Newsjack Quickie Failures Page 17

Well, it's still heard absolutely nothing (and from what I gather in another forum, people have heard by now), so I'm guessing that means another week not getting anything onto the show.

For what it's worth, here are a few of my rejected vox pops from this week:

Vox Pop:
David Cameron has hired a crack team of aides to police Tory MP's social networking accounts in an effort to limit embarrassing gaffes. You'd think it would be easier to just ban Boris Johnson from Twitter.

Vox Pop:
I read in one of the papers this week that a hairy chest is no longer sexy and I couldn't agree more. I've been telling my wife for years that it's not a good look for her.

Week 6's social pariahs (TFIO)

Vox Pops:

I don't know what I'd do if the accelerator on my Toyota jammed. I'd probably play air guitar.

Gordon Brown may have been attacking his aides as a result of his new diet. He's gone ape.

The police are looking for a one-armed man who stole a cufflink. I think that Heather Mills may have been involved; it's supposed to have cost an arm and a leg.

Pete Doherty has been voted the least desirable neighbour. I'd love him to live next door, you know, for the craic.

Gordon Brown cried after being grilled by Piers Morgan. That must have been one big barbecue.

Prince Charles reckons he suffers 'unbelievable abuse' every time he voices an opinion. What a drama queen.

I don't know why atheists are so upset with Cheryl Blair; she helps prove their theory.

A restaurant in Dubai has started selling a Camel Burger. Will that give vegetarians the hump?

Vinnie Jones is going to open a pub chain. I bet he calls it 'Vinnie the Brew'.

I read that Camilla has pulled a pint in the Rovers; it makes a change from a cart.

Thieves have stolen a lorry-load of Lego. I bet that was an easy job to pull-off.

I think that John Terry might be the father of my baby. It won't stop crying.

Newsbullets:

The two main political parties in Northern Ireland have finally reached an agreement. They decided on mashed.

Toyota have now recalled so many cars, they've officially put more lives in danger than Peter Doherty.

Scientists have been able to reach into the mind of a brain-damaged man and communicate with his thoughts. They did try talking to him, but didn't understand Gazza's accent.

Correction:

We'd like to apologise for last week's lack of gags; John Terry has used them all up.

My Vox Pop - WOMAN WITH NORTHERN ACCENT:
He's a cheeky little rascal. The other day, I goes "fetch", and chucks him a ball. So he comes runnin' back wi' it, rolls over, and screams "go on love, give us a tickle". I tell you what, that little Toyota's best car I've ever had.

CORRECTION
We'd like to apologise for a slip of the tongue last week, when reporting on Cherie Blair's rumoured peerage. We meant to say that it would make Tony Blair a "Count".

POSH WOMAN
If Sikhs are allowed to carry their knives everywhere, then I demand to be able to carry my Church of England spork.

WOMAN
I think my Prius has a software problem. Yesterday a paper-clip popped up and said "It looks like you're trying to flee the scene of an accident, would you like some help with that?"

I like the spork one, silly!

•I've just bought loads of shares in Apple 'cos they're gonna make loads this Valentine's Day what with everyone saying 'I love you'.

CORRECTION

•We'd like to apologise to Veronica Perroncel after we referred to her as Vanessa Duracell, even though she was at it like a bunny she didn't require batteries.

VOX POPS:

I think it was silly to give John Terry the sack. He'll only jump in it with some old tart.

Glee. It's okay, but do they really have to make such a song and dance of it?

I bet those four MPs getting prosecuted for false expenses claims are worried now. What's the betting they'll try fast-tracking that assisted suicide bill?

The divorce rate lowest for 29 years? Is that because there aren't any married couples left?

Michael Crichton's art collection being auctioned? Personally, I think it's a load of old Pollocks.

CORRECTION:

Newsjack would like to apologise for Clare Short's face. (PAUSE) I'm sorry you had to see that.

Voxpops:

If some guy builds a castle without planning permission, then the council are right to knock it down. Only they should use trebuchets.

(MALE) What would I want to pay twenty grand for someone's virginity for? I forked out fifty quid to lose my own.

They say an increasing number of British people are becoming sceptical about global warming. But I am not sure the evidence for that stacks up.

(FEMALE) I was going to apply for Uni, but then I read that cat owners were more likely to have degrees. I don't want to end up a sad lonely spinster!

Cressida Dick is absolutely the right person to be investigating MPs' expenses. Shoot the bastards I say.

It only right Sikhs should be allowed to wear daggers. I's a radical Islamist an' as a mark of my faith I's wearing two kilos of semtex.

CorrectIons:

In a recent edition of Newsjack we repeated the rumour that Hitler 'only had one ball'. Recently uncovered medical records have shown this to be a myth, but have revealed that the Fuhrer took a primitive form of viagra. It seems to have been ineffective on the penis, but does explain the origins of the Nazi salute. Newsjack stands by its claims about Reichsminister Goebbels.

Last week we reported that scientific evidence on alternative medicine had been misrepresented in documents provided to a parliamentary inquiry. The British Homeopathic Association have since defended the validity of the documents by saying that they contained an infinitesimal amount of truth.

Quote: Timbo @ February 11 2010, 9:47 PM GMT

If some guy builds a castle without planning permission, then the council are right to knock it down. Only they should use trebuchets.

View original

For some reason I can hear this coming out of the mouth of Sean Lock and working brilliantly.

Here's my rejects.

Woman: I've told my kids to keep their online friends online, just as I keep my boyfriends to Webcam.

Schoolkid: When I grow up, like, I want to run the country. Or think I do like Gordon Brown.

Loyal Tory Supporter: Those airbrushed Cameron posters are great. Every picture sells a Tory.

English Patriot: I'm impressed that Scotland is sorting its human trafficking. Maybe they'll take Alistair Darling back.

Old Lady: My husband asked me, "Does testing your ears tell if you've got dementia?" I said "No I-dea."

Footie Fan: Dat Gazza got hissel in lotta trooble, An' like 1990 he's gonna miss thar pen'ul'ties.

Caring Son: My elderly father manages perfectly well without carers. He wakes up and goes to the toilet. Usually in that order.

Heres my quickie failure this week. A correction...

Last week we promised to keep our listeners informed of the developing situation in Port-au-Prince. This was a mistake as we had intended to highlight the developing situation at Prontaprint where you can get fifty photos for only £3. Excellent!

J

Here are my attempts this week. I've listened to the show twice now and not heard them, so can only assume they've been rejected. The fools

Vox Pops

voiced by gruff no-nonsense salt of the earth type

I'm sick of these politicians. They fiddle their expenses and all they get is a slap on the wrist. I set fire to one warehouse and suddenly I'm a criminal.

I sell greenhouses for a living, and ok, I've had affairs, but I think that John Terry is a disgrace.

All I've got to say is if I buy a cream egg this year and find any cheese in it, I'm leaving this hell hole for Spain.

I think the only opinions worth shouting about are the ones you know nothing about. If you eventually get proved wrong you've not lost anything. That's why I'm protesting against nuclear fusion. I don't want the earth to get sucked into a black hole.

voiced by elderly posh sounding gentleman

I don't know what all the fuss is about John Terry. If I were a young woman again, I'd sleep with him.

My friend Edward thinks bankers are given far too hard a time. Having said that I did find him outside the club the other day playing an imaginary trumpet and trying to start a fight with a bin.

All this talk about 3D cinema is such nonsense. When I want to see things leaping out at me during a film I just drop a few tabs of LSD before it starts.

Interviewer voice, Alan Partridge style

Some men are born to greatness, some achieve greatness and some are made great, using bits of other men in a lightning lit castle on top of a mountain. Martin Johnson England Team Manager, how do you feel the game went today, and is being chased by angry villagers with pitchforks proving a distraction?

One liners

John Prescot's wife Pauline has included a moving account of her husbands affair in her new book. She was so grief-stricken when she found out, she fainted on the floor, leaving both her heart and her hair broken.

Pauline Prescott is about to publish her autobiography, the section about her wedding night with John has already garnered a cover recommendation from Stephen King.

Here are my failures.

Dan

VOX POP:
Did you hear Rio talking about his new England captaincy? He said 'It's not Terry's – it's mine!'

VOX-POP:
I see the Queen's being primed for a hung parliament. It's a disgrace – hanging's too good for them!

VOX-POP:
John Prescott's wife is standing by her man. Not saying I'm cynical, but she could be stood by him anywhere in the Northern hemisphere…

VOX-POP:
Yet more local post office closures. And where's that money going? New van, helicopter and smart phone for Postman Bloomin' Pat! Favouritism, that's what it is!

VOX-POP:
'Snowmageddon'? Way to not sensationalise, Obama! Next he'll be sending Bruce Willis in to blow away the Met Office.

VOX-POP:
229 million for performer pay for a year! Thank God, Jonathan Ross is leaving. That'll see those costs reduced by, well, 229 million…

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for the confusion earlier this week regarding Gordon Brown's diet. He has swapped Kit-Kats for bananas and not Kit-e-Kat. This mistake was due to his habit of meowing and licking his privates to avoid answering particularly awkward questions.

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for our coverage of the Iraq grilling over the last few weeks. It transpires that, due to a misunderstanding, this was not a massive barbecue.

Some failures:

NEWS:

The Venezuelan Government have recently managed to shut down several TV channels.
You couldn't envisage Gordon Brown getting away with something like that, however much he wants to see the back of Dave…… Although he did manage to get rid of that UK Gold

After the success of Avatar, Director George Lucas has revealed plans to release a 3D version of Star Wars.
Mr Lucas says that the effects will be so convincing that the audience will feel like they can reach out & actually touch the merchandising.

VOX POPS:

that poor Susan Boyle had an intruder in her house the other day. Apparently she'd gone to all this trouble putting extra locks on all the doors & Windows & he still managed to get out.

Oh you're talking about that fella who changed his name by Deed Pole to Monster Munch.
There was that Saudi Arabian fella who did something similar, now what was his name again… Oh that was it, the Sultan Sheikh.

At the time I agreed with Tony Blair's reasons for invading Iraq. Looking back though, I'm not sure it worked out quite how he planned. The Price of Petrol hasn't even gone down.

Well I'm pleased to see the Government finally cracking down on those Cowboy Clampers. Honestly, these days you can't park your Cowboy anywhere.

Tony Blair said that the English are obsessed with conspiracy theories. I bet he was just forced to say that by his alien masters.

What about that pensioner who became a Judo Master. Unbelievable! at the age of 72 he managed to reach the rank of 10th dan Black braces.

I see that David Cameron has promised financial inducements Via Taxation for Constituents cohabitating within a Matrimonial Framework. Now I think that is discrimination against people like me, who can't understand what he is talking about.

Scientists reckon that nowadays men are evolving faster than Women. You never know, If this carries on then there may come a time in the future when some Men will be able to perform one task at a time.

It was a shame that recent Solar eclipse wasn't visible from Britain. Last time we had one I visited a small village in Cornwall & became their God.

They don't even trust us to eat properly these days. How can they be thinking of banning butter. If they do that then I'll have nothing to spread on my cornflakes.

Selling space shuttles now are they, what a rip off. I'd rather make my own one. It's hardly rocket science is it?

And my correction that got recorded but didn't make the edit:

NewsJack would like to apologize for a report last week where we suggested that England Manager Fabio Capello had punished John Terry for his indiscretions by trying to drown him. What we should have said was that he'd taken away his armband.

Quote: Steve Sunshine @ February 12 2010, 11:15 AM GMT

After the success of Avatar, Director George Lucas has revealed plans to release a 3D version of Star Wars.
Mr Lucas says that the effects will be so convincing that the audience will feel like they can reach out & actually touch the merchandising.

It was a shame that recent Solar eclipse wasn't visible from Britain. Last time we had one I visited a small village in Cornwall & became their God.

NewsJack would like to apologize for a report last week where we suggested that England Fabio Manager had punished John Terry for his indiscretions by trying to drown him. What we should have said was that he'd taken away his armband.

View original

Good ones.

Quote: swerytd @ February 12 2010, 9:45 AM GMT

CORRECTION:
We'd like to apologise for the confusion earlier this week regarding Gordon Brown's diet. He has swapped Kit-Kats for bananas and not Kit-e-Kat. This mistake was due to his habit of meowing and licking his privates to avoid answering particularly awkward questions.

View original

FWIW, I think this would have sounded better as.

'We'd like to apologise for a misprint earlier in the script regarding Gordon Brown's diet. He has in fact stopped eating Kit-Kats, and not Kit-e-Kat.'