Sitcom - First scene

Hi. This is the first draft of the first scene of a sitcom I'm cowriting. Really interested to know the following:

1) Is it engaging, do you want to know more?
2) We were aware we were watching a lot of one particular programme when we wrote this. Does it remind you of anything/anyone? Does it thus seem derivative?
3) Is this all one scene - since we're cutting away a lot - or should it be separated into different scenes?

Thank you!!!

SCENE 1. DAN'S BEDROOM. DAY

DAN MATTHEWS, AGED 23, WEARING ONLY A DRESSING GOWN, STAINED WITH COFFEE IS SITTING ON A CHAIR IN A VERY UNTIDY BEDROOM, NEXT TO A WINDOW. HE HAS A LAPTOP ON HIS LAP AND IS BLOGGING. THE WORDS WE HEAR ARE THE ONES HE IS TYPING ON TO HIS BLOG – "SHIT AT LIFE". WE LOOK OVER HIS SHOULDER AT THE WORDS APPEARING ON THE SCREEN.

DAN (VOICEOVER)
Hello, my name is Dan Matthews and I am shit at life.

CUT TO:

DAN IS ASLEEP IN BED. IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE AFTERNOON, THE ROOM IS BRIGHT. HIS BEDCLOTHES ARE TORN IN SOME PLACES AND STAINED WITH COFFEE AND CIGARETTE ASH. DAN STIRS, LOOKS IMMEDIATELY DEPRESSED AND PUTS HIS HEAD UNDER THE PILLOW.

DAN (VOICEOVER)
I can't hold down a job, pay the bills on time or see tits without paying. I am an idiot at existence.

DAN RELUCTANTLY STARTS TO DRAG HIMSELF OUT OF BED.

DAN (VOICEOVER)
At about 3pm each day I'm forced out of bed to have a piss.

CUT TO:

DAN LEANS HIS HEAD AGAINST THE BATHROOM MIRROR, HIS EYES CLOSED, WHILE HE URINATES INTO THE TOILET.

CUT TO:

DAN WALKS INTO HIS BEDROOM WITH A CUP OF COFFEE, SITS ON THE CHAIR NEXT TO THE WINDOW, PUTS THE LAPTOP ON HIS LAP AND LIGHTS A CIGARETTE.

DAN (VOICEOVER)
Then I drink coffee and smoke...

SPEEDED UP FOOTAGE OF DAN SMOKING AND DRINKING COFFEE – COFFEE CUPS MULTIPLE AROUND HIM AND THE ASHTRAY OVERFLOWS.

DAN (VOICEOVER)
...and drink coffee and smoke and drink coffee and smoke, and look out of the window at all the other twats like me.

DAN LOOKS OUT OF THE WINDOW

OUT OF THE WINDOW WE CAN SEE OTHER YOUNG MEN DRESSED ONLY IN DRESSING GOWNS IN THEIR BACK GARDENS.

ONE MAN IS STANDING PERFECTLY STILL WITH A CIGARETTE IN HIS HAND, HIS CHIN LIFTED SLIGHTLY TOWARD THE SKY AND HIS EYES CLOSED. HE IS ANKLE DEEP IN A MOUND OF CIGARETTE BUTTS.

ONE MAN IS TRYING TO HANG UP WET CLOTHES ON THE WASHING LINE. HE DOESN'T HAVE ANY PEGS SO HE IS STRUGGLING TO SELLOTAPE THE CLOTHES TO THE LINE.

DAN (VOICEOVER)
I'm just another impotent, stinking, twat-healing, hopelessly under-
achieving, slovenly, disgusting, filth-magnet c**t.

ACROSS THE ROAD, ANOTHER YOUNG MAN IN A DRESSING GOWN RUNS OUT OF HIS BACK DOOR AND FALLS TO HIS KNEES IN THE BACK GARDEN.

YOUNG MAN
[Screaming, mournfully]
Oh God! I'm awake!

DAN LOOKS BACK AT HIS LAPTOP. WE LOOK OVER HIS SHOULDER TO SEE HIM TYPE AGAIN.

DAN (VOICEOVER)
We could have been someone, we could at least wear clean clothes, but we're English graduates. And as such we are of no worth. All we can do is rot away in the high-stress, low-pay, long-hour Dantean underworld of the call centre...

CUT TO:

CALL CENTRE. SOPHIE SITS AT A LONG DESK, SURROUNDED BY OTHER YOUNG MEN AND WOMEN. SHE HAS A HEADSET ON.

SOPHIE
Good Morning, may I speak to the person who pays your utility bills please?

SOPHIE HANGS UP AND DIALS ANOTHER NUMBER

DAN (VOICEOVERE)
I once knew a man who screamed so hard he had an aneurism in the middle of a cold call.

SOPHIE
Good Morning, may I speak to the person who pays your utility bills please?

SOPHIE HANGS UP AND DIALS ANOTHER NUMBER

DAN (VOICEOVER)
He was sacked for making too much noise.

SOPHIE
[Becoming frustrated]
Good Morning, may I speak to the person who pays your utility bills please?

DAN {VOICEOVER)
This is more depressing than genocide.

SOPHIE
[Depressed]
Good Morning, may I speak to the person who pays...

THE PERSON ON THE OTHER END HANGS UP.

SOPHIE
Hello..?

SOPHIE PUTS HER HEAD ON THE TABLE.

DAN (Voiceover)
One day it all becomes too much.

SOPHIE SLOWLY LIFTS HER HEAD AND STAND UP, STEELY RESOLVE IN HER EYES.

DAN (Voiceover)
[Getting angry]
You're too overqualified to take an office job, too inexperienced to take a graduate job...

SOPHIE TAKES HER HEAD SET OFF AND LAYS IT ON THE TABLE

DAN (Voiceover)
[Getting angrier]
... and too f**king poor to get experience unpaid.

SOPHIE PICKS UP THE PAPER LISTS OF TELEPHONE NUMBERS FROM THE DESK THEN STARTS SCREWING THEM UP AND RIPPING THEM AND THROWING THEM IN THE AIR AND STAMPING ON THEM.

DAN (Voiceover)
[Angry]
You think about all those wankers who take internships while their parents pay their rent.

[Shouting]
Always remember! Those with more money than you have raped your dreams!

SOPHIE TILTS HER HEAD BACK AND SCREAMS

CUT TO

DAN'S BEDROOM

DAN PUTS THE LAPTOP DOWN AND GRABS HIS CLOTHES

SOPHIE, CRYING, WALKS OUT OF THE OFFICE

DAN WALKS DOWN THE LANDING, GRABS HIS COAT FROM THE BANISTRADE AND GOES TOWARD THE FRONT DOOR. THERE IS A NOTE SELLOTAPED TO THE DOOR. DAN RIPS IT OFF TO READ IT

SOPHIE WALKS OUT ONTO THE STREET WIPING AWAY HER TEARS

DAN (Voiceover)
[Calmly] So why bother?

CUT TO:

WE SEE OVER DAN'S SHOULDER THAT THE NOTE SAYS – "PAY YOUR RENT OR SHIT THE FUCK OFF!"

DAN SCREWS IT UP, PUTS IT IN HIS POCKET AND WALKS OUT OF THE DOOR.

Quote: sglen @ February 10 2010, 9:52 PM GMT

Hi. This is the first draft of the first scene of a sitcom I'm cowriting. Really interested to know the following:

1) Is it engaging, do you want to know more?
2) We were aware we were watching a lot of one particular programme when we wrote this. Does it remind you of anything/anyone? Does it thus seem derivative?
3) Is this all one scene - since we're cutting away a lot - or should it be separated into different scenes?

View original

1) Yes. It looked like this was going nowhere, but I am wondering about the link between Dan and Sophie and where this is all going.

2) It did remind me of the Dan Clarke thing.

3) This is more than one scene. Each change of location or set (even bedroom to living room in the same house unless traveling to is shown) is a new scene. I would suggest starting a new scene instead of putting 'CUT TO'.

This really livened up to me when Dan looks out the window. The sellotape on the washing line I found very funny. So far so good I reckon.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ February 10 2010, 10:26 PM GMT

This really livened up to me when Dan looks out the window.

View original

Yes, all that bit was very good.

Quote: Dolly Dagger @ February 10 2010, 10:26 PM GMT

.

2) It did remind me of the Dan Clarke thing.

View original

This also came to mind, but perhaps only because you told us to look out for possible similarities with another show, I don't know.

One problem you might face is that, in this first bit at least, the lead comes across as unlikeable. I know you could say that potentially about a lot of sitcom characters, but it's still something producers would pick up and ask you about.

Quote: Matthew Stott @ February 10 2010, 10:31 PM GMT

One problem you might face is that, in this first bit at least, the lead comes across as unlikeable. I know you could say that potentially about a lot of sitcom characters, but it's still something producers would pick up and ask you about.

View original

Thanks, both, for feedback. The Dan Clarke thing I have not seen. So that's quite interesting!

I totally agree with the comment above. We're writing basically about disillisioned graduates who believed, unrealistically, that their degree would buy them a job. (Was so glad to see this come up in the news...we were basing it on our slightly younger selves and our friends at first!)

Dan is bitter at the world but this is just a mask over how angry he is at himself. This does show through his character later on, hopefully. His perspective is skewed and violent here to show a part of his character but this could definitely be toned down.

Quote: sglen @ February 10 2010, 10:38 PM GMT

Thanks, both, for feedback. The Dan Clarke thing I have not seen. So that's quite interesting!

View original

Well, it's not really that similar, but it was the first thing that came to mind when I was trying to think of something half similar. Just 'cos in that sitcom he's a bit of an arse and swans about in a dressing gown a lot!

Quote: Matthew Stott @ February 10 2010, 10:42 PM GMT

Well, it's not really that similar, but it was the first thing that came to mind when I was trying to think of something half similar. Just 'cos in that sitcom he's a bit of an arse and swans about in a dressing gown a lot!

View original

Ah...I see. I asked that question because we were concerned the style of writing was partly influenced by someone else and we couldn't judge whether we'd pulled away enough from it.

I'm relieved to see that nothing's jumping out at anybody!

I liked it very much, so far

Ditto Dolly's comments.

It was ok, It's didn't really stand out as unique and I'm not a fan of heavy uses of voiceover - show don't tell, but it is intriguing as you want to find out what's going to happen next.

As a cynic, I thought you'd based your Dan character on me. But then I realised that he smokes.

Enjoyed it. Some lines were good... particularly...(As Dolly said.. taping clothes to the washing line)
and
The screaming in the middle of a cold call.

Overall, didn't find it particularly funny. But it's horses for courses.. I'm not a fan of 2 pints of lager and they made dozens of episodes of that.

Quote: z--- @ February 11 2010, 10:38 PM GMT

Overall, didn't find it particularly funny. But it's horses for courses.. I'm not a fan of 2 pints of lager and they made dozens of episodes of that.

View original

Thanks to everybody for feedback. Really useful stuff.

I think the above comment is a good point. This is a first draft written in one sitting, so we haven't actually written the...you know...jokes...(Bad start?) You're right, though. Needs jokes

A side of caution: a producer I spoke to the other week said "All we seem to be getting on the slush pile, script wise, is sitcoms about pathetic male wasters who have no direction in life - and no definiable 'sit' to fall back on."

Is this story going to be part of something bigger?

This has something of the 'Withnail & I' about it - high praise indeed in my books.

(Re-read the script the other day - it's a piece of sublime genius! The original slacker movie.)

Probably could do with a quick going over by the format police but there's plenty of time for that later.

And yes it's intriguing and I would like to see more.

Yes, it probably needs punching up joke-wise but don't lose the sophisticated language and replace it with 'gags'.

And I shouldn't worry what producers want.
By the time you've finished they'll want something else.

I think it's strong with a good voice.

Soldier on.

It's a great idea and you set the scene nicely. Some good gags as well.

But you've set the scene well enough not to need to tell us stuff.

e.g. we can see he is a loser he doesn't need to say it

Quote: Flaner @ February 12 2010, 10:39 AM GMT

A side of caution: a producer I spoke to the other week said "All we seem to be getting on the slush pile, script wise, is sitcoms about pathetic male wasters who have no direction in life - and no definiable 'sit' to fall back on."

Is this story going to be part of something bigger?

View original

Yep. This just sets something up so that he can end up in his "sit". It's not really a sitcom about him, per say. There are four main characters. It's disappointing to hear this as obviously they'll read only the first few pages then toss it aside if it's not what they're looking for. so hopefully they won't just go "not this shit again!" and give up. This scene runs pretty fast so it's really only the first couple of minutes.

Thanks for heads up though, it's really great that some of you can give that insight as to what is being looked for right now.

Thanks again, everybody.