WE CAN JUST ABOUT HEAR A TELEVISION SET.
MICHAEL (a trace of despondency) So in a way, it shows what good friends Steve and Dan are that they didn't even mention the trip to me until after they'd booked it - let alone invite me.
(insincerely)
I wouldn't even have enjoyed it to be honest. Getting drunk and chatting up girls. It would have been a nightmare for me. Not because girls don't like me and just snigger when I try to talk to them and always fancy my mates. I'm just a bit more mature and want a serious relationship, with an intelligent girl.
(fantasizing)
Other young men my age are just interested in fun girls with pretty faces and big boobs and long slim legs that they show off in tight, little dresses... but not me.
(buoyantly)
I prefer personality. My ideal woman would be Mylene Klass, which proves I'm not racist as is the popular misconception of Tory voters. Mylene might have wore a bikini on TV, but I never watched that show or seen any of the Marks and Spencer's adverts of her wearing bikinis in my mum's magazines, but I like her because she seems a clever, nice girl. A bit like a young Margaret Thatcher.
F/X: WE HEAR A SMALL ROCK HIT THE BEDROOM WINDOW.
MICHAEL (slightly riled) But there aren't many girls like that these days, amongst numerous other things. So I like to look smart. I don't know why other young people want to wear their trousers hanging off like rappers and pop stars that are frankly anti-social with their drugs and their criminal activities. I like a shirt and tie like the clean decent idols of the past like Dean Martin and Frank Sinatra. I would also raise questions in parliament about the use of quad bikes by minors.
(narked)
They're extremely dangerous. My ankle has never been the same since I was chased across the rec.
SCENE: 2
ACTION: SOMETIME LATER IN THE DAY.
F/X: ATMOS: INT. MICHEAL'S BEDROOM. LATE MORNING. SUBURBIA THROUGH DOUBLE GLAZED WINDOWS
MICHAEL(agitated) The yobs have just been back. Mum said "ignore them Michael." But I can't. I just hear them shouting "Michael Greylord is a Gaylord!" over and over again as they drink cider on the garden wall. I said to mum "I can't ignore them." She said "put your Michael Buble CD on or put up with the voices - like I have to. I've had the ones telling me to harm you for years." I can say that now because Social Services can't take me away. I'm not gay by the way. I'm not homophobic either. I watch Paul O'Grady with mum and laugh sometimes. He dresses very smartly. But I don't fancy him or anything.
F/X: A LOUD THUD AGAINST THE FRONT DOOR OF THE HOUSE.
ACTION: MICHAEL GETS UP HURRIEDLY AND RACES DOWN THE STAIRS.
SCENE: 3
ACTION: SOMETIME LATER IN THE DAY.
F/X: ATMOS: INT. MICHEAL'S BEDROOM. LATER THAT MORNING. SUBURBIA THROUGH DOUBLE GLAZED WINDOWS
ACTION: MICHAEL IS SHIVERING AND WE CAN HEAR IN HIS VOICE THAT HE HAS BEEN SHAKEN UP.
MICHAEL (anxiously) This jumper is from Marks and Spencer's. Lambswool. Ruined. They threw a bottle of cider over me. Mum said it was urine, but I know it wasn't. I've just phoned the authorities. The Police said they can no longer come out to ours after mum kept ringing about the demons in the skirting board that take the form of Philip Schofield. So I left a message with Neighbourhood Watch. And Crime Stoppers. And emailed the Daily Mail.
(defiantly)
See, I have respect for the law and I'm not going to take the law into my own hands. There's about five of them. Mum said "they're only ten years old." But I know Liam Kingston is at least eleven. This country needs a crack down on yobs, thank God new-Labour's days are numbered. Then we'll see if they dare ruin lambswool.
(pause. sad and wistful)
I wonder if they have yobs in Thailand...
GRAMS: END MUSIC
Thanks.