BSG SKETCH COMP 13-20 OCT

Really great level of entries and enthusiasm this week, good stuff all.

This week's winner is... LAZZARD! Cheers and beers! (PM with your choice of subject for next comp please.)

You win 10 big shiny points and the joy of winning them.

Votes - Points - Name
06 - 10 - Lazzard
05 - 05 - EllieJP
02 - 01 - Frankie Rage

... Honourable mention to Wildjesusfishkid, Dale, Cinnamon and Dave Chapman. And to ContainsNuts for liking the Jesus gag.

This week's topic is... PENSIONERS (chosen by Steven).

Rules:
One entry per person.
Can be a sketch, joke, lyric or anything along those lines.
Please try and only post your entry and no other posts.
You can edit your entry as much as you want, up until the closing time.

Competition Closes: Sat 20 October

Enjoy!

Overall Leader Board then is as follows:-

Points - Name

50 - Baumski
40 - Jude
30 - Charley Rance
17 - Michael Monkhouse
17 - Frankie Rage
16 - Fred Peters
15 - Leevil
15 - Dale
11 - David Chapman
11 - Steven
10 - Lazzard
10 - Swerytd
09 - ajp29
09 - ShoePie
08 - Kent Pete
08 - Stylo
07 - EllieJP
05 - Greggles
05 - Happy Shopper
05 - Timothy Marshal-Nichols
04 - Andy W
04 - losaavedra
02 - Imamazed
02 - Slack Bladder
02 - Paul Nash
02 - Boits
01 - Gavin
01 - Skibbington von Skubber
01 - Ginger Jesus
01 - Nick Rivers
01 - Daddy Maz
01 - Martin Bickle
01 - Hellboy
01 - Winterlight
01 - Batman

Spot any mistakes? Wouldn't surprise me, I'm a nob, so PM me. Thanks

YOB'S YARN

My grandson says I’m a sad old yob.
I say I’m not, so shut your gob.
My great-grand-daughter says that I am thick.
I disagree then haul out my prick.

My great-grandson says I’m getting on a bit.
I say Get out the way, I need a shit.
He says I’m sure you’re not so bad.
I say I am, check out this cholostemy bag.

My neighbour’s old too, I know these things:
I sawed off his leg and counted the rings.
I made him a cake. “It’s your birthday,” I said.
I ate it meself then took a dump in his bed.

Nursie turns out the light, puts me to bed,
Says Go to sleep. I have a wank instead.
Lady in the next bed says You are a caution!
I have my way, make her pay for her own abortion.

Nursie smiles, says I’m still on the ball,
And indeed I am, my own balls that’s all.
She frowns and insists I stop swilling beer.
Doesn’t hear my answer, I have my cock in her ear.

And six months before sweet Nursie retired
I bought up the hospital and had the bitch fired.
And when she broke down and started to cry
She didn’t see me smirk, I had my cock in her eye.

So hear me ladies, and don’t get me wrong,
Just poke your fingers through my thong.
And please next week, now don’t be late,
Vote for me – your local Tory Candidate.

INT. OLD FOLKS HOME – DAY

KENNETH is sitting listening to music in his old folks home surrounded by other old people covered in blankets listening to the music to.

KENNETH
Ah Mary, how this song takes me back. Do you remember Mary…those days of our youth?

WOMAN next to him: Yes dear.

KENNETH
Oh how I enjoyed those days… I remember…

INT. BAR – DAY (DREAM SEQUENCE)

A younger KENNETH sings 50’s music to a bar full of adoring listeners.

EXT. RODEO – DAY

A younger KENNETH is riding horses rodeo style catching cows.

INT. AWARD CEREMONY – NIGHT

younger KENNETH accepting an award on stage.

END DREAM SEQUENCE

INT. OLD FOLKS HOME – DAY

Kenneth has a dazed look on his face.

WOMAN
Don’t be so damn stupid you ol’ wassack… none of that stuff happened. You saw all that in films… you were a tinker boy who has achieved nothing in life except to live above 75 years old. I don’t even know you…and my names not Mary… it’s Francis.

INT. DAY. DOCTORS SURGERY

A PENSIONER SITS DOWN NEXT TO THE DOCTOR

DOCTOR: Ah Mr Rogers. We just need a urine sample so if you could just undo your trousers for me?

THE DOCTOR WAVES A BEAKER AT MR ROGERS WHO STANDS UP AND UNDOES HIS BELT AND ZIP

DOCTOR: Right then...

THE DOCTOR THEN GRABS AN UNZIPPED BIT OF TROUSER FABRIC AND SQUEEZES OUT HALF A BEAKERS WORTH OF URINE

DOCTOR: Perfect!

Pensioner Sketch

A MIDDLE-AGED MAN WALKS UP TO A SUBUURBAN FRONT DOOR.
HE RINGS THE DOOR BELL.
THE LETTERBOX FLIPS OPEN AND AN OLD LADY ANSWERS FROM WITHIN.

OLD LADY: ID !

MAN: Pardon?

OLD LADY: I need some ID!

MAN: It's John.

OLD LADY: John who?

MAN: John Clayton

OLD LADY: Who?

MAN: John Clayton?(Pause) Your son.

OLD LADY: I still need some ID.
:
MAN: Mother, don't be ridiculous - just let me in.

OLD LADY: Oh, you'd like that wouldn't you. Come waltzing in, rifle
through me knick-knacks, make off with the housekeeping,
then leave a No.2 on the Axminster.

MAN: I paid for that carpet, Mother! Now, let me in!

OLD LADY: Passport? Driving licence? I'm not fussy.

MAN: Look, Mother, I understand that, at your age, you want to be
careful who you let in the house...

OLD LADY: You said it, "John"- or whatever your name is. The other day
some kid comes in, says he's the gasman and makes off with
me cooker.

MAN: Yes. And put in a new one - he was the Gas Man. I booked him
because you blew up the old one.

OLD LADY: Any distinguishing features?

MAN: You know I have - you're my mother.

OLD LADY: Where, then?

MANResigned) I have a small triangular strawberry mark on my left
buttock.

OLD LADY: Prove it.

MAN: Mother!

OLD LADY: Drop 'em.

MAN: (To himself) For f**k's sake

HE DROPS HIS TROUSERS, LOWERS HIS BOXER SHORTS AND SHOVES HIS ARSE
UP AGAINST THE LETTERBOX

OLD LADY:Up a bit, left a bit....

SUDDENLEY THE MAN YELPS, STANDS UP AND NURSES HIS OBVIOUSLY PAINFUL
ARSE.

MAN:What the Hell was that...?

OLD LADY: DNA sample.Only takes a couple a seconds...hold on, its
coming through...

THE FRONT DOOR BEGINS TO OPEN...

OLD LADY: All right, you better come in...

THE DOOR OPENS FULLY AND THE TWO CONFRONT EACH OTHER.
THE OLD LADY IS HORRIFIED.

OLD LADY: Hold on!You're not John....!

THE MAN PULLS OUT A SHOTGUN.

MAN:To, right Grandma. You wanna be a bit more careful who
you let through the door, dontcha?
Now, where's that rug - I'm busting for a shit...

The Respect 3000

INT. LIVING ROOM

A DISHEVELLED OLD MAN IS SAT IN A ROCKING CHAIR. HE HAS A BLANKET ACROSS HIS LAP AND SHAKILY DRINKING A CUP OF TEA, WHILE STARING OFF INTO THE DISTANCE.

Thor Hurd (V.O):Hello. I’m Dame Thora Hurd.

OLD MAN LOOKS UP WITH WONDER.

TH (V.O):Are you, like me, moving into your twilight years?

OLD MAN NODS SADLY.

TH (V.O)o you get no respect from today’s generation?

OLD MAN NODS AGAIN AND WIPES AWAY A TEAR.

TH (V.O):Even though if it wasn’t for the likes of you, the ungrateful sods would be goose stepping their way to the dole office and speaking in German?

OLD MAN WAVES A UNION JACK WHILE SALUTING.

(V.O):Then you need the “Respect 3000”.

OLD MAN LOOKS CONFUSED. THEN A BOX FLOATS DOWN INTO HIS LAP. HE LOOKS AT IT THEN LOOKS UP AND SMILES.

TH (V.O):The “Respect 3000” is a light weight, 350 volt, respect generator. It has a dual action function, which means that for those occasions when just a little respect is called for, you can you use the pistol whipping function. Alternatively, for the maximum “Respect Effect”, use the easy to operate taser gun. It has 6 barbed hooks that when they hit there mark, not only shows them the error of their ways, but will keep on showing them until you decide they’ve had enough. So go on. Open it and see what R.E.S.P.E.C.T means to you.

THE OLD MAN OPENS THE BOX AND THERE IS A BANG AND A FLASH. HE FINDS HIMSELF AT THE SUPERMARKET WATCHING A “FUTURE” VERSION OF HIMSELF AT THE CHECK OUT.

CUT TO:

INT: SUPERMARKET CHECKOUT.

TILL ASSISTANT (TA)MUMBLES) You want help with your packing?

OLD MAN (OM)orry didn’t quite catch that?

TAHUFFS) I said (SLOWLY) Do. You. Want. Help. With. Your. Packing?

OMh right. No I’ll be fine thanks.

THE TILL ASSISTANT STARTS HURLING THE SHOPPING DOWN THE CONVEYOR BELT. THE OLD MAN STRUGGLES TO KEEP UP.

OM:I’m sorry, but is there any chance you could slow down a bit? I can’t keep up.

TA:We’ll I bloody asked you if you wanted help and you said no! You old people are all the same. You never know what’s best for you.

OM:I know, but you’re going too fast for me.

TA:We’ll if I slow down for you, then I’m going to have to slow down for everyone else ain’t I. And I finish in half an hour. Plus you can’t have that long left. So if I do slow down you may die on me! (SNORTS)

OMFLUSTERED) Do you mind! I was in World War 2 you know!

TAo? What do you want? A medal? (SNIGGERS AND WINKS TO A YOUNG GIRL BEHIND THE OLD MAN, WHO GIGGLES AND GOES SHY)

OMSTUTTERS) I could have died for the likes of you!

TA:Well you want to thank you lucky stars that Hitler had the Luftwaffe then, and not checkout aisles and carrier bags, because you’re shit at packing!

OLD MAN SHAKES WITH RAGE. THEN HE HEARS THORA HURDS VOICE BEING SPOKEN IN THE STYLE OF OBI WAN KANOBI.

TH (V.O): Use the force.

THE OLD MAN STOPS SHAKING AND SEEMS TO CALM DOWN. HE SMILES AT THE TILL ASSISTANT WHO SEEMS SLIGHTLY CONFUSED.

OM:I’m going to teach you some respect young man.

TAh yeah? How you going to do that? You not going to give me any Werthers Originals?

THE OLD MAN PULLS OUT HIS RESPECT 3000 AND PISTOL WHIPS THE TILL ASSISTANT AROUND THE HEAD WHO THEN FALLS DOWN BEHIND HIS TILL. THE OLD MAN WALKS AROUND THE OTHER SIDE OF THE TILL AND FIRES THE BARBED HOOKS AT THE TILL ASSISTANTS CHEST AND TASERS HIM. THE WHOLE SHOP ERUPTS IN APPLAUSE, AND THE OLD MAN IS PICKED UP AND CARRIED OUT OF THE SHOP BY A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE WHO ARE STILL CHEERING.

THE OTHER OLD MAN LOOKS INTO THE CAMERA AS THORA HURD STARTS TALKING.

TH (V.O):If you order the “RESPECT 3000” today, you’ll not only get a free month’s supply of pepper spray, but also this handy sized rubber cosh. It is made from solid, durable rubber and comes with a complete 1 years guarantee. So what are you waiting for? Order today!!

END SCENE

Sorry this may be overlong.

EXTELDER PARK, GOVAN-DAY

Jamie and Billy, two 65 year old pensioners sit on a park bench watching the birds go by.

BILLY:
So were you in for the birth Jamie

JAMIE:
Hell no, ah was down getting ma pension

BILLY:
What? Your bairn is born and your not even there.

JAMIE:
No, I hate hospitals. At 65, the next time ah go in, a’ll no get back oot again

BILLY:
So who was in way er then?

JAMIE:
Her maw. Anyway, she said she didae want an old codger like me at the birth, it would have scared the wain.

Billy gives a friendly slap across Jamie’s Shoulder

BILLY:
Damn right, you’re an ugly auld so an so.

JAMIE:
Ah piss off you auld bugger.

BILLY:
So whit’s the script with the bairn

JAMIE:
Saturday 3:30PM, about 3 bags of sugar, girl, Kylie Minogue McDonald

BILLY:
Named after anyone famous is she?

JAMIE:
Naw, am no into that kind of thing. Just kept it nice and simple.

Billy sits back round on the bench

BILLY:
So how’s the mother then

JAMIE:
Aye, fine.

BILLY:
How the hell did you manage tae get in way a thirty five year old?

JAMIE:
Ah just walked into a posh bar an flashed ma pension, took er tae a good hotel, and she thought ah was loaded.

BILLY:
So how’s it feel

JAMIE:
A’m shittin myself. What happens if the CSA get tae me?

BILLY:
CSA, what the hell’s the CSA then

Jamie starts to panic

JAMIE:
Child Support Agency, they could take ma pension fur the wain. A’hd be left with nothin.

BILLY:
Look Jamie, they cannae take it all fae you. You’ll be alright

Jamie looks to the ground dejected

JAMIE:
Aye, suppose yer right.

BILLY:
So how’d it feel doin a young thing

Jamie looks up into the sky

JAMIE:
Magic, felt about 25 year old again, just about when ah was winchin Maggie.

BILLY:
Speakin of your wife, does she know about it?

JAMIE:
Aye, and lifes no worth livin. Anytime ah leave the toilet seat up, up comes ma infidelity, hurled at me like a Fatima Whitbread throwin that javelin.

BILLY:
You gonae go see the bairn

JAMIE:
If am allowed. You’ve got tae remember, if a end up in a
home, it’s another one tae come and see me.

Billy shakes his head

BILLY:
Yer a selfish old shite. Nae way will she come and see you

JAMIE:
But ahm er faether

BILLY:
Aye but only cause her maw’s a tart

JAMIE:
Hoy less ah that

BILLY:
Well it’s true. She’ll be busy wae boys, shopping, booze and drugs. Disnae leave much time for her faether.

JAMIE:
Aye she will man

2 second pause. Billy is mentally calculating something

BILLY:
Have you thought about the fact that when she’s old enough tae come an see you on her own, your gonnae be 80 odd. You’ll be living in pish, and you’ll probably no even remember her. You’ll hae that Demented thing.

JAMIE:
Dementia ya fool.

BILLY:
See am 65, and getting it already. Think how bad it’ll be the time yer 80.

JAMIE:
You goin fur a drink? Am buying

Billy throws his head back and laughs

BILLY:
Fine, I’ll have a BABY-sham.

End, finally!

INT. OLD FOLKS NURSING HOME. AN OLD AGED PENSIONER IS HAVING SOME SORT OF FIT. HIS HEAD IS JERKING ABOUT UNCONTROLLABLY.

PENSIONER:
...ee bah gum, I remember when Fred Trueman were on't show side by side wi' Geoffrey Boycott, it were a reet neet... oh, ah an’ Fred Dibner an’ all!

THE PENSIONER SHUDDERS. STUMBLES A LITTLE. RUBS HIS FOREHEAD AND STARTS GROANING.

PENSIONER:
Oh, I'm not feeling quite... ayup, wheers that ferret gone nah, up mi bloody trowzer leg I shunt wonder... raight enuff! Roy Hattersley, welcome to the show!

THE PENSIONER STUMBLES AGAIN AND COLLAPSES ONTO A CHAIR.

PENSIONER: (DELIRIOUS)
Sir Ian Botham, come on in and.. and.. sit dahn lad, well.... done… tha’s had a brill... iant career... Ohhhhhhhhh! Aghhhhhhhh!

WOMAN IN WHITE COAT TO MAN IN WHITE COAT.

WOMAN:
Sad case, he's got Parkinsons of course...

LAST OF THE AUTUMN APPLES

INT DAY AN OLD MAN (STANLEY) IS TYING SOME STRING AROUND ONE OF HIS TEETH, HELPED BY ANOTHER OLD MAN (ARNOLD).

Stanley:
That’s it, Arnold, there ain’t a NHS dentist this side of the Pennines. I’m gonna have to yank me tooth out meself.

Arnold:
Aye, with a little help from Ned here..

ARNOLD TIES THE OTHER END OF THE STRING AROUND A HORSE’S HOOF.

Stanley:
That Dora Sedgewick will be powerless to resist me when me rotten tooth’s gone.

Arnold:
Aye, that temptress will have a even bigger hole in her tights by the time thou’s finished wi’ her.

HE SLAPS THE HORSE’S BOTTOM

Arnold:
Stanley, here goes – go on, Ned – puuuuuuuuuull!

STANLEY SCREAMS WITH PAIN AS THE HORSE RUNS OFF AND DRAGS STANLEY OFF BEHIND HIM. CUT TO STANLEY BEING DRAGGED AROUND THE MOORS BY THE HORSE. SFX: BRASS BAND MUSIC. LOUD CANNED LAUGHTER. THE STRING BREAKS, THE HORSE RUNS OFF AND HE ROLLS DOWN AN EMBANKMENT AND FALLS INTO A DISCARDED BATHTUB, WHICH ROLLS DOWN A HILL, AMID EVEN LOUDER CANNED LAUGHTER AND LOW TROMBONES. CUT TO STANLEY, NOW WITH BLOOD ALL OVER HIS FACE FROM THE TOOTH EXTRACTION, ROLLING PAST A FLORIST IN THE BATHTUB AND GRABBING A BUNCH OF FLOWERS. CUT TO THE EXTERIOR OF A COTTAGE AS STANLEY CRASHES THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR AND KNOCKS OVER DORA SEDGEWICK, WHO IS PUTTING ON HER LIPSTICK IN THE HALL. SHE FALLS INTO THE BATHTUB ON TOP OF STANLEY, WHO IS BRANDISHING THE FLOWERS.
CUT TO AN ELDERLY COUPLE ON A COUCH WATCHING THIS ON THE TV. BOTH ARE WEARING FETISH GEAR.

Man:
Look, he’s rolling down a hill again.

Woman:
F**kin’ ‘ell!

CUT BACK TO DORA

Dora sedgewick:
Ooh, ya big softie, you can’t use toothache as an excuse tonight!

STANLEY SMLES, BLOOD OOZING FROM HIS MOUTH.

CUT TO ARNOLD AND STANLEY RUBBING THEIR HANDS TOGETHER AS THEY LOOK OUT OF THE WINDOW OF A BARN TO SEE A LONG QUEUE SNAKING BACK ABOUT A HUNDRED YARDS. CUT TO A SIGN OUTSIDE THE BARN SAYING ‘NED’S DENTAL PRACTICE’. SFX, BRASS BAND.
CUT BACK TO THE COUPLE WATCHING THIS ON THE TV. THE WOMAN IS SPANKING THE MAN.

Man:
A bit of satire, eh?
Woman:
Yeah, not bad! turn over will, ya.

THE MAN TURNS OVER THE TV, AS SHE CONTINUES TO SPANK HIM. AFTER 10 SECONDS HE PIPES UP.

Man:
He were bang at it, that Henry VIII…

FADE TO BLACK. SFX, SOUND OF INTENSE WHIPPING.

The suburban living room of an ageing couple. They sit in armchairs, leafing through a diary.

Man
So what have we got on Monday?

Woman
Well, on Monday we're going to Marge's.

Man
And we're going to Terry's on Tuesday?

Woman
Yes dear, and then Mary's on Wednesday.

Man
Not much happening on Thursday is there?

Woman
No dear, but we're busy on Friday. We're going to Susanne's in the morning and then over to John's for the evening.

Man
Ah, that's a good week that.

Woman
You know the best thing about going to people's funerals is that you don't have to worry about inviting them back.

Man
Aye

Hi I just got back from a heavy case of diarrhoea. I keep it under my bed. The competition's closed and voting's open - till midnight Tuesday... Thanks for taking part!

I have two i want to vote for...so whoever is nicest to me will get the vote! But they won't know who they are...mwah ha haaaaa

I'm in the same proverbial boat. Maybe I'll toss.

Quote: EllieJP @ October 21, 2007, 12:57 PM

I have two i want to vote for...so whoever is nicest to me will get the vote! But they won't know who they are...mwah ha haaaaa

View original

I'll be nice to you Ellie. But I haven't entered this time!

I'm also in that position. It will be .............

Lazzard!

When's the vote got to be in by!?

David you're always nice to me...oh no wait...no you're not! lol