Sitcom Pilot

This is the first act of my first ever sitcom pilot, which I recently sent off to a few Production Companies and The Writers Room. Just thought it would be nice to get some feedback now rather than having to wait a few months, plus I've held off sending it to a few Production Companies back so any suggestions for improvement would be great and much appreciated. Oddly enough, the major plot line only gets going at the start of Act 2, I'm hoping I have managed to maintain the readers interest sufficiently up until then. The spelling mistakes were corrected before I sent it off, this is a slightly earlier draft.

DRAFT REMOVED

I don't detect a story line here...i.e a beginning/middle/end...conflict in the middle, things going wrong and the a solution...i.e. end

A BLACK SCREEN IS SHOWN, CONTAINING ONLY THE WORDS "SAM AND
DANNY". STAY WITH SCREEN FOR 10 SECONDS OR SO,

Close you eyes... imagine a blank screen which isn't blank it contains the words Sam and Danny and count one and two and three and four and etc... slowly. Seriously do it. And guess by which number we have flicked to another channel.

"SAM
The cut of his jib made me wish I
had some jib"

I love this line. I think this is good, it's got potential. I agree that the blank screen thing is too long though.

I'm assuming there's more to this though and that's why, as Bushbaby points out, that there's no beginning, middle, end but you're setting up characters well and setting up complications for them to muddle through, and I'd be interested to see where it goes.

Quote: Mickeza @ February 4 2010, 9:08 PM GMT

ONE LOOK AT HIM AND YOU KNOW THIS IS
A GUY WHO LOOKS AFTER HIMSELF. HE HAS BOYISH GOOD LOOKS
COMBINED WITH A CERTAIN YOUTHFUL NAIVETY. HE ACTS THE FOOL
AT TIMES, BUT A FOOL HE MOST CERTAINLY IS NOT.

View original

This should all be obvious in the way you write the character, you don't have to actually describe it here. If it isn't coming across in the actual piece, then you need to work on it until it does.

I agree that the character descriptions aren't required. Also, and I know this isn't your final draft, but watch your punctuation. For example some dialogue has full stops and some doesn't.

As Matt pointed out you've got too much direction here. Directions are only to tell us what we can't glean from the script - which really shouldn't be much.

You've already had feedback on the black screen beginning but just to add - you can't 'fade out from black' You can fade IN, but again this isn't your job - just put the dialogue in. No-one in TV production needs your advice (or mine - or anybody's) on how to make it.

Tony Blackburn - why not Chris Moyles - or Chris Evans - someone who is actually on the radio?

Don't talk about porn. Everyone looks at it - so you can reference it (cleverly) but don't talk about it.

Get the plot out! What the hell is it about? Every five lines of dialogue something should happen.

What's it called? Have you got a three line pitch? Post it before the script. You know what it's about but nobody else does.

Download some scripts and look at how they're put together.

Don't wait for feedback from the writersroom. You're unlikely to get any. I'm not being mean just realistic, they only give a feedback on a full read and you won't get that with a script formatted in this way.

Finally, why are you telling us the colour of the characters eyes?

Hey, it's gone! Or maybe the BBC rescheduled it..?

Quote: Godot Taxis @ February 8 2010, 11:02 PM GMT

Hey, it's gone! Or maybe the BBC rescheduled it..?

View original

I took it down because the format was quite embarrassing and that was all the critique seemed to focus on, I have now fixed the format, and now know how it shouldn't be done, so thanks for that everyone. If I focus on your particular critique, which was predominantly of scene 1, I am half and half about the porn bit myself and always have been, however it isn't a discussion of watching porn, it's a discussion of starring in porn, and I think it shows off Sam and Danny's relationship rather well. The Tony Blackburn critique is good, and I may replace him with Chris Evans, but I don't want some modern pop reference like Chris Moyles, plus I think digs at Moyles are quite common and cheap (I can't stand him by the way).
There actually was plot in that first act, it was established that Billy thinks the CIA are trying to kill him, Nina's newly established boyfriend is visiting the station, Sam and Danny have no clue who he is and that Sam is starting a campaign to establish it was he who dumped his Ex. It was also hinted subtly that there is an important meeting later, and there is some controversial guest on Sam and Danny's show. That's done in 11 or so minutes, whilst establishing five brand new characters and a new setting. I admitted in my opening post that essentially Act 1 was all about character, with the plot merely skeleton like to set up what is to come, and I personally think I did that. It seems only one of you who read it got that that was what I was doing, but I'm hopeful that was because you had already decided it was shit because of the formatting and didn't actually read it properly, which is understandable.
I'd like to put up the complete re-formatted draft but I don't have anywhere to host the PDF file, which is the right way to read scripts in my opinion. If you'd like to read the complete script and give me feedback I'd be quite happy to send it to you?

Quote: Mickeza @ February 9 2010, 8:33 PM GMT

I don't have anywhere to host the PDF file, which is the right way to read scripts in my opinion.

View original

Take your pick:

http://tinyurl.com/yjmx2lo

http://www.datafilehost.com/download-7c334043.html

Open it with your web browser when it asks you. The character names look squashed but it is the best I can do, for some reason the Celtx PDF I have created turns into binary code when I host it.

Quote: Mickeza @ February 9 2010, 10:24 PM GMT

http://www.datafilehost.com/download-7c334043.html

Open it with your web browser when it asks you. The character names look squashed but it is the best I can do, for some reason the Celtx PDF I have created turns into binary code when I host it.

View original

Formatting is terrible.

. I'm merely toiling with your emotions. I'll leave some constructive feedback when I get a minute. By constructive I mean so fueled with negativity I make Godot look like Mary Poppins.

Quote: Craig H @ February 10 2010, 8:39 AM GMT

I'm merely toiling with your emotions. I'll leave some constructive feedback when I get a minute. By constructive I mean so fueled with negativity I make Godot look like Mary Poppins.

View original

The anticipation of your feedback fills me with a grudging type of excitement. In fairness, Mary Poppins was quite a strict disciplinarian, I certainly wouldn't want her as my nanny, not now I'm 21 anyway.